Don't worry - you won't catch my chemo

Well, first treatment is done and overwith. I am no longer in the pain I was in before treatment, which is sooooo good. Considering the doc said I would have to wait 3-5 days after my first treatment for pain relief and I felt it the next morning, I consider this divine intervention, and give Jesus all the praise - thank you .

Friday was interesting - I was able to meet w/ my onc then the mind body spirit guy and he and PJ and I had a great talk. Really helped me. He says things to me that are just to the point, no 'making nice' which is a sweet relief. Reminded me to just let things be, and focus on healing, and allowing the treatments to do their thing. He said a lot more, reminding me to put me first, something I needed reminded to do. Told me not to fall into the typical 'breast cancer super mom' stereotype that he sees over and over again. Relieved me from feeling like I have to take care of everybody in my family - and we touched on some mother issues I need to spend some time in prayer about. Some deep shit, but good - all good. Then my onc walks in and says he has spoken in the quadrasphere guy and he wants to go ahead with that once I get on the Halivan routine - what??? My eyes felt like they popped out. I can't imagine doing both of these treatments simultaneously - but we will see. Right now I'm just focusing on this chemo treatment. Infusion was good I guess - and these new pumps give me all my premeds at once - so cool!!! I don't have to wait for one after the other - I get the steriod, the anti nausea med and the benedryl all at the same time - then my actual chemo drug is a push that takes 2-3 minutes. So they watched me for a bit, then I just realized that if they let me I'd just sleep in that chair for as long as they'd let me, I'd snooze myself to sleep. So I got my ass up and out we went. Groggy, but fine. I was pretty much fine until last night, that's when the steroid flush came upon me, oh how reminded I am now of all this side effect fun! Yes, I had forgotten actually that I was supposed to have a mommy & Madeline sleepover last night where we just got a hotel room locally and hung out. So we do this even though I'm starting to feel the side effects of my treatment (red face, nothing tastes right) and Madeline has the stomach bug that Ginger had last week - yay!!! But we had fun nontheless. Luckily she is old enough now to take some of these over the counter meds to find relief quickly for her - bless her heart. But we went swimming, hot tubbing, burnt popcorn in the room, ordered room service - we had a blast. Then off to church this morning to meet the rest of the family. That's where my encounter happened. I'm sure it was just a TMI moment, but it struck me as funny. See, I have found lately that when I tell my story - and I mean my whole story, it makes people a little, ok a LOT uncomfortable. It's like - tragedy overload for some people - and I can feel myself as I tell it, I can hear myself thinking 'ok, don't get too sucked in here, cuz there's more coming' it's like I almost have to lessen the reality of my own story to save the person I'm telling the pain of hearing it - does that make sense? It's ridiculous!

So, I had mentioned my meeting with one of the new pastors at my church sometime back, where I just wanted some spiritual guidance I guess, had hit a wall and wanted to talk it through - well, this was one of those moments. So, I haven't been back since, but I do get the longer hand shake and hug from him when we meet at church, and that is good and quite comforting to me. Well, this morning, I guess I felt like I had to share my divine intervention - I mean this pain gone this is a HUGE deal to me - I've been in pain where it hurt so bad to sneeze or yawn, I looked like I was giving birth each time either one of these things happened, now, I'm learning how to do these things normally again - I thought this was monumental. So when I get approached for the hug I mention that I started chemo onFriday which ilicited a quick stink face and a couple steps back. Hmm - ok. Then I try to make it ok by saying 'but my pain was gone instantly it was totally Jesus!' and I get 'I just wanted you to know I was praying for you' and off he went lickity split. Now, I only bring this exchange up because I find it ironic - I'm not upset by this,not in the least, I'm fine. I just think it's funny that here I go trying to appease others 'uncomfortableness' with my situation, yet again. I hate that this disease is all some people see now when they see me. I wish they saw me - but they don't. That's the part that I wanted to talk about. And it's not just this pastor, it's people who just don't know me. I liked it better when people didn't know me they really knew nothing about me - now - they all seem to know I have cancer - and that's all they know about me. So I get the pity look, or the shoulder touch, or the smile with the head tilt. Sucks. Because I think I have something to learn from certain people, and they just can't get past the cancer part. Sucks again.

