Menopause Mush Brain

So this weekend was good. Friday was a bit crazy as I whisked my girls to school, the Y, doctors appts, lunch, down to Phx to visit my mom cuz I really missed her, then back up here for me to prepare dinner for us and our neighbor, Terry. I think we're going to just have him here every Fri night, it is nice. Clearly, I have my energy back, and it feels really good just to be able to do all of these things - really frickin awesome. The exercising is really helping my energy level too.

We went to a panel of kindergarten teachers on Sat morning, and that was interesting as we try to choose the right school for Madeline, who starts in the fall. I can't believe she's going to big kid school. I'm having excitement for her, and sadness for me about this. I just want her to stay small.

PJ and I have had moments of just plain miscommunication, or non-communication lately and that is just sooooo not like us. I can only chalk this up to me, my brain, and how it sometimes doesn't function the way I think it is, or should. I feel like how I want to communicate in my head, doesn't come close to what comes out of my mouth - then that obviously causes frustration for me, and loads of frustration for my husband. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe not - I just know that I'm deeply frustrated with these moments we've been having lately. All I know to do is go and pray about them. My fear seems to get the better of me in situations like this, so I usually need to talk myself down. I'm really good at talking to myself, I've done it all my life, and have found that simply vocalizing your thoughts or frustrations or worries - even just out loud to yourself - actually brings you the solutions. There's a huge difference between thinking things through and talking things through. Even to yourself. Long story short, I talked myself through one of these moments this weekend, in the bathroom - cried it out too. I think I had a week worth of tears built up actually, this was just a good excuse to let it out. What would we do if we couldn't cry??? It is so healing - so cleansing. I'm really good at it now too. I thought I was emotional before, now, let's put on cancer, chemo, early menopausal, no ovaries, no boobs - are we done yet??? Jeesh. I can cry on command now - I should get back to the stage. ;-)

Sat night we went out to dinner with the pastors of our church and had the BEST time. They are so frickin cool, I just can't explain it. We laughed like we haven't in a long time, and dinner was simply lovely. A little more pricey than we expected, but well worth it. We needed that in so many ways. It was lovely. We are so blessed.

Because we splurged a bit off our diet plan last night, I was off to the gym after church today to try to work some of that off - we'll see. I have a pretty busy week this week - class, Sedona on Wed for my calcium treatment, MOPS, I made an appointment finally with a bowenworks therapist to help me with my sciatic as well as my underarm on the right side - I still have no feeling whatsoever under my right arm. I was totally creeped out by it at first, now I think I'm just used to it. Try shaving somewhere you can't feel - VERY CREEPY!! Hopefully she will be able to help me with this. Then parent/teacher conference and girls night out. How awesome is it to have a full schedule??? There was a time where I would look at a week like this and sigh this 'put off' sigh - like I was upset there was so much to do - now, I am so excited just to be able to do all of these things - such a 180 - God is so good.

God Bless -

Who knew what banning TV for a day could accomplish!!!

So Madeline made a bad choice last night by telling her sister to 'shut up', something we don't say in our house. So her punishment was no TV today (thank you Dr. Phil). We initially forgot this morning, and once we remembered she had a mini meltdown, but she did pretty well with it the rest of the day. With no TV, breakfast was eaten in its entirety, lunch was as well, the girls sat together and read a book together, they danced - and naps were taken by BOTH girls. I actually feel a bit guilty. I'm obviously using this as a babysitter way more than I should be. In any case, it was enlightening today, and pretty frickin cool.

Diet is going well, and my chest is continually healing. It looks really great (great meaning healing wise, you know what I mean) I get these sensations from time to time - it must be the nerves rewiring and whatnot. Strange tingly feelings, then like it is cold but its not, hard to explain. I actually had a moment the other day when I went to sit down on the couch and actually anticipated the feel of my non-existent breast on the inside of my arm. That was weird. I'm careful with my exercising of my arms as my sides are still a bit sensitive. Otherwise, the exercising is feeling so great - it is so nice to have this back in our lives again in a way that doesn't disrupt everything else. It took us forever to figure out how we were going to do this, and I think we finally did it.

