More Support Than an Underwire!!

I actually needed a day to recoup from my Thursday. This was absolutely incredible.

So I actually woke up in a pretty good mood, which is rare these days, and excited to take Madeline to school and Ginger to MOPPETS and myself to MOPS - ahhhhhh the regular routine at last. As I stand in line to sign Madeline in to school, I notice all these people around me are wearing these pink t-shirts. Moms of other preschoolers, teachers - MOPS moms, they all seem to have these shirts on. I think this is odd, but kinda maybe figure something was going on with some group I wasn't a part of or something. Then, as I'm signing Madeline into the book, I hear a little boy next to me ask his mom "Mommy, why is everyone wearing these pink shirts?" and his mom says "this is for one of the other mommy's here at school - she is sick and everyone is raising money to help her get better". I am at a complete loss as to how to explain how I felt - to say I was touched, humbled, moved, blessed - there simply are not enough words created in the human language to describe how I feel. But it goes on -

I get into the MOPS meeting room and everyone, I mean everyone - is wearing these pink t-shirts - they say 'Game On!' which is a phrase that came from Jennifer to me after the first prayer session we had about my cancer. Then underneath this phrase is the following scripture: 'Lord my God, I prayed for you, and you healed me. - Psalm 30:2

Apparently, this has been going on for quite sometime. My wonderful MOPS moms and mentor moms under Jennifer's swift guidance have been selling these t-shirts to help raise money for me and my family. As this was all revealed to me at the beginning of the meeting, I cannot explain the graciousness I feel. I am graced, I am blessed - I am completely overwhelmed. Never in my life could I ever guess this many people cared about me and my family - never in a million years. Profits from baked goods are dedicated to me, beautiful jewelry is made for me (which makes me feel so pretty I must say), profits from home run business are dedicated to me, the list goes on. They have raised $3800 to help us offset the costs of the medical bills & gas for treatments for the next 6-12 months. I have attached some pics taken to give you a sense of what this looked like - again, never in a million years would I have guessed, never.

Again, I am so very blessed. Then I learn Pastor Mary was working the 'big' room (sanctuary) last Sunday and had used me (and quotes from this blog) in her sermon. Again, never in a million years would I have ever imagined. When I went to pick up Madeline that day, her teacher told me that Madeline was just extra loving lately. That she had always been a very loving little girl, but was extra loving as of late. She said in chapel Madeline said that her mommy has a owie in her boobie. Madeline told me in the car on the way home that they prayed for me in chapel today. Tears, just tears - tears to hear her little voice mouth these words, and tears that she even has to - just tears.

Is it possible to be able to ever imagine how many lives we touch? One thing (amongst many) that caught me off guard about Thursday was the handful of people who approached me with tears in their eyes about other relatives of theirs they had lost to cancer. Mostly, it was mothers - and I have to say, this was very unexpected for me, but also, VERY healing for me as well, because it reminded me that this experience has much to teach MANY, not just me. 3 different women approached me with questions and confessions about dealing with cancer in their own families. Now, I thought this was extremely inappropriate at first, but only because I had lost my normal sense of helping others, something I do quite naturally and quite well. Suddenly I felt thrust into my old friend, compassion, which I had lost touch with for the past month and a half. I, cancer or not, am still Dina - and Dina helps people and connects with people almost instantly - and if I now have a new insight because of this ailment, that can help and, God bless, heal old wounds in people? - than this is what I must do. What an unexpected insight I have gained. Incredible.

After this whirlwind of a morning, I now rush home to quickly pack for our overnight Phx trip - which basically means I packed at the last minute, and forgot everything. This trip was to go and look at the 'F98ck U' car - which, it seems, the consensus is to keep this lovely wording (which is actually hid quite well, not as bad as I thought) . Had a mechanic check it out and it looks like this is going to work! We're thrilled. So, we need to get the paperwork in order and hopefully we can get my dear brother in law and his partner to drive it up here for us as it isn't likely for us to be driving down to Phx in the near future.

