Here we are, up too early for me on a Sat morning, the smell of eggs and bacon fill our home. I had just finished telling PJ that I mistakenly went for my meds this morning only to discover that this was my OFF week - yipee!!! Then, Madeline blurts that out. PJ's hand went over his mouth, yet I - without missing a beat - reply with "almost honey - almost". Not sure where that came from, but it sounds good to me. I'm sticking with it. I then get so mad that my kid even knows to ask me this question - she's 4! No 4 year old child in this day and age should be asking their mommies if their cancer is gone yet. It makes me so sad she knows to ask me this. Sure, I guess we could have kept this from them, but we chose differently. We chose to speak to our children through this process like individuals, and let them know exactly what was happening because let's face it - our lives took a complete 180 when this came down. I suppose I like how 'matter of fact' she is about it, and how matter of fact I came back to her on it. Madeline and I are connected so deeply - she gives me the words I'm searching for sometimes, she hands me things I'm looking for without me asking - she is amazing and I am so blessed to call her my daughter. I'm so blessed God chose me - silly me - to be her mommy. What an honor.
Anyway - I digress - what else is new. My week was filled with busy stuff, it was rainy and monsoony here which we love. I luv the rain, especially up here. It cools everything down, the frogs come out like gangbusters and all the slimy other things that rain brings - our grass is this beautiful lushy green - I just love this time of year. I'm feeling fine - glad it's my off week. A little tired, still taking the percocet at night, which helps, but I know I shouldn't make a habit of it. I'm finally reading Dodi Osteen's 'Healed of Cancer' and I have to say, it is speaking to me on so many levels. It's a tiny little 'pamphlet' type of book, but just wonderful. I'll give my full review upon finishing, but so far so good.
I think the most important thing I did this week was go to the onc with my mom. Her cancer has recurred (she has lung cancer) and I just needed to be near her through this second time around. I want so badly to fix this for her - to do it for her - to go through it for her - but obviously that is impossible. I understand now so much more clearly than I did when she was diagnosed the first time, just exactly what she is up against, what she may be feeling, what she may be thinking. I also need to be very careful, and let her experience be just that - HER experience. Her journey is not mine, and no matter how badly I want her to experience pieces of mine, it is ultimately her journey, her choices, her life. Wow. That's a tough one. She has her 'one on one' conversations with Jesus probably just like I do - and those moments are private, precious, perspective changing moments. I'm going to do my best to be with her at her treatments. My heart aches at the thought of her going to treatment alone. No one should have to do that. She doesn't have a 'PJ' to come home to and talk about this - but she does have me. Look at what God has given us, a connection between a mother and daughter that is indescribable. Tragic -but a gift. I can see the gift through this and I am so blessed to be her daughter, her fellow cancer survivor, her friend, through this journey.
Went to a memorial service today for a member of our church. He was a wonderful man who sat in front of us in church every Sunday morning, and was just a joy. I didn't know very much about him at all - but PJ and I were so taken with him each Sunday morning, when we heard he had passed we both felt compelled to go and pay our respects. The service was lovely and I learned so much about the kind of person he was - by reading the program, listening to his beautiful family speak about him, and his fellow pastors retell stories about him. I left feeling sad. Sad that I didn't get a chance to 'experience' these things about him before he passed. This made me think of all the people in this world I have felt connected to - even sometimes in just passing - that I let do exactly that - pass right by. I think we need to act on these feelings of connection, or we could be robbed of some really great experiences. That's what I'm going to try to be more aware of from now on. There is a reason we meet the people that we meet in this life - it's how we act on those encounters that could make a world of difference.
God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Mama Needs a Percocet
I can't believe it's taken me this long, and not being able to sleep to post. Shame on me. I've intended to, I just usually get so tired at night lately, it makes it hard.
Anyhow, I've been feeling OK physically. Got sick w/ fever on Friday which kinda scared me to be honest. Wait, let's back up a bit. Treatment on Wed in Sedona which was the Avastin and Zometa then a fill in Phx on Thurs where my car broke down on the way home just after the switchbacks with both girls in the car in like, 104 degree weather. Anxiety was running at an all time high. As the whole tow truck thing played out, it was obvious to me why the whole thing happened in the first place. As my husband rushed to our rescue in our neighbors car (our other car was in the shop too ironically leaving my hubby stranded) the tow truck guy arrived to take our aching camry to the same shop. I take our neighbors truck w/ my girls home and PJ rides with the tow truck guy to drop off the car and then pick up the other car we can't afford to get fixed. He and the tow truck guy begin to talk, and he too has a wife with breast cancer, and they talk for quite sometime. This conversation made quite an impact on my hubby - so worth the hour of singing songs and eating Costco bananas in the car with my sweaty girls on the side of the road.
