100th Post - I'd like another side effect for 100 Alex!

This is my 100th post - I can't even believe it. I can't believe I have that much hot air to blow, good God. To think that we are in the middle of month #5 with this experience, it is unreal. For those of you who follow me through this blog, I thank you. This blog has been such a wonderful release for me, and such a great outlet for me to share my thoughts - it is very cleansing for me to write. It refreshes me each day. I thank you for your interest, and hope it does some sort of good other than clear my brain for medicated sleep each night.

I realized today, that I never let myself even be happy about potentially being done with this thing in Oct. I didn't even let myself get THAT excited about that last scan, which was totally worth being excited about. It's like I was afraid to let myself be happy about something, because the other proverbial shoe may drop. Well doesn't that just suck? I mean, yes, maybe we will have to go for a couple more cycles, but just deal with that when it comes and be happy now for probably being done in Oct! If it ends up being more, that I'll be fine - I've been fine this far - I mean, amongst the many things I have learned through this process, it's that we as human beings are really adaptable. We don't think we are - but we are. It's amazing what things you just learn to tolerate after having to experience them over a period of time. I'm telling you, if someone were to have informed me I was going to have to go through the side effects I am currently experiencing for a period of 6-12 months, I would have told them no frickin way. Trust me, I'm not bragging about this, I'm simply explaining what we as humans really are capable of when called upon to endure in order to save our lives. Our lives, which we all so take for granted everyday (me included here) just start to include putting up with daily things that we never thought we would have the strength to do. I'd like to list these out here, just for fun - and I'm not going to hold back here, I'll be real honest and graphic about my side effects. I know everyones are different, but these are mine - and I can't believe it's really no big deal. Really.

To start with, I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs since this started, I can't taste anything really, well, the things I really want to taste, the things I like, I can't taste, I eat cough drops on a daily basis to alleviate the continual bad taste in my mouth, I put on deodorant but it doesn't seem to matter as my right armpit continually sweats the most foul smelling sweat, my body doesn't heal fast at all so every morning when I go to have a bowel movement my hemorrhoids (which I got from the constipation chemo causes) bleed and it is excruciatingly painful, I have to take 5 stool softeners a day, my hair is gone but is now replaced with this chemo peach fuzz, my eyebrows are falling out along with my eyelashes, so I have trained myself to sleep on my back to try to preserve the remaining lashes I have, as I covet and count each one every day it seems, I've lost my nose hairs so mucus literally runs out of my nose all day, so you will find Kleenex in every room of my house and vehicles, I get nose bleeds daily, my breasts have absolutely no hormones running through them so they look like two empty wallets, which is actually making surgery look pretty good at this point, I'm in early menopause and have night sweats, day sweats, they come and go at their leisure nowadays, Prilosec is now in my daily pill regime because the heartburn from the pre-meds is so bad, I could fall asleep just about any time during the day if the opportunity arose, I get fever and chills on Friday mornings, and if there is one thing that isn't that bad out of all of this? I haven't had to shave my bikini line this summer!

Now, to see this in writing, this is a shitload of crap to deal with. But to be honest, it's no big deal. Seriously, you deal with something long enough, and it just becomes part of your routine - and it all is manageable, believe it or not. I can do this, it's my life we're talking about - and this experience has certainly made me rethink my body as the vessel which houses my spirit. I must take care of this vessel, and nourish it - but my spirit within in stays nourished and fed in far more important ways. The core that is Dina, feeds the tolerance of much. It's pretty frickin amazing.

I'm off to chemo tomorrow, only the Taxol tomorrow so we'll see how long my stay is this visit. I never know how these treatment experiences are going to go - I think I subconsciously expect something like the last visit, but, it always surprises me - so I'm excited to go tomorrow and see what awaits me. Plus, I'm always excited to go and kill some more cancer cells. Feels productive and I'm ready.

Thank you to my prayer warriors for such an amazing and uplifting prayer today. You feed my spirit the fighting sense it needs - and I am ever grateful.

So - me and my 2 empty wallets are going to have a fruit pop and go to bed. Game On again tomorrow -

God Bless -

Excuse me - can the cancer patient swim in your pool?

