Areola Mug Shot Book

Well the above indeed does not exist - as much as I wanted it to. You should have seen the face of the woman who does the tattooing for Dr. Mo's breast cancer patients when I asked her if she had one for me to flip through - looking for stars, cowboy hats, something original. Had to tell her that yes, I was kidding. Oy. But they are looking great - had my second tattooing done on Tues and all is going well. May need to do one more as the ink tends to not take as well on scar tissue (who knew?) so we will see. It's really up to me - so we'll see how these heal up and what the final look turns out to be. I've lost - drum roll please - 13 pounds so far and am feeling really really great. Wish I could exercise more, but trying to balance that with time at home and with my kids - and like most moms of little ones, just trying to balance everything. I just wish there were a couple more hours in the day. My sister came to visit my mom and then spent a couple days up here with me and it was really nice. Much like my two little girls, my sister and I are polar opposites of each other, and I hadn't seen her since Ginger was born - so this visit was almost like experiencing something that was familiar but as a totally different person. Not that it is about me, but her coming here and being at my moms place with her gave me an internal sigh of relief - like I didn't have to carry around that worry for my mom for a couple days - which made me realize that I was actually doing this. I didn't realize how much worry I was carrying around with me. I'm not sure what happened during my spring break - maybe it was experiencing the difference between my sister and myself on this new level, but I have obtained such a huge sense of peace for my mom, and have been able to let go of my need to feel responsible for what she is going through. I don't know if I can explain this correctly - but I am the kind of person who literally feels what others feel the moment they walk into a room. This as I've mentioned before, is something I really like about myself. However, what I have realized is 'feeling' sometimes turns into 'owning' and that, is not healthy. Now, my sister on the other end, is not like this at all. She is completely separate from others, doesn't engage at all - whether this is a conscious choice, a defense mechanism, just the way she is wired - not sure. In any case, I realized that I need to find a happy medium, at least where my mom is concerned. Or at least, I can 'feel' to empathize and feel compassion for, however, these 'feelings' are not mine to own and manage. The one who owns them are responsible for owning and managing them. What a concept, eh? It makes sense I would fall into this trap, I mean, when you feel like shit, you want to fix it, right? In any case, this was a huge realization for me - and I feel like I have opened yet another door to a greater understanding of who God created me to be - never ending adventure. Ginger has been handling her meds ok - I need to get her up to 2ml in the am and 2ml in the evening - so far I'm at 1 and 2 - so we're almost there. I am taking her in to see her neurologist on Mon afternoon - I want him to see her again and talk to him face to face about this. The second opinion I'm getting is scheduled for May. I thought I was hovering before, but wow, am I hovering now. I looked at PJ earlier this week and said 'am I one of those people? those people who just seem to invite bad shit into their lives?' I know you know who I'm talking about - the people who unfortunately just need drama to have something to talk about, to bitch about and it just seems to always get worse and worse and worse - am I one of those people? I really thought I was a positive, glass is half full kind of person. But then I look at the pile being put on my life plate and I feel the need to review what the hell I'm doing - ya know? My loving husband gave me the roll of the eyes and the annoyed tone while he answered 'no dina, you're not one of those people'. Which I appreciate - but still. Had my appt at CTCA yesterday and all went well. I'm handling the current meds just fine, and he gave me a 4 week leash then we'll do another scan. So that CT scan will happen on 4.29 and we'll see how the current meds are working. I read an article about how cancer makes you feel like you have lost control - and a way to get that feeling back is to realize that while we can't always control the information coming at us, we can control the way we react to it. I'm sure this has been said to me before, but I heard it differently this time. I mean, the emotional roller coaster of this disease for me is crazy, to think I can regain some of my control back is attractive to me. It will take some focus and intentionality from me - but wouldn't it from everyone? I mean, not only about cancer - but just life in general? I think this is another reason why God gave us free will - shitty things are going to happen, they have to, but we get to decide if we're going to bitch and moan, or look at it and say - what am I suppose to see here? What am I suppose to learn? Sucks sometimes, and I think we need that time to say so, but then we must take the next step. Well, I must. OH - and in the same article, a cancer survivor was talking about how she didn't want cancer to define her. Now, I've talked about this before, but something she said made it a little more tangible to me - she said that when people asked her about herself, cancer was like, 4th on the list. So I thought about this for myself - and thought about what I would say if someone came up to me and said 'tell me about yourself'. Cancer wasn't even in my answer. As much as this is teaching me, I'm not letting it define me to others. Pretty cool. God Bless -

Clarity Comes in the Shower

I'm not sure why but this is so true for me. Maybe it's because God knows that this is the only time I am ever truly alone - well - when Ginger doesn't realize I'm showering because lately if she does, she is in the shower with me - but usually, this is where I am really able to hear God speak to me - as corny as that sounds. In the shower.