Now, I think the fever on Fri was caused by the reaction to the treatment on Wed, but my tits were so incredibly sore, I was also thinking it could have been a possible infection. I got very worried so I called my plastic doc. He prescribed some antibiotics - so now, I take a total of 12 pills a day this week not including my normal vitamins. Oy. Good news is, my fever subsided Fri night, an my tummy is just having a bit of trouble with all these meds. Need to drink LOTS of water, that seems to help. Now, my tits feel like they are about to burst. We are tapped out, literally. Can I mention how happy it makes me feel to have just typed 'my tits'? That feels pretty awesome. I only have room for like, 30 cc's left in each and I think I'm going to call this quits now. This last fill was really painful. Veronica said as we get to the end, it starts really stretching the muscle and pushing back onto the rib cage - exactly what I am feeling. And these expanders are like, hard whoopie cushions under my skin, there is absolutely no give. I just want this done and over with. Oh and guess what? I get to travel next month to the MOPS convention with these puppies which means I get to give the frickin screeners at the airport a little note basically saying "Hey! My boobs are fake! I have appliances in them that will set off your alarms! Please pull me aside and wand me so all can see it go off around my bulbous looking breasts!!" Nice. I can't WAIT to see how this will play out.
So I read today that the FDA is recommending the drug I am on, Avastin, no longer be recommended for breast cancer patients. Of COURSE this happens to the drug I am taking! WTF? Are you serious? I obviously want to talk to my onc about this, but won't see her for a couple treatments as she is going to be out of town for my next one that is scheduled next week. Will they still even give it to me? Do they care? Should I care? I'm very confused. I saw this article on msn this afternoon and literally burst into laughter. At least it was laughter rather than tears, thank God for that. I'm not sure what to think. One thing my onc taught me was statistics are generalities, not individuals. I like that - that makes sense to me. So I'm approaching this with that in mind.
OH yea, I turned 41 on Sunday. 41. I'm 41. I can't believe it. And - I got a nose trimmer from my husband. I think this was really for him. I had mentioned last week that I had indeed used his once, once when I had an unruly nose hair like - a year ago or something. Then when all my hair grew back in, seems that same unruly one reappeared as well. Went to do my annual nose trim - trimmer was gone. I ask my hubby, he says it broke. Whala - I get a new one wrapped for my birthday. Hmmmmm. To his credit, he also fixed a bracelet I recently broke for me too. I am thankful for my birthday, but am very glad it's over. Upward and onwards.
Prayer circle has given me my fighting spirit back. Thank GOD for that - which I do, everyday. I thank Him for so much that I have. Nose trimmer and all. It lifts me from that dark place and gently places me in a state of grace. I'm so blessed to have people come together for me - physically and otherwise - and pray for me. Thank you all. I have my life to live - and nothing, not even cancer, is going to keep me from doing it. I just ordered Healing From Cancer by Joel Ostein's mother - and I'm so excited to read it. I think it may add yet another 'perspective' to my journey - the layers just keep on comin! Thank you Pastor Mary for completing my 'rule of three' on this subject by recommending it.
I am going to try to sleep now, we'll see how it goes. Miss Ginger has given me a run for my money as of late. Mommy never sleeps.
God Bless -
Anyhow, I've been feeling OK physically. Got sick w/ fever on Friday which kinda scared me to be honest. Wait, let's back up a bit. Treatment on Wed in Sedona which was the Avastin and Zometa then a fill in Phx on Thurs where my car broke down on the way home just after the switchbacks with both girls in the car in like, 104 degree weather. Anxiety was running at an all time high. As the whole tow truck thing played out, it was obvious to me why the whole thing happened in the first place. As my husband rushed to our rescue in our neighbors car (our other car was in the shop too ironically leaving my hubby stranded) the tow truck guy arrived to take our aching camry to the same shop. I take our neighbors truck w/ my girls home and PJ rides with the tow truck guy to drop off the car and then pick up the other car we can't afford to get fixed. He and the tow truck guy begin to talk, and he too has a wife with breast cancer, and they talk for quite sometime. This conversation made quite an impact on my hubby - so worth the hour of singing songs and eating Costco bananas in the car with my sweaty girls on the side of the road.