So I'm drinking water with frozen fruit in it (tastes really good actually) and that's really about it - everything else tastes awful. Back I go to eating all natural which I was doing OK before, but now that I can't taste anything with preservatives, I'm going to go all organic and start a plant, fruit and fish based diet. Some chicken, but no meat - little dairy - that's it. My friend is going to show me how to shop like this this week - very excited. Ready for some new fresh ideas - ya only know what ya know - gotta change up what I know - ya know?

So I'm asking for positive prayers, sending out the bad thoughts that creep into my brain with a big FU to Satan and then the awesome catch phrase Pastor Dan gave me this morning, God's Got my Back. That has worked wonders so far today. Thank You!!!

Need to watch my Sunday eve zombie show with my hubby so I bid u farewell. Glad to have nothing to do tomorrow. Need one more day of rest, gotta get into a groove here. Not there yet. Clearly.

I read the following passage today for the first time ever and it just filled me with such - life? Not sure how else to explain it. It's Habakkuk 3:17-19. I know - I never even LOOKED and this book in the Bible - anyway, I'll just share the last line, but please check this out - it is amazing:

' The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.'

This visual is just so comforting to me. I love it. Check in tomorrow - God Bless.

Dina

All Aboard The Chemo Train...........

Last night and all day today, I prayed for peace. I prayed for peace to wash over me, no matter what the news turned out to be today. Did I pray for healing? Absolutely, in fact, I've been quite adamant about praying for healing as of late. And I will not back down. I did get what I prayed for today however, I got peace. Complete peace when faced with this new news. This new path of which I am about to head down. It seems that yes, cancer is indeed what has caused the damage to my shoulder bone. In fact, I have reactivated bone mets (short for metastasis) in the places where the old ones were, and new ones. To be specific, I have bone mets on both shoulders, both legs, my spine and my ribs. They believe the pain I have been experiencing on my right side is indeed that, the bone met on that side. Once I received this news my doc has me whisked off to imaging again to have all my bones xrayed to make sure they weren't further damaged like my shoulder was - at risk for breaking. Blessedly, they are not - they are in good shape. It's like a breast cancer tumor is just sitting there on the bone, in the places I've mentioned. Needless to say, PJ and I were quite taken aback - I was prepared for the met on my shoulder, that just made logical sense to me, but not all the others. I also am a little annoyed that I haven't had a PET scan for over a year, we were so focused on the liver, we kind of let that slip I guess, but, there's nothing to do about this now - so let's move forward.

The test also showed conflicting information regarding my liver. In fact, my doc said that 2 radiologists were 'arguing' over my scan. ?? It shows the tumor areas as smaller than before, but reading hotter for cancer cells. This is completely contradictory of one another. (of course it is! it's me!) so I am settling for no change. AND to make things more confusing, my blood work again is perfect, and my tumor markers are DOWN. What the chicken?

We are putting the kabosh on quadrasphere - which, I have to say, I am thanking the Lord above. I am so happy to not have to do that again, I was ironically telling PJ that I would almost welcome that chemo chair before doing quadrasphere again - well, be careful what you wish for. Yes, I will be starting a new chemo treatment plan on Friday. It's a new drug, recently approved by the FDA by the name of Halaven. It is a 21 day cycle - I have treatment day 1 then day 8 then take a week off. Back to the chemo chair. Side effects are minimal this time, thank God. And this is my first experience at CTCA for chemo infusion - who are much more proactive with side effects and such rather than reactive - in fact, my care manager and I have already begun to discuss how to start handling some of the side effects now.