So - what a wonderful day of being a mom. In fact, every day I spend at home with my girls is such a blessing. Sure we have our challenges throughout the day. Conversations that contain things like "no means what Madeline? - right, no means no" or "Ginger please stop eating the windowsill" or "yes, mommy looks funny with kleenex stuffed up her nose" but all in all, my time with my girls is so frickin fun. I just love it. How blessed I am that I get to take care of them all day - I am always aware of how blessed I am for that.

It's funny, having cancer makes you kinda freak at every little ache and pain. My back hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" My side hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" I guess this is natural, but it's really annoying. I have to make myself remember that I've had aches and pains before, for many years, and then I think - was that the cancer? I just go back to what my dr has told me, and I trust her, and that brings me peace of mind. But it does get scary sometimes, I have to be honest. It makes you question everything - I mean, I have a physical exam at every treatment - that's once a week I'm seeing my doctor who is asking me how I feel and what has changed. That's really hard to do without noticing every little thing that you feel and wondering why you are feeling that way. I mean, since the past couple of weeks have been a bit more challenging than the previous, I find myself wondering if it's a new side effect I'm feeling, or if something new is growing, or if something new is dying inside of me - you can really drive yourself crazy.

This evening after PJ came in from work, I went to the fitness center here and did the elliptical machine for a spell, then some weights, then to the pool for a quick swim. There was just the lady who runs the pool there and a couple of her friends sitting there talking. I changed then came out and told them that obviously I was a cancer patient and would they mind if I took off my scarf to swim - they said of course it was fine, then we lightly chatted about my condition. Let me say, it is really hard to 'sum it up' in a couple of sentences. I can see on people's faces that as soon as I mention my cancer has spread, they kinda write me off in their expression - and I feel like screaming "No! Stage IV breast cancer doesn't mean a death sentence - not anymore!!!" Because to be honest, I probably would have had the same expression! But, I know so much more now - so much more. Information is certainly power, and to think I was probably one of those people who made the assumption that cancer spread meant terminal - makes me feel really naive now. How many other things do I think I know enough about to make such assumptions? Scary to think. In any case, the swim was so refreshing - I can't even describe it. It was lovely to just swim and not care who was there or what I looked like. Me asking them if it was OK was my way of taking away the awkwardness of me simply taking off my scarf. This way, I put it all out there, they now know, and I can go about my business. Right, wrong or indifferent - it's the way I wanted to handle it and it felt right to me. And my swim was awesome!

I've had this pain in my right breast for the past 24 hours - and it's been freaking me out a bit. My breasts have always been very fibroid - which comes with it's own set of common aches and pains - it's like getting a quick, short charlie horse in your breasts if I had to try to describe it. I hadn't felt these through this entire journey, until now. And the pain is at the biopsy site. Now, I have thought that perhaps since that is healing inside, maybe the surrounding cysts are now starting to 'act up' again - I don't know. I just know it scares me now. This pain, that I've been living with all my life - is now scaring me. Mostly because this was the site that had grown a bit from last weeks appt - I guess just want to talk to my dr about it on wed and see what she says.

I've been battling Madeline throughout this post tonight - so far it's been "mom my finger hurts", "mom I need a drink of water" and then "mom my butt hurts". She cracks me up - this is my fault you see - I was horrible at going to bed as a child. Just ask my mom. Paybacks are a bitch I hear. ;-)

I want to share part of a prayer from my devotional today - it's something I am striving towards - I find it so inspirational.

"Lord, I am grateful that You are not looking for perfection, but for trust and dependence. You desire that I do the best I can do each day, supplied by my roots in You. That's enough. That's the key to knowing beauty and strength and feeling completely loved and content. When I gaze upon Your glory, my imperfections become completely irrelevant. Your grace is transforming, I look in the mirror and see healing deeper than the skin, all the way to my heart and spirit. When I walk hand in hand with You, I feel Your love and mercy. You make me strong and mended, to go out into the world as a valuable child of Yours."

You know, I'm almost done with this devotional - it has been such a source of strength to me. Oddly enough I'm on #80 - there are 90 total and I've got 8 treatments left. Ironic.

God Bless -

What Knockers!!