So my week this week was one of those chaotic mom weeks - which - I secretly love. I think if I didn't have cancer I would be complaining about having to be so many places and be stressed and blah blah blah - bitch bitch bitch - but I suppose the moment I start to feel 'stressed' by being a busy mom of two - I am very quickly reminded of how blessed I am to even be a busy mother of two - and it immediately calms my soul. Doesn't take away the tired and natural stress, but it certainly is my new 'perspective of living, and I am so grateful to have this perspective. It thrusts me into each moment of my life so fully - it is amazing.

Ginger had yet another seizure yesterday - and that has thrown me for a loop. This one was much longer and much different than the others before, and for those who don't know - the last one she had in Phx just a couple weeks ago resulted in a phone call from her neurologist to me who simply called in a medication called Depacote - which after reading up on I decided NOT to give her and pursue another opinion. I assumed that since her seizures were coming 2 months apart I had time to get this done, but obviously, I was wrong. This seizure again included her vomiting, thankfully she did not aspirate this time, but this one appeared much more 'epileptic' in nature - although she has never been diagnosed with this. I called 911 because it was lasting about 5 minutes - which seemed like an eternity. When the fire dept arrived she was just coming out of it - and after describing it to them, the pretty much asked me 'do you want to ride with us in the ambulance or will you meet us at the hospital?" We spent 5 hours in the hospital and of course, all tests came back normal. They did speak to her neurologist and administered her first dose of anti-seizure medication there at the hospital. They said that even if we didn't want THIS medication, to give it for now until I meet w/ her docs to discuss which med is appropriate. The med they prescribed is Keppra - and when the emergency room doc came in and said to me "I just got off the phone with the 'on call' doc for your neurologist office and he recommended Keppra instead of Depacote" I had the overwhelming feeling that this was exactly the reason we were where we were - to get this different medication. I have very mixed emotions about this - and I have been 'reliving' this seizure for the past 24 hours - it was just me at home with Ginger, Madeline, and a little friend of Madeline's who had come over to spend the night. I know Gods hand was on Ginger and I - it is not by coincidence that I just happen to always be with her when these happen - she has had 7 of these now - and I've been right there for each one of them. When I was on the phone with the 911 operator I had to lay her down on the floor on her side and I laid on my side right in front of her and just kept talking to her. She was fixated on looking up, eyes dilated, and she was trying to form the word 'mom' and she grabbed the back of my neck and just began pulling me into her over and over and over. It was so scary.

So back to my shower clarity - I'm showering last night after we were home, settled and had everyone in bed and I realized that I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I've been obsessed with the 'why'. And from what I've read, we may never know why. Ever. I think I have been subconsciously thinking someone would tell me that it was food, or stimulation, or something that I could fix then they would stop. I need to just embrace what is happening, which is the fact that my Ginger has seizures, and learn about them and treat them. I'm starting to change my way of thinking, and reading a fabulous book called 'Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood - A Guide' which is simply amazing. I am starting to feel so empowered. A new direction for me to embrace this situation. Deep breath.

I'd be lying if this hadn't made me more adamant about getting better myself. These precious children need their mommy - and my little Ginger needs her mommy to beat this frickin cancer and take care of her. God and I have had some heated discussions about how he chose me, me to be their mommy - and not that anyone else doesn't deserve to raise their own children, but that I feel so deeply, so incredibly deeply, that I need to be here to help my children through this life. Ginger needs her mommy - and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

So far so good on the meds. She takes a dose in the morning, and another in the evening. Since I do the same, I tell Ginger and she gets to take her medicine with mommy - so that seems to be going fine. I haven't seen any major side effects so far from Ginger. I am praying that this is the answer. I think I will continue to seek another opinion - even though I can't get into see him until May - and maybe someone local. Trying to tune into that gut feeling, which is so clouded by confusion and fear right now - just trying to work through that and be still.