Now that the facts are out of the way, I can get to the feelings part. I am not afraid of this news at all. I have no idea why - wait - yes I do - I got what I prayed for, I got peace. I know this is manageable - bone mets are way easier to tend to then the liver thing - and knowing that I'm starting a chemo infusion with minimal side effects that will treat both? I'm oddly excited to get started. I know - crazy right? This new drug is made from a sea sponge - how frickin cool is that? Am I pissed I have to plant my ass back in that chemo chair? Absolutely - pissed and horribly inconvenienced - but - I am supposed to be relieved of this pain that I have been feeling for the better part of 3 months now, within 3 days of my first treatment. The pain I have been experiencing has been sending me into a dark place thought wise - a place I do visit on occasion, which is normal, but I have spent the better part of the past 3 months in this space, and have been keeping it entirely to myself. On the ride down to CTCA, I finally and quite spontaneously opened up to PJ about this, I explained to him that I was usually pretty good about talking and praying myself through these times, but lately I just couldn't do it - and I don't want to be in this dark place. I don't want to think about myself dying, of never seeing my kids grow up, of not being able to take care of my family - and this has always been shit I've thought of, but when you are in pain, it makes it much more vivid and real and scary. Long story short - I asked for help. From him, and then today, I asked for help from CTCA. I'm not used to doing this, and what I noticed myself doing was me showing up for these CTCA appts and treating them just like something on my To Do list. Putting the tough girls face on, smiling, joking, like I always do. Never have I thought of them as the place for me to let my guard down and just open up completely. Shame on me. This was difficult, and I'm not ashamed in the least to say I'll be seeing their psychologist here pretty soon. Looking forward to getting some help from someone to help me put this in perspective and hopefully gaining some tools to help me climb out of these dark moments. And, I realized it's not fair to my husband to keep this to myself either - he wants to help me, and he can't if I don't share what I'm thinking. So this was extremely powerful for me this visit - and I feel very positive about it.

I don't know how long I have, 10 min, 10 days, 10 months, 10 years, 40 years - but I don't want to spend whatever time that is being scared or fearful - I want it to be full of life, and love, and family, and friends, and giving and helping others. No time for bullshit or other peoples bullshit or drama, life is just way too short. I want to surround myself with people who want these same things out of life, learn from them, and hopefully be an example to those who haven't quite got it yet. To be completely dorky and quote Mandisa, 'I want the Truth that I believe to be the definition of me'.

So I start treatment on Friday - so prayers please that I react ok to this new drug, that it does what it is supposed to do, and also prayers that PJ's job will work with us on allowing him to take me to treatments. It is so much to ask I know, but he is the most trust worthy guy, I hope they know that and will allow him to make it up elsewhere - because he will.

I want so badly to keep our lives on course, as much as I can. I want to keep our plans to go to NY for Thanksgiving, to have a sleepover with Madeline this weekend, to give Ginger the bday party with a princess that she wants, to try to take a weekend away with just PJ and I, to see PJ's cousins and their kids over Easter - all of it - life doesn't stop because of cancer, life doesn't stop because of chemo. Everything keeps going - and don't want to miss any of it. Please, Lord, give me the strength, the healing, to power to go through this and keep going as a wife, a mother, a woman of God, and sister in Christ. Please, give me the strength.

God Bless -

Dina

Dina's Shoulder - The Newest Carnival Attraction

So, I finally got my appt today at CTCA. I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for my interventional radiologist to call me back, which, he never did. In retrospect, this is not entirely a bad thing. Because I have a new interventional radiologist now, who is awesome and treats me like a person. Anyway, saw him today and he gave me an entirely different interpretation of my last CT scan. Get OUT - right? So, he says he can't really be sure that there is new growth on the right side - can you believe it? He described to me what cancer looks like on a CT scan and this didn't really look like that. He didn't really know what it was - vascular irritation was a possibility. So he recommend I have a PET scan so we can really see what we're dealing with, then either schedule another quadrasphere if it is, or take some time off if it's not. And as I still am dealing with so much pain when I breathe in on my right side, he did a full ultra sound on my abdomen, all of which came out fine. My bloodwork came back fine, my liver function is normal, my white and red blood cells are perfect, and my tumor markers were even down. Isn't that crazy! So we decide that I will start taking Alieve for the pain instead of popping all these Advil, see if that helps, schedule the PET scan for the first of March then see if we need a quadrasphere or not. Sounds awesome right? Right, it is. Except here's where everything went in a totally different direction today.

My shoulder has been hurting, I think I've mentioned this here before. So he does this physical exam which generates some pain, then he decides to do an ultra sound himself on it, just to take a peek. Nothing. We agree to try to strengthen it up by doing some stretching at home, to see if that improves. Ok.