I found myself really sad last evening - sad to be hanging out w/ Sean and Joe as someone with cancer now - something I didn't like very much. I wanted to go back. This feeling perpetuated itself into today and I just couldn't shake it. I just didn't want this to be happening to me - now, this is not to say that I wanted this to happen to someone else, not like that. I did examine that feeling though for awhile, and I have to say that I just don't want this. I want it to go away, not to someone else. I know I haven't truly accepted this yet - and the 'why me' as pitiful as that sounds, is still greatly present in my mind. I prayed today for acceptance, because I cannot focus on getting rid of this crap if I don't accept that I have it. I came up with a little mantra, if you will. Considering my chemo schedule (every Wed for 3 weeks, then 1 week off) it will kinda go like this, starting with Mon (Fight - fight - fight - fight - fight - rest - rest) Fight during the week for strength and routine for my kids, then rest on the weekend. I have to do this, I have to keep moving forward. This whole prayer and discussion with myself happened for me in the car on the way to my dentist appt this afternoon - compliments of one of my dear friends in MOPS and her husband. Again, how blessed am I - they were so wonderful and took such good care of me and explained how to alleviate some of the uncomfortable side effects coming my way when it comes to my teeth. (oh joy). No dental work can be done during chemo as I am at a higher risk for infection.

So I come home to my beautiful family - my girls screaming my name when I come through the door - like I'd been gone for a week. I think my prayer worked, because I had a sense of peace about this when I was driving home. And an even more sense of peace as I viewed the huge Ritz cracker looking moon as I drove over the mountain on my way home. Beautiful. This will be an internal battle for awhile, but please do not mistake my not accepting at times as a sign of weakness - it is not. It is a human reaction, I think. I have never been one to back down from a fight - of any kind. I mean, sometimes in a black and white type of argument, I'd take the opposite side just for the fight. (I've grown up a lot since then, but determination remains). I have a date w/ my husband tomorrow night, and I'm thrilled! Dinner and a movie - I can't wait. Let's see if this weekend can actually be as close to 'normal' as we can get - no surprises, no scares, all healthy and happy with peace, I need more peace.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers - they are working. I feel the sudden bursts of energy and peacefulness throughout the day. I know that is what it is.

God's Will? Hmmmmm.........

Today actually ended up being a good day - much to my surprise. This morning my husband and I woke up in opposite beds once again - me w/ Madeline in her twin bed and him in our great big king size bed with Ginger. These nights have got to change. Oy. Honestly though, I find it very healing to sleep w/ Madeline sometimes. She is just a very healing little child. I don't know how else to explain it. The night I got my haircut, I was reading her a bedtime story and she interrupted me to say "mommy - I think your hair looks beautiful". Such a sweet little soul she has.

Anyhoo, I went to WOW today, a Women of Wisdom class I take on Wed at the church. Unfortunately, the class that I really bullied my way into because when I went to sign up it was full - I haven't been able to participate in much this session because of this stupid cancer thing. Today's class will be the last one I'll be able to attend because my chemo will be on Wed starting next week. So it felt good to go. My girls in tow - with us all singing Beyonce 'All The Single Ladies' on the way into town (okay, Ginger doesn't really sing, but she smiles real big, claps and kicks her feet, it's adorable). The worship portion was awesome, then when we broke into our classes I got to give Pastor Mary a big hug - she even called me her favorite little liberal - I should've gotten that recorded, eh? ;-) I am not going to reveal anything about this class experience, as we all take an oath of privacy of all things shared in these sessions, which I highly respect. I will however share with you what I experienced within myself this morning, because for me, it is monumental.

