Well shit. Results came in that the tumor on my liver is growing again. Slowly, but growing. Doc has increased my meds to an additional pill a day. I currently take 1 Xeloda in the morn and one at night, now he wants me taking 3 a day. The interesting thing is, my blood tests are all normal, great actually. My liver function tests are normal - improved actually from my last visit last month. I looked at Dr. Nixon and said "well that doesn't make sense does it?" Dead pan answer of "Nope". Then I replied - "well, I just don't make much sense do I?" Repeated dead pan response - "Nope". I have to say, I know I'll never know, but I wonder what my exposure to all that shit in the air on 9/11 may have played a role here in how my cancer is behaving. I have the most common kind, the kind they know the most about, yet it is not behaving as it does in other people. I looked at him, because quite honestly, I am feeling very realistic and practical about this - not emotional at all - thank GOD - I asked him worst case scenario, when do we pull out the big guns and I go to the Taxol crappy chemo route again. He said "Oh, that wouldn't happen for a long, long time". Good. Glad we have time to find some other alternative. Then he showed me with his hands how large my liver is - it's pretty big! (figuratively speaking here, I'm not bragging like 'whoa! look at my big liver!' I think everyones is basically the same size I just didn't realize how big they all were) then he indicated to me the size of my tumor - again, some relief here.
I'm fine - and again, kinda amazed. I feel fine, all the other tests read that I'm fine - isn't that strange. What a test of my faith - seriously. Now listen to this little gem of an experience:
I go for my massage with chatty Cathy, right? I walk into the massage room and she starts in on the asking me a question but when I answer I basically get interrupted while she talks about herself, you know these people, right? Anyway, she sits down with me and I tell her that I'm really just looking for a shoulder and neck massage as that is where I carry most of my tension. She says, and I shit you not: "you haven't met with your doctors yet, have you?" I'm thinking, you know this lady, everyone is this whole building knows my schedule, that's kinda the cool thing about CTCA. I reply, no. She continues "so you haven't received the results of your CT scan then, right?" Duh - no. She says, "well, I read them and it seems there is something indicated on your spine, did you know this? I want to stay away from this area and just focus on your upper back area". Wha???? I am immediately in panic mode - more spine mets? What? So I just muster a nod, say OK and we move into the massage, which now, I don't even remember. Long story short, she was wrong. Can you believe it? Wrong!!!! I had a feeling that maybe she misread and mistakenly saw scar tissue from where my previous bone mets were as new ones, but wasn't sure. That's exactly what she did. Yes, I did tell my case manager and no, I won't be having a massage again. What a huge, scary moment. What an idiot. Oy.
So it was an exciting day. Once again, I'm really just living off how I feel. I do what they tell me to do - I trust my docs - and I know I am in good hands. And plugging along I go.
Spending some awesome time w/ my mom, and emotional too. I'm looking forward to spending time with her this weekend. What a gift. And I get to just put this aside and carry on. Not in a denial way, but in a I have a life to live kind of way - I mean, I do. Yes, I did hug my Madeline a little longer then normal when I saw her. She has such a peaceful energy, it's healing to just be around her.
Well tired - must sleep. Prayers for healing please, have a great weekend.
God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Yogurt Ranch Dressing
So yay for me - 5.4 lbs lost in 9 days. Yay! PJ and I are doing the fat smash diet and detox has taken me over the hump. Feeling great. Tired, but great. I've also gotten the guts up to take some of these classes at the Y - I did a bosu class, which, thank God I only used a step instead of a bosu ball because I think I would have not only hurt myself, but the people who formed the tight knit circle of 20 somethings with tight butts around me. Bastards. Anyway - I'm pretty proud of myself - saying no to carbs though is tough. Didn't realize how much I really really really wanted a cracker. Just one! Bah.
So here I sit once again at CTCA for my monthly 'let's see where we are' check up. I think my mindset on this whole thing is either just adjusting to these appointments or I'm getting thicker skin or I'm trusting God even more or I'm just too busy to worry about it. Probably a combination of all of these things. We did blood work and a CT scan to see what is happening with my liver. Again, praying for status quo. It just seems to me that God has work for me to do on this earth, so with cancer, without cancer, managing my cancer - He's keeping me around for awhile longer to tend to things. My husband, my children, my niece, my mother. Anyone else want to come on board? It's funny, the things you just 'do' - I never realized this was such a window into the souls of people - to see what they are really made up of, ya know? Not the things you intentionally do - to get attention, or accolades, or payment or applause - the things you just do because it's the right thing to do - you don't even have to think about it. When I tune into that piece of me, I feel so close to God - it's amazing. Trust me, I've had the 'doing things for the thank you' moments, tons of them - we all do. But to be honest, those moments never fill me up as much as the blessings. This is just what we do. So whatever the outcome again, I'm ready. I know He's got me on this, whatever it may look like from this perspective - from His? Perfect.
I really feel that we all have something to contribute to this world. Some talent that has been bestowed upon us to share with the world. It's just a matter of finding it, feeling it, then sharing it - in whatever form that may be for any of us. Here I am, on the verge of my 42nd birthday, and I'm not sure what it is. I mean, I have a good idea of the general gift, I just am not sure how to apply it to life yet. How to share it the way I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it. I just recently decided I was not going to renew my insurance licenses - now, this may seem silly to you, however, I had been in the insurance industry for 20 years. 20 years!!!! Talk about an industry defining who you are! It totally did - and now? I don't really want to do that again. I mean I did it for a job way back when, then it just turned into a career 20 years later. It did right by me, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am without this career path, so I am grateful - but now - if I had to choose what I got to do with my life - it would not be insurance. So what do I choose? Being a mommy first and foremost, and the heart and spirit of my family. Leading them into cool places on many levels. Then, I'm not sure. I know I have a big mouth - so that is definitely part of it. And I'm kinda bossy - but in a good way! (bossy people always say that) So I'm sure I'm sure I'll figure it out. We'll just have to see.