Now, I think the fever on Fri was caused by the reaction to the treatment on Wed, but my tits were so incredibly sore, I was also thinking it could have been a possible infection. I got very worried so I called my plastic doc. He prescribed some antibiotics - so now, I take a total of 12 pills a day this week not including my normal vitamins. Oy. Good news is, my fever subsided Fri night, an my tummy is just having a bit of trouble with all these meds. Need to drink LOTS of water, that seems to help. Now, my tits feel like they are about to burst. We are tapped out, literally. Can I mention how happy it makes me feel to have just typed 'my tits'? That feels pretty awesome. I only have room for like, 30 cc's left in each and I think I'm going to call this quits now. This last fill was really painful. Veronica said as we get to the end, it starts really stretching the muscle and pushing back onto the rib cage - exactly what I am feeling. And these expanders are like, hard whoopie cushions under my skin, there is absolutely no give. I just want this done and over with. Oh and guess what? I get to travel next month to the MOPS convention with these puppies which means I get to give the frickin screeners at the airport a little note basically saying "Hey! My boobs are fake! I have appliances in them that will set off your alarms! Please pull me aside and wand me so all can see it go off around my bulbous looking breasts!!" Nice. I can't WAIT to see how this will play out.
So I read today that the FDA is recommending the drug I am on, Avastin, no longer be recommended for breast cancer patients. Of COURSE this happens to the drug I am taking! WTF? Are you serious? I obviously want to talk to my onc about this, but won't see her for a couple treatments as she is going to be out of town for my next one that is scheduled next week. Will they still even give it to me? Do they care? Should I care? I'm very confused. I saw this article on msn this afternoon and literally burst into laughter. At least it was laughter rather than tears, thank God for that. I'm not sure what to think. One thing my onc taught me was statistics are generalities, not individuals. I like that - that makes sense to me. So I'm approaching this with that in mind.
OH yea, I turned 41 on Sunday. 41. I'm 41. I can't believe it. And - I got a nose trimmer from my husband. I think this was really for him. I had mentioned last week that I had indeed used his once, once when I had an unruly nose hair like - a year ago or something. Then when all my hair grew back in, seems that same unruly one reappeared as well. Went to do my annual nose trim - trimmer was gone. I ask my hubby, he says it broke. Whala - I get a new one wrapped for my birthday. Hmmmmm. To his credit, he also fixed a bracelet I recently broke for me too. I am thankful for my birthday, but am very glad it's over. Upward and onwards.
Prayer circle has given me my fighting spirit back. Thank GOD for that - which I do, everyday. I thank Him for so much that I have. Nose trimmer and all. It lifts me from that dark place and gently places me in a state of grace. I'm so blessed to have people come together for me - physically and otherwise - and pray for me. Thank you all. I have my life to live - and nothing, not even cancer, is going to keep me from doing it. I just ordered Healing From Cancer by Joel Ostein's mother - and I'm so excited to read it. I think it may add yet another 'perspective' to my journey - the layers just keep on comin! Thank you Pastor Mary for completing my 'rule of three' on this subject by recommending it.
I am going to try to sleep now, we'll see how it goes. Miss Ginger has given me a run for my money as of late. Mommy never sleeps.
God Bless -
Friday, July 9, 2010
Spiritual Draino
Can't sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute. Funny, I'm tired - wicked tired - but I lay down, close my eyes, and my mind will not shut off. Thought maybe if I dumped some of this out here it may help. We'll see.
We started my prayer circle back up today, and I have to say, it was amazing. Once again I am so touched by the people who show up for me in this realm. I can't explain how awesome this is - to see God working through these fabulous people. In any case, this has played out stunningly throughout my day today. It's like, this was just the awesome dose of 'spiritual draino' I needed, if you will. It's like I had a clog in my communication w/ God - and this just cleared it all out. Now, the conversation is back on track and there's so much to talk about - maybe that's why I can't sleep. Hmmm.
I had been stuck in this rut of constantly looking back and feeling such regret. Regret for not enjoying things that I took for granted - like my good health, my youth, my 'womanness' if you will. We just don't get it do we? Really - until something threatens or changes it. Sucks. Anyhow, I'm finally starting to let go of this 'looking back' and really embracing who I am now. Physically, and mentally. It is a process, but today seemed to open up this 'wake up and love who you are' way of thinking to me. I finally heard Him speak to me on this issue. My husband tells me recently that he can look at me and know when I'm stuck in my head - it's very reassuring to know that someone knows you that well. Very conforting - like you have someone in your corner at all times, someone looking out for you when you can't look out for yourself. PJ is the one person who can call me out on my bullshit and I won't get all butt hurt about it.
