Wire Hanger Shoulders

This seems to be where I am carrying all my stress as of late. In my shoulders - ever feel like there is a wire hanger strewn through your shoulders? That's exactly how I feel lately. I'm blessed that my cancer is stable - but I do need to keep in mind that it's not gone, it's just not growing. So the attention I need to pay to my own physical and mental well being is essential - but wow - that doesn't mean the world stops while I tend to these things. Wish it did. Wouldn't that be awesome? I would put a huge red button in my minivan - right next to my cell phone compartment - and I could press it when I wanted everything to stop - just stop so I could catch my breath, finish my thought, listen to a song, breathe deeply, or yes, curse out the many idiots that drive around this town that go 10 miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason whatsoever. But no - no button.

PJ and I asked my mom to move up here, in with us. It's not safe for her to be by herself, and it's just the right thing to do. My words came back to me this week - an exchange I had with Madeline last year sometime, where she was given a toy by her Sunday school teacher that they thought was hers - and it wasn't. I made her take it back and she didn't want to - for obvious reasons. I looked at her and said - "the right thing to do is sometimes the hardest thing to do - that's why not many people do the right thing". I have no idea where this came from - but I was blessed to say this - and now, well, I'm trying to do the right thing. I have these visions of our house turning into the house in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory where we live in this tiny little house and we all sleep together in the great big bed. Creepy. But we need to get the clearance from the pulmonologist (sp?) as I don't want the altitude to make her worse - gotta make sure it's safe. Then to boot - PJ's mom is now homeless for some reason and wanted to move in with us as well. WTF?? We don't have a lot here - we have this small 1600 sqft home in Dewey Az - where are we supposed to put all these people? We are fun people, yea, but we aren't THAT fun! Maybe we are - hmmmm. I will try to be less fun. There is WAY too much background to go into about PJ's mom - let me just say that no, we didn't offer, we don't have room - we can't. End of story.

I'm up to my eyeballs in legal paperwork for my mom and for Brittany. I know what to do - just trying to find the time to do it all is my problem of late. On the good side, watching Brittany take flight in some of these fabulous programs up here has been very rewarding. It's like she's finding out who she is - pretty awesome.

I sat with my mom at her dr appt on Tues and she had the guts to ask the scary questions. The 'am I going to die' question and the 'how much time do I have' question. Ironically, he didn't have any answer - which is so true - because as he said 'only the man upstairs knows when it is our time' - refreshing. However, he said that with my mothers type of cancer the survival rate at the time of diagnosis was 12 months - that was 3 years ago - so there you go. I heard this as a good thing, but I'm not sure how my mom heard this information. Surreal. I was trying to tell PJ that I need to distance myself emotionally from this in order to function within this situation. The moment I let myself connect to the 'feeling' my mother is possibly experiencing I completely fall apart - I put myself in her position and I remember, quite vividly that fearful state of mind. If I allow myself to go there and actually feel what she is feeling, I lose myself completely. So I stay focused on just being there for her - not taking over, just being there. Needless to say - I am praying a LOT lately. Well, I pray a lot anyway - my prayers are just more specific as of late.

One cool thing that happened recently is I have been invited to audition to sing with the contemporary band at my church. Now, it has been a LONG time before I felt excited like this about anything. I felt like I used to feel when I would get the part I wanted in a play or musical I auditioned for - just super excited and like a little kid. Now I don't know what will come of this, but I can't tell you how excited I am to just be asked, and to get the opportunity to go sing with people I have the utmost admiration for - pretty frickin cool. I audition tomorrow, so excited.

My pneumonia is 90% gone according to my doctor at CTCA. He gave me a month leash and I'll go back middle of next month for another xray. I've been back on the antibiotics they had me on before, and I am feeling better. Still some tightness in my right side, but better. Had my 3rd and final tattooing done on Tues so we will make sure that heals and then I should be all done with my reconstruction. Yipee!!!! I really love my new boobies. They are super terrific. PJ seems to agree as well ;-)

I've lost 21 lbs now - feeling so frickin awesome and confident. Getting back to exercising now and eating better, making better choices. Feels so good.

That's it for now. Have to share this amazing God moment - I had recently picked up a prayer book for a friend of mine and was flipping through it before I wrapped it up to give to her. I automatically turn to a prayer called 'Hospitality' - and it has this beautiful prayer then related it back to this verse, Romans 12:13: 'When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.' Sometimes we just need to forge ahead in this life - look ahead and just do it. Just frickin do it. Don't hesitate, don't doubt, don't bitch, don't think 'what if', don't second guess - just do it. This is what we must do.

God Bless -