So I'm staying here in Phx for the weekend to help pack my mom up to move up to us next month. Came down this am with Britt and Madeline, left Ginger with a sitter then she and daddy get a weekend all to themselves. Looking forward to a weekend with my mom, and help her make this a positive transition, it must be hard, leaving a house you've lived in for 18 years. I can't even imagine. I love her so much, and am so excited to have her closer to me. I can help her so much better.
I'll post results tonight, going to have a massage now before the results. I had no idea they did these here!!! Although the lady who does them for me is quite the talker - I'm going to have to tell her politely to be quiet please. Otherwise I feel compelled to carry on some sort of trivial stupid conversation with her then before I know it, it's all over. I like them here because they have this special 'boob' pillow that has holes for my boobies. Totally great, I'm going to try to fashion one of these for myself so I can lay on my tummy again. Implants are not quite as squishy as my old saggy boobies were. Not that I'm complaining! ;-)
God Bless -
Dina
So here I sit once again at CTCA for my monthly 'let's see where we are' check up. I think my mindset on this whole thing is either just adjusting to these appointments or I'm getting thicker skin or I'm trusting God even more or I'm just too busy to worry about it. Probably a combination of all of these things. We did blood work and a CT scan to see what is happening with my liver. Again, praying for status quo. It just seems to me that God has work for me to do on this earth, so with cancer, without cancer, managing my cancer - He's keeping me around for awhile longer to tend to things. My husband, my children, my niece, my mother. Anyone else want to come on board? It's funny, the things you just 'do' - I never realized this was such a window into the souls of people - to see what they are really made up of, ya know? Not the things you intentionally do - to get attention, or accolades, or payment or applause - the things you just do because it's the right thing to do - you don't even have to think about it. When I tune into that piece of me, I feel so close to God - it's amazing. Trust me, I've had the 'doing things for the thank you' moments, tons of them - we all do. But to be honest, those moments never fill me up as much as the blessings. This is just what we do. So whatever the outcome again, I'm ready. I know He's got me on this, whatever it may look like from this perspective - from His? Perfect.
I really feel that we all have something to contribute to this world. Some talent that has been bestowed upon us to share with the world. It's just a matter of finding it, feeling it, then sharing it - in whatever form that may be for any of us. Here I am, on the verge of my 42nd birthday, and I'm not sure what it is. I mean, I have a good idea of the general gift, I just am not sure how to apply it to life yet. How to share it the way I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it. I just recently decided I was not going to renew my insurance licenses - now, this may seem silly to you, however, I had been in the insurance industry for 20 years. 20 years!!!! Talk about an industry defining who you are! It totally did - and now? I don't really want to do that again. I mean I did it for a job way back when, then it just turned into a career 20 years later. It did right by me, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am without this career path, so I am grateful - but now - if I had to choose what I got to do with my life - it would not be insurance. So what do I choose? Being a mommy first and foremost, and the heart and spirit of my family. Leading them into cool places on many levels. Then, I'm not sure. I know I have a big mouth - so that is definitely part of it. And I'm kinda bossy - but in a good way! (bossy people always say that) So I'm sure I'm sure I'll figure it out. We'll just have to see.
So I'm staying here in Phx for the weekend to help pack my mom up to move up to us next month. Came down this am with Britt and Madeline, left Ginger with a sitter then she and daddy get a weekend all to themselves. Looking forward to a weekend with my mom, and help her make this a positive transition, it must be hard, leaving a house you've lived in for 18 years. I can't even imagine. I love her so much, and am so excited to have her closer to me. I can help her so much better.
I'll post results tonight, going to have a massage now before the results. I had no idea they did these here!!! Although the lady who does them for me is quite the talker - I'm going to have to tell her politely to be quiet please. Otherwise I feel compelled to carry on some sort of trivial stupid conversation with her then before I know it, it's all over. I like them here because they have this special 'boob' pillow that has holes for my boobies. Totally great, I'm going to try to fashion one of these for myself so I can lay on my tummy again. Implants are not quite as squishy as my old saggy boobies were. Not that I'm complaining! ;-)
God Bless -
Dina
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Giving is the Gift
Wow. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had posted. I think maybe I was in denial a little - ya know? Maybe if I didn't write about what was happening then it really wasn't happening. Wouldn't that be an awesome power? (meaning, if you're having the 'what super power would you want if you could have one' discussion) In any case, a lot has been going on here needless to say. I a nutshell, Brittany is now officially moving into our home, so our family has grown to 5. Funny, PJ and I always wanted a 3rd child, I am constantly reminded how God has a plan all along - so here we are. Next, my mom will not be moving in with us here in my humble abode, as much as I was looking forward to re-enacting the Charlie and The Chocolate Factory bed scene. They found the drug that worked on her blood clots so she is doing much better - although her recent scan has shown her cancer is progressing. Therefore, she has agreed to move up here close to us (down the street actually if the place we found pans out) so that will make it way easier for me to help her, for her to be close to Britt, my kids, blah blah blah. I know this will be a difficult transition for her, but so glad she agreed to make this move.
I didn't think I could ever make the transition emotionally that you make with your parents when they get older - how you switch roles - I didn't think I was ever mature enough I guess - but low and behold, it has happened. I look at this situation as an outsider and think "wow - this is so adult Dina, you are in such an adult situation here". I still feel 33, maybe 34 - is that normal? Is this how our parents felt? Weird.
For me? Well my pneumonia is finally gone - thank you Jesus. And I go in on Friday this week for a CT scan to check out where my tumor growth is. Again, praying for status quo. I'm feeling really great, making exercise and diet a huge priority which I have to say has been my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I am a major stress eater, and PJ and I both have made a consorted effort to go in the opposite direction with this. It has given me more strength, purpose, and it also is making me put my health first. One thing that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was telling my mom that my family and I were my first priority. That is just NOT what I would have done before cancer. But, clearly being aware of my own mortality, and knowing how essential it is for me and my family that I take care of me mentally, physically and spiritually - this needs to be my first focus. This only helps me tend to others effectively. Wow - that sounds so, 'adult'. Yuk.
