The Smiling Mastectomy

So, process - process - process - pray pray pray - process - process - process - pray pray pray. It is never ending. Luckily this time, it was a shorter route from point A (process) to point B (pray). Alas, I've been here before. Now, let's think for a minute. I have always kept the following in the back of my head 'this disease is manageable, not curable, but manageable'. Is this the managing part? I always had in the back of my head (obviously a lot of stuff hanging out there) that this would rear its ugly head again. Not this soon, but it would. Did that make it come back? Are our minds that powerful? Yes I think. But so is God. He created my mind, and I have control of what goes in and out.

My good friend Lara came by on Friday last week and we just sat and chatted, it was lovely. I voiced some things to her that I had only kept in my brain - and it felt really good to just release them. I told her, and I have since this evening talked this over with Jesus, that I am not going to be one of those tragic stories. I am not that woman who is written about who died too young and left behind a husband and 2 small children. I am not that person. I am more than this, much, much more. Not to diminish those who did have that tragic ending, not at all. They had meaning and purpose too - but me - this is not how my story ends, I just know it. I would be lying however if I didn't say these things float in and out of my mind, like waves on the seashore. Everything about me as been the exception. Everything. From my marriage, to my career, to my faith, to my health - nothing happened in any sort of 'normal' circumstance. Nothing ever does with me. Therefore, it would make sense for me to beat the odds and live to tell about it. Tell everyone I come in contact with - and comfort and walk the walk with others.

So, on a completely separate note, had one of those awkward moments again this evening. Had a classmate come up to me, who I have never exchanged words with, ever, and basically said 'ya know, it's really up to God at this time, so I will pray for your peace and comfort'. WTF? They also said how awkward this scenario in general was, that you need to say something, you can't just say nothing. I'm standing there listening thinking 'Please! Say Nothing! Please!' My final verdict on this subject??? People are just weird. There are more weird people than there are non weird people I've decided. Those who are on my bus beware, we are outnumbered.

Medication is going great actually. No side effects to speak of yet - but I realized today that I will have taken 56 pills this week. Yikes. Also, how do people without insurance pay for this medication? Remember I told you the Femara drug I was on was around $500 a prescription? Here's what my new drug, Xeloda, said when I picked it up at Walgreens (no lesbian comments this time though, whew!). My receipt read 'Your Insurance Saved You $1827' Can you believe this!!! This is a weeks worth of medication! Can you believe it! I am dumbfounded. I need to do the math on the lifetime policy limit for my health insurance policy cuz I may max it out on medication alone! Hope the Health Care Reform Bill comes into play before that happens, otherwise I'm shit out of luck in getting new coverage somewhere else. Alright, stepping down from the pedestal. Deep breath - my apologies.

So - you're probably wondering what the title of this entry means. I know I don't always explain it, but this time I will. With the recent news last week I wasn't going to do this, but then I started thinking that we were going to do this before, so just do it and shut up about it. My chest is all healed up now, and I'm able to, well, move my chest muscles. When I do this, both sides at the same time, my scars form a kind of, well, smile. Soooooooo - PJ and I, after giggling like 2 school kids once we discovered this, decided we should take pictures of this and post it here. I've got my new blond hair now too - so we're really killing two birds with one stone I would say. So here's some pics - of the frowning mastectomy, then the smiling mastectomy - we thought these were hilarious. But then, we're not the norm. Thank God!

God Bless -

It's Baaaaaaaaack!

Yes, it is true. Seems my cancer is back, although very tiny this time, on my liver. Let's get the medical/technical crap out of the way first - my oncologist has recommended I go on a different drug in lieu of the Femara - I am starting a pill form of chemotherapy tomorrow. I will no longer be on an 'estrogen blocker' type of drug, since it doesn't seem to be doing what we had hoped. The options were go back on the weekly chemo I had before, or this pill form. She has recommended the pill form since I responded so well to chemotherapy before. This pill just obviously gives me a much better quality of life than the other. I will take 4 pills each morning and 4 pills each evening for a week, then take a week off - and so on. If it works, then I will be on this for a 'very long time'. We will schedule a CT scan in 2 months to see how its working.