I visited my good friend today who is also a breast cancer survivor and I asked her how long it was going to be until I stopped identifying myself with this disease - till it stopped being so close to the surface for me. She gently reminded me that this experience is still ongoing for me - that until I'm done with surgeries, and let that all settle in, it will be this close to me. I'm still 'going through it'. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but she's right. I guess I figured that everyone and everything has started 'going back to normal', and yes, treatment is done, cancer is gone - but I'm now smack in the middle of dealing with this physically, and learning to adapt to the actual physical changes this experience has left me with. A constant reminder of this journey, every single moment. Duh! No wonder it's always on the tip of my emotions. Always. I need to thank Lara for this, because first of all, she has such a gentle way about her, she instantly puts me at ease. Also, for validating my feelings in a way probably nobody else could. She's walked this walk, and because of that, she has such insight. What a blessing she is to me. Thanks.

So there I am, all huddled in the corner of the women's locker room like some high school freshman, trying to change my shirt so no one will see my mastectomy scars. Instead of doing this stupid dance, I think I'll just show up in what I'm going to work out in, then change afterwards. This is so silly. I guess I wouldn't have know this until I got started. I'm such a dork.

Madeline is fixated on my 'boobies in a box'. She actually said 'I don't want to feel your real boobies mom, I want to feel your boobies in a box'. I thought, 'Me too Madeline'. If we aren't running late I usually let her - I can only imagine what comes out of her mouth at school. Thank God I let her teacher know on the first day of school what I was going through just in case anything came out from her that may have seemed odd. That is no excuse however of how she explained to me that she doesn't want to sing the songs in Chapel, she would rather sing Lady Gaga in the car with me. Hmmmm. Can't really blame her for that now, can I? Just pray she doesn't break out in those tunes during chapel.

We have a full weekend planned - includes going to a kindergarten seminar to check out the schools up here - we need to make our decision here in the next month or so - I can't believe Madeline will be going to kindergarten. Wow. I really miss NY sometimes - not knocking the schools up here, just wish they had a little more culture, and a lot more color. ;-)

God Bless -

Finally - enough eyelashes to get one in my eye!!

It's pretty exciting to finally have enough eyelashes to find one irritatingly in my eye. I did a small happy dance this morning. My eyebrows came in fine, but not as thick as they were and they seem to take a long time to grown once I tweeze them. Not complaining here, just an observation of how different my new ones are.

Didn't post last night as the laptop was being used by PJ and my computer is in the spare bedroom and Madeline was sleeping in there. We've had some real sleeping issues with her lately - NOT sleeping issues. It's been frustrating, but I'm trying a couple changes to see if it will help.

Had WOW today, and it was really great. As I have mentioned the first hour is a series by Robyn Kaufman called 'Fearless Living' and it has really resonated with me. In some recent reflection I have done, I wonder if I will ever be able to distance myself from my breast cancer journey - it always seems to be just at the tips of my fingers all the time. I'm sure people are tired of me referring to it, and to be honest, I don't want to identify myself with it for the rest of my life, but maybe that is wishful thinking. Someone recently mentioned to me that they didn't know be before I had cancer, and that instantly made me sad. I'm not really sure why, I just was bummed that that was how I was being identified, by anybody really - I mean, I was just Dina before, not Dina the Cancer Patient. Will I always be that now?

So, in Fearless Living, and in any of my spiritual classes really, I'm finding that I'm feeling very alone in my personal relationship with God. I feel that my experience with breast cancer paved this road to Him that I never could have imagined before. I don't mean to sound pompous or anything, but I have such a deep and complete understanding of what this relationship is supposed to be like, it is difficult for me to listen to others search to understand. Not very Christ like, right? Tell me - I get very annoyed at people - but then I realize that they haven't walked my walk - so I can't expect them to completely understand, then I just get pissed off. Again, do people really have to be faced with death - literally - to get this?

I've had people say to me recently things like "oh, her cancer wasn't as bad as yours" or "my dad had cancer and it metastasized and he died" or "I remember how beautiful and long your hair was". What the fuck is wrong with people? Before I knew I had cancer, I knew enough to know that if I didn't know much about something -don't say anything at all. I'd certainly know enough to know that if I was having a conversation with someone with a life threatening illness, death, on any sort of level, is probably NOT an appropriate conversation topic! I'm obviously having to vent here today, this has actually been building for awhile now. Maybe it's the fruit and veggies talking here - kind of a 'truth serum' if you will. Damn seedless grapes!!!