Madeline and Ginger are having a great summer - full of gymnastics class, camping, summer movies, swimming - all the things that make summer fun. We won't be able to financially afford NYC this fall as we had anticipated - which is a huge bummer. With what has transpired within the last 3 months, it just doesn't make sense this year. But that is ok - we'll make it there soon enough. I'm a sucker for the Thanksgiving Day Parade - I'm one of those kooks who actually went to it, multiple times when I lived there, and cried like a baby at the Sesame Street float. We will bring my kids there soon enough. Oy do I love that Maria & Louis!!!
I think I've mentally progressed past my disease finally. I'm no longer envious of other moms like I was before, I still get scared, but nothing like I used to. It's more of a fear of how my life will need to change if something medically has to change with me more than anything else. My boobs are finally finished and they look AWESOME!!! I am officially a 38D - and now that I'm losing weight, guess what? Not losing it in my tits first! YES! So frickin awesome. So I bought a swim suit and bras this summer - it's been so great to be on the 'finished' side of this journey.
I'm tackling a huge one now, something I learned today actually about myself. I think I've been living my life, subconsciously of course, like there is this day out there, someday, when I"ll get to just sit and relax and have everything I want. I am not sure if I'm describing this right, but I really think that I've been living like this - or when I was going through the scariest moments of my treatment, mourning the loss of this possibility. What am I really looking for here? What kind of life expectation is this? I guess what I realized today was, just the mere way of being me - everyday - which entails striving to give more than I receive - is exactly what life is all about. Now I'm not talking about this 'live in the moment' or 'life is too short' kind of crap, I get that. What I'm talking about is the actual act of giving to others, that being the gift to yourself. Like I think I thought subconsciously, mostly but not all the time, that my giving would eventually end up in some sort of 'reward' or something. Wha? That's messed up - cuz I totally missed the fullness of my own heart when I just give straight from it. Does that make sense? Well, it has totally enlightened me today, and caused me to get back on the horse here and start writing again, giving again, loving again, from a completely different place. There's no big reward at the end of the tunnel that we keep waiting to achieve with money or things or crap - it's right there inside us all along. We just need to open up. Frickin cool. Hope I explained this right.
Well, I have some amazing pics to post so I have to go sweet talk my hubby into scanning them in so I can post them here tomorrow. I can't believe Madeline starts 1st grade next month, Ginger will be in preschool, and I'm turning 42 in a week. 42. Ya know what? For the first time, so happy to say I'm having a birthday - they mean something totally different now.
God Bless -
Dina
I didn't think I could ever make the transition emotionally that you make with your parents when they get older - how you switch roles - I didn't think I was ever mature enough I guess - but low and behold, it has happened. I look at this situation as an outsider and think "wow - this is so adult Dina, you are in such an adult situation here". I still feel 33, maybe 34 - is that normal? Is this how our parents felt? Weird.
For me? Well my pneumonia is finally gone - thank you Jesus. And I go in on Friday this week for a CT scan to check out where my tumor growth is. Again, praying for status quo. I'm feeling really great, making exercise and diet a huge priority which I have to say has been my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I am a major stress eater, and PJ and I both have made a consorted effort to go in the opposite direction with this. It has given me more strength, purpose, and it also is making me put my health first. One thing that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was telling my mom that my family and I were my first priority. That is just NOT what I would have done before cancer. But, clearly being aware of my own mortality, and knowing how essential it is for me and my family that I take care of me mentally, physically and spiritually - this needs to be my first focus. This only helps me tend to others effectively. Wow - that sounds so, 'adult'. Yuk.
Madeline and Ginger are having a great summer - full of gymnastics class, camping, summer movies, swimming - all the things that make summer fun. We won't be able to financially afford NYC this fall as we had anticipated - which is a huge bummer. With what has transpired within the last 3 months, it just doesn't make sense this year. But that is ok - we'll make it there soon enough. I'm a sucker for the Thanksgiving Day Parade - I'm one of those kooks who actually went to it, multiple times when I lived there, and cried like a baby at the Sesame Street float. We will bring my kids there soon enough. Oy do I love that Maria & Louis!!!
I think I've mentally progressed past my disease finally. I'm no longer envious of other moms like I was before, I still get scared, but nothing like I used to. It's more of a fear of how my life will need to change if something medically has to change with me more than anything else. My boobs are finally finished and they look AWESOME!!! I am officially a 38D - and now that I'm losing weight, guess what? Not losing it in my tits first! YES! So frickin awesome. So I bought a swim suit and bras this summer - it's been so great to be on the 'finished' side of this journey.
I'm tackling a huge one now, something I learned today actually about myself. I think I've been living my life, subconsciously of course, like there is this day out there, someday, when I"ll get to just sit and relax and have everything I want. I am not sure if I'm describing this right, but I really think that I've been living like this - or when I was going through the scariest moments of my treatment, mourning the loss of this possibility. What am I really looking for here? What kind of life expectation is this? I guess what I realized today was, just the mere way of being me - everyday - which entails striving to give more than I receive - is exactly what life is all about. Now I'm not talking about this 'live in the moment' or 'life is too short' kind of crap, I get that. What I'm talking about is the actual act of giving to others, that being the gift to yourself. Like I think I thought subconsciously, mostly but not all the time, that my giving would eventually end up in some sort of 'reward' or something. Wha? That's messed up - cuz I totally missed the fullness of my own heart when I just give straight from it. Does that make sense? Well, it has totally enlightened me today, and caused me to get back on the horse here and start writing again, giving again, loving again, from a completely different place. There's no big reward at the end of the tunnel that we keep waiting to achieve with money or things or crap - it's right there inside us all along. We just need to open up. Frickin cool. Hope I explained this right.
Well, I have some amazing pics to post so I have to go sweet talk my hubby into scanning them in so I can post them here tomorrow. I can't believe Madeline starts 1st grade next month, Ginger will be in preschool, and I'm turning 42 in a week. 42. Ya know what? For the first time, so happy to say I'm having a birthday - they mean something totally different now.