A fire was stirred in my soul today. As I have stated, I know that my purpose in being placed on this earth was to meet PJ, become his wife and partner in this world, and have these 2 angelic little girls and be their mother. God did not will this cancer on me - man and environment have done that. What God does create is smart people developing medicines and cures for these diseases and brilliant caring doctors to facilitate them. After holding my seizing child in my arms this past weekend, I am most certain of God's plan for me - and that is to love, protect and raise my children to become smart, strong, confident women who are not afraid to be who they are out in this world. Women who make a difference in other people's lives, and give back to their community. God did not intend to have this all taken away from me. However, do not think that I am just going to sit back and watch God fix it - I don't think he does that either. I must fight for it, and dig deeper within my soul to connect to him, and those around me. I am more ready for this fight than I thought I could be. To wrap up this thought, PJ and I read Jeremiah 29:11 tonight, and I do not reach for the bible on a regular basis. After reading this, it just may be time for another tattoo after treatment. ;-)

My other friend Jennifer, sent me some of the little scarf hats she wore when she was going through chemo. Since my hair is short now, I went ahead and tried one on and ya know, it doesn't look that bad! Madeline wore one and I wore then other - then of course she wanted to trade, but we wore them together all through dinner. I figure not only do I need to get used to this, my girls do too. It went over much better than I expected. Thank you Jennifer - and I really like them, I will probably want to get more from your friend who makes them - they are great.

Tomorrow I get to do more normal things like take Madeline to school, go to MOPS - then we are heading down to Phx for an overnight stay with my brother in law and his partner as we are going to check out a vehicle for us. It would be much more economical vehicle for us to take to treatments, so we're going to have a mechanic in Phx check it out and see what the deal is. If it makes sense for us to purchase, we'll do it. I have to say though, that a paint job is required for this car before we get behind the wheel. Why you ask? Well, remember that nothing normal happens to our family - everything that happens to us has the essence of 'quirk' attached to it. This car just happens to have had something extremely foul keyed into the trunk portion. Are you ready? It says 'F*(* You' on the back end. When I was told this, I literally said "what???? it says what?????" I figure, I could just add 'cancer' to it if I couldn't get the paint job done right away. Kidding. In any case, if the price is right and it all checks out - we'll get the curse car a new paint job and drive it back up here. Too funny. I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried.

Night Night for now - Pray for a quiet night in the Mountcastle house.

Yes - I Have A Brain

First of all , needed to share these beautiful pictures taken by Kelly Garasha. They are stunning, aren't they? Please send business her way - she is just a beautiful person who takes beautiful photos. We are blessed to have these. capturedphotography@cableone.net

So - results are in from the scads of tests yesterday and the fact that I do have a brain is medically proven now. Even better - no cancer anywhere else except where we've already discovered. GOOD NEWS!!! So, now I just have to run in tomorrow to the hospital for a quick xray to make sure the port is placed correctly (I've been having some weird feelings when breathing on my left side) and we're off to the races. My first chemo treatment is tentatively scheduled for Wed of next week. Yikes. I'm eager to get this shit kicked out of me, yet frightened at the thought of poison running through my veins at the same time. I'm sure this will intensify even more as it approaches closer.

Went for my echo and ekg today, and those went just fine. Nothing to report there except that my heart does have an extra little step in its beat. Explains why I'm not a real great tap dancer, but does explain my comedic timing. ;-)

The nurse we met for my ekg - her name is Anne - reminded me of a valuable lesson today when I was in there. Of course, like most medical professionals I have encountered within the last month and a half, they all seem to say at one point or another that I am way to young to be going through this. Anne stated the same type of thing this morning then asked why I was a patient of Dr. Lindquist (oncologist). After I explained she simply stated 'you'll be fine, just keep a positive attitude'. She went on to explain that her sister had a brain tumor and that it was very serious. Her sister decided to name her tumor - she called it Tom the Tumor - and her family lovingly referred to her as 'Tumor Head'. This was ten years ago.