My sister arrives this evening from MA and my mother is so thrilled for her to arrive. She'll stay with my mom for a couple days then I will go down and get her and bring her up here. I haven't seen her since Ginger was born, so I am so looking forward to just spending time with her. And it is so great for my mom to spend time w/ her too - I know she has missed her so much. My mom and Brit used to travel to Cape every summer but obviously have not been able to do that for the last couple of years.

I continue to pray for the reminder that I cannot control these things. That the decisions I make, if tuned into the Lord, are the things He uses to bring me closer to Him, but when we are so afraid, we often do not hear this and are driven by our own need for 'answers'. He reminded me recently of when I was originally diagnosed, and how long I was obsessed with the 'why'. That was just a huge waste of time - I had to focus on getting better. So now, with my little Ginger, I need to let go of the 'why' and focus on getting her better. Might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use.

God Bless -

Real Life Prayer Chain

My recent appt at CTCA went fine actually - my blood counts were normal, of course, I've lost 9 lbs which everyone is thrilled about, including me - isn't it ironic that the normal emaciated side effect of cancer and going through therapy is quite the opposite with breast cancer - breast cancer treatment actually makes you gain weight - something I found challenging before cancer anyway - but I am finally feeling like I am taking control of this part of my physical self. I am exercising and eating better and making better choices and it is making a HUGE difference in how I feel. I feel really great. My onc doesn't want to talk scans till the end of the month - he wants to give this medication combination a chance to work, at least 8 weeks. So I feel like I have this regime under control - the chemo pills are fine and the aromatase inhibitor is fine - I'm really handling these drugs very well. The side effects of both of these drugs I felt when I was on them before are no where to be seen - at least for now - so I feel like I've been given this longer leash and that feels pretty good. I enjoy these 'between scans' times rather than loathe them - I figure I've got this awesome stretch of time to enjoy my family, feel great, grow out my hair, and live each day - who knows what next month will bring, for any of us really, right?

My mom is doing better - and Ginger is be bopping along - you'd never know anything was ever wrong with her. I've been trying to get a second opinion scheduled for her but have yet to be successful in playing the telephone tag game. Frustrating.

So - without going into details cuz it's really just not worth it - we changed home churches about a month or so ago - it was a difficult heart wrenching decision for our family, but we needed to make this change. So, I'm sitting in service this past Sunday and after listening to the message, I go up to receive communion and then, without even being consciously aware I head to the prayer area, kneel in front of the cross and begin to pray for my mom and Ginger. I am quietly knelt there when I feel a hand on my shoulder, another on my back, then another on my arm. I then hear people praying over me - praying that God restore me to the original form in which He created me in my mothers womb - that this cancer was not of Him, and to restore me to my original form. I am brought to tears by this image, and suddenly I have this image enter into my mind of this chain of souls - a chain of souls reaching to heaven, all holding hands. This is what it is all about isn't it? I'm knelt praying for my child and mother, while others are behind me praying for me, while others are subconsciously behind them praying for them, and so on. I was filled with such peace, and the image of being 'restored to my original form' was extremely powerful for me to envision. It was an amazing experience.

So the tattooing went well - I was all ready to pick out my areola but it was much more uneventful than I had anticipated. She literally had a stencil - like the plastic ones we had in grade school - a stencil of circles that she just picked one out and drew a circle around each one then went ahead and got started. It did hurt on one side more than the other - but it didn't hurt where she was tattooing, it hurt in other areas of my breast, if that makes any sense. It was really strange. Took about an hour. They are totally healed now, but I go back in again in a couple weeks to have them done one more time as they tend to fade. So I'll get another 'coat' and some 'shading' at my next appt and then I think it is all done. I've been going to see Dr. Mosharaffa for almost 2 years now, I feel like i need to give him a plant or something. Wow. What will my calendar look like without a trip on it down to see him? Well, he's definitely going to make my Christmas card list, that's for sure. I'll post pics when they are all done and pretty. I have to admit, I really like them.

So I had mentioned in my last post the old saying 'God won't give you any more than you can handle' and how I think that is basically just a big crock of shit. Well, a good friend of mine had a comment on this that I feel the need to share here - because it really puts this stupid phrase in perspective, and allows me to start the movement to simply abolish this stupid saying right here and now. Patti - I am quoting you directly and I hope you don't mind cuz you are just frickin awesome - here goes:

"And as to that old favorite quote about not giving us more than we can handle, well that's just a crock. I don't know whose bright idea it was, but they obviously hadn't walked in your shoes. More to the point, I think, is that somehow we do manage what is handed to us, but sometimes it is very, very hard and it certainly takes its toll. That is a far cry from the cavalier idea of God just blithely handing out difficulties that we somehow manage to push through. Again, I just don't think that is the way God operates. I think that it is by God's grace that we manage, not by God's piling on to see how much we can take. Maybe it all comes down to semantics, but I think it bears looking at because, as you point out, so many people put so much store in that idea."

