Had my first 'fill' today - very interesting. Veronica, one of my most favorite nurses of all time, comes in with this Tom & Jerry looking syringe - I'm telling you this thing was huge. 2 of them - 50cc of saline in each boob. She takes this stud finder thingy to find where the port is in the expander then inserts the needle and slowly pushes the saline in. She's gabbing away about this and that like it's no big deal and I'm lying there looking down at my chest as if a huge cockroach is sitting on it. Didn't hurt, at all really. Bled a little, but the needle was surprisingly small. Well, there's still little to no feeling at all in my chest area so who knows if it was small or I just couldn't feel anything. Either was is fine w/ me actually. What I did feel as I was driving back was cold. I felt a coldness on my chest. I wonder if the saline was cold and it just would take time for my own body temp to warm it up? That logically makes sense to me - who knows. Thank you to my mom for letting me stop by and giving me some ibuprofen amongst other things. What an angel.
All in all it was a pretty good couple of days. It felt good to finally get some sleep, and to get back to my somewhat normal routine. I think the down time got the best of me this weekend. I suppose that's normal. Then, as simple as this sounds, if I don't get enough sleep lately - it really effects my mood, and my perspective. I know, this is normal of all people, but I am especially in tune to this for me because I can feel the difference it makes in my way of thinking. The amount of sleep and rest I give my body has a direct effect on my perspective and outlook each day. Right? Wrong? Not sure. Just the way it seems to be. In any case, it is making me much more aware of the time I take to myself. I guess that's a good thing. It's hard enough with 2 small children to get a full nights sleep (what is that exactly?) then to juggle this other crap too - well, it's a challenge. Sleep aids are starting to be needed. Guess there are worse things I could be taking.
Ginger is doing fine. I went ahead and made an appointment for her to see a pediatric neurologist next month. I just want to make sure that everything is ok. I want someone who sees this kind of stuff every day to look at her and tell me what my pediatrician is telling me - that it's nothing. I'm just going to stay focused on that, and pray for it to be nothing. It's these exact times that it is especially difficult for me to put all of this in God's hands. These are the moments where I really wish I could control everything and have a hand in how everything is supposed to work. Fact is, I am merely her mother - put on this earth to care for her. She is God's child, and He will help her more than I could ever imagine. Wow, that's a tough one to swallow on it's own, harder when there could be a potential problem. Keep praying.
So, isn't it funny that my CT scan is scheduled for May 14th - the day we go camping for the first time as a family. We are literally going to pack the car up for a weekends camping trip that Friday, stop off for mom's CT scan, then head to the campground. The one thing I find myself concerned with is the gas caused by the barium solution I have to drink and how that might play out on our camping trip. Yes, that is what I'm worried about. Go figure.
Well, I'm off to bed due to the whole 'need more sleep' kick I am on now. I have to say that I pondered much today in my quiet drive to and from Phx for my fill appointment today. Anyone who has taken this drive lately from Prescott to Phx must have seen the absolute gorgeous area by sunset point. It is especially beautiful heading back up to Prescott on I17 - right after the switchbacks, right when you hit that clearing - it is a sea of yellow flowers - it goes on and on and it absolutely breathtaking. I was reminded not only of how beautiful it can be here, but how beautiful and full my life is. I am blessed with a wonderful family that takes such awesome care of me, two beautiful children who keep me in awe, a husband who is my very best friend in the whole world, a mother who is my best friend and loves me unconditionally, a father whom I cherish dearly, the wife of my father who not only has been a second mother to me, but who has showered me and my children with her love and support in ways I cannot begin to describe, the most loving circle of friends and church families that have embraced me and lifted me up when I couldn't lift my chin up off the ground. How very blessed I am to have these things. Most people don't get to experience half of the goodness of people I have been able to experience - for that, I will be ever grateful and a changed person. A simple sea of yellow flowers brought forth in me the goodness of all who surround me - and that, is priceless. Another tool for my back pocket - when I get down, I just think of the sea of flowers, and as hokey as it sounds, it warms my heart.
God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sometimes, you just gotta cry like a girl.
Had a weekend all to ourselves this weekend. My choice actually. PJ and I switched desks, which gave him lots of manly 'moving' time - which he desperately needed and deserved. Sometimes I think though, when I stay home and don't go out and do anything at all, it does me a disservice. I think it can work to my disadvantage. In other words, I get to thinking too much, which for me, can be dangerous.