Off I go to my oncologist appt - check up time. He reviews everything that I just went through with the interventional radiologist and upon his physical exam of me - he notes my pain when I breathe in like before, and my shoulder pain. He says he wants an xray of my chest and my shoulder. Just like that - they send me back down to imaging and there I immediately have my xrays - so frickin cool that this happens this fast - and the results are given within like, 10-15 min, no lie. He reports to me that my chest is clear - thank you Jesus. My shoulder however, has a hole in it. Yea, you read that right - my shoulder bone as a hole in it - about the size of a nickel. I respond with 'what?!?' and he says "yep". I look at him and say 'well, it's cancer isn't it? what else could do that?" and he says he doesn't know. That he's never seen it in this particular bone before, so that part just doesn't make sense to him. I just continually seem to baffle everyone. He and PJ then begin to chat that perhaps this is degenerative, or maybe I've always had this. Nobody knows. Point is, he doesn't want to wait to find out - so now I have a PET scan scheduled for Monday morning. Ugh.

AND - to boot, I accidentally OD'd on Vit D today - did you know you could do this? Well, I did with this new supplement I've been taking - and my naturpath informs me that the dose I was taking is at toxic levels. Well, I certainly felt toxic - it was awful. Better now though - thank God.

So I have to admit, I was freaked out at this news. Freaked out. Then, as I vented to PJ (thank God he was with me) I was able to calm down. I told Dr. Nixon that I was scared - and he said, well, if it makes me feel any better, if it is cancer, we just shoot it with radiation to kill it and stop your pain. What we are treating on the liver is way more important than this, that there is an easy fix to this. Yes, that does make me feel better actually. So I process this through, while feeling these awful flu like symptoms from the stupid Vit D - then something just kicked into gear for me. I looked at PJ and said "well, ya know - this whole hole in the shoulder bone thing could really earn us some extra money. I could be a new game at the county fair, have people like, toss a small ball through it to win a prize". Then we began to brainstorm on all the uses for this, you could string your purse through it, you could put an earring through it, you could go hardcore and pierce it with some sort of spike or something. If I was really desperate, I'm sure the adult film community could find a use for it. (kidding) Point is, is I need to tune into my sense of humor. I've lost that so much lately, and if I sit and be sad and scared and wallow in this sea of self pity - then not only is life passing me by while I do this, including my children lives, it totally plays into the fear. I refuse to do this anymore. I can hear the Holy Spirit guide me through this (which dr and which procedure is right) trust the Lord has my back here, and live my life. Yes, my life has a lot of dr appts and tests and other things in it that remind me of my cancer all the time - and I continue to have moments that it totally pisses me off - it reminds everyone of my cancer - but there are other parts of my life that aren't centered around that. That's what I'm going to intentionally focus on. I have been in this fog the past couple of weeks, and I'm telling you, it's like this news lifted this fog right out of my brain. Am I tired of being in pain, yes, and this can only be one more step towards ending this toxic way of thinking. I'm missing everything when I think like this!!!! So that's what I'm working on.

I'll know more on Monday - so until then, I'm livin life the best I can, pain or no pain. We'll figure this out. This may sound totally hokey - totally 'Jesus Freakish' - I don't care - I'm as surprised as anyone else that this is where my brain is just a couple hours after receiving this news. Perhaps my beautiful prayer circle was heard loud and clear yesterday, eh? My devotion for today said this:

I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly places. I guarantee you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you think of yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help Me Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me.

I'm telling you, my brain just went there - I think it was kind of a decision, but more like an unconcious shift in perspective. Crazy.

So there we have it. Thanks for you prayers - they help so much I can't even explain. I've been asked to give my testimony for the church this month, which really just warms my heart. I know I am supposed to share - be it speaking, music, leadership - I know I am supposed to share and serve. I just know it.

God Bless

Getting my BRAIN back in the GAME.....

Well the results were as follows: left side seems stable still (yay!) but the right side now shows new small tumors. So, I am going to have to have more quadrasphere procedures, which, I have to admit, made me literally feel like I was going to throw up as I was speaking to the interventional radiologist. Now, they did tell me from the get go that it was typical to have 'multiple' treatments. Ok. So I'm not the exception to the rule, which I really wanted to be, so that is ok. At least this is normal, and I take some sort of sick comfort in that. Next, I really thought the new tumors on the right side was scary information, but then it was explained like this by my case manager. She put it this way (paraphrasing of course): it takes like a million cancer cells to show up on these CT scans, and the quadrasphere procedure not only kills the cancer cells, they apply it to the blood supply of the tumor, cutting it off - essentially killing it from both sides. Now, that blood has to go somewhere, so they figure what is showing on the scan now has always been there, they just couldn't see it till now. Again, I take some sick comfort in this as well. Oh, and did I mention that treating the left then the right is considered ONE treatment? Yea, didn't know that either. And I'm probably going to need 3 - count them - 3 - treatments. Which means 4 more times for this crap. Breathe Dina, breathe. I can do this, I don't want to do this, but I can do this. And, I found out the chemotherapy they are using is Adrymiacin - otherwise known in my unfortunately every growing breast cancer community as 'the red devil'. No wonder I've been so sick!!

