Yes - I Have A Brain

First of all , needed to share these beautiful pictures taken by Kelly Garasha. They are stunning, aren't they? Please send business her way - she is just a beautiful person who takes beautiful photos. We are blessed to have these. capturedphotography@cableone.net

So - results are in from the scads of tests yesterday and the fact that I do have a brain is medically proven now. Even better - no cancer anywhere else except where we've already discovered. GOOD NEWS!!! So, now I just have to run in tomorrow to the hospital for a quick xray to make sure the port is placed correctly (I've been having some weird feelings when breathing on my left side) and we're off to the races. My first chemo treatment is tentatively scheduled for Wed of next week. Yikes. I'm eager to get this shit kicked out of me, yet frightened at the thought of poison running through my veins at the same time. I'm sure this will intensify even more as it approaches closer.

Went for my echo and ekg today, and those went just fine. Nothing to report there except that my heart does have an extra little step in its beat. Explains why I'm not a real great tap dancer, but does explain my comedic timing. ;-)

The nurse we met for my ekg - her name is Anne - reminded me of a valuable lesson today when I was in there. Of course, like most medical professionals I have encountered within the last month and a half, they all seem to say at one point or another that I am way to young to be going through this. Anne stated the same type of thing this morning then asked why I was a patient of Dr. Lindquist (oncologist). After I explained she simply stated 'you'll be fine, just keep a positive attitude'. She went on to explain that her sister had a brain tumor and that it was very serious. Her sister decided to name her tumor - she called it Tom the Tumor - and her family lovingly referred to her as 'Tumor Head'. This was ten years ago.

Now, this may seem a bit mean to most I would presume - however, this goes right along with PJ & I's sense of humor. A wonderful reminder to us to lighten up, and deal with this with as much humor as possible. My sister called me recently and reminded me of this as well - she said to me that humor is a place where I easily go anyway - so go there, and find healing and comfort there. I'm there, and thank you to you all - message received loud and clear.

Our girls are not sleeping well lately - I can't remember a night where PJ and I actually slept in the same bed all night together. I'm praying this will change, as PJ and I both desperately need our sleep. Especially now.

Thank you all again for your prayers - I still need to pray hard in the mornings for strength, that stupid darkness likes to creep in again. Praying helps so much.

Don't Fart during a Bone Scan

So today, Ginger was much better but we needed to get her to the pediatrician for a check up after yesterday's emergency room visit. So PJ stayed home w/ the girls and got them to the dr with Nancy's help, and my dear friend Jennnifer spent the day in lovely Cottonwood w/ me today.

Today I had the following scheduled: CT scan, MRI & Bone scan - in that order. They injected me with the stuff needed for the bone scan when I first got there as it takes 3 hours to start working. Also when I arrived, I was told I needed to drink yet another chalky drink which they comically call a 'smoothie'. It is not a smoothie or anywhere near a smoothie. It is chalk - cold liquid chalk made to have the essence of some sort of flavor. I picked BERRY. Woo Hoo. I thought I did so good drinking the first here at home at 8am - didn't know I needed to drink another when I got there. With much coaching and encouragement from Jennifer (and a straw, that helped) I got the other one down. Now I just felt like throwing up. So the scans went fine - creepy but fine. And the Verde Valley Medical Center was very strange. I'm not sure how to explain this, but it had the wierdest vibe - like a Twin Peaks Stephen King kinda vibe. I kept expecting a midget to come out dancing down one of the many empty hallways. It was just wierd. Everyone was nice, it was just - odd. Glad we don't have to go back.

So there was a break in time before my bone scan so Jennifer and I could get something to eat - but not really enough time to go anywhere - so we decided to pop over to the cafeteria and get something to eat since I hadn't been able to eat anything all day except the lovely smoothies. We ate the one thing that looked fresh (ok the freshest there) and enjoyed the lovely afternoon weather by sitting outside. So we get back in time for my bone scan, and now this lovely chalky stuff feels like it is burrowing into my gut. Not comfortable. A bone scan consists of me laying flat on a table for 25 minutes. My stomach felt like it was doing somersaults. But I got through it and we were on our way.