On an emotional level of course I'm sad, scared - all those normal things I felt before, just on a more familiar level. I I'm really super happy that I elected for the 3 month scans - otherwise we would be faced with a possibly much different scenario. I can't help but feel like my young body just wants to have this estrogen coming from somewhere - like it's fighting to be a part of me from my adrenal gland. So, we need to bring out the bigger guns to fight it. I'm ready, of course I'm ready. I'm listening to this news today w/ PJ with my oncologist on speaker phone while feeding my girls lunch - trust me - I'm ready for this. I'm just pissed off that I have to be is all. I'm tired of these 'bumps' in the road. Maybe this is the journey though - once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient. This is my journey, and this is where we're headed now - whether I like it or not.

I must sign off now, going to get my hair done. And I am going all blond now - I figure I have at least 2 months to keep it and will enjoy it while I can. It's just hair.

I will write more later once this continues to process for me.

God Bless -
God Bless

Time in the Tomb

My hubby finally made it back home to all of his loving girls arms. Ginger came into our room this morning, saw PJ in bed and started marching around the room, waving her arms and squealing. So frickin sweet. Madeline as been all about Daddy today - we are so happy to have him home.

PET scan this morning. To be honest, I hadn't had time to really dwell on this coming up here, which is good I suppose. This time, which will be every three months for this year, usually comes with this small, dark shroud that covers my brain at times. I can't help myself from going back to the time I had my first PET scan thinking it was 'routine' as it was explained to me, only to have the results blow me out of the water. I can't help but relive that experience. But, each time I go to have one of these, it does get easier. The 'reliving' isn't as long as it used to be, the 'shroud' is getting smaller - and I have just learned to pray - pray it all away. Not in a denial kind of way, in a deep understanding kind of way. I can't walk around with this fear, this doubt, this fragilness. I have a family to take care of - I have a life to live to its fullest. It's the same through process, the process just seems to not take as long each time. I'm ready no matter what the results are - each time I have one of these.

So up my ass was this morning at 6am as I had to be there for my test at 7am - and I was actually looking forward to it. Perhaps because I haven't had a quiet moment in a week - for the first time I was actually kinda excited to be injected with some glowing radioactive stuff (I'm being dramatic here) and left in a completely dark room for 45 minutes. I laid there, prayed and snoozed. In fact, when I was actually having the scan done (which takes about 20 minutes) I fell asleep, wooden cross in hand, and woke myself up snoring. What am I, like 80? I'm surprised I didn't druel.

Should have results within the next 24-48 hours. They are usually pretty quick. I have this vision of a clean PET scan, then that allowing me to actually get excited about my upcoming surgery. Excited about my new boobies. I miss them.

I was blessed enough to reconnect with one of my NY friends this weekend, we talked on the phone for a spell Sat night, and he reminded me of something, in a very matter of fact kind of way. We hadn't actually spoken since my diagnosis although we communicated via FB and email, but we were speaking about a one woman show I had written with him and I said that I could write an whole different one now. He said 'Just add to the one you already have. Dina, breast cancer doesn't define you, you are way more than that - there is so much more to you than just breast cancer'. Wow. As simple as that sounds, I think I have been kinda living my life like it was - well, now I think I'm subconsciously melding the two back together, slowly, but I think I have been so entrenched in my breast cancer journey the past year, I have forgotten all the other things I was about. I am so grateful for this comment from my friend. He was so matter of fact about this, in a kind of 'duh!' but non-offensive kind of way. Thank you Wayne. Thank you.

Have to get ready for class tonight, my girls are BOTH taking an afternoon nap right now - that NEVER happens. Let's pray for 'unremarkable' test results, shall we?

God Bless -

Why did my brain keep THAT information?

Ya know, I've said many times before that when I went from being Ms. Corporate Beotch to stay at home mom, my mind just had to release some information to make room for new information. For example - my skill set of how to create users on a customer relationship management system had to leave my brain to make room for the words to the "I Love My Ball' song by Dora's monkey, Boots - (which, by the way, is hilarious - it is my current ringtone). So - you could imagine my astonishment when, on a whim, I grabbed my GoGo's Beauty and The Beat cd on the way out the door this morning for me to educate my girls on the way into preschool. I haven't heard this album in, what, 10 years? At least? I remember every - and I mean EVERY word to EVERY song on this album. How does this make sense? Hmmmm. This is what I pondered today.