God Bless -
Dina
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Wire Hanger Shoulders
This seems to be where I am carrying all my stress as of late. In my shoulders - ever feel like there is a wire hanger strewn through your shoulders? That's exactly how I feel lately. I'm blessed that my cancer is stable - but I do need to keep in mind that it's not gone, it's just not growing. So the attention I need to pay to my own physical and mental well being is essential - but wow - that doesn't mean the world stops while I tend to these things. Wish it did. Wouldn't that be awesome? I would put a huge red button in my minivan - right next to my cell phone compartment - and I could press it when I wanted everything to stop - just stop so I could catch my breath, finish my thought, listen to a song, breathe deeply, or yes, curse out the many idiots that drive around this town that go 10 miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason whatsoever. But no - no button.
PJ and I asked my mom to move up here, in with us. It's not safe for her to be by herself, and it's just the right thing to do. My words came back to me this week - an exchange I had with Madeline last year sometime, where she was given a toy by her Sunday school teacher that they thought was hers - and it wasn't. I made her take it back and she didn't want to - for obvious reasons. I looked at her and said - "the right thing to do is sometimes the hardest thing to do - that's why not many people do the right thing". I have no idea where this came from - but I was blessed to say this - and now, well, I'm trying to do the right thing. I have these visions of our house turning into the house in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory where we live in this tiny little house and we all sleep together in the great big bed. Creepy. But we need to get the clearance from the pulmonologist (sp?) as I don't want the altitude to make her worse - gotta make sure it's safe. Then to boot - PJ's mom is now homeless for some reason and wanted to move in with us as well. WTF?? We don't have a lot here - we have this small 1600 sqft home in Dewey Az - where are we supposed to put all these people? We are fun people, yea, but we aren't THAT fun! Maybe we are - hmmmm. I will try to be less fun. There is WAY too much background to go into about PJ's mom - let me just say that no, we didn't offer, we don't have room - we can't. End of story.
I'm up to my eyeballs in legal paperwork for my mom and for Brittany. I know what to do - just trying to find the time to do it all is my problem of late. On the good side, watching Brittany take flight in some of these fabulous programs up here has been very rewarding. It's like she's finding out who she is - pretty awesome.
I sat with my mom at her dr appt on Tues and she had the guts to ask the scary questions. The 'am I going to die' question and the 'how much time do I have' question. Ironically, he didn't have any answer - which is so true - because as he said 'only the man upstairs knows when it is our time' - refreshing. However, he said that with my mothers type of cancer the survival rate at the time of diagnosis was 12 months - that was 3 years ago - so there you go. I heard this as a good thing, but I'm not sure how my mom heard this information. Surreal. I was trying to tell PJ that I need to distance myself emotionally from this in order to function within this situation. The moment I let myself connect to the 'feeling' my mother is possibly experiencing I completely fall apart - I put myself in her position and I remember, quite vividly that fearful state of mind. If I allow myself to go there and actually feel what she is feeling, I lose myself completely. So I stay focused on just being there for her - not taking over, just being there. Needless to say - I am praying a LOT lately. Well, I pray a lot anyway - my prayers are just more specific as of late.
One cool thing that happened recently is I have been invited to audition to sing with the contemporary band at my church. Now, it has been a LONG time before I felt excited like this about anything. I felt like I used to feel when I would get the part I wanted in a play or musical I auditioned for - just super excited and like a little kid. Now I don't know what will come of this, but I can't tell you how excited I am to just be asked, and to get the opportunity to go sing with people I have the utmost admiration for - pretty frickin cool. I audition tomorrow, so excited.
My pneumonia is 90% gone according to my doctor at CTCA. He gave me a month leash and I'll go back middle of next month for another xray. I've been back on the antibiotics they had me on before, and I am feeling better. Still some tightness in my right side, but better. Had my 3rd and final tattooing done on Tues so we will make sure that heals and then I should be all done with my reconstruction. Yipee!!!! I really love my new boobies. They are super terrific. PJ seems to agree as well ;-)
I've lost 21 lbs now - feeling so frickin awesome and confident. Getting back to exercising now and eating better, making better choices. Feels so good.
That's it for now. Have to share this amazing God moment - I had recently picked up a prayer book for a friend of mine and was flipping through it before I wrapped it up to give to her. I automatically turn to a prayer called 'Hospitality' - and it has this beautiful prayer then related it back to this verse, Romans 12:13: 'When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.' Sometimes we just need to forge ahead in this life - look ahead and just do it. Just frickin do it. Don't hesitate, don't doubt, don't bitch, don't think 'what if', don't second guess - just do it. This is what we must do.
God Bless -
PJ and I asked my mom to move up here, in with us. It's not safe for her to be by herself, and it's just the right thing to do. My words came back to me this week - an exchange I had with Madeline last year sometime, where she was given a toy by her Sunday school teacher that they thought was hers - and it wasn't. I made her take it back and she didn't want to - for obvious reasons. I looked at her and said - "the right thing to do is sometimes the hardest thing to do - that's why not many people do the right thing". I have no idea where this came from - but I was blessed to say this - and now, well, I'm trying to do the right thing. I have these visions of our house turning into the house in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory where we live in this tiny little house and we all sleep together in the great big bed. Creepy. But we need to get the clearance from the pulmonologist (sp?) as I don't want the altitude to make her worse - gotta make sure it's safe. Then to boot - PJ's mom is now homeless for some reason and wanted to move in with us as well. WTF?? We don't have a lot here - we have this small 1600 sqft home in Dewey Az - where are we supposed to put all these people? We are fun people, yea, but we aren't THAT fun! Maybe we are - hmmmm. I will try to be less fun. There is WAY too much background to go into about PJ's mom - let me just say that no, we didn't offer, we don't have room - we can't. End of story.
I'm up to my eyeballs in legal paperwork for my mom and for Brittany. I know what to do - just trying to find the time to do it all is my problem of late. On the good side, watching Brittany take flight in some of these fabulous programs up here has been very rewarding. It's like she's finding out who she is - pretty awesome.