Now, I just need to vent here a minute- because this last treatment was worse than the previous, and I now have more information as to why. The tumors they treated on the right side of my liver were very close to the very edge of the organ, which was then very close to my diaphragm, very close to my lung. I just spoke to a interventional radiologist, as I've been trying to speak with MY interventional radiologist (I just like typing that out a zillion times) but he never called me back after 2 weeks so I finally got this great guy who called me on Friday night around 6pm. He explained this to me - which probably explains why I've had these sharps stabbing pains in my side when I breathe in deeply, severe right shoulder pain, I've basically had pleurisy for the past week. Do you know what I thought it was? Tight muscles or me just not moving enough - so you know what I've been doing all week? Planting my ass on the treadmill at the gym making myself push to to the weight loss setting and 3 miles in 40 minutes. With pleurisy!!! Isn't that hysterical!!! There I am, having trouble breathing thinking 'wow it's hard to breathe, I better adjust the incline a little higher and work this out'. DUH!!!! So, those of you out there getting this procedure, heads up - ask where the tumors are that they are treating and if this is any possibility so you know what to possibly expect in your recovery time. And then if you feel those things - don't get on the treadmill!!!!! Oy. Seriously.

There, I feel much better now. So now I have to go in for an ultra sound on my gall bladder (still trying to figure out why that is important to check - Sean?) before we schedule another quadrasphere. So I figure I'm clear the month of Feb, which, to be honest, I'm quite excited about. The more I do this, the more I'm learning, that's for sure - just a real shitty way to feel while I'm learning, ya know?

I'm not sure how I feel emotionally. Sad I think, at first, and I'm working through that. I really wished I would be the one person who miraculously could have been done just after one procedure. But I am not. It's just that this, this procedure, has been the worst throughout all of this journey - and I will do it again, I will, but I really gotta work super hard and getting my brain back in the game, cuz it's not right now. I just want to feel better so I can run and jump and play with my kids. I want to feel better so I can run and jump and play with my husband ;-) and such. It's like just when I start to feel better, here we go again. And they haven't done many of these at CTCA so it's not organized or anything, again, very frustrating. All of that put together kinda puts you into a weird mindset, not a 'giving up' mindset, but an exasperated one I suppose. I asked the doc at the results appt 'how many times do I have to do this?' and he responded with 'this isn't a cure you know, we are just trying to extend your life as much as possible'. Ouch. Do I know that from his standpoint that this is true? Yes. Do I 'feel' like this is true? No. I'd be lying though if I say I haven't thought these thoughts: 'I don't think it's the cancer that's gonna kill me, I think it's the treatments'. This is just an ass kicker, and it scares me. Do I keep doing it? My oncologist is so gung ho about it, and I wholeheartedly trust him, so I take comfort in that. They did say there is a new infusion chemo that they have in their back pocket if we find this isn't working, so there's that. I just wish we could find it, ya know? I wouldn't mind having chemo every 2 weeks - or having quadrasphere every 6 months, if we knew it was keeping this thing at bay - ya know? I just want to find what it is so I can wrap my brain around it, tell myself to suck it up and then just frickin do it. I hate this flip flopping around trying all this different crap - hate it. Am I blessed that there are things to try? Lord yes, please don't think I'm not grateful for just having options, and maybe I need to remember that a little more. I just want something to work - finally. At least for a little while.

On a completely different note, I am actually able to pull my hair into this teeny tiny ponytail - I haven't been able to do that since I cut it all off way back in 2009. Kinda cool. And also a pain because it takes me way long to blow it out now. Am I complaining about having to DO my HAIR??? Hell no!!! Happy Happy Happy to just have hair, thx.