Now, this may seem a bit mean to most I would presume - however, this goes right along with PJ & I's sense of humor. A wonderful reminder to us to lighten up, and deal with this with as much humor as possible. My sister called me recently and reminded me of this as well - she said to me that humor is a place where I easily go anyway - so go there, and find healing and comfort there. I'm there, and thank you to you all - message received loud and clear.

Our girls are not sleeping well lately - I can't remember a night where PJ and I actually slept in the same bed all night together. I'm praying this will change, as PJ and I both desperately need our sleep. Especially now.

Thank you all again for your prayers - I still need to pray hard in the mornings for strength, that stupid darkness likes to creep in again. Praying helps so much.

Don't Fart during a Bone Scan

So today, Ginger was much better but we needed to get her to the pediatrician for a check up after yesterday's emergency room visit. So PJ stayed home w/ the girls and got them to the dr with Nancy's help, and my dear friend Jennnifer spent the day in lovely Cottonwood w/ me today.

Today I had the following scheduled: CT scan, MRI & Bone scan - in that order. They injected me with the stuff needed for the bone scan when I first got there as it takes 3 hours to start working. Also when I arrived, I was told I needed to drink yet another chalky drink which they comically call a 'smoothie'. It is not a smoothie or anywhere near a smoothie. It is chalk - cold liquid chalk made to have the essence of some sort of flavor. I picked BERRY. Woo Hoo. I thought I did so good drinking the first here at home at 8am - didn't know I needed to drink another when I got there. With much coaching and encouragement from Jennifer (and a straw, that helped) I got the other one down. Now I just felt like throwing up. So the scans went fine - creepy but fine. And the Verde Valley Medical Center was very strange. I'm not sure how to explain this, but it had the wierdest vibe - like a Twin Peaks Stephen King kinda vibe. I kept expecting a midget to come out dancing down one of the many empty hallways. It was just wierd. Everyone was nice, it was just - odd. Glad we don't have to go back.

So there was a break in time before my bone scan so Jennifer and I could get something to eat - but not really enough time to go anywhere - so we decided to pop over to the cafeteria and get something to eat since I hadn't been able to eat anything all day except the lovely smoothies. We ate the one thing that looked fresh (ok the freshest there) and enjoyed the lovely afternoon weather by sitting outside. So we get back in time for my bone scan, and now this lovely chalky stuff feels like it is burrowing into my gut. Not comfortable. A bone scan consists of me laying flat on a table for 25 minutes. My stomach felt like it was doing somersaults. But I got through it and we were on our way.

As we're leaving I explain to Jennifer that I am proud of the fact that I didn't fart during the bone scan because not only would that have been extremely embarrassing - but God forbid me have to redo the whole thing. She generously offered her car for me to fart in, which I declined. I figured I had held it this long, and Lord only know what was in that cafeteria food we ate - might as well wait until I get home. She's such a good friend - not many people would offer their car up to fart in ;-)

My girls are doing great - Ginger is staying on her meds and we watch her temp real close and she really seems back to her old self today. Madeline is great too. I just can't love on them enough. Yesterday still creeps into my mind, quite a bit actually. I had no idea how common this was - this was definately NOT in the users manual. Oh - and to put some people's minds at ease - please know this is not anything PJ and I are bringing into the house from the medical facilities we are frequenting. While I appreciate that concern, it is not true, and it is not helpful for us to hear these things. Our kids are in school and daycare - and kids spread germs. End of story.

Tomorrow we are off to the Verde Valley again for my echo and EKG. I am unfortnately missing the Mothers Tea w/ Madeline at school, but am planning our own Mothers Tea here at the house for Mothers Day. We are praying the tests come back as normal as possible with no more surprises so I can get started with chemo and start killing this stuff. I joined my first online support group today - which is a big step for me. I'm still coming to grips with the fact I have stage IV breast cancer - it's hard to commit to this diagnosis online in this manner. I don't know why it is for me - it just is. I joined, that's about all I can do right now.