Brilliant. I'm so lucky that I get to chat and be around such awesomely smart people. What a gift - I wish I could share every one's

Off to bed with me now - trying to get more sleep but I always think I'm going to miss something if I go to bed early - why do I do that? Is Celebrity Rehab REALLY that important?

God Bless

Stop The World I Want To Get Off

So my last post was lengthy, and was quite awhile ago. I got my head screwed on straight after that last CTCA appt - and have been actually in a really good place mentally and spiritually about my treatment and such. I noticed that my medical staff wasn't 'freaked out' like I was, and we ended up chatting for quite some time about me, my treatment and what they felt would work. It made me realize that if they aren't freaking out, why should I be? But then almost immediately I realized - wait - why are you looking to THEM as your gage, you should be looking UP for that comfort, and that is available always, if I just look up. Drats. I keep forgetting to let Him - dang it. Trust. Trust. Trust.


So then my mom goes into the hospital this last week with a blood clot in her leg. She was in for 2 days and released late this past Thurs. I find this constant struggle of feeling the need to be by her side at all times, and be the mom and wife to my own family. I know we only live 80+ miles away, but this past week it has felt like an eternity away. Blessedly I have been able to help coordinate friends and family to assist with her care, but I wish it could be me all the time. I was able to spend all day Wed with her - and I sat there, watching her while she dozed on and off, I could feel her inner struggle. I sat there and could feel it as if it were my own - and I wanted so desperately to take it away from her. She is so frail, so weak - I can see in her eyes the doubt if she has the strength to do what is necessary to get better. I know this look - but I know this from a completely different perspective, and a perspective from about 32 years younger. My mom was always the one who held everyone together - the one who stepped in to raise her first special needs granddaughter when no one else would step up to the plate - the one who grabbed hold of the word 'independence' when she suddenly found herself divorced in the early 80's and ran a marathon with it - she was key in how I perceived myself as a woman, and independent, self-sufficient woman. She's tired - and I can't really blame her. I don't know how to be there for her - maybe I need to just ask her. She is getting a second opinion with another oncologist which is a blessing - the idiot doc she had paid no attention to her complaints that her leg was hurting when she was in - perhaps if he had just looked at her leg, she wouldn't have been in such dire straights this past week. Jerk.

So we are there in Phx with her on Sat along with my aunt and cousin who came in from CA to help (thank you Jesus) and Ginger has another seizure. This one was different, and she actually stopped breathing and started turning blue, so we called 911 this time. Is this supposed to be a sign that I'm not paying enough attention to my family? Because if it is - please lay off my kid!! This seizure was more drawn out - she is more developed now so she is now somewhat aware of what is going on and trying to communicate that to me - it was so frickin scary. I am holding her, she is throwing up, but in a 'passed out' kind of state - it's kind of flowing out of her mouth and nose - not projectory - then I hear PJ's voice say 'dina, she's turning blue you've got to get her to start breathing' and I did what you are sooooo not supposed to do - I turned her around and kind of sat her on my lap with my arm around her mid section and stuck my finger down her throat - I thought maybe she had vomit in her throat. I felt her react to this and I think this kind of shocked her into breathing again, because the color quickly came back to her face, but then she clamped down on the tip of my finger - seizing - and would not let up. I can't even explain this pain, but I totally get why we as women are so much better at tolerating this. I was sitting there thinking 'wow - this REALLY hurts - but she's breathing and I'll get my finger out of here eventually' and the pain just went away. We tried to pry her jaw open and that wasn't working, then I just spoke to her in a calm voice ' Gingy hun, let go of mommy's finger please, open your mouth' and she let up a bit. Then I just held her and the fire dept got there. She started coming around and was responding, slowly, but responding. They checked her temp, her blood sugar, her blood pressure, everything - normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. So frickin frustrating. When this one started we were on the floor in the bedroom getting ready to play a board game - she sat down on her knees to join the game then sat up and put her hand to her throat and looked at me. I thought she swallowed a game piece at first, asking her what was wrong and patting her on the back - then I watched her expression change to that of the familiar, seizure type of face. Where she just checks out - although this time she slowly transitioned to this, it wasn't as fast as it has been.