Still working on the whole trust thing. I do trust God, I do trust Jesus. I trust whatever they have in store for me - fact is, they aren't done with me yet - cuz I'm still here - walking around - so I just try to remember to make it count. To not waste time with BS, to make sure my kids know to be real and genuine and loving, and to make a difference, in whatever way possible. When I find myself wallowing in my own crap I make myself get up and get out and help someone else, that always just seems to put it all in perspective for me. Always does. And I find I hear the Holy Spirit working inside me much clearer when I do things this way. Some days it's easier than others, but for the most part, it just takes practice. So I'm still practicing.

Reading 'Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyers - which I highly recommend. And try to get it off Amazon, not her website. No offense, but since they now know me from her website, they will NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! I just wanted to read the book!!! Jeesh. Not that her ministry doesn't do great things, it does - but - OY. Anyway, I digress - I'm finding this book most helpful in fighting the things that come into my mind. About myself, others, strangers - you name it. Quite remarkable concept - so check it out.

Have a great week - I'll keep you posted.

God Bless -

Scared - Trust - Breathe - Scared - Trust - Breathe

So Happy New Year and Merry Christmas and all that crap! We actually had the most beautiful Christmas - I was exhausted because of my recovery yes, but also because my girls did not go to sleep until 11pm Christmas Eve then PJ and I (mostly PJ I have to admit, but I helped at the end) had to set up the 14 foot trampoline that Santa somehow fit in his sleigh (luckily no questions emerged about this) in our back yard. We finally got in bed around 2:30 am and the girls were wide awake around 5. But, such is the life of Christmas time with small children. It was a blast, yawning all the way through it. Then we decided to celebrate New Years on NY time, so we were in bed shortly after 10pm. Nice. And yes, I sound like I'm 80 and don't really care to be honest. I own a shawl too by the way, and use it on occasion.

My niece from back east came and visited us just after new years and was here for 10 days, so I've really felt like the holidays are just now over for me - as I put her on the shuttle the other night. But here I sit at CTCA just finished my CT scan and am awaiting results and a check up with my doctor. I was so pumped up by the results last time, I'm trying to not feel like 'this is where the other shoe drops' for this one. Why do I subconsciously feel like that? Is it my innate nature to expect the worst but hope for the best? I hate this part - it doesn't get any easier, cuz I've been in this 'waiting' mode many, so many times before - I keep thinking I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I just repeat the same things in my head that I always need to be reminded of - things like "I'm not going to let scan results determine how I feel' and 'nothing will ever shake me from my faith - not even cancer' and 'Father God will take care of me no matter what the results' and 'I will continue to ask for healing because that is what His word says he wants for all who believe in Him' and 'you still have to get everyone to school and work on Monday so let's just get in there and get this done so I can get back to my life thank you very much!' It doesn't get any easier. Now that I mention it, it doesn't get harder either, which is a blessing I guess. I think I receive information better now that's for sure - whatever it may be. My trust continues to strengthen which is also good. It takes work though that's for sure - I can feel it in my heart when I haven't tended to my faith like I should. I feel a distance, a kind of 'jaded independence' if you will. Don't like that. So I get back on my knees at my bedside each evening, that works for me. I like to fall asleep with Him on my heart rather than Mob Wives in my brain, although it is VERY tempting. Church of course, and running my MOPS group which is so near and dear to my heart. I was at a loss as to what to pray about with my girls at night. I knew I wanted to pray with them, but I just didn't have the patience for the 'God please bless my pillow, and my toys, and the Angry Birds game on mommy's phone.....'. I mean that's fine I guess, but they obviously aren't getting what this is truly about yet, and they're little, they shouldn't. So we've started just reciting The Lords Prayer at night with our girls before bedtime and it's been really cool - they totally have it memorized already! Pretty cool.

Anyhoo - I am always so conflicted on how to pray at these appointments. Do I pray for complete healing? Yes. Do I pray for strength in whatever the results may be? Yes. Do I tell Jesus I trust Him and fully commit to know that He knows best and I will handle whatever I get? Yes. Do I pray that this will be the last 'procedure' I ever have to have so I can eventually turn into one of those '3 month check up' people? Holy Crap Yes!!!! I guess there is no wrong thing to pray for - even though they are all different things. I find this part confusing.