Had to go to the beauty supply to try to figure out what product I need for this short, but quickly growing hair - I have no idea what I'm doing - I've never had this short of hair in my life, and now that it's looking 'intentional' as one of my friends put it (I love that) I need to figure out how to do it as it's growing. I walked down the aisle and sighed a bit as I passed the 'Mane and Tail' products. I think the last time I was in I purchased that product. Boo Hoo. Funny, it was way easier to just figure out which scarf I was going to wear - this sucks. But of course, in the best way possible. I love that this sucks. Just love it.

So my hubby is out of town, in NYC as a matter of fact on business, and I am here with my girls for the week. I'm so happy that I finally have the strength to do this, but there are times I feel my patience is being tested. I think that is totally normal. But something that I realized about myself, is solid proof to me of yet another way that cancer has changed me. I remember PJ and I talking about him going to NY prior to cancer, and I was adamant - and I mean adamant - about him not going unless I was going with him. Like I was owed this or something. I was really hot on this subject - not really sure why. Well that's not true, I think I was angry that we left, I wanted to go back, and I was still clinging to this corporate image that I thought I needed to identify myself with in order to make me feel important. Wow - have times changed. It was actually my idea for PJ to go on this trip - I told him I thought he needed to, professionally, and personally. Never did it even cross my mind to drum up all that BS I did before. It wasn't until recently actually that I remembered I even felt that way. Cancer has once again humbled me, made me grow up and own who I am inside. I don't think I've ever been more comfortable in my own soul as I am beginning to be now - this journey is far from over, this is just the beginning. Anyway, that was a big step I thought - so I thought I'd share.

I've been thinking a lot lately of my mortality - which again, is natural I'm sure - right? But I had to recall how I thought about this before cancer, and then try to tap back into that now - which is really difficult. I look at myself and think - wow - 40? Really? I'm 40? Then I think that maybe I only have like, 10 years left or so - then I think that I have way more than that - then I think 'why are you thinking about this? just be happy for today and be present!!' This continuous cycle - I'm hoping this upcoming trip to Santa Fe will help me delve further into this. Seems like it might.

On the point above, I need to share the following then I have to go and eat - having PJ out of town is strange, I don't remember to cook for myself - only my kids. Not necessarily a bad thing actually.

Knowing that your future is absolutely assured can free you to live abundantly today. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Instead of approaching the day as a blank new page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode; being on the lookout for all that I am doing. This sounds easy, but it requires a deep level of trust, based on the knowledge that My Way is Perfect.

I was supposed to go to the gym today, but elected to take Madeline to school then take Ginger to the mall and just let her play at the little kids area and watch her. It was lovely, coffee in hand. I am so blessed that I get to drive my kids around all morning and just be their mom. It is the absolute coolest. Thank you God.

God Bless

New Boobies Popping Up This Spring!

Appt w/ the plastic surgeon went well today. My surgery is scheduled for April 9th and it is outpatient (yay!) and my recovery time is way less. You only know your last experience (yikes) so I was thrilled to hear I should be able to start my fills within 3 weeks of my surgery, probably no drains (thank you Jesus) and only 2 weeks of lifting nothing over 10 lbs. Wow! I mean, I think I have experienced every possible shitty scenario - at least, I hope there are no more out there for me to experience - so this is going to be really smooth. I can just feel it. Plus, I get to really focus on the reconstruction, and feel like it's totally separated from the cancer stuff. Before, it was kinda all mixed up together, if that makes any sense.