And after a great big sigh of relief, Dina is back. Wow. What a journey the past couple of days. I have to say this for this recent experience - I think sometimes you have to get pretty far away from who you are to figure out who you were, if that makes any sense. Thurs was a very drugged day for me, but much needed on many levels. I had spent the greater part of the past two weeks in a funk, so to speak. A psychological, physical and spiritual funk. I couldn't seem to muster up the strength like I had been accustomed to, and that really put a damper on my whole being. Correction, I allowed that to put a damper on my whole being. Seeing what it felt like to go in that direction at full force, which is what that medication did to me (not everyone, I'm not making a claim about this or any anti-depressant medication, this was simply my experience, and my experience alone) was something I do not wish to visit once again. It was a wake up call, which I was in need of. My fighting sense is back, although it has changed a bit. My body is just more tired now than it was 3 months ago - which makes sense - I'm getting ready for my 11th treatment - most people only do half of this, so of course it is going to feel different. My fight is back, but it is just a bit more, understated now. The "I Have Cancer And I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore!!!!" just doesn't come out quite as loud, but the strength is still very much there. It is more of an inner strength. Just because the skip in my step isn't as frequent as it used to be, doesn't mean the intent to skip isn't there.

Friday night was great - after PJ got home from some man time playing golf, he and Madeline camped out in the backyard in our tent. It was the absolute cutest thing ever - she was SO excited. I packed them a little snack sack, and they ate ding dongs for dessert and went to bed. So cute. Sat we all got up, I fixed breakfast and then we all went swimming at our pool here in the country club. It was so refreshing to swim, I'm going to work really hard to do this at least once week. We took the girls to the pizza place for dinner, got home and just relaxed. I just love these simple, small town little weekend evenings with my family. It is just the best ever. Hanging with my husband, being a mommy, playing with my kids - this is my life, and I am so full. This morning we went to church, which I'll get into in a moment, then my cousins I haven't seen for no lie, 12 years, drove up to visit me. They are here visiting, and they and my mom drove up to spend the afternoon. Much like when my friend from high school visited last week, I didn't want this to be about cancer, I wanted to catch up after not seeing them for so long! It's almost like I conveniently forget - but I do have cancer, and I do need to talk about it. Stupid cancer. Anyhoo, it was lovely.

This mornings message was about the importance we as parents have in our children's lives - studied was Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Now, train is a weird word to use here, but you get the meaning. I've always taken great responsibility in raising my children with certain morals and values. But another layer of this was hitting home with me today in this mornings message. It is essential that my daughters see their mommy fight this thing - fight with all her might - and keep her head held high and looking towards the heavens. Yes, my head may fall, I don't want them to think I'm never going to be scared or upset or frustrated or angry - they have seen all those things too, but it's how I come out on the other end of those emotions that is the real lesson I am teaching them. If I needed anything else as a driving force through this entire experience, this is it. This has lifted me the rest of the way from the fall I have taken the past couple of weeks. My girls, and what I am teaching them about unfair shit that happens in life and how you can conquer and overcome it. They see me cry, they see me frustrated sometimes (a muted version, they're still little) but we have chosen to let our children see us, as parents, be human - but then they see me pray. They see me gain strength, and hope, and laughter, and peace. That, I hope, is what they will remember, and learn to do themselves one day.

In case you were wondering, yes, I wore my stupid mom bathing suit to the pool, and it wasn't THAT bad I guess. When I tried it on for the first time, it was late at night, and that is never the time to try ANYTHING revealing on, unless you keep the lights off, which, if that is the case, you wouldn't probably end up having something like that on for very long in the first place - ANYWAY - it was fine. And it's really the perfect pool for me to go to, there's never anyone there, and the ones that are there seem to all be bald too - so I guess I'll blend in. Right now, blending in sounds pretty damn good.