I'm reminded now of something that Robyn said this morning, that I felt enough about to write down, because it's something I have to remember constantly. Here it is:

"We are all called to climb our own mountain unique to us. But we don't have to carry our own pack."

Isn't that the truth. My mountain, for 2009 anyway, was breast cancer. Someone else's could have been unemployment, or a parent being sick, or dying, or trying to have a baby, etc. The list goes on and on - it's all relative. I can't expect anyone to understand, completely, my mountain any more than I could completely understand theirs. We all just have to remember that we are not alone. Ever. We have to love and lean on each other, and turn it all over to God. (for me it's God, for others it could be something else).

Off to bed w/ me - the diet is going well. It's really hard though to fix the girls macaroni and cheese and not taste it. I don't even lick my fingers - am I good or what? Had an egg white omelet for dinner and thought I was gonna ralph. PJ makes them so much better than I do - he's totally cooking tomorrow night.

God Bless -

Where do I put my boobs while I work out?

So - Ginger and I joined the Y today and we're both very excited. Although, her membership card has the wrong name on it I noticed (she's 20 months, what is the point of her having a card in the first place?) we'll fix that tomorrow. I'm looking forward to utilizing my mornings in this manner - and really excited to have the energy to do so. This is going to make a world of difference for all of us, thank you God. I am having a dilemma trying to decide where to store my boobs while I work out - I mean, I'm not wearing them to exercise in - they could get all sweaty and smelly and it's not like they're really attached to anything, they are just held in by the bra, so one could easily shift, or fall out even. And if that happened, I would venture to guess I would be one of the only people laughing. So, I think I'll keep the surgical bra in my locker, then put that one on when I'm done. I'm going to have to wear like a sweatshirt or something though, I would feel too self conscious in just a t-shirt. Ug. As if we women needed anything else to try to organize for our gym time - arg.

Fat Smash is going well today, so far so good. It's funny, you can really see where your bad eating habits are by not allowing any type of snacks or anything, at least I have noticed this today. I am totally a stress eater - I found myself wanting to go straight for the cookie jar when Ginger was having a mini meltdown this afternoon.
No, I didn't take one - I smelled one though. It smelled very yummy. Then I had a banana. Yay Me!

Madeline has been having a real hard time sleeping through the night lately - which in turn has caused me sleepless nights as well. So I'm going to sign off early here to try to get some sleep. I think although she loves these cartoons with ghosts and stuff in them, I think she's getting scared - but just won't admit it. So I told her we were putting any scary monster, alien or Scooby Doo movie and giving them all a break for awhile. She handled it fine, and so I told PJ what the deal was for tonight as I had class tonight - I come home and ask how the whole movie thing went and he said 'fine'. I asked what movie he let them watch for bed, and he said 'The Wizard of Oz'. Hello? Witch? Flying monkeys? I still get a bit freaked out by that scene. Well, they're sleeping now. We'll see. I should just put Charlotte's Web on a loop.

I'll let you know what I come up with for boob storage tomorrow. Who knew this would be such an issue.

God Bless -

Please, no more snow days.

I love the snow. I'm one of those crazy people who really, really love the snow and cold weather. I think it's absolutely beautiful. I'd much rather be in a huge warm sweater than sweating in a tank top. Of course, you haven't seen me in a tank top, but I have - and trust me, you'd pick the warm sweater as well. So yes, I was doing the internal happy dance when school was cancelled for Thurs and Fri due to weather conditions. We had a great time, we made pizzas and sock puppets, cuddled on mom's bed in the morning and watched Scooby Doo - it was awesome. However, Madeline has this energy, this energy that I can only assume she lets out in school - or outside - somewhere. It has been let loose in my home, and it is out of control. She is a crazy child, and she needs to go back to school. I love her dearly, but please, God, let there be school tomorrow.