As we're leaving I explain to Jennifer that I am proud of the fact that I didn't fart during the bone scan because not only would that have been extremely embarrassing - but God forbid me have to redo the whole thing. She generously offered her car for me to fart in, which I declined. I figured I had held it this long, and Lord only know what was in that cafeteria food we ate - might as well wait until I get home. She's such a good friend - not many people would offer their car up to fart in ;-)

My girls are doing great - Ginger is staying on her meds and we watch her temp real close and she really seems back to her old self today. Madeline is great too. I just can't love on them enough. Yesterday still creeps into my mind, quite a bit actually. I had no idea how common this was - this was definately NOT in the users manual. Oh - and to put some people's minds at ease - please know this is not anything PJ and I are bringing into the house from the medical facilities we are frequenting. While I appreciate that concern, it is not true, and it is not helpful for us to hear these things. Our kids are in school and daycare - and kids spread germs. End of story.

Tomorrow we are off to the Verde Valley again for my echo and EKG. I am unfortnately missing the Mothers Tea w/ Madeline at school, but am planning our own Mothers Tea here at the house for Mothers Day. We are praying the tests come back as normal as possible with no more surprises so I can get started with chemo and start killing this stuff. I joined my first online support group today - which is a big step for me. I'm still coming to grips with the fact I have stage IV breast cancer - it's hard to commit to this diagnosis online in this manner. I don't know why it is for me - it just is. I joined, that's about all I can do right now.

Again, thank you for all your prayers. Please keep them coming - and thank you Jennifer for spending your day with me. Thank you Amy & Rachel for making it possible for her to do so.

I'm so tired of hospitals....

Today started as any normal Sunday - we got up, went to church, went to Costco for a few things then had pizza and ice cream then came home. It was all very normal. Madeline fell asleep in the car on the way home, so when we got home, we put her in her bed and she stayed asleep (something that never happens). I was playing with Ginger while PJ got changed, then he came and watched her while I got changed. Out of nowhere - Ginger started having a seizure. It was the single most frightening moment of my life. Before I continue, please know she is fine now and asleep in our bed right now w/ PJ sitting with her, as we do not want to leave her alone this evening, but this was absolutely frightening.

I immediately called 911 and the paramedics arrived quite quickly. She had been seizing in PJ's arms (convulsing with foam coming out of her mouth) the entire time I was on the phone with the 911 operator, but had stopped shortly before they arrived. Then she just went limp and was very drowsy. PJ handed her to me and she never left my arms - we rode in the ambulance to the hospital in Prescott and PJ followed right behind us. A neighbor came and stayed w/ Madeline (who, thank GOD never woke up from her nap to see any of this) until Nancy arrived. It seems my little girl, who was just smiling, waving and playing as if she didn't have a care in the world, had a sudden spike in her temperature which caused the seizure. She has pneumonia in one lung and a UTI. They put in an IV and gave her fluids and an antibiotic, then because she came back around so nicely and as back to her old self, let us take her home. We almost thought she was going to have to stay the night. I'm so glad she is ok.

I really don't know what to say here - except that me being here for my kids and being their mom is the most important thing in this entire universe to me. I just don't want to leave her side - and am sick that I have to go and have these frickin tests done tomorrow instead of staying home w/ her. PJ is actually staying home w/ her tomorrow and my girlfriend, Jennifer, is spending the day with me in lovely Cottonwood for my CT/Bone Scan/MRI. Yippee. I'm going to eat something real quick, shower and get in bed with my baby.

I looked at PJ in the emergency room and said 'what have we done so wrong to deserve these things!' and he profoundly answered 'I think we're doing everything right'.

I can't go through in writing right now the emotions I have gone through today - this was literally the single most frightening experience I have had in my life. I just need to say that nothing is taking me away from my babies. Nothing.

Thank you to Pastor Mary, Pastor Nancy, Sarah, Jennifer & Nancy for rushing to our sides. Your presence at this moments notice is irreplaceable. And thank you to the medical team and doctors and nurses that helped Ginger today. We are once again so very blessed.

Dina's New Look!! for now.......

Well, Michelle went with me and my most favorite hair stylist anywhere (Patti at Wild Manes in Prescott Valley - go see her she's awesome!) gave me a very cute haircut. So I now start my photo documented journey. (yes, that's natural curl in the back - who knew?!?)