Lately, I've been finding this blog difficult to commit to every evening, and I've been searching my soul for why that is. I'm coming up on a year since my diagnosis (4.1.09) and each day now presents itself with a new opportunity for me to discover yet another facet of this new, redefined 'me'. This happens in such subtle ways, and in dramatic ways - but it happens constantly throughout my days, it is difficult to keep track. I am still searching for what the good Lord wants me to do with this new found knowledge - this gift He has given me. Sometimes I feel like I'm headed in the right direction, sometimes not. My cancer journey has changed course now (funny, I almost typed 'ended' but that unfortunately is not true). I think I will need to come here and write at times during this reconstruction process for sure - and most definitely when I am coming upon my PET scan times - but the daily need for me to vent just isn't there anymore. I'm loving getting back to my motherly duties, so blessed to be involved in such a community that loves on me in so many ways - to have the strength to now put myself out there to help others. My Stephen Ministry training is awesome, I'm getting to go to this Avatar course at the end of this month which is going to be life changing, and I've just been asked to be the coordinator for the MOPS group. I am so blessed to be able to participate in these things. The people that surround me and my family in all of these scenarios are not by mistake - this is spiritually intentional. So I'm going to come here when I need to - I think that is what I've been trying to say. Jeez Dina, spit it out.

PJ is going to be in NYC all of next week, so that will do both of us some good - but I will miss him terribly. I'm also wicked jealous - he gets to get a decent bagel, decent pizza and most of all - Chinese food. Arg. He comes back, we have about a week and a half together then I'm gone for - 11 days. I am missing Easter with my girls - but I know I will be a better mother, a better wife, a better person for it. Still sucks - that is a long time for me.

Wanted to end this evening with my devotional for today (yes, I was a good girl and got back to these, they are so awesome) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of cancer. I wonder if that will change too. In any case, here's what God had to say to me about that today:

REFUSE TO WORRY! In this world, there will always be something enticing you to worry. That is the nature of a fallen, fractured planet: Things are not as they should be. So the temptation to be anxious is constantly with you, trying to worm its way into your mind. The best defense is continual conversation with Me, richly seasoned with thanksgiving. Awareness of My Presence fills your mind with Light and Peace, leaving no room for fear. This awareness lifts you up above your circumstances, enabling you to see problems from My perspective. Live close to Me! Together we can keep the wolves of worry at bay.

God Bless -

I Had a Crush on Peter Pan

I recently watched Madeline watch Peter Pan (the original) for the first time and it was one of the coolest mom moments of my life. I was making her lunch at the time, and in the kitchen listening to the movie while she was watching and I could hear it clear as day. As I listened I was flooded with my own childhood memories. I could predict each line, each song, each moment as it happened. I thought 'how do I remember this movie so well?' I was literally saying the lines with the movie as I made her a turkey and cheese sandwich. Then it occurred to me - I used to listen to the Disney Peter Pan album over and over and over. I would listen to it on my rinky dink record player and follow along with the book that came with the record. I couldn't have seen the movie, unless they showed it on TV - wasn't like we had DVD's or even VHS movies at that point. I felt nostalgic, and I felt OLD. In any case, Peter Pan was indeed one of my favorites and I did develop a weird young girl crush on Peter Pan. Until I was taken to a theatrical performance of it and Cathy Rigby played Peter Pan - I remember being very confused by this. Hmmmm.

Today was good, had my calcium treatment in Sedona today and I actually went by myself. I haven't been to any Sedona appt without PJ since the dreaded "Oh no - you aren't stage II cancer - you're stage IV" appointment. It was liberating and lonely all at the same time. I sat with a beautiful woman who was having her 3rd of 6 treatments. She had overheard me and another patient I hadn't seen in awhile talk about our hair coming back in and how we almost didn't recognize each other with hair! She asked me how long it had been since it started to come back. We had a great talk. I love taking to strangers in that place, because, you aren't really strangers at all - at least not for very long. Within a few minutes, you are sharing your stories with each other, gabbing like two old friends, with tubes flowing from our ports. So strange yet wonderful at the same time. It's hard to explain.

My next PET/CT scan is scheduled for March 15th. I don't have the anxiety I had before, but then again, it's a couple weeks away, so there's still time. ;-) I do feel differently about this one. We'll see. Still sucks that this is what I need to do to check on this thing - PET every 3 months. Yuk. I'm also trying some glucosomine (sp?) for my joint problem. We'll see - taking 'joint juice' and it tastes very salty to me, but, if it helps, it's worth it.

Lying here with our new little dog Charley, she was spayed today and she is not feeling real great this evening. PJ will be sleeping in the spare bedroom w/ Snickers and most likely Madeline and I get our bed with Charley. We love our animals. We love all of our kids.