I sat with my mom at her dr appt on Tues and she had the guts to ask the scary questions. The 'am I going to die' question and the 'how much time do I have' question. Ironically, he didn't have any answer - which is so true - because as he said 'only the man upstairs knows when it is our time' - refreshing. However, he said that with my mothers type of cancer the survival rate at the time of diagnosis was 12 months - that was 3 years ago - so there you go. I heard this as a good thing, but I'm not sure how my mom heard this information. Surreal. I was trying to tell PJ that I need to distance myself emotionally from this in order to function within this situation. The moment I let myself connect to the 'feeling' my mother is possibly experiencing I completely fall apart - I put myself in her position and I remember, quite vividly that fearful state of mind. If I allow myself to go there and actually feel what she is feeling, I lose myself completely. So I stay focused on just being there for her - not taking over, just being there. Needless to say - I am praying a LOT lately. Well, I pray a lot anyway - my prayers are just more specific as of late.
One cool thing that happened recently is I have been invited to audition to sing with the contemporary band at my church. Now, it has been a LONG time before I felt excited like this about anything. I felt like I used to feel when I would get the part I wanted in a play or musical I auditioned for - just super excited and like a little kid. Now I don't know what will come of this, but I can't tell you how excited I am to just be asked, and to get the opportunity to go sing with people I have the utmost admiration for - pretty frickin cool. I audition tomorrow, so excited.
My pneumonia is 90% gone according to my doctor at CTCA. He gave me a month leash and I'll go back middle of next month for another xray. I've been back on the antibiotics they had me on before, and I am feeling better. Still some tightness in my right side, but better. Had my 3rd and final tattooing done on Tues so we will make sure that heals and then I should be all done with my reconstruction. Yipee!!!! I really love my new boobies. They are super terrific. PJ seems to agree as well ;-)
I've lost 21 lbs now - feeling so frickin awesome and confident. Getting back to exercising now and eating better, making better choices. Feels so good.
That's it for now. Have to share this amazing God moment - I had recently picked up a prayer book for a friend of mine and was flipping through it before I wrapped it up to give to her. I automatically turn to a prayer called 'Hospitality' - and it has this beautiful prayer then related it back to this verse, Romans 12:13: 'When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.' Sometimes we just need to forge ahead in this life - look ahead and just do it. Just frickin do it. Don't hesitate, don't doubt, don't bitch, don't think 'what if', don't second guess - just do it. This is what we must do.
God Bless -
Friday, May 20, 2011
Learning To Listen
So here I sit at CTCA awaiting my latest chest xray to see if this pesky pneumonia is finally gone. On the horizon after this? I venture off, barring I am fine, (well, not really) to check into a hotel room for the night because I need to see my mom who I haven't seen since she was released from the hospital on Mothers Day. We need to do some paperwork stuff, bank stuff, blah blah blah. She is now at home, with in home health care visiting her as she is not steady on her feet and is on pain meds so driving is out of the question. She developed additional blot clots in the other leg - so they are monitoring her blood levels as she is obviously on blood thinners. I can't stay at my moms, which is a major bummer, because I have been ademently told by my doctors I need to stay away from cig smoke as it could trigger my pneumonia once again. We have Brittany up with us and I have blessedly been able to get her dental work underway, covering 9 appointments. She seems to be adjusting well, this is all different for her too. I have also blessedly been able to get her involved in some programs for the developmentally disabled and she really seems to be enjoying that. Thank you Jesus for leading me to my community of church and friends - they have all helped me make this happen for Britt - it's pretty cool to watch.
I have to be honest. I have my moments where I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. I feel pulled in every direction, and it when it happens, it's usually around like, 6-7pm - I feel as if I could scream at the top of my lungs for the world to just stop, just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath. Oddly enough, this feeling hasn't happened as often as I would have expected. There is a deep sense of peace within my heart that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. My husband and I look at each other and our hearts, as corny as that sounds, are in such agreement on this. I love Brittany, don't get me wrong, but for the longest time she (and I'm going to be brutally honest here) frustrated the hell out of me. See, I knew Brittany before she was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 3 - and she was just as normal as any other little toddler. I think I always thought, or maybe just wished, that she was still that healthy little girl. Radation treatments into a developing 3 year old brain is what has done her the damage she lives with today at 24 - not the brain cancer. Ironic isn't it. In any case, and I have no other explanation for it because this literally has come out of nowhere - when all this crap went down with my mom and I had to swoop in and get Britt, all of that frustration - 20 years of it people - was gone. I see her with new eyes. I see her as this child of God who deserves the same chance in life that any of us deserve. And, what a gift she is to me, my family, my children!! What is this teaching them about loving each other!!! I can only thank God for this - only He would be powerful enough to turn 20 years of anger into humility in an instant for me. It is crazy amazing. Now, onto the guilt. Oooooohhhh I am a guilt MONGER - oy. I am organizing help for my mom down in Phx beacause I just can't be in two places at once, much to my frustration. I've got her covered for another 3 weeks - but after that, I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray she gets strong enough to be on her own again, time will only tell. We all have to work together, including her, to get her stronger and better. We've got a long road ahead of us. I literally am thinking day by day right now. Which is good, but very dangerous as I forget to see what's coming up on my calendar. So look, Dina, look at what's coming up you dork, just DEAL with the now. Oy again.
Now me - I've got to monitor this pneumonia thing so carefully - it is serious, I know this. I have to do my part to take care of me - so when I get tired, I need to try and rest, even if it is for 5 minutes (not kidding - 5 minute power naps are doingme wonders these days). And I can't begin to tell you how much Jesus keeps me in line - again, as dorky as that sounds, He does. Again, my morning shower moments, He spoke to me this week showing me how amazing He is in orchestrating the people in my life to help me handle what is currently on my plate. I can't imagine where I would be in all of this without the people I currently have in my life. I know that my heart would be filled with anger, fear, bitterness, blame, just plain nasty - I can remember that Dina quite vividly - and she has been taken over by a trusting, peacefilled, faith driven person that really just wants to love on people. It is WAY less work and WAY more rewarding to be this Dina - so bring it all on, I am not afraid, I will take on cancer, pneumonia, help my mom through her cancer, be the caregiver to my neice, whatever gets thrown my direction - these are all tests of how I choose to react to them and how much I am willing to trust Him. My mom used to say to me, "Dina, when you get up in the morning, you get to decide what kind of day you are going to have". That's why we were given free will - she's right.