I think the weather ended up getting me a little depressed by Friday evening. We had my neighbor Terry over for dinner, which was nice - a bit awkward, but nice. I think we'll start having him over every Fri night, start a little routine if you will. But I found myself kind of down, extra tired, depressed. Once we were out on Sat morning (I think we all were a little stir crazy since we were all so excited to go drop off Charley's stool sample at the vet - ya think?) I felt much better. I felt physically better, mentally better - it all just came back together.

My chest is really healing nicely - and I'm now more accustomed to sleeping without any sort of bra on. It still feels pretty strange, but the surgical bra is wicked itchy to wear 24/7 and the other bra that hold the prosthesis is super tight - it's nice to finally have a break. My pajamas look strange with no boobs though - feel strange too. I feel skinny with no boobs, if that's any trade off. And, it's still painful on the sides - where the breast tissue used to be and my muscle meet. It's still sore there when I try to sleep on my side - more so on the right side than the left, which makes sense since the lymph nodes were removed from that side - more intrusion I suppose. Is it bad I wish I could take percocet every night before I sleep? It just seems to let me sleep more comfortably. Maybe it's all psycho somatic, eh? OH - I walked in on PJ watching some Spartacus movie last night and there was this steamy sex scene - and the woman had the most beautiful breasts. I found myself instantly jealous. If anything, I'm really glad to feel this because I know how important the reconstruction really is to me. I seriously was doubting this - but not anymore. Not that this one moment sealed the deal - like I said "that's it! PJ is not going to watch any other naked women without having my reconstructed breasts to compare it to!!!" It wasn't like that - I've been having these feelings for awhile now. Lately, I just really miss not having anything there. Really miss it. On so many levels. I didn't expect to feel this way. After the infection I was about ready to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but I'm actually looking forward to my new boobs, whatever they are going to look like.

Joining the Y tomorrow, so we can pay 2 gym memberships - oh joy. Problem is, I'm in town in the mornings with nothing to do so it makes sense for me to workout then, then have PJ work out at the gym here where we live. We're starting the Fat Smash diet tomorrow (not really a diet, just 2 months of regimented food adjustment) and I'm excited actually. I did a self inventory of my weight life and realized that I needed to get this extra stuff off. This is only aiding in how unattractive I'm feeling, and this, I can do something about. God knows I can't make my hair grow any faster. Plus, I want to be at a more ideal weight when I am getting my fills so I can really see the 'goods'. Ya know? I'm praying for patience, and that I won't completely flip out not being able to have any diet coke for 9 days in a row. Hmmmm.

Off to bed with me now - ready to start this week with a PMA as my dad calls it. (Positive Mental Attitude) Just really hoping my tit doesn't fall out when I'm on the elliptical or something - that would send some people home with some REAL dinner conversation, eh?

God Bless -

Pardon me, my tit just fell out.

Luckily this happened when I was napping on the couch with Madeline today, and she didn't really notice or care for that matter. I laughed though. I looked down and there it was, rolling right out of the top of my shirt. Hmm.

So I found myself obsessed this afternoon with trying to google more information about this, ironically called, 'Survivor' contestant who died of breast cancer today, she was 37. All the media said was she was stage 3 - but what kind??? I needed to know what kind of breast cancer she had - why didn't anyone seem to think that was just as important to mention????? Then I started thinking, why do you need to know this Dina, is it so you can breath a sigh of relief when you find out it wasn't the same kind you have? That's pretty fucking selfish, isn't it? Needless to say it has stirred up all sorts of things inside me today. It has raised my fear level to Orange. Good thing our first hour of WOW is all about dealing with fear. Thank you Robyn Kauffman. I will be re-reading all that information this week. It's so hard not to be afraid sometimes. Other people can reassure me, can be almost flippant with me, like I'm so silly to think that I haven't beat this thing, but until you walk in my shoes, you can never really know what it feels like. The only one I can really go to, in all my raw honesty, is God. It's so hard to let go of it sometimes. So hard.