We didn't go to the hospital. We knew what would happen as we've done that before. They would have put her through a barrage of tests again only to tell us they found nothing and we just couldn't put any of us through all of that again. We just wanted to go home. So as we traveled up the hill back to Dewey that night, I sat in the back of the van holding her all the way home. The moon was full and bright - I could see it through the back window and the winter storm was at a calm point as we drove home. I held her - and just cried in the backseat - looking up to the sky cursing this God I love so much. Enough already - seriously. And if one more person tells me that 'God won't give you anymore than you can handle' I think I'll just kick them in the crotch. I am at a loss as to where my emotions are to be directed - I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions - like I don't know where I'm supposed to be focusing my attention. Like I need to be in 3 different places at once - and I just can't. And all 3 places are really important. Oh yea, and I'm dealing with these new chemo pills and I'm not feeling really great. Maybe it's because of everything else going on, maybe it's because I'm fighting this head and chest thing my family had for a week - maybe maybe maybe. I just feel like crying. I want to fix everything, and I can't. I just can't. I want my mom to be better. I want to figure out what is wrong with my Ginger. I want these pills I'm taking to kill the cancer inside of me. I want I want I want. I know that the Word says we will receive what we ask for if we just ask - however, we get things in His time - not ours. Perhaps I can find some comfort in that. But I need to keep moving forward. I can't tell you how much I just want to crawl into bed, pull the sheets over my head and sleep - for days. Actually, some people do this - I know, I cannot.

I was supposed to be in Phx today again to check on my mom and get a meal list to her to follow and take Madeline to a pediatric urologist to review her tests she had done a couple months ago - but today I woke up feeling sick. Great. So we all stay home today, and I head down to Phx tomorrow for my tattooing. Then Phx again on Fri for my CTCA appt - just labs and my calcium infusion. I can't believe how much I am driving. Gas prices are killing us - I'm adding to my list of prayers the price of gas to go down. Oy.

I hate to be all BLAH in this post - I am usually able to write myself into a better state of mind, but I'm finding this challenging today.

My hubby and I celebrated 6 years last weekend - the 12th. It was so cool - Madeline asked me if she could see pictures of us getting married and so I pulled out the pics and the video which PJ and I had never watched (shame on us) and after dinner we all gathered on mom and dads bed w/ popcorn in hand and watched our wedding video. It was pretty cool. For those who don't know, PJ and I got married in Vegas - at the Hilton on the Star Trek Experience ride. Yes, we were married on the USS Enterprise. It was pretty frickin cool. We hired someone dressed as a Borg and a Klingon as our witnesses and made anyone who came wear Spock ears. Hilarious. It was pretty cool to relive that I must say. I wonder how long it will take Madeline to realize I was 8 weeks pregnant with her when we got married. We kinda decided to have a baby together before we decided to get married. Oops.

I'll try to be more diligent about posting - I need this so much. It helps unclutter my brain. Plus this tattooing will be an interesting experience. I wonder if they have a book of areolas for me to thumb through to pick out - like 'areola mug shots' kind of thing. Maybe I should have them start shaped - that would be kinda cool - hmmmm. Can't wait to see the look on her face when I ask for this - I love it.

God Bless -

We'll Figure It Out

I have been cooped up with the girls with the coughing crap all last week, then PJ got it at the tail end of the week through the weekend - now, I can feel myself fighting it too. I was making up the bed in the spare bedroom one morning last week when the words above just came into my head, seemingly out of nowhere. I said it out loud to myself "we'll figure it out" and suddenly a sense of peace came over me. Don't get me wrong, I know how this looks - it looks bad. And if I forget that it looks bad? All I have to do is be around someone close to me and I am reminded - simply by the looks on their faces - like people are losing hope. I'm not being a bitch here, seriously, but I think this has gotten to a point where people have run out of things to say - or they are afraid to say anything hopeful because it has been such a shitty road thus far. I don't blame them - I would probably be the same way. However, I - ironically enough - am full of hope. Not all the time, I am human, but most of the time, I really am. I look at what I have going for me - I feel fantastic, a normal liver function test, healing bones, no recurrence anywhere else - it's just this pesky liver tumor we gotta figure out how to manage. I have had many conversations with myself and the man upstairs and know, that ultimately, He and I are in this together, and it doesn't really matter what others think, say, look like when then see me, etc. Do I want someone to tell me everything is going to be fine? You bet your ass I do! Every frickin day! So I tell myself this, everyday. I wake up in the morning, sore - from Erin's class at the Y - thank you - but ready to face the day with my beautiful children and make this life the best I can. I am constantly reassuring myself - which, oddly enough ends up me reassuring other people too. Funny.