Thank you to those who brought me meals this week - Amy and Jeannie - thank you for allowing us to continue to eat as a family. Here's to a new week, to a better outlook, and an intended skip in my step. ;-)

God Bless -

Moving In Stereo

Boy, is that the understatement for the day. Let's just say my first day on my new 'mood' medication has left me feeling, well, medicated. Not liking this too much at all. I feel today, and especially tonight, very fuzzy - not like chemo brain, that is different. This feels like I'm numb, numb and kinda don't care about much. Like I'm wandering around trying to figure out what to do next. Now, I don't know if this is just day 1 on this stuff, or if it gets better and I get acclimated to it, or if it gets worse - but when my husband says to me "I'm looking at you and I can tell you are not yourself - I can't see you in your eyes." Hmmmm, don't think I'll be taking this tomorrow. Yuk. Plus, I felt like I wasn't really excited about anything today - just going through the motions. I realize this is only day 1 - but it certainly is not very motivating for me to continue. Oh, did I mention this prescription cost $110 for 30 days?? Yea, my insurance covered $36 of it, my portion ended up around $110 - can you believe it? What do people do who really need this stuff to function??? What a crock.

So today, in my drugged state, I was invited to attend the years sermon planning retreat for my church. They wanted my input - how very humbled am I that they would even ask me. Come to think of it now, they were probably wondering why they invited me at all considering my gelatinous expression all day - oy vais. But it was really interesting, and so nice to be around adults for an entire day!! I almost broke into an Elmo song by habit, but quickly bit my tongue. ;-)

I'm not feeling very much myself right now, so I'm going to cut this very short this evening. My apologies, but I need to sleep off this one pill and get back to Dinaland tomorrow. I think I can handle me just fine, on my own, with a little help from my friends, family, and the man upstairs.

Signing off for now, God Bless -

Holy Pony!

So treatment went pretty well today. It was busy and although we were early with a 9:15 lab appt, we didn't get out of there until almost 4pm today. Arg. At one point, there were 3 of us in our little 'chemo cubby' getting treatment. Robyn, the head nurse, came over to me and asked me if I would sit with a new patient starting treatment today cuz she thought I could help her. (why? I have no idea, I don't feel like I can even help myself on some days, ya know?) I was a little taken back, and said yes of course (what am I going to say, no?) so over comes this young woman, her husband and her daughter - and there was only one chair left for all of our respective 'chemo buddies' to sit in. So, I was away from PJ through most of my treatment, which was weird. But I really try to just go with the flow at these treatments, and see what I am supposed to experience because it is always different. I never know what I'm going to get. This woman I sat with at the request of Robyn was nice. But - she had a very different take on her breast cancer, which I found hard to listen to at times. I just kept reminding myself that we all have different experiences, and make different choices. She was continuing to smoke, which infuriated me inside, but then I knew how hard it was for me to quit 5 years ago, so I kinda could relate. Again, different choices. Then she said that she and her husband had pretty much decided they were going to do all they could do to get rid of this cancer, and if it worked, great, if it came back, well then they'd just deal with it. It was really a kind of 'whatever' attitude, like she was trying to make light conversation, or entertain me, or impress me - it was very strange. This, of course, is obviously just masking her fear, and is simply a huge wall she has created to 'protect' herself. I really just sat there and did a lot of nodding - really dumbfounded. I just told her that she was where she was because this is where she is supposed to be. That's about all I could come up with, and all she would let me get out really. I've spent most of this evening trying to figure out what this meeting was all about - because to be honest, I don't really want to be paired up with her again, but, well, we'll see how it all shakes out. If God wants me to see her again, I'm sure I will.

Then we met a wonderful couple who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. They were just precious. We sat and chatted with them after denial lady left - and that started a conversation tonight between PJ and I about how we so wish we would have met each other sooner - like we were cheated out of some earlier years in our lives. I mean, we know we wouldn't be who we are or even be together for that matter if we had met earlier, but we know we wanted more children, and if we met earlier, we would have been able to have them - and to just have more time together. 60 years isn't enough!!!!

My exam with my oncologist went well. We spoke alot about my week off and how it seemed to do a number on my spirit, as well as me physically - so then we talked about the possibility of going onto a very low dose of Effexor - and anti-depressant. Now, this would not only assist in my mood, but also help with the night sweats I've been experiencing. You must understand, I have always had VERY strong opinions about anti-depressants - I am not a fan. But, I wonder if they could help me out for now. We talked that this would only be through treatment, and that coming off of them would not be a real issue - it is such a low dose I could literally just stop or we could go every other day - then stop. So I'm thinking I going to give them a try. If I don't like the way I feel, then I will just stop. Simple as that.