Yesterday was just a pretty awesome day in general. My last MOPS meeting for the year went great - we had sooo much fun it was like a 'mommy playdate' with 50 women. Awesome!!! Then I took Brittany to a function through a group called SNAP where they all met for dinner and a movie. She was so excited. I actually cried when I dropped her off like she was one of my own. Then, I come home and my husband comes up to me and tells me he wanted to read something to me. Now here I am thinking it's going to be some dirty email he just received - but no. He pulls me aside to read to me Proverbs 31:10-31. Have you read this passage?? I never have, and to have my husband read this to me, tears filling his eyes, I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my life. What a wonderful gift my husband is to me. Through all this crap - and yes, sometimes it all very much feels like crap - there is light. Ya gotta just look for it. READ THIS PASSAGE IT IS AMAZING!!!
So now I have to go downstairs, see what's cookin with this xray and hopefully get my infusion today. I thank God for my life everyday - in the shower. So now you all know that I am a clean person. And I've decided it can be a much better day in general when I decide to just smile at people. Kinda lightens the load - and any little bit helps in that arena these days.
God Bless -
I have to be honest. I have my moments where I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. I feel pulled in every direction, and it when it happens, it's usually around like, 6-7pm - I feel as if I could scream at the top of my lungs for the world to just stop, just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath. Oddly enough, this feeling hasn't happened as often as I would have expected. There is a deep sense of peace within my heart that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. My husband and I look at each other and our hearts, as corny as that sounds, are in such agreement on this. I love Brittany, don't get me wrong, but for the longest time she (and I'm going to be brutally honest here) frustrated the hell out of me. See, I knew Brittany before she was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 3 - and she was just as normal as any other little toddler. I think I always thought, or maybe just wished, that she was still that healthy little girl. Radation treatments into a developing 3 year old brain is what has done her the damage she lives with today at 24 - not the brain cancer. Ironic isn't it. In any case, and I have no other explanation for it because this literally has come out of nowhere - when all this crap went down with my mom and I had to swoop in and get Britt, all of that frustration - 20 years of it people - was gone. I see her with new eyes. I see her as this child of God who deserves the same chance in life that any of us deserve. And, what a gift she is to me, my family, my children!! What is this teaching them about loving each other!!! I can only thank God for this - only He would be powerful enough to turn 20 years of anger into humility in an instant for me. It is crazy amazing. Now, onto the guilt. Oooooohhhh I am a guilt MONGER - oy. I am organizing help for my mom down in Phx beacause I just can't be in two places at once, much to my frustration. I've got her covered for another 3 weeks - but after that, I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray she gets strong enough to be on her own again, time will only tell. We all have to work together, including her, to get her stronger and better. We've got a long road ahead of us. I literally am thinking day by day right now. Which is good, but very dangerous as I forget to see what's coming up on my calendar. So look, Dina, look at what's coming up you dork, just DEAL with the now. Oy again.
Now me - I've got to monitor this pneumonia thing so carefully - it is serious, I know this. I have to do my part to take care of me - so when I get tired, I need to try and rest, even if it is for 5 minutes (not kidding - 5 minute power naps are doingme wonders these days). And I can't begin to tell you how much Jesus keeps me in line - again, as dorky as that sounds, He does. Again, my morning shower moments, He spoke to me this week showing me how amazing He is in orchestrating the people in my life to help me handle what is currently on my plate. I can't imagine where I would be in all of this without the people I currently have in my life. I know that my heart would be filled with anger, fear, bitterness, blame, just plain nasty - I can remember that Dina quite vividly - and she has been taken over by a trusting, peacefilled, faith driven person that really just wants to love on people. It is WAY less work and WAY more rewarding to be this Dina - so bring it all on, I am not afraid, I will take on cancer, pneumonia, help my mom through her cancer, be the caregiver to my neice, whatever gets thrown my direction - these are all tests of how I choose to react to them and how much I am willing to trust Him. My mom used to say to me, "Dina, when you get up in the morning, you get to decide what kind of day you are going to have". That's why we were given free will - she's right.
Yesterday was just a pretty awesome day in general. My last MOPS meeting for the year went great - we had sooo much fun it was like a 'mommy playdate' with 50 women. Awesome!!! Then I took Brittany to a function through a group called SNAP where they all met for dinner and a movie. She was so excited. I actually cried when I dropped her off like she was one of my own. Then, I come home and my husband comes up to me and tells me he wanted to read something to me. Now here I am thinking it's going to be some dirty email he just received - but no. He pulls me aside to read to me Proverbs 31:10-31. Have you read this passage?? I never have, and to have my husband read this to me, tears filling his eyes, I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my life. What a wonderful gift my husband is to me. Through all this crap - and yes, sometimes it all very much feels like crap - there is light. Ya gotta just look for it. READ THIS PASSAGE IT IS AMAZING!!!
So now I have to go downstairs, see what's cookin with this xray and hopefully get my infusion today. I thank God for my life everyday - in the shower. So now you all know that I am a clean person. And I've decided it can be a much better day in general when I decide to just smile at people. Kinda lightens the load - and any little bit helps in that arena these days.
God Bless -
Monday, May 9, 2011
Prayers answered
So as I drove down the hill Friday morning, I prayed. I usually do - all the time actually - especially when I'm driving for many things - but this time I prayed specifically for the following: status quo. That's it. I cried as I spoke w/ Jesus in my car with Bonnie Rait playing low in the background - that what I was doing, treatment wise right now - the 2 Xeloda a day and the Arimidex was totally doable for me - I can handle this - please God, please, just let it be working to stop the growth of this tumor on my liver. My liver function is normal, so if we can manage what we have I am totally content with that - I can do this - I am doing this. I was ready though for anything - but anxious, very anxious. See I haven't felt good since the pneumonia, and that was weighing heavily on my heart and allowing fear to take hold. Whenever I don't feel very good I can't help but think the worst eventually. Sorta sucks.