However, when I start feeling that fear - I try to just say to myself, 'turn this fear into faith Dina - do it!' and it does work. It really takes some effort, but it is working. I need to stop myself from getting all pissed and sad and upset and jealous of others who don't have to go through this - I have been doing this a lot lately and I need to just stop. It doesn't change anything, except my mood from pretty OK to pretty depressed - and what fun is that? When this happens, I try to remember to remind myself that this is what I have - like it or not - this is what I have - I get to choose how I react to it. Do I stay all pissed and sad and angry about it? Cuz that's easy - I can do that all day long, probably while I'm sleeping. I keep trying to turn this around on hope. Hope. Trust. Hope. I'm not afraid to say it's going to be alright. I say it to myself all the time.

So I'm feeling all this crap up there in that paragraph above, and my mind just races like this all the time because, well, I spend a LOT of time in the car. Anyway, I get here to CTCA today for my bone scan and to meet w/ my onc and I am in the waiting room, and I pull up my email on my phone (this is where PJ gets pissed cuz I'm not supposed to use this data function on our plan) and here's the devotion for today. OK - I have to just post it here, sorry for the long read:

… and she lives happily ever after.
9 Feb 2011
Glynnis Whitwer
"... your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."Psalm 139:1(NIV)

I recently finished a bestselling novel. It was over 1,000pages, epic in size and story, and consumed me for weeks. A respected acquaintance recommended it, and once committed, I stuck with it to the end ... in spite of wanting to quit, often.

By the end of the first chapter, I realized it wasn't going to be an easy read. The story was set in the middle ages, with uncomfortably real sections. Perhaps I'm a bit sheltered, but it seemed to contain unnecessarily graphic descriptions. Skimming over the uncomfortable spots, I kept reading.
The book ended well, but there were times when I was ready to close the cover, and move on to something happier. The antagonists were just too mean. The plot too painful. The abuse, greed and vindictiveness too ugly to dwell on.
If that book ended badly, I would have been disgruntled at spending weeks of my life on it. On the other hand, I would have been frustrated to quit before finishing. Here's why.

If I had quit reading at page 245,the story would have seemed hopeless. I might have thought the villains won, or the hero and heroine never reconnected. If I had read a bit further, to say page 576, the story would have ended with justice as an impossible dream, and hatred and revenge as unavoidable and all-consuming parts of life.But now,after reading the book in its entirety, I can see the amazing story. The plot progressed steadily; there was tension, conflict and eventually resolution. Good did triumph, although not without many bumps along the way.

It got me thinking that our lives are a bit like that. For those of us who have accepted Christ, we will have a happy ending in heaven with God. One way or another, our story will end well. But not every page or chapter in our story is happy.

Today might be page 452 for me. And on page 452 there is conflict and tension. Last year might have been chapter nine. And in chapter nine, the protagonists struggle financially, and wonder why God allowed such pain into their lives. If I only read one page or chapter, I would have a very different view of the story.

Yet the Author of my story has a purpose for every page and chapter in my life. He’s got a story in mind and is building and developing the plot every day. No story is conflict-free. No story is complete without a challenge. Victory is empty without a struggle.

Today, I’m considering my life as a grand story. Good will triumph. The victory will be sweeter because of the struggle. Today is not the story. It’s just page 452. So I will press on, trusting in a loving and creative Author to bring about resolution. You see, I already know the ending – she lives happily ever after.

Dear Lord, I praise You for Your creative and all-powerful nature. In light of the difficulties I'm facing today, I choose to trust You, believing You are writing an epic story in my life. Help me to press on when I want to give up. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

It's quite a trust issue to just know that you already live 'happily ever after'. But it also reinforces the fact that we have one shot on this earth - one. That's it. The most perfect part of this prayer for me is 'in light of the difficulties I'm facing today, I choose to trust You'. That is HUGE! I will press on, and I won't give up. Not by a long shot. This is a time in this disease where I feel two completely opposite things at the same time. I feel the most alone I have ever felt, yet the most loved by the Lord. Quite a dichotomy.