Also, we're going to do another CT scan at the end of this cycle to see where we are and then discuss hormonal treatment. We also need to talk about surgery and get that scheduled. I know I'm going to do a mastectomy for sure, because she said if I did a lumpectomy then we are looking at radiation and she wanted to save me from that - which I agree. But I am still leaning towards the double mastectomy - rather than the single. We'll see. The measurement on the scar tissue from the excisional biopsy was a little larger than the last measurement, but she didn't seem concerned - and said I checked out fine everywhere else. Of course, this is praying on my mind this evening. She also said that the hysterectomy would be discussed later, that my ovaries had pretty much shut down from the chemo - which I found myself just sad about. I know, good we're not producing any cancer luvin estrogen, but sad that they are doing what they were designed to do - make babies, which I loved being able to do. So, life is taking that turn in the other direction - and I am very blessed for the children I have - they bring me more joy than I could even have been thought to be deserved by one lone woman in this big world.

My devotional today was once again, ironic. I read it and immediately made PJ read it - and I need to share a portion of it tonight. It is so where my brain is in this journey of mine -


The story of Esther is a moving account of an orphaned Jewish girl whose beauty catches the eye of the Persian King. Since Jews were not highly favored in Persia, Esther keeps her heritage a secret as she becomes the new queen. But when the king's evil chieftain, Haman, vows to destroy her kinsmen, Esther wisely intervenes. She risks her own life by going before the king and identifying herself with a doomed people. She is God's woman in the right place at the right time.

We, too, are God's women in the right place at the right time. We may struggle with God's plan, and we are given a choice to look at cancer as a burden or as an opportunity. We can say "Why me, Lord?" or we can say "Use me, Lord".

Esther could have fretted about the fate of her people. Instead, she knew God had appointed her time as queen to save them. We have a real opportunity to tell others about what He is doing in our lives. God has put us on a stage with a much greater purpose that we can imagine!

Laura Geist


I've been an equity actress for the past 10 years - I know what it's like to be on stage. But this stage is the biggest challenge yet. I don't have a script to hide behind - I have only my own experience. Now that my friend, is powerful shit.

God Bless -

Oh Jeez - I've bought a MOM suit.

Yes, it has begun. I was forced to buy my first one piece bathing suit since I was like, 12 and on the swim team. This moment is a reluctant one, but badly needed. See, I so want to take my girls swimming this summer - and the 2 piece just ain't cuttin it, I mean, at all, if you catch my drift. And I certainly am not the kind to wear a t-shirt and shorts into the pool, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is just not me. So, I bought the proverbial black one piece that is supposed to 'suck it in' in all the right places. I find this advertising ironic, because, even a 1 piece doesn't cover everything, so what ever needs 'sucked in' better be confined to the material of this bathing suit, or you are shit out of luck. I have to be honest, it doesn't look good on me at all - mostly because I have gained weight and have an extremely long torso - so the boobs always seem to end up in the belly region - when I pull it up to cover them properly, it then looks like I'm wearing a thong backwards - not pretty. So, I stretch and pull until I find a happy medium, and just try to stay in the water and find a towel quickly upon exiting. Don't want to frighten the older folks up here in Dewey, not that they are paying attention anyways. Thank God.

Tomorrow is my first treatment of my 4th cycle, and I'm just ready to get this going again. It's funny, you would think that I would look forward to my week off to get a much needed break - but it has only really ended up screwing with my head. So, I am eager to get 'back in the saddle again' as this past week off really did screw with my head. Maybe it is because I didn't feel good at all through my entire week. My prayer circle this afternoon helped immensely. I am continually smitten by those that show up to pray over me. It is remarkable. Pastor Mary read from Psalms 91 today and it was like it was written just for me to hear. My spirit has been tempted by fear as of late, and this was just what the dr ordered. Simply filling. I need to know what version her Bible is, cuz hers always sounds way cooler than mine, and I think mine is pretty cool - so hopefully I can remember to ask her next time I see her.