If you haven't noted the time yet, you'll see that I did my late night grocery shopping tonight. It was lovely. Not that I don't love my children, but when you are able to go grocery shopping without them, it is amazing how you don't forget anything! I actually got everything on my list. And it's funny, my drive time alone lately has been in complete silence. Not that I don't love my Lady Gaga, I do, dearly, but I've found myself just driving in silence. I feel like my brain is on overload lately. It's like, I'm supposed to fit back into this normal world after not only going through something like cancer, but taking a spiritual journey that has lead to the most peaceful, present place. Frustrating thing is, not everyone resides in this peaceful, present place - and I am finding these people really annoying. I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has come back full force - when I was in therapy years ago and figured out all these reasons for my destructive behavior - it was great because I really did some awesome self improvement, bad part was, I was then able to recognize how fucked up all my friends were. Now, here I am with this new found knowledge, amazing experience, and I'm walking amongst people who complain about how inconvenient the location of a soup kitchen is. I need patience. More patience.

My connection with Ginger is getting strong again, and I am so reassured by this. It is amazing to think of how just a closer physical contact can make a world of difference with how you relate to a child. She and I are like 2 peas in a pod lately, and I love it. To hold her close again, it is the best feeling in the world. Madeline is becoming quite the card player, she keeps kickin my butt at Go Fish. It's pretty awesome to be able to have big kid discussions with her. They are growing up so fast.

Well, off to bed. It' is very late. I hope I didn't come across all crotchety and bitchy tonight, that wasn't my intention. It's just been a day of a thousand thoughts and emotions for me, I tend to have these from time to time now. Probably more of my brain catching up with my reality most likely. Just need to keep it all in perspective. Ginger actually said 'I Love You' in her little 20 month old voice for the first time today, that's about all the perspective I need.

God Bless -

I Miss Me Sometimes

So first of all, I must say how gratifying it was today to have the energy to do all the normal mom stuff today and this evening actually. PJ had to work late (and is still working actually) so I had to do it all today, and I am so satisfied to have been able to finally do it. I wasn't in pain, I didn't have to stoop to pick anyone up, I didn't get so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open around 4 o'clock. I almost felt back to normal today. It's funny, I find myself so 'aware' now. Of just about everything. I can consciously change my attitude in a matter of seconds. When I start getting annoyed at something stupid (although it doesn't seem stupid at the time) I remind myself at how lucky I am to be here, to be able to be annoyed at something stupid instead of annoyed at a nosebleed, or my chronic constipation, or my bald head - these things continue to be at the forefront of my brain, and sometimes I wonder how long they will be there. Forever? I don't mind it really, it reminds me to be constantly 'present' in each moment, a gift actually. I went to go and sit with my girls this evening after cleaning the kitchen after dinner and watch Scooby Doo 2 - found them hugging each other on the couch during a 'spooky' part. I just stood there watching them, suddenly taken aback at the fact that I have 2 little girls! Two precious, awesome, beautiful, full of piss and vinegar little girls! I'm their mom - wow. So frickin awesome. Again, present.

PJ showed me this YouTube video of Madeline and I that was posted back in 2007 when we went to Cape Cod over the summer. It was so sweet, but bittersweet at the same time. Again, I look at myself, and I miss being that person. I miss the way I looked, I miss the way I felt at that time - and maybe this is part of me just not feeling 'attractive' at all right now. I know this sounds petty, but when I was fighting and going through treatment or healing from surgery, I really could have given a shit less about what I looked like. I figured I'd get back to caring about that when I was feeling better. Well, here I am, feeling better, and I just feel like this titless, butch hair, overweight, middle aged woman. No, I'm not having a pity party - trust me, you'll know when I am. I'm just frustrated is all. I am once again at that frustrating place of not looking the way I feel. Funny how the same feeling through this process comes up in totally separate scenarios. I suppose this too is a process, I'll be eager to see how this one ends up. I can control some of it, the other I think I'll just have to work out in prayer.

It's late, and I think I'm going to go and relax with my dogs for a bit and do a mindless word search. I suddenly have the urge to do these puzzles - just to busy my mind with something other than serious shit. I feel like I've had a lot of serious shit in my head lately - nothing a good word search can't cure, I hope.

It's supposed to rain all week here - snow for the weekend. I love the rain. Correction, I love to sit and look at the rain, not so much be out with a toddler in the rain. But it's nice weather to cozy in and have some tea. I'm so blessed to have tea because I want to, not because I'm trying to alleviate some side effect. Present. Thank God.

God Bless -