Pastor Mary said today that she had a visual of me giving up all this anger, shovel full after shovel full, right over to God. That this would eventually give me a 'lighter' feeling. Back to that 'joyful' state of mind. I want to be back there so bad. She's right - the energy I have should be spent differently. Why add this 'rock' to my already full backpack, right? What an awesome visual - and He can take it.
I think I'm slowly trying to adjust to this new normal, on this medication. My stomach is a little in knots this week, and my feet are really uncomfortable. I remember how the bottoms of my feet would feel when I was a little kid running out to get the mail on a hot summer day in Phx - trying to walk from shadow to shadow in your bare feet to avoid the hot sidewalk. Sometimes it was totally unavoidable, and I'd just go really fast - then when I'd finally get back to the house, my feet would just burn for about 15 seconds or so. That's how they feel, but it's a wee bit longer than 15 seconds. And the place where you toes bend, the crease in your foot, that cracks and bleeds so I do cream, neosporin and bandaids, and wear socks a lot. I shouldn't bitch about this, I feel guilty just writing this here, I mean I've experienced much worse, this just sucks. I thought when I started this medication back in March that I had skirted all these side effects. I guess they just took some time to kick in. So far no side effects with the Avastin, but it's a bit early for that. I've only had 2 treatments so far. We can hope. I do notice that cheese tastes kinda bad to me - which isn't all bad to be quite honest. God had to keep me from eating so much of it one way or another. Maybe that was the whole point in me starting the Avastin in the first place - to curb my cheddar cheese addiction. Hmmm.
We have a lovely weekend planned, swim lessons for Ginger, stortytime at the library, dinner with friends, church - all the normal stuff that I luv. AND I am off my medication for this week starting tomorrow (my meds go from sat to sat). I do have treatment this week on Wed and a fill in Phx on Thurs - so no rest for the weary. I feel like if these expanders get any more in them they are just going to burst. They are really uncomfortable now - I've resorted to sleeping in the chair tonight as I couldn't get situated properly in bed. Me and a thousand pillows doesn't make for a great nights sleep for my husband. Plus, the girls and the dogs all migrate into our bed throughout the night, so by morning, I'm hanging onto the edge of the bed for dear life, so as to not disturb the dog wrapped around my feet under the covers or either child on either side of me, both needing to be touching me in some manner. I love my life.
God Bless and have a great weekend -
We started my prayer circle back up today, and I have to say, it was amazing. Once again I am so touched by the people who show up for me in this realm. I can't explain how awesome this is - to see God working through these fabulous people. In any case, this has played out stunningly throughout my day today. It's like, this was just the awesome dose of 'spiritual draino' I needed, if you will. It's like I had a clog in my communication w/ God - and this just cleared it all out. Now, the conversation is back on track and there's so much to talk about - maybe that's why I can't sleep. Hmmm.
I had been stuck in this rut of constantly looking back and feeling such regret. Regret for not enjoying things that I took for granted - like my good health, my youth, my 'womanness' if you will. We just don't get it do we? Really - until something threatens or changes it. Sucks. Anyhow, I'm finally starting to let go of this 'looking back' and really embracing who I am now. Physically, and mentally. It is a process, but today seemed to open up this 'wake up and love who you are' way of thinking to me. I finally heard Him speak to me on this issue. My husband tells me recently that he can look at me and know when I'm stuck in my head - it's very reassuring to know that someone knows you that well. Very conforting - like you have someone in your corner at all times, someone looking out for you when you can't look out for yourself. PJ is the one person who can call me out on my bullshit and I won't get all butt hurt about it.
Pastor Mary said today that she had a visual of me giving up all this anger, shovel full after shovel full, right over to God. That this would eventually give me a 'lighter' feeling. Back to that 'joyful' state of mind. I want to be back there so bad. She's right - the energy I have should be spent differently. Why add this 'rock' to my already full backpack, right? What an awesome visual - and He can take it.