I didn't write last night only because I was so tired. PJ and I watched this silly horror movie and I literally was so tired, I fell into bed. Stupid movie too - what a waste of time. I should have spent the time writing, so don't watch A Haunting In Connecticut - it's silly.

I have to share with you what happened this evening. When I returned from the prayer circle, PJ was busy working while Madeline watched Noggin and Ginger had just woken up from her afternoon nap. I was, and continue to as of late, experience these 'sweats' that happen periodically throughout the day - pre-menopause symptoms brought on my chemo, Oh Joy. I didn't feel much like cooking, so I suggested we run up to our local mexican food place that is just a 5 minute drive from our house. We don't even have to get on the highway, it's literally right in our development. So we bathe the girls, feed Ginger and head out. I've graduated now to wearing bandannas. As my new friend put it, I think I too will now have 'The Year of the Biker Chick' cuz that is basically what I look like with one of these on. I try to make them look cute, but in the end, they look bikerish. Even in pink. They are just the most comfortable and the coolest in the summer weather. So we go in, say HI to the entire wait staff cuz they know us and are like family to us. So sweet. Now, those of you with children know, when they are this small, you are constantly dealing with one or the other through the entire meal. It is difficult to get a chance for me to look at my husband much less anyone else around me. I say this for a reason to come to light soon. We had a fantastic meal together as a family, Ginger waving to EVERYONE in the restaurant (has to know everyone, just like her PoPo) and Madeline handing princess stickers out to the wait staff. So cute. Ginger ended up getting fussy just a little earlier than expected, so I picked her up and started walking around with her to quiet her down while PJ paid the bill. I was walking around with Ginger for awhile, when I saw PJ talking to our waitress, then one of the owners - obviously I wondered what was wrong. I went over and asked what was up, and PJ said "Someone paid our bill for us!" I said "What? Who?" The owner only told us that it was another one of his regulars like us, good person, and they had left already. He wouldn't tell us anything else. PJ and I just stood there like 2 deer in the headlights - and I just started crying. I looked around, and realized I hadn't paid attention to anyone in the restaurant, really, I was too busy tending to the kids. All we wanted to do was know who it was so we could thank them, which is exactly what this person did not want. What an example of what giving is supposed to be - no need for acknowledgement - which of course, is driving PJ and I crazy - but I understand this gesture and am humbled, and inspired by it all at the same time. What a wonderful example of God's will demonstrated through others. Both of us are still dumbfounded by this gesture, and extremely grateful. If whoever you are happen to be reading this, we thank you. And we thank you for a simple gesture that has once again reminded us how amazing humanity can be - and how inspiring it is to have someone give, and expect nothing, even acknowledgement, in return. It makes me want to go out right now and do this for someone else - which is exactly the point I think. Don't you?

PJ went off to do some late night grocery shopping tonight. It really is the best time to shop - late at night like this, especially at Walmart - because you don't have to deal with all the usual Walmart people, and you don't have the kids with you - so you can take your time and get everything on your list (well, we'll see) ;-)

I'm going to go and read Psalms 91 again, and get my things prepared for tomorrows treatment. I'm getting that 'fight' back in my spirit, I lost it there for awhile. Very frustrating.

Thank you for all your prayers, and good thoughts, and all that. I've got my steroids (pre drug to keep me from having an allergic reaction like the first time) pumping at full force now, so I very well may read the whole frickin book at this point - wouldn't be all bad I guess, can you speed read the Bible and still get it? Can I buy Cliff Notes?

God Bless -

It's 110 degrees? Well then Let's Go to Phoenix!!!

It really wasn't that bad, I mean, I grew up in Phoenix. Why do I not remember sweating my ass off in this heat as a child? Was it not that hot in the 1970's?? Did it ever get to 116 in 1975? I can't remember! All I remember about growing up in Phoenix in the summer was swimming alot, riding my Big Wheel around the block, eating Otter Pops, collecting the cicada shells from the trees and putting them in strawberry containers, storing them on the patio, forgetting about them which eventually completely pissed off my mom because bugs would grow in them and invade her patio. I do not remember ever complaining about the heat as a kid. Anyhoo, I digress, we had a great time INSIDE today for my niece's birthday - great family time. My kids didn't get a nap though, at all, so the ride home was a bit, well, vocal.