I was getting my blood drawn just a bit ago, and here comes another thought seemingly out of nowhere. The thought was 'they are here to help you'. Now as stupid as this sounds, I really think I needed to hear this because I think I have subconsciously thought that these people with their normal cancer free lives where the bad guys - they were the ones always delivering the bad news, right? I need to remember that they have dedicated their lives to helping others. I think, once again subconsciously, that I still hang onto that 'in charge' person and that I'm supposed to be the one to take care of others and these people really are just here because it's their job not because they actually want to HELP me - I am wrong. So - I will open my eyes again at these people, and choose to have them viewed with hope filled eyes. I wasn't even aware I was doing this, but I think I was. Bringing this negativity into these appointments. Not on a huge level, I always am making everyone laugh around here, but on a deeper level, inside of me.

I'm going to go get something to munch on before my appt in an hour or so. I have a list of questions to ask the onc and the naturopath and the dietician. We'll figure it out.

God Bless

At Least I'm Earning my Disability

Well, I was feeling kinda guilty for receiving my disability payments recently cause I was feeling so good - at least this scan has wiped that guilt away. Unfortunately, I've been having those stupid, annoying dark thoughts - which I now realize I do this every time this journey takes these types of turns. Thoughts of dying, of not being around to raise my children, to thinking of my husband meeting and loving another woman, and that woman raising my kids and them calling her mommy, of my husband making love to her - this is some f()*cked up shit - right? Shit - I can't even type this without crying about it. This is probably the most painful, heart wrenching part of this journey, is how my mind goes to these places - and I just cry - cry so hard, so deeply, so A F R A I D. I tell these things to my husband, which is probably really unfair - I mean, I'm expecting him to say 'Dina - that's not going to happen' or 'Dina, I could never love another woman' or 'Dina - you are the only mommy these children will ever know'. These are the things I WANT him to say - but he doesn't. He just looks at me, tells me that everything is going to be fine while trying to digest all of this himself. I expect him to be there as this rock, this solid rock of positivity, of reassurance, of constant comfort - and I forget that he is going through this too. Then I worry that he doesn't have anyone he can go to with this - no one he can go to to talk about his fears, his anger, his frustration. It isn't me anymore - I don't know who he is talking to, and it breaks my heart. I am then reminded of where I really can find all of this - and it brings to mind the ironic 'word' I chose for this year to work on and incorporate into my life - TRUST. Frickin ironic, eh? Well, this word could not be more appropriate for what I am facing now.

Then I read a story in the paper of a 28 year old mother who was also 6 months pregnant with their 2nd child who suffered a brain aneurysm and both died and I think - wow. We really just don't know, do we? None of us know - and it's tragic at times, ironic at others, miraculous at others - we just all have these individual journeys and we just don't know what they hold in store for us. I'm trying really hard to just operate in 'feel' mode, and I am feeling so great. It's like this inner battle is ongoing with my thoughts trying to 'take me down' so to speak. My heart versus my brain. I heard recently that it's a hell of a lot longer than just 18 inches between your head and your heart - ain't that the frickin truth, right? In any case, the past few days have felt like an inner battle between the two.

So I had forgotten the insurance dance that needs to take place in obtaining the Xeloda pills. I did remember the $5k cap on name brand drugs on our policy which is why we had to apply to the drug mfg for financial assistance last time (they don't make a generic of course) but I forgot about the $500 deductible. So now I've added winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes to my list of nightly prayers. Hey - someone has to win, right??? In any case, we're making our way through that red tape right now so we can get started on it as quickly as possible. I started the arimidex (which does have a generic thank you GOD) on Sat and that is fine so far. I don't remember when the side effects of the Femara started happening way back when, but I'm trying to just keep moving forward and not think about it. I go back to CTCA on Friday for a bone scan which is standard when starting an aromatase inhibitor and a meeting w/ my oncologist. I'll be asking some questions - like, how do we know this is even breast cancer on my liver - should we investigate liver cancer chemos - why isn't surgery something we are talking about - why can't we do theresphere again with a higher dose - those kinds of things. I want to make sure I'm focusing all my attention on what the current plan is, and sometimes I think my me thinking of all these other things I'm already assuming this current plan won't work - but then again I realize, there goes my brain again, I have to tune in more to my gut - and my gut says that I'm fine. I just need this stupid scan to catch up with how I feel.