Again, thank you for all your prayers. Please keep them coming - and thank you Jennifer for spending your day with me. Thank you Amy & Rachel for making it possible for her to do so.

I'm so tired of hospitals....

Today started as any normal Sunday - we got up, went to church, went to Costco for a few things then had pizza and ice cream then came home. It was all very normal. Madeline fell asleep in the car on the way home, so when we got home, we put her in her bed and she stayed asleep (something that never happens). I was playing with Ginger while PJ got changed, then he came and watched her while I got changed. Out of nowhere - Ginger started having a seizure. It was the single most frightening moment of my life. Before I continue, please know she is fine now and asleep in our bed right now w/ PJ sitting with her, as we do not want to leave her alone this evening, but this was absolutely frightening.

I immediately called 911 and the paramedics arrived quite quickly. She had been seizing in PJ's arms (convulsing with foam coming out of her mouth) the entire time I was on the phone with the 911 operator, but had stopped shortly before they arrived. Then she just went limp and was very drowsy. PJ handed her to me and she never left my arms - we rode in the ambulance to the hospital in Prescott and PJ followed right behind us. A neighbor came and stayed w/ Madeline (who, thank GOD never woke up from her nap to see any of this) until Nancy arrived. It seems my little girl, who was just smiling, waving and playing as if she didn't have a care in the world, had a sudden spike in her temperature which caused the seizure. She has pneumonia in one lung and a UTI. They put in an IV and gave her fluids and an antibiotic, then because she came back around so nicely and as back to her old self, let us take her home. We almost thought she was going to have to stay the night. I'm so glad she is ok.

I really don't know what to say here - except that me being here for my kids and being their mom is the most important thing in this entire universe to me. I just don't want to leave her side - and am sick that I have to go and have these frickin tests done tomorrow instead of staying home w/ her. PJ is actually staying home w/ her tomorrow and my girlfriend, Jennifer, is spending the day with me in lovely Cottonwood for my CT/Bone Scan/MRI. Yippee. I'm going to eat something real quick, shower and get in bed with my baby.

I looked at PJ in the emergency room and said 'what have we done so wrong to deserve these things!' and he profoundly answered 'I think we're doing everything right'.

I can't go through in writing right now the emotions I have gone through today - this was literally the single most frightening experience I have had in my life. I just need to say that nothing is taking me away from my babies. Nothing.

Thank you to Pastor Mary, Pastor Nancy, Sarah, Jennifer & Nancy for rushing to our sides. Your presence at this moments notice is irreplaceable. And thank you to the medical team and doctors and nurses that helped Ginger today. We are once again so very blessed.

Dina's New Look!! for now.......

Well, Michelle went with me and my most favorite hair stylist anywhere (Patti at Wild Manes in Prescott Valley - go see her she's awesome!) gave me a very cute haircut. So I now start my photo documented journey. (yes, that's natural curl in the back - who knew?!?)

I do think it's cute - but to be real honest, I've already begun detaching myself from my hair. It's not important. In the big scheme of things, this is the least of my worries. I'll need to remember this when it actually starts to fall out, but this is really how I feel. I was upset at the first cut - but then, I saw my face and it actually looked much better - I felt a whole lot lighter - physically and in spirit. At least now I know what short haircut I want when it starts to grow back!! One thing I did not anticipate, was the tattoo I have on the back of my neck now displayed for all to see. When I elected to get this, I specifically wanted this in a place where I chose who saw it when I pulled my hair back or chose to show someone. Little did I know this choice would be taken from me my this disease. So - everyone who didn't know before (not that many, hellllooooo!! who didn't know that I was a Obama supporter!! with my big mouth??) will now know that I am a LIBERAL. And there you have it. I think I'll wear a scarf to church tomorrow, still not ready to bear it all quite yet - not in this manner. We'll see.