I think I'm slowly trying to adjust to this new normal, on this medication. My stomach is a little in knots this week, and my feet are really uncomfortable. I remember how the bottoms of my feet would feel when I was a little kid running out to get the mail on a hot summer day in Phx - trying to walk from shadow to shadow in your bare feet to avoid the hot sidewalk. Sometimes it was totally unavoidable, and I'd just go really fast - then when I'd finally get back to the house, my feet would just burn for about 15 seconds or so. That's how they feel, but it's a wee bit longer than 15 seconds. And the place where you toes bend, the crease in your foot, that cracks and bleeds so I do cream, neosporin and bandaids, and wear socks a lot. I shouldn't bitch about this, I feel guilty just writing this here, I mean I've experienced much worse, this just sucks. I thought when I started this medication back in March that I had skirted all these side effects. I guess they just took some time to kick in. So far no side effects with the Avastin, but it's a bit early for that. I've only had 2 treatments so far. We can hope. I do notice that cheese tastes kinda bad to me - which isn't all bad to be quite honest. God had to keep me from eating so much of it one way or another. Maybe that was the whole point in me starting the Avastin in the first place - to curb my cheddar cheese addiction. Hmmm.
We have a lovely weekend planned, swim lessons for Ginger, stortytime at the library, dinner with friends, church - all the normal stuff that I luv. AND I am off my medication for this week starting tomorrow (my meds go from sat to sat). I do have treatment this week on Wed and a fill in Phx on Thurs - so no rest for the weary. I feel like if these expanders get any more in them they are just going to burst. They are really uncomfortable now - I've resorted to sleeping in the chair tonight as I couldn't get situated properly in bed. Me and a thousand pillows doesn't make for a great nights sleep for my husband. Plus, the girls and the dogs all migrate into our bed throughout the night, so by morning, I'm hanging onto the edge of the bed for dear life, so as to not disturb the dog wrapped around my feet under the covers or either child on either side of me, both needing to be touching me in some manner. I love my life.
God Bless and have a great weekend -
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Enlightenment from Kung Fu Panda - who knew?
So I totally quoted this on my Facebook page today. I'm sitting there being totally lazy yesterday watching Kung Fu Panda and suddenly 'hear' this line come out - I've seen this movie like 10 times I think and I never caught this line till yesterday.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why they call it 'the present'. WTF? I'm all - wow! That is pretty cool? Was I just inspired by a Jack Black film? Yes, I think I was!!! Hmmm. Who knew?
Had a really great 4th of July weekend. Busy, but good. We had my mom, Brit and PJ's dad up and we went to the rodeo Sat night then fireworks on Sun night, BBQ, homemade ice cream, can't get more stereotypical than my house I suppose. Everybody seemed to enjoy themselves, but when yesterday came around I was exhausted. It's like I suddenly want to just go and do EVERYTHING!! What is that? I just want to go and experience everything with my family. I think I kinda felt this before, but cancer has given me a drive to just make things happen. More action, less talk. Well, I can actually say that about a LOT of things in my life now - funny.
I started my pills this week, and they do seem to make me a little more tired than usual. So far no side effects from the Avastin, and I've had 2 treatments of that now. When I was at treatment this past week, I picked up this pamphlet called 'living with metastatic breast cancer'. Part of me wanted to read it, the other part of me wanted to burn it. It had some useful information in it I guess, I seem to be fixated on this one quote from a woman who said 'I've lost my hair for the third time and I'm really getting sick of this'. Wow. I think I was looking for someone, somewhere to tell me that I was going to be ok. I wanted some person's experience to be a good one, a happy ending, if that's possible, so I can latch onto it, and hold on tight to it for dear life. I didn't find that - well, not in this pamphlet anyway. I know, in my soul, my life is not in a pamphlet - my life is being lived out each day. Right now, I seem to find comfort in knowing I get to keep my hair and feel pretty good for at least 2 months. That I get to have hair for my birthday this year, and we won't be having treatment on my husbands birthday like last year. That is enough for me. I just don't look to far into the future anymore - I mean, I do - but my joy really comes from PET scan to PET scan. Then, on the other side, I just want it all to stop. Just stop. Back and forth.
I have recently been given information on a 'raw food' diet and how it has 'cured' other women of breast cancer and I have to say - I am just confused. I have never done this kind of diet, or anything resembling this kind of diet. Yet, here I am pondering this and feeling like a complete failure if I don't try something like this. If it worked for one, who's to say it couldn't work for me? Thing is, I never realized how difficult this kind of diet is to maintain - especially for those of us who have never, and I mean EVER, eaten this way. So it has manifested itself into me being completely paranoid about anything and everything I put in my mouth. Do I eat that cracker? That's man made! Man didn't intend us to eat that - don't eat that or your cancer will grow! Seriously, this is the crap that has been going through my mind. I don't know what to do. All I know is I know I should eat an apple instead of a brownie. Duh. That is about as common sense as I can get. Then there it is again, the guilt. If this could save my life, why can't I do it? Arg.