So I get there, and CTCA is having this huge production for 5 year survivors. The whole place is just bursting with energy and decorations and luncheon tables - it was awesome. In any case, got my blood drawn then headed down to imaging for my CT scan. I tell the awesome tech David that I had pneumonia and he starts asking me questions about it during my scan. He asks me 'when did you have pneumonia?' and I'm all 'uh, why?' Duh Dina - the radiologist who reads my scan kinda needs to know this when he is looking at it - what is wrong with me? Anyhoo - I go right to my dr appt and after waiting which seemed like an eternity, my onc comes in and says - 'well, you still have pneumonia'. What?? Seriously? Then he says, I'll be back in a min I need to look at your scan again. Ugh - seriously? I have to admit, part of me was sooooo relieved. I mean, I hadn't felt 100% since I got pneumonia at the beginning of April - but I finished the drugs and even though I still had pain in my right side everyone kept telling me that was normal. In any case, I still have it. Then, as if it was like a secondary, no biggie kind of thing - he comes back in and says - oh, and the tumor on the liver is showing no change. Inside I am like WOO HOO!!!! I Just have pneumonia!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to just have pneumonia. So now he has me on Ampicillin 4x a day for 10 days then I go back and see him, have a chest xray and have my Zometa since he didn't want to do that until we had this pneumonia under control. I immediately praised God for my answered prayer. This is the first time in a long time I've had news of it not growing, and ya know what? I will take stable. Others have said 'I want it gone!' which, duh, yea so do I - but ya know what? I am perfectly blessed and content with this. What a gift.
My mom however was back in the hospital this past weekend. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now with this, I can't even write about it. I've told the story here a couple different ways and have deleted each of them - so I'm going to leave it at this for now until I can figure out how best to express my feelings on this - I think I am in 'task mode' with various arrangements for her and I've got Britt up here tending to some much needed care for her - I have blessedly arranged friends and family to help me as mom transitions into her new home health care life, and I was privileged enough to spend Mothers Day with my mom in the hospital. This is a difficult transition from daughter to caregiver - but this is where we are and I am privileged to love on my mom in this way. I just need to balance it - remember that God has her, not me - I am merely here to do His work. I constantly need to remind myself to not take it on, take it over, fix it - blah blah blah. And keep the guilt at bay - that doesn't help anyone. I can't really write anymore about this right now.
My Mothers day was awesome regardless - my kids and husband showed up for me emotionally in ways I can not explain. They are amazing - and I am so blessed to have my beautiful family. Very tired right now - need to rest. Oh yea - guess I gotta kick this stupid pneumonia - again. Oy - can you believe it?
God Bless -
So I get there, and CTCA is having this huge production for 5 year survivors. The whole place is just bursting with energy and decorations and luncheon tables - it was awesome. In any case, got my blood drawn then headed down to imaging for my CT scan. I tell the awesome tech David that I had pneumonia and he starts asking me questions about it during my scan. He asks me 'when did you have pneumonia?' and I'm all 'uh, why?' Duh Dina - the radiologist who reads my scan kinda needs to know this when he is looking at it - what is wrong with me? Anyhoo - I go right to my dr appt and after waiting which seemed like an eternity, my onc comes in and says - 'well, you still have pneumonia'. What?? Seriously? Then he says, I'll be back in a min I need to look at your scan again. Ugh - seriously? I have to admit, part of me was sooooo relieved. I mean, I hadn't felt 100% since I got pneumonia at the beginning of April - but I finished the drugs and even though I still had pain in my right side everyone kept telling me that was normal. In any case, I still have it. Then, as if it was like a secondary, no biggie kind of thing - he comes back in and says - oh, and the tumor on the liver is showing no change. Inside I am like WOO HOO!!!! I Just have pneumonia!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to just have pneumonia. So now he has me on Ampicillin 4x a day for 10 days then I go back and see him, have a chest xray and have my Zometa since he didn't want to do that until we had this pneumonia under control. I immediately praised God for my answered prayer. This is the first time in a long time I've had news of it not growing, and ya know what? I will take stable. Others have said 'I want it gone!' which, duh, yea so do I - but ya know what? I am perfectly blessed and content with this. What a gift.
My mom however was back in the hospital this past weekend. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now with this, I can't even write about it. I've told the story here a couple different ways and have deleted each of them - so I'm going to leave it at this for now until I can figure out how best to express my feelings on this - I think I am in 'task mode' with various arrangements for her and I've got Britt up here tending to some much needed care for her - I have blessedly arranged friends and family to help me as mom transitions into her new home health care life, and I was privileged enough to spend Mothers Day with my mom in the hospital. This is a difficult transition from daughter to caregiver - but this is where we are and I am privileged to love on my mom in this way. I just need to balance it - remember that God has her, not me - I am merely here to do His work. I constantly need to remind myself to not take it on, take it over, fix it - blah blah blah. And keep the guilt at bay - that doesn't help anyone. I can't really write anymore about this right now.
My Mothers day was awesome regardless - my kids and husband showed up for me emotionally in ways I can not explain. They are amazing - and I am so blessed to have my beautiful family. Very tired right now - need to rest. Oh yea - guess I gotta kick this stupid pneumonia - again. Oy - can you believe it?
God Bless -
Monday, May 2, 2011
Pneumonia of the brain.....