I do think it's cute - but to be real honest, I've already begun detaching myself from my hair. It's not important. In the big scheme of things, this is the least of my worries. I'll need to remember this when it actually starts to fall out, but this is really how I feel. I was upset at the first cut - but then, I saw my face and it actually looked much better - I felt a whole lot lighter - physically and in spirit. At least now I know what short haircut I want when it starts to grow back!! One thing I did not anticipate, was the tattoo I have on the back of my neck now displayed for all to see. When I elected to get this, I specifically wanted this in a place where I chose who saw it when I pulled my hair back or chose to show someone. Little did I know this choice would be taken from me my this disease. So - everyone who didn't know before (not that many, hellllooooo!! who didn't know that I was a Obama supporter!! with my big mouth??) will now know that I am a LIBERAL. And there you have it. I think I'll wear a scarf to church tomorrow, still not ready to bear it all quite yet - not in this manner. We'll see.

My friend Jennifer came out again with her precious boys to stay w/ me and the girls while PJ went and got his haircut. (the last haircut he had I gave him, needless to say, he REALLY needed one) I'm still a bit sore and Ginger has discovered my surgery site and is VERY interested in poking me with her tiny little finger. Ouch. It is so nice to just hang out and chat w/ Jennifer. She is so positive and wonderful to me - I am ever humbled. She always just seems to say the right thing - something I really need right now.

My father and Nancy are coming to dinner tonight, so this should be nice. Looking forward to a normal Sunday tomorrow. I still have my moments of sadness - they just seem to sprinkle my days. I wonder if these will go away, get more frequent, change - I don't know. I know I don't like them. I know that medication is something that is available to me - and I think I will know if I go far enough to that side where I'll need those, I don't think this is it I just try hard to continue to replace these dark thoughts with prayer, stories of hope that I have heard, and the positive things people say to me. We'll see where that leads.

I have a catheter in my chest? Ew.

So - surgery went off today without a hitch pretty much. I had no idea this port was called a catheter - I always thought of the OTHER kind of catheter when I heard this word, who knew? I woke up really sleepy from the general and with a horrible headache this time, which is different than the last time. So when we got home (we were supposed to stop at KMart to get more diaper genie refills on the way home, but I wasn't feeling up to it) I had some crackers, a diet coke (of course) took 2 pain pills and slept for 2 hours. I felt much better when I woke up and came out and played with my girls. I love it when Ginger & Madeline see me - they get this HUGE smile on their faces and want me to hold them. The surgery site is small on me, and it hurts a little bit.

Madeline fell asleep before dinner was ready (no nap today) so we'll see if she sleeps through the night, and I was able to feed Ginger even though she rests on my left side, but Dad had to put her into bed. I originally wanted this on my right side of my chest, since I hold my babies on the left, but they wanted to put this opposite of the breast cancer site, which is of course, my right breast. Bummer.

I'm finding I am just as easily effected by positive comments as I am by negative comments. Some of these negative comments aren't intentional, I know this. But, I can't help dwell on them when they are said to me. Someone recently said to me, that my cancer was much more serious than their cancer was. I guess in the context of the conversation, this made sense, but I've done nothing but dwell on this comment all evening. More serious? I think cancer, in any form, is serious - I certainly don't want to win any contests of mine being better than anyone elses. I went online seeking specifically 'metastatic breast cancer success stories' and found this extremely helpful to my state of mind. I suggest EVERYONE who is seeing this as all doom and gloom for me to do the same - it does not have to be doom and gloom for me. My surgeon today was extremely positive which lifts me up. My oncologist is extremely positive, which lifts me up. My friends are extremely positive, which lifts me up. Obviously this is God showing me how trusting works. Trust and Hope - that's what I am working on every moment of my days.