Great church service on Sun. Sermon was essentially that we are all put on this earth, ALL of us, regardless of race, creed, sexual preference - to help and love one another. It made me reflect on my own 'agenda' I seem to have for myself, for others. Caused me to ask for forgiveness, for the Lord to give me patience, and to accept people for who they are, and love them for exactly who God created them to be. It was really an awesome service. I know I've posted the website for my church on here before to listen to sermons, but this one was really great. So I'll remind everyone again - look for the 4th of July sermon, it's not there now, but will be this week. Really frickin awesome.
http://www.prescottumc.com/sermons.htm
Well, the girls are napping now so I think I'll try to catch one myself. Is it because I'm 40 that I need a nap or 'the cancer'? I love calling it that, and I usually whisper it too - cuz it really adds to the dramatics of the whole thing. Whatever. Nap shmap - I'm takin one.
God Bless -
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why they call it 'the present'. WTF? I'm all - wow! That is pretty cool? Was I just inspired by a Jack Black film? Yes, I think I was!!! Hmmm. Who knew?
Had a really great 4th of July weekend. Busy, but good. We had my mom, Brit and PJ's dad up and we went to the rodeo Sat night then fireworks on Sun night, BBQ, homemade ice cream, can't get more stereotypical than my house I suppose. Everybody seemed to enjoy themselves, but when yesterday came around I was exhausted. It's like I suddenly want to just go and do EVERYTHING!! What is that? I just want to go and experience everything with my family. I think I kinda felt this before, but cancer has given me a drive to just make things happen. More action, less talk. Well, I can actually say that about a LOT of things in my life now - funny.
I started my pills this week, and they do seem to make me a little more tired than usual. So far no side effects from the Avastin, and I've had 2 treatments of that now. When I was at treatment this past week, I picked up this pamphlet called 'living with metastatic breast cancer'. Part of me wanted to read it, the other part of me wanted to burn it. It had some useful information in it I guess, I seem to be fixated on this one quote from a woman who said 'I've lost my hair for the third time and I'm really getting sick of this'. Wow. I think I was looking for someone, somewhere to tell me that I was going to be ok. I wanted some person's experience to be a good one, a happy ending, if that's possible, so I can latch onto it, and hold on tight to it for dear life. I didn't find that - well, not in this pamphlet anyway. I know, in my soul, my life is not in a pamphlet - my life is being lived out each day. Right now, I seem to find comfort in knowing I get to keep my hair and feel pretty good for at least 2 months. That I get to have hair for my birthday this year, and we won't be having treatment on my husbands birthday like last year. That is enough for me. I just don't look to far into the future anymore - I mean, I do - but my joy really comes from PET scan to PET scan. Then, on the other side, I just want it all to stop. Just stop. Back and forth.
I have recently been given information on a 'raw food' diet and how it has 'cured' other women of breast cancer and I have to say - I am just confused. I have never done this kind of diet, or anything resembling this kind of diet. Yet, here I am pondering this and feeling like a complete failure if I don't try something like this. If it worked for one, who's to say it couldn't work for me? Thing is, I never realized how difficult this kind of diet is to maintain - especially for those of us who have never, and I mean EVER, eaten this way. So it has manifested itself into me being completely paranoid about anything and everything I put in my mouth. Do I eat that cracker? That's man made! Man didn't intend us to eat that - don't eat that or your cancer will grow! Seriously, this is the crap that has been going through my mind. I don't know what to do. All I know is I know I should eat an apple instead of a brownie. Duh. That is about as common sense as I can get. Then there it is again, the guilt. If this could save my life, why can't I do it? Arg.
Great church service on Sun. Sermon was essentially that we are all put on this earth, ALL of us, regardless of race, creed, sexual preference - to help and love one another. It made me reflect on my own 'agenda' I seem to have for myself, for others. Caused me to ask for forgiveness, for the Lord to give me patience, and to accept people for who they are, and love them for exactly who God created them to be. It was really an awesome service. I know I've posted the website for my church on here before to listen to sermons, but this one was really great. So I'll remind everyone again - look for the 4th of July sermon, it's not there now, but will be this week. Really frickin awesome.
http://www.prescottumc.com/sermons.htm
Well, the girls are napping now so I think I'll try to catch one myself. Is it because I'm 40 that I need a nap or 'the cancer'? I love calling it that, and I usually whisper it too - cuz it really adds to the dramatics of the whole thing. Whatever. Nap shmap - I'm takin one.
God Bless -
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