I've decided to take some things off my plate to give me a little more breathing room. It's been hard, but so incredible helpful, I'm still getting used to it. I have backed off of my Wed bible study group - just for this semester. I found this last time I attended a class that I was turning into more than just an attendee - and was having a hard time saying NO to other things. So, I'm taking a break. I'm getting ready to back away from another commitment but - and I already know the response here - I'm considering auditioning for a play. I haven't had my acting shoes on in, let's see, almost 10 years? Really? Yikes. So, I'm really praying about it because the role is pretty demanding, as is the rehearsal schedule. I want to make sure I have the strength and energy to commit. We'll see - but so cool that I even want to do this. I am taking a class at the local theater for one person shows - and it's coming along quite nicely. Maybe I should focus on that only for now - not sure. Again, praying about this.

So - off I go downstairs now for my check up. Say some prayers if you could - and thank you all who do anyway for me. I can feel your energy coming my way. Those days when I'm so tired I don't think I can make it up off the couch to change the laundry, but I do? I know that is totally prayer giving me the energy. It's certainly not me!

I'll be in touch - God Bless -

Dina

She doesn't have any arms yet mom!

Ginger says this is why Charlie (our chihuahua) can't jump up onto my lap. I think it's funny.

So, can I say pain? Can I say liver pain? How weird is that to even type out, liver pain. I didn't even know your liver could hurt - so weird. This last week has been painful - living on pain meds, and finally, I think I found the right concoction - 1 pain pill + 2 Advil = BINGO!!! So I did that finally on Sunday and finally, I think I found some relief. I mean, I'm still functioning, I don't want to paint the picture that I'm just lying there in the recliner all day, snickering to myself in a pain med trance and randomly laughing at nothing, I kind of do that anyway (just not in a recliner) I am functioning just fine, it just hurts is all. But finally, relief. Today was monumental - just Advil this morning, and didn't need a pain pill till 1pm. Yipee!!!

Whenever you read anything, you obviously form a mental picture in your mind, and I guess I feel the need to let everyone know that throughout this whole ordeal, I was able to rest in the hospital, and then the weekend day or two upon my return from the hospital - but for the most part, I run around just like everyone else - taking my kids to school, Brittany to her functions, running errands, volunteering, etc. All my stuff and my life continues to happen - despite any 'procedure' I endure. Maybe a little slower at times, but I'm still behind the wheel of my minivan singing Christmas carols with my girls. And ya know what? That's exactly the way I like it. My mother likes to say 'take it easy on yourself' or 'you need to rest more and take care of yourself better' and I guess it's your mom's job to say these things - but, just because I am out being a mother, aunt, wife, friend, member of my community - doesn't mean that I'm NOT doing those things, ya know? I really had to think about this - I mean, I am very, very in tuned to my body - I think most cancer patients are - I know when I need to stop, I know when I need to rest - I know when I can push it a little further and when I can't - and I respect my body telling me these things - I have to, or the consequences could literally be fatal. But, I'm not going to stop living - not ever. And I guess I need to admit, right here, right now, that I am a hopeless night owl. I am my fathers daughter. I will stay up late watching the most ridiculous things on tv, just because. I have no reason for it, I think it's in my DNA. There - I said it - I feel much better now.

Got my Christmas cards out - which, becomes more and more important again as a cancer patient. If people you don't talk to on a regular basis not hear from me with the card, they may think I died or something. I'M STILL HERE!!! CHRISTMAS CARD CONFIRMS IT!!! And I'm so looking forward to watching my girls on Christmas morning. They are really getting it this year, and watching them watch Christmas come is by far one of the coolest parts about being a parent. We have lots of traditions we've started, maybe too many - we have our elf of course, Elfie. Then we do 'What God Wants For Christmas' which is an interactive nativity scene we do together as a family and it's so awesome in teaching my kids about the birth of Christ - I wrap Christmas books and we open one a night and we read it together by the tree, we sprinkle reindeer food on Christmas eve out in our front yard. Yes - I am Christmas CRAZY. And now my kids are too. Something must be working because I've caught PJ singing Christmas carols like 3 times already, and that NEVER happens. Welcome PJ - welcome, finally, to my madness. I ordered one of those microphones that plays Christmas music and also turns your voice in an elf voice - have you seen this thing??? It is hilarious - PJ and I haven't even shown it to the kids yet - I hid it in our closet and we were in there tonight playing with it - he was trying to sound all Barry White sexy in this elf voice, and I grabbed it and started saying 'I'm a chemo elf, my liver hurts' in this elf voice. Hilarious.