Big haircut day is tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. And mostly pissed that when I wake up with bed head I won't be able to just pull it all in a ponytail and go for the day. It will really look like bedhead now with short hair. I guess the good news of that part is, it won't be that way for long. With no hair, I won't run the risk of having bed head for quite sometime. I'll just be able to throw on a little beanie and go. I ordered some of those last night, I'm eager to try them on to see how I look. Remember, it's going to be hard to be subtle as a bald 6 foot tall woman. It's not like I can wear a cowboy hat up here and expect to blend in. I also ordered eyebrows and eyelashes from a catalog that sells them for chemo patients. (yes, they are real hair eyebrows - way cool) I don't know if I'll need them, but my oncologist said it was a possibility for me to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, so it will make me feel better to just have them on hand in case I need them. Even if I don't use them.

I'm getting sleepy again, otherwise I would keep writing. I'll be sure to post pics of tomorrow's events - did I mention I'm donating my hair to Locks of Love? You literally send your ponytail in the mail to them - kinda creepy, but it's for a great cause. I want to try to give back in whatever way I can right now, so many people are giving so much to me. So here we go - buckle your seat belts, it's going to be bumpy ride!!!!! ;-)

Happy Birthday Ginger

My little Ginger's birthday today. I dressed her in an outfit full of red cherries today. She looked absolutely precious. She just smiled her 8 toothed smile and lays her little head on my shoulder. She is the absolute sweetest (next to my Madeline of course).

Had pre-op today for the port placement surgery tomorrow. Went fine - thought it was ironic that my surgeon (who is AWESOME by the way) said as he entered the examining room that he had already heard my whole story (hadn't seen him since the original biopsy) as his wife had received a prayer request about me via email. What an incredibly small world - but more than likely, there are thousands, literally thousands of people praying for me. I am humbled. He was very positive to me and explained the procedure and we were out of there. I need to be at the hospital tomorrow am at 8:30 and surgery is scheduled for 10:30.

It occurred to me today that this is the first step to really stepping into the fight against this disease. This is the first step to Dina's body starting to change. By adding this device to me, I am changing. I will so miss this Dina, I really grew to like her very much. There were many, many years throughout my life where I wasn't really a big fan of myself, but within the last 10 years, I really learned to love me. This will aid in my fight, I understand this, but I'll just miss me as this way. Then, once this port is put in, then my hair goes. On my terms, I know this as well - but I'll miss it. Again - the level of self discovery is so incredibly high through this process, and utter rediscovering of who you are as a person and what you are capable of. I feel shallow when I start to say I'll miss my long hair - but I can't help it sometimes. I know - I am still me - the packaging is just changing a bit - and everyone re-does their packaging every once in awhile right? Just gotta stay away from the 'New Coke' approach. In any case, I'm a bit nervous about these changes, and ask for the strength to handle them with dignity, humor and determination. The fight really begins tomorrow morning as I commit to combating this disease. There is no looking back.

I continue to be in awe of this out pour of support, love and gifts. A very talented local photographer called me today asking if she could take some pictures of us ( PJ, the girls and myself) free of charge so we could have some recent family photos. I was in tears - for 2 reasons really - 1) incredibly humbled by her generosity and 2) so sad that this would be the last time we would look like this. We had them taken this evening out in our back yard, all of us playing out on the grass - laughing and then I had some sad moments as I watched my husband and girls playing together. It made me feel like the 'sick outsider' at times. Honestly - I know this is the fear entering my mind again, and I continually have to fight this fear, but boy - it is harsh sometimes. I love my family so much - I knew once I gave birth to Madeline, that I was put on this earth to be a wife to PJ and mother to my children. As corny as it sounds, I discovered the meaning of life, and MY life at the very moment they put Madeline in my arms. This is my life purpose. So I will fight to keep this purpose. Fear just creeps in at times and grabs hold of my throat - like I can't even breathe.

What is completely ironic is I was just saying recently I wanted to have a photo of my girls w/ me to take to chemo treatments w/ me so I can focus on them while having treatment. Thank you for allowing this picture to be recent, and absolutely beautiful. Thank you Kelly. You have fulfilled something for me that I never could have done myself. These pics will be the first ones I post - and they will strengthen my fight.

Tired now, doing laundry, watching my husband asleep on the couch with Ginger right now. Both open mouth breathers - so cute. I have to close these blogs each evening with just a huge thank you. Thank you all for reading, thank you all for your prayers and passing on the request for others to pray, thank you for all your beautiful comments and honesty with me. You are all keeping me going - I am ever grateful. Till tomorrow - asta

I've Got chills - they're multipying.......