I had a moment today, at my mom's. We arrived early, and I was informed a friend of my mom's as well as my father in law were also coming to the party. Now, I obviously knew these people, fairly well - but I hadn't seen them since my diagnosis and I felt this rush of anxiety of not knowing how they would handle seeing me - since the last time they saw me I was healthy Dina, not the new improved Chemo Dina. I was anxious about this - it's almost like I got used to my close little nucleus of people surrounding me who all knew, who treated me like normal - and I liked that place. It was safe for me - and others were now entering into this little circle, and I was nervous about it. As it turned out, my mom's friend was awesome - said all the right things (of course she did, she's just that kind of really cool, down to earth kind of person) and she asked me questions!!! I love that!! She wanted to know everything - I didn't know that felt good to me, but it did. My father in law, bless his heart - cried. I expected this, and it was fine. He is a very sweet, dear man - and I love him. He was very sweet. Then he just loved on my girls, and it was awesome.

My friend that visited last evening from high school - very cool visit. He remembered things I totally forgot, so it was a lovely evening of catching up, reminiscing, and reconnecting. It was weird, my cancer came up a couple times in the conversation, and I found myself not really wanting to talk about it. I was just so excited to have this friend from 20 years ago here, I really just wanted to catch up - it's almost like "oh yea, I have stage IV breast cancer and am in treatment, blah blah blah - now what have you been up to!" It was a really great feeling to not be focused on it, and just hang out. Really cool.

My meeting with my new friend on Friday was pretty cool too. She brought a comfort to me that is hard to describe. To hear her speak about her experience, and know we share some of the same feelings, anxieties, laughter - filled my heart. She also directed me to Psalms 34 - a piece of scripture she found comforting when she was at her most insecure moment in the process - a place I ironically find myself right now. I too found this extremely comforting, and know why I was supposed to meet her. She is a wonderful new friend, and a great source of inspiration to me. What a blessing.

I was fighting feeling sick too all weekend, I couldn't tell if it was the neulasta shot or if I was fighting a head/chest cold - I called my dr Sat morning to see if I could take some Sudafed, and yipee! I can! (how cool is it that my dr gave me her cell # - I disturb her by leaving a message on Sat morning and she calls me back 15 min later - she is a Godsend - truly) So I did that Sat along with a nose spray (which did give me a wicked nose bleed, but oh well) Woke up this morning feeling much better - not 100% yet, but better. Watch, I'll feel great come Wed - which in retrospect, is what needs to happen - I gotta feel good by Wed so I'm ready for another dose of mmmmmmm.......chemo. It's funny, I wear my t-shirt that says that, and people don't know what to say - they want to laugh, but are afraid to - it's so funny to wear this shirt out and watch people. Kinda evil maybe, but entertaining. ;-)

Looking back at the last 2 weeks, I think I just hit a certain emotional wall of sorts. I think I didn't feel as good as quickly as I was used to, and I found that frustrating, depressing, and a bit scary. Like I couldn't handle it - or I was getting weak and was going to need to stop treatment - and I can't stop treatment - I need to see this through to the end, whenever that is. I hope it is Oct - Lord I pray it is Oct - but it might be longer - I need to be realistic. Bottom line, I'm doing whatever my Dr tells me I need to do to kill this stuff - I just know how much I need to really take care of myself to get through the second half of this, cuz this chemo shit can kick your ass. And I certainly have enough ass to prove it. I found that I need to listen to that inner voice, which to me, is God, speak to me at night. When I laid down to sleep last night, all alone with my thoughts and fears, his voice said to me to 'be still, and let me heal you'. So I have to learn to be still. I get so geared up in my brain, so anxious - like I have control, and I ultimately don't - something I constantly need reminded of, constantly. We humans are control freaks aren't we?

So this weekend I've put forth for myself to learn to be still, and allow life to happen rather than stress about trying to plan it all the time - I've realized that sometimes, I'm so busy planning life, I'm forgetting to live it - I need to climb on board and ride the wild ride - sweaty ass included.

God Bless - and hope you all had a wonderful weekend.