Tired again this evening, and another long day tomorrow. MOPS meeting then we have a trip to Phx to see my plastic surgeon for a check up. We'll be scheduling my surgery then as well, which is exciting.

I haven't been reading my devotionals lately and I really need to. They inspire and challenge me. I have been praying, a lot actually, more than usual. Patience, gotta have more patience. Arg.

God Bless -

This Salsa is Giving Me Hot Flashes!!

Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Salsa and coffee seem to trigger hot flashes for me. Damn. I am not annoyed enough yet to give either of them up, but I am being very, shall we say in the style of Timm Gun 'thoughtful' about it. We'll see.

I have been so frickin tired at night. Granted we had a lot going on too plus me adding the gym to my daily routine, but just exhausted by evenings end. Our weekend was nice, had PJ's dad up and we had a nice time.

I am going to be taking the Avatar course at the recommendation of my oncologist. I am nervous, and excited about this all at the same time. Most of my nervousness is surrounded by the fact that I will be out of state away from my family for 11 days - yikes. I haven't been away from my kids for more than 24-48 hours tops, ever. This will be test, that is for sure. This course, in a nutshell teaches the following: when you take some time and examine your 'beliefs' in things, do you believe things because of what you have experienced before or do you believe things because of what people have told you? Maybe both? I'm not talking 'spiritually' here, at least not for me - I'm talking about my health, people, my life, your core general belief system. Who is to say that we can't control what we believe will happen in the future, based on us simply making the decision to believe that way. Deep - I know. But I think there is some powerful stuff here, and my doc feels strongly enough about it to not scan me again until I finish this course. (I'm due in March and we will scan just before my surgery in early April) Pretty frickin cool, eh? Now, I asked her specifically, where she sees God in all of this, because my relationship with God and Jesus are extremely important to me - and she said something very cool - she said (I'm paraphrasing here) "Everyone who comes into this comes into it with their own set of spiritual values, for me, I was always walking with God, this allowed me to actually be present with God, to feel Him in my heart, like we were one." Again, pretty frickin cool. So, I am mentally preparing to move forward with this. A chance to make decision on my beliefs where my own health are concerned - I am thrilled to start to learn the tools on how to do this. My fears still get the best of my sometimes, and another layer of assistance in dealing with those fears I feel will be very beneficial to me. I'm obviously not the only one.

I received my info in the mail today for the 3 day for the cure walk. It's here in AZ in Nov and I think PJ and I are going to do it. I had contemplated last year, and obviously am glad I didn't considering everything that was going on. If all plays out correctly I should be in a great position health wise to do this come Nov - and would love to make this an annual tradition for us. I think it is way too important not to.

I had a long talk with God today while trodding along on the elliptical this morning. I truly feel that he helped me. That he cured me (metaphysically and physically through others here on earth). He helped me, so now I must help others. I am very clear on the message, it is so clear to me - I just don't know how yet. I get so impatient sometimes, I want the answer now, and I want to move forward. When we do this, when we get impatient, we are blinded to the messages currently coming our way. It's like seeing past the milk carton you're looking for because you think it's ahead of you - instead of right in front of you. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not on my schedule, my wants, my needs. Valid as they all seem to be, they are not to be dealt with on my schedule. When we get so centered on 'our plan' we continually block His out - which always, at least for me, leads to stress and bad hair days. (I can say that now!) I guess the point I'm making is, the more I get back into my new 'normal' life, the more I need to fight the need to control it. It comes much quicker for me though, now, giving it over to Him. And it's true, there is an instantaneous peace that accompanies that. Just still wish I didn't have to go through frickin cancer to experience this - but - oh well.
It is a gift, no matter what the package.

Need to put my man into bed, he is snoring, in a cute way, on the couch. We were both up at 5am this morning to get on line at separate schools to register Madeline for kindergarten. I can't believe she is starting 'big kid' school in the fall. She is so excited. Ginger will be 2 in a couple months - where did that time go? Wow. Never thought I would be excited to start potty training this summer - but then again, it's all about perspective. At least I'm here to do it.

God bless -