This is a result of the calcium medication they gave me yesterday. I have had a couple spells of low grade fever and chills today, but nothing a snuggle on the couch with Ginger doesn't cure ;-).

My dark place resurfaced again this morning, not as heavy as yesterday, but boy, does this fear thing come knocking when I wake in the am. I tried to go about my morning as normal, then just had to ask PJ to handle the girls for a moment while I went into the bedroom for a spell. I knelt and prayed for strength and for the Lord to fill me with his grace and power and begin to heal me - I will be healed. This helped. I wasn't feeling real great this morning, so I elected to stay in w/ my girls and get all these tests booked so I can get my chemo starting quickly. Little did I know that PJ would completely take over all of this for me - which actually, is awesome. So here's the schedule:

Tomorrow I go for my pre-op appt in Prescott to have my port put in, which is scheduled for Friday morning outpatient surgery at YRMC; Saturday I get my hair whacked off; Sunday we go to church then Costco for pizza cuz that makes me happy and especially makes Madeline happy; Monday we go to Cottonwood for me to have a CT scan, bone scan and MRI; Tuesday we go back to Cottonwood for an echo cardiogram and EKG. Then all these tests go to my oncologist and we set up my first chemo treatment. This most likely will happen the following week. I'm thinking PJ and I are due a date that weekend before my first chemo appt. We want to go to dinner and a movie - see the new Xmen movie - I know, not very romantic, but I'm not a big fan of the romantic movies, and hello - Hugh Jackman!

The out pour of prayer, help, love - is so overwhelming to me. It is so hard for me to accept help from people, because I am the type of person who is the one who helps everyone. This is so hard for me. My friend Jennifer came over this evening with dinner for us, and hung out with us while PJ went to see a client. It was so nice to have company, and for Madeline to have company, but I couldn't shake this overwhelming guilt for keeping her away from her own routine, her husband, her family time. I know I need to be at peace with this, to let people help me, but it is so hard for me. PJ and I discovered in a discussion we had this morning that we are always so concerned with overburdening everyone - we are both like this. I'm sure once the treatments start, it is going to be painfully clear we must accept help from others, we will need it. If I feel this way just after this calcium treatment, I certainly want to be prepared for what is coming with actual chemo. Although, even though I am getting chemo each week, the dose is not going to be huge - the nurse told me this. It will be a smaller dose, just on a more regular basis. Plus, they are going to prep me with so many other drugs to try to counter act the side effects, I'm hoping to just be tired. I am praying for this.

For some of you reading my blog, perhaps it is coming across a little 'preachy' and/or 'religious' - coming from me. I feel the need to explain this a little bit, because I have returned to my faith which I had been derailed from for some time, but still do not ever want to come across preachy. I still believe everyone has the right to believe whatever they wish to believe, and I am proud of the fact to be close with people of many faiths, and some no faith at all. I learn something from everyone and discount nothing. My spiritual journey has been something I've been investigating for the last 2 years and - prior to being diagnosed with cancer, had made some pretty powerful decisions in my life about where I was spiritually and what kind of life I wanted to lead for myself and as an example to my children. I am so blessed this journey and instilled belief system all happened BEFORE this diagnosis, and it is not a coincidence. There are way too many moments in my life to chalk up to coincidence, God is clearly present in my life, and that is who I pray to. So - that is all I have to say about that.

(awkward pause)

It is Ginger's actual birthday tomorrow. Bittersweet. I can't believe it was a year ago tomorrow I was in the hospital giving birth to her, to now be having a pre-op appointment on her 1st birthday to have a port installed for my chemotherapy. I have to say, this is NOT what I had pictured for this day. We did, however, have a lovely weekend this past weekend of family and friends in our home and kids galore running in the backyard. Ginger's baptism was simply beautiful, and her party afterwards was so much fun. We are so blessed to have our family and friends around us. Ginger was hysterical w/ her birthday cake. As soon as I get some pic of this done I will post them. Absolutely precious.

Tired now, must sleep. I'll be in touch tomorrow with the latest update, and much love to all.

dina