I digress - so now I wait to see if they scan me or not - I guess there is a possibility they will not, which wouldn't make much sense to me. How else would they know if this is still working or not? In any case, waiting to hear back from scheduling to book that next appt. Knowing I get a break brings me sweet peace. We need to allow my liver to heal and repair itself after these invasive procedures. Liver failure was always a possibility with quadrasphere, something I didn't mention before, but it was. Still is I guess since these chemo filled beads continue to release for 2 weeks following the procedure. But again, I am careful to respect my body and the messages it sends me on how to tend to it.

Each Christmas since my diagnosis means something different to me. I continue to grow in my relationship with Christ, and I continue to draw closer to my family, and what 'holidays' are really all about. I look back at Christmases past, and can totally see how I just didn't 'get' it then, but, in retrospect - I only knew what I knew. I was all about buying the right gift for the right person, going way overboard with my kids, making sure the pictures on my Christmas card were the best, and I would be so stressed, so pissed off all the time, rushing trying to get everything done, and just making everyone miserable around me - only to lead up to Christmas morning and suddenly just expect everyone to 'hurry up and enjoy this!!! it's Christmas!!' And, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I used to really be concerned what people were getting me for Christmas! Now, I don't have this mastered yet, I'm still a work in progress, but this year I'm just so excited to be with my family. I look at my kids faces, I look into the eyes of my husband, I hold my mothers hand in mine, and I know it sounds corny, but I'm just so blessed to be in their presence - to spend Christmas with each other - and share food, smiles, tears, gifts, love, each other - that is what I am just so excited about. I just love Christmas, and each year, the reason is just a little different, a little deeper from the year before. Sounds like a God thing to me.

Merry Christmas

Dina

Oy, my liver - that smarts!!

Well, 2nd quadrasphere is done. I have to say that I was really glad that I knew what to expect this time, and super glad I was put under for it as well. However, wanna hear something ironic? Remember the whole morphine pump that was supposed to make everything better? Well, it works much better if its plugged in. Can you believe it? I really think this is hysterical to be honest. There I am, pushing this button, like 4-5 times, not hearing anything, and nothing happening because, you got it, it wasn't plugged in. So, once we got that figured out, then it did seem to help me quite a bit, however, everytime I would wake up out of a morphine sleep, I'd feel really great and rested, then immediately have to throw up. So I once again was sick like, 3-4 times this time again. But again, I knew what this felt like, so I was ready for it, and moved right through it. I must admit as well, that I prayed all the way through these moments too, something I didn't do last time because I was way too scared. This too helped. By Fri morning, I knew I had to switch from Morphine to Percocet - and that seemed to do the trick. No more throwing up, thank God. Now, the pain, the liver pain I'm experiencing this time, is much more intense than the last time, so I am trying to manage that.





Also, this is strange, but everything I drink tastes sugary - makes sense I guess considering what the function of your liver is - I just think it's so interesting how this organ, and having major trauma happen to it, can effect your overall body operation. Managing this pain has been a challenge this weekend, a real challenge. My husband, children, niece, mother and friends who have watched my kids and fed me have literally been a God send. Where would I be without these gifts God as given me?





I'm going to try to get back into the saddle again tomorrow, but I am still not moving around real fast yet, which is just real frustrating. The deal is now that I will go back in a month, get scanned, see what the deal is, and 'take a break' which, is fine w/ me. I will welcome a break, if it is safe for me to do so. My doc says we need to be careful not to hit the liver to hard too fast because of the possibility of liver failure, minor detail. I just want this thing gone. I'm so over this.





So I've heard from Rep Paul Gosar, and Senator John Kyl, and Senator John McCain kinda blew me off. But the other two are going to bat for me, and I'm thrilled. I keep praying that I will continue to receive this ground breaking treatment, and stay with this awesome team of people who just seem so focused on fighting this thing with me. I get such an 'army' feeling from them, ready to conquer this on my behalf.





I'm fading a bit now, but wanted to check in and let everyone know I am ok, and am adequately medicated, oh my am I medicated. I'll write more later this week.





God Bless -





Dina