My friend Jennifer came out again with her precious boys to stay w/ me and the girls while PJ went and got his haircut. (the last haircut he had I gave him, needless to say, he REALLY needed one) I'm still a bit sore and Ginger has discovered my surgery site and is VERY interested in poking me with her tiny little finger. Ouch. It is so nice to just hang out and chat w/ Jennifer. She is so positive and wonderful to me - I am ever humbled. She always just seems to say the right thing - something I really need right now.

My father and Nancy are coming to dinner tonight, so this should be nice. Looking forward to a normal Sunday tomorrow. I still have my moments of sadness - they just seem to sprinkle my days. I wonder if these will go away, get more frequent, change - I don't know. I know I don't like them. I know that medication is something that is available to me - and I think I will know if I go far enough to that side where I'll need those, I don't think this is it I just try hard to continue to replace these dark thoughts with prayer, stories of hope that I have heard, and the positive things people say to me. We'll see where that leads.

I have a catheter in my chest? Ew.

So - surgery went off today without a hitch pretty much. I had no idea this port was called a catheter - I always thought of the OTHER kind of catheter when I heard this word, who knew? I woke up really sleepy from the general and with a horrible headache this time, which is different than the last time. So when we got home (we were supposed to stop at KMart to get more diaper genie refills on the way home, but I wasn't feeling up to it) I had some crackers, a diet coke (of course) took 2 pain pills and slept for 2 hours. I felt much better when I woke up and came out and played with my girls. I love it when Ginger & Madeline see me - they get this HUGE smile on their faces and want me to hold them. The surgery site is small on me, and it hurts a little bit.

Madeline fell asleep before dinner was ready (no nap today) so we'll see if she sleeps through the night, and I was able to feed Ginger even though she rests on my left side, but Dad had to put her into bed. I originally wanted this on my right side of my chest, since I hold my babies on the left, but they wanted to put this opposite of the breast cancer site, which is of course, my right breast. Bummer.

I'm finding I am just as easily effected by positive comments as I am by negative comments. Some of these negative comments aren't intentional, I know this. But, I can't help dwell on them when they are said to me. Someone recently said to me, that my cancer was much more serious than their cancer was. I guess in the context of the conversation, this made sense, but I've done nothing but dwell on this comment all evening. More serious? I think cancer, in any form, is serious - I certainly don't want to win any contests of mine being better than anyone elses. I went online seeking specifically 'metastatic breast cancer success stories' and found this extremely helpful to my state of mind. I suggest EVERYONE who is seeing this as all doom and gloom for me to do the same - it does not have to be doom and gloom for me. My surgeon today was extremely positive which lifts me up. My oncologist is extremely positive, which lifts me up. My friends are extremely positive, which lifts me up. Obviously this is God showing me how trusting works. Trust and Hope - that's what I am working on every moment of my days.

Big haircut day is tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. And mostly pissed that when I wake up with bed head I won't be able to just pull it all in a ponytail and go for the day. It will really look like bedhead now with short hair. I guess the good news of that part is, it won't be that way for long. With no hair, I won't run the risk of having bed head for quite sometime. I'll just be able to throw on a little beanie and go. I ordered some of those last night, I'm eager to try them on to see how I look. Remember, it's going to be hard to be subtle as a bald 6 foot tall woman. It's not like I can wear a cowboy hat up here and expect to blend in. I also ordered eyebrows and eyelashes from a catalog that sells them for chemo patients. (yes, they are real hair eyebrows - way cool) I don't know if I'll need them, but my oncologist said it was a possibility for me to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, so it will make me feel better to just have them on hand in case I need them. Even if I don't use them.

I'm getting sleepy again, otherwise I would keep writing. I'll be sure to post pics of tomorrow's events - did I mention I'm donating my hair to Locks of Love? You literally send your ponytail in the mail to them - kinda creepy, but it's for a great cause. I want to try to give back in whatever way I can right now, so many people are giving so much to me. So here we go - buckle your seat belts, it's going to be bumpy ride!!!!! ;-)