Amidst all of this I have been taking an Arizona Defensive Driving Course in order to negate the speeding ticket I received - what a dichotomy that has been, seriously. So awesome you can take them online now, and log in and out when I had an extra 30 minutes or so. It has been an awesome diversion, so well timed for my first speeding ticket - ever. And thankfully, it won't appear on my record - cuz that is REALLY IMPORTANT isn't it? In the big scheme of things? If you're wondering like I did how they know it's you and that you're even paying attention through the course, the one I took threw in these random statements in the middle of the course section. Like I'm reading about lane changing and all of a sudden it says 'Corporal Klinger in the hit series MASH wore a size 10 dress shoe.' Then they would test you on this at the end - it was hilarious. So that, ironically again, was a blessing.

The message this last Sunday was about Fear - again the irony - and we recited Psalm 23 - which I couldn't get through without crying. But to be completely honest, the softest place I can fall is in the arms of my Lord and Savior. He is the only one who knows, in the deepest part of my soul, where I am and what I need. He is the only place I feel safe - the only true place I feel peace, and comfort, and assurance of hope and my future. If I just take the moment it takes to tune into it, especially when I am feeling the battle of my mind, then I find peace - but doing that continues to take practice, and discipline, and trust.

I sat in a steamed bathroom last night with Ginger who woke up around 12:30am with this horrible croupy cough. Then laid her next to me as she struggled to breathe through her coughing and was awake till 3am. This is where I'm meant to be, this is who I was created to be, this is what the Lord has intended for me to be. Right here - right now - in this family, mother of these children, wife to this man. No one can ever take that away.

God Bless -

Not What I'd Hoped

Well, the CT scan has revealed the largest tumor which was shrinking and dying 2 months ago, growing again. And, unfortunately there is an AND, there appears to be additional tiny tumors appearing around it. So, back to the drawing board. We have decided to go back to the Xeloda, the pill form of chemotherapy but on a different dose. A daily dose of 2 each day - rather than the previous 8 pills a day for a week, then a week off blah blah blah. This is supposed to provide and consistent nonstop flow of chemo, without the horrible side effects I experienced before. I also have started the estrogen blocker, which I knew was coming. So there we have it. Here's the strange part - my liver function is completely normal, my tumor markers are low (not that that ever mattered), my bones are healed pretty much, it hasn't spread anywhere else and I feel great. I asked my doc if this was normal, and he looked at me and said 'Dina, nothing about you is normal'. I then told him that this was not the first time I had heard this comment. We laughed.

Here's the deal - am I disappointed? Yes. Did I logically think theresphere would do it? Yes. This shows me that there is no logic to this disease, or at least, to me having this disease. Everyone seems baffled. I'm lucky that I am so healthy everywhere else, my body is obviously fighting this with everything it has - this tumor is just stubborn. I am not going to go to the dark place, or have a pity party, or change any plans I have made for me - I will not let this disease rule my life like I have in the past. I need to be careful not to tread into the 'denial' part of this thinking, I need to remain proactive and assertive, but I will not let it dictate my mood, my life, my purpose on this earth. Maybe I'm just getting used to it, but this is where my head is tonight. So we have to get the paperwork in order to send to the pharmaceutical company to get me signed up for financial assistance for these pills again, and I already have the estrogen blocker to start taking tomorrow.

I was blessed enough to speak with my friend Pastor Mary tonight and we talked about this at length tonight. Here's the odd part: I feel fine. I feel great actually. My doc knows this, and looking at everything else about me, tells me that he is 'treating the scan'. Hmmmm. How curious. You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I feel healed. If he needs to treat the scan to match how I feel, then so be it. I trust the Lord, and in my opinion, I am already healed.

So, ironically I hear this new song on the drive back home tonight, and I need to share these lyrics - it is pretty frickin awesome - I totally put this on my ipod already


This Is The Stuff
Francesca Battistelli
from the album This is the Stuff - Single


I lost my keys
In the great unknown
And call me please
'Cause I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy.
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately.
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've got to trust You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I might choose
But this is the stuff you use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines
While I'm running behind

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I might choose but this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy.
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of little my mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I would choose but this is the stuff You use

This is the stuff You use

I'm off to figure out how He wants me to use this.
God Bless