I haven't posted in quite awhile, and I know why. Pneumonia not only did a number on me physically, it did a number on me mentally, and I've been slowly trying to work through this silently on my own. It has really been terrible. I hit my breaking point this past Friday, where I seriously thought I was going crazy. I found myself in our bathroom, pocket door closed, sitting on the floor laying my head on a closed toilet seat just crying. I knew I had to do this for a couple weeks, just cry. I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. Therefore, it came and took me on it's schedule - which was while I was trying frantically to decorate for Ginger's b-day party late fri night for the next day. Pneumonia has shown me my own frailty - because to be honest, I've never felt 'sick' with breast cancer, the drugs I take for it have made me sick, but I never felt 'sick' with it - pneumonia, made me feel very sick. Frighteningly sick. And that was something I haven't ever experienced thus far. Plus dealing with the looks and the comments once people heard that I had pneumonia - geez - that made me even more sick. Like the old person who breaks their hip and everyone gives them the 'well, this is the beginning of the end' kind of look? That's how I felt. Funny thing was, I was fine - super fine - before this came on - and it came on literally overnight for me - so strange. I immediately prayed for healing, knowing that God totally had my back on this, which took a lot of the overall fear away, but the physical pain was something new for me - the difficulty breathing and how scary that felt - this was all new to me, and process. It is probably completely normal for me to go to the 'dark place' and I indeed did. I felt like screaming 'i have pneumonia - big frickin deal! people get this all the time - I didn't get this cuz I have cancer - I got it cuz I got it - simple as that!" Did God give me pneumonia? No - not anymore than God gave me cancer - but He uses this if I will let Him, to teach me - and He has taught me so much, in fact I'm still learning.
And, my mom is not doing real well - I know she faithfully reads my blog, so I have been hesitant to write about this - another reason I haven't posted in awhile. She has just become so weak by not really eating and keeping up her strength and going through chemo herself, that she is now to the point where we need to get her some help in the home. We ended up calling 911 in the middle of Ginger's party because my mom was having trouble breathing. I know my mom felt terrible for this, but I was just glad she got the help she needed, and, it brought us all to a different reality I think. The reality that she needs help now - that's just where we are right now. We are all in the middle of trying to process this, trying to get proper care for Brittany as she needs some care right now, get mom the medical attention she needs, relieve her pain - just try to shift into this new reality. I know I have been having some challenges processing it - I can only imagine what my mother is going through. I think that is what hurts so much, to think how she is battling the frustration of losing control - then trying very hard to keep myself from 'feeling' that right along with her. I do ya know, I'm just like that. Especially with my mom - I can just feel her - so strong. I'm so pissed I am battling this stupid disease when I'm supposed to be the healthy daughter taking care of her mother. That is what I am supposed to do - but I need to be careful, really careful, not to fall into that same trap I used to of disregarding my own needs for others - cuz that could literally kill me if I'm not careful - one thing cancer does love, is stress. So this is a real test for me - a test of faith to be honest. Not only do I have to trust the Lord with my own health, which I will get into in just a moment, I need to trust Him with my mothers. He has my mother in his hands, and just writing that warms my heart and takes all my fear and sadness away. I know He does. If I am so stressed trying to fix everything for my mother, I am not able to hear God telling me what He needs me to do to help her - and that is what I need to be for my mother, helping her, not fixing her. It's like the one thing I've been working on, trusting God more and not trying to take on everything myself, is being put to the test in like the hugest way possible right now. I have moments where I can literally feel my heart beating in my throat - I get so anxious and stressed I can feel it beating in the back of my throat - then other moments where I'm fine and full of faith - then moments when I just completely break down in tears. I'm now making my way through the sea of 'in home care' information, medical alert systems, finding facilities to help my mom live a comfortable pain free life - it's surreal.
I have my appointment tomorrow at CTCA for a scan to see where we are with this current medication regime - and I have to say, I'm nervous. I haven't felt real great - gee - I wonder why. And when you don't feel good, you immediately go into panic mode. I think I used to think I had to convince myself that I was healed in order to be healed - if that makes sense. Like if I kept being afraid of the cancer it would come back and get me - so I had to convince myself otherwise. Well, that obviously didn't pan out. Then I think I figured it out. I think I figured out what the TRUST part really meant. It means I trust Him no matter WHAT the frickin scan says. I trust Him entirely. He has got my back on this - and I am ready for whatever may lie ahead for me - that is where I need to be. Yes, we are supposed to ask and He gives - but sometimes, He doesn't - and we don't know why - we just need to trust He knows what the hell He's doing - and I think He does - know what He's doing. It was like a light went off in my head. What I get from God is the peace and reassurance that He is with me - that is where the trust comes from - and that is where I need to place all of my focus. Again, I base how I feel off me and how I feel in my heart - not any medical opinion, scan or report. Yes, I am nervous about tomorrow, but then I think of Jesus, having my hand in His as we walk through the doors - and know that He's totally got my back in this - no matter what happens.
Something I'm so thankful for was a reminder one Sunday awhile back is to give my life to Him. Every morning - as a reminder for myself, I say this in my prayers. One of the messages delivered by Pastor Jack talked about this - and I totally felt like I was off the hook finally on this one. I mean, I can think back to a time when I was like, 12, where I 'accepted Jesus into my heart' but hellloooo!!! I was 12 - what the hell did I really know about that? I always felt like whenever anyone spoke about this monumental moment I would think back on mine and go 'well, I think I did it cuz it was what I felt I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do' and always kind of felt guilty about that. To hear it is okay to do this everyday - was a huge spiritual relief to me. It is a reminder to me to do this everyday, which I totally need. In fact, I should probably put this on my daily To Do list - top of the list - give it to Him - next - buy more cheese.
After my appt tomorrow I am off to my mom's to discuss some things about her care, Britts care -etc. I know we can't control when we get to handle things, but man, sometimes I wish we could, right? I mean, it is a constant battle for me to NOT swoop in and take over - but I can't. I just can't. I have my family and girls who need me - I have a responsibility to them to listen to my body and give it a rest when it needs it - to feed it, to take care of it, to listen to it and respond correctly. I am responsible for too much not to. I love my mother so much - and want to be able to help her in a way that doesn't step on her toes, that allows her to keep a sense of self and dignity and independence. I want her at peace with herself, no pain, safe, comfortable and totally connected with God. I will do whatever I am able to make these things happen for her - if she'll let me.
Please keep my mom in your prayers - she is just the most awesome woman going through a huge life transition right now. And I know I need to blog more - I'm sorry for not keeping everyone in the loop about what is happening over here - this past month has been probably one of the most difficult in my life, on so many levels - some of which I'm not even discussing here. I need to remember it helps me immensely to get it out here - in this venue. To get it out of my head and see it here in written form sometimes makes it make way more sense.
I'll write tomorrow to advise of scan results, thank you for your prayers.
God Bless
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