Before I get into that, let me also say that Ginger had another seizure Sat night. It happened when we were trying to wrangle them into bed in the evening, as the girls share a room and have taken to 'playing' when it is bedtime. Cute, I suppose, but it gets old real quick. So PJ went into their room around 8:25pm and told Ginger to get back into bed, she scurried along to do so, hopped up in bed, looked at him in the face, then looked slightly above his head, zoned out, and fell back into a seizure. I heard him call me through the monitor, I ran in, grabbed her up into my arms with her head on my shoulder, and began rubbing her back, telling her to breathe and that mommy was right here, watching the clock. I could feel her little body seizing, but only for a minute or so, then she started to come back to me. I could literally feel this happen in my arms. I eventually, after about 15-20 minutes, got her to respond to me - she picked at my cross I wear around my neck, I got her to say 'please' for some milk - so I knew she was back. From where - don't know. I don't know how these are triggered. Everything keeps telling me it's due to a spike in fever - but she was fine, and when she woke up this morning (from my side in my bed of course) she was fine. You never would have known this happened. What is happening???? If she was sick, then I guess it would make more sense, but she isn't! The seizure fits the profile I suppose, (a febrile seizure) but the cause doesn't so we find ourselves very frustrated, and scared quite frankly. I must say God's divine hand has been with us whenever this has happened (this is seizure #4 mind you) that we are always with her, we always are present, and she always comes out of it fine. Thank you Jesus. I mean, considering what we have had going on during her short little life, and how many people have come to watch her - the fact that this happens when we are here and with her is a blessing. Truly. I laid there in bed with her last night, watching her belly go up and down with each breath, and asked God to please take care of her. Please. It is so helpless to hold this little person and know you just have to wait it out - and pray that the seizure isn't too long. We are at a loss. So frustrating.
I haven't been feeling well however, since my calcium infusion this past Wed. Coincidence? Not sure. But I feel like I've had chronic heartburn. I did feel sick right when they started my infusion, and I'm not really sure why. Feeling nauseous here and there. Again, not sure why. I'm not on my cycle of chemo pills either, so this really doesn't make sense. Of course, when I don't feel well, I pic everything apart and convince myself this is cancer and it's killing me. It is so hard NOT to do this - because, well, I'm kinda living it everyday here. Especially while I take this medication that we all are praying does what it needs to do. It's almost like whenever I get myself on a real high, positive note - something happens to try to tear me down. Why is that do you suppose? I mean, if you read my posts from last week it sounds like a completely different person, right? Yet this afternoon I find myself needing some quiet time where I literally sat on my bed, prayed and cried for about a half hour. It was extremely cleansing, and I realized I hadn't allowed myself that time all week, but also very frustrating to be in such a dark place again. I prayed, I did some of my Avatar exercises - and it helped. But I still don't feel real great tonight, and just want to sleep. And I've been just thinking about Ginger too all day. Madeline asked me 'is Ginger done with her seizure mom? what is a seizure?' Ever tried explaining what a seizure is to a 4 year old? Trust me, not fun.
Fighting the insurance company too with my pills. Seems they don't make a generic of it (of course not) and low and behold, I have a cap on name brand prescriptions. Didn't know that. I mean, I'm sure I looked at that when I signed up for this coverage, which isn't bad coverage really for an individual plan, but I'm sure I looked at that and thought 'well, if I get a prescription for a drug and they don't have a generic, then I won't take it!' I never in a million years would have thought I needed to have a pill form of chemotherapy. So, my insurance company said they could offer me coverage in another one of their plans that doesn't have this cap, but that would mean reunderwriting me. Excuse me? What am I an idiot? I HAVE CANCER? Gee, think my premium will go UP if they decide to 'reunderwrite' me? My application looks a bit different now than it did back when I signed up for this plan in 2008. Arg. So now we go back to the drug manufacturer and see if we can get them to give me financial aid. They want my tax returns and everything, seriously. Please pray for this - my cap is coming up here soon. Hmmmm, wonder why I'm not feeling well lately, eh? DUH!
So, sorry to be such a downer this evening. I think I'm going to fix myself a cup of tea and go to bed. Sometimes sleep is all I really need, and I didn't get much of that at all this week. I had to go to Jeremiah 29:11 tonight - that verse always calms me and gives me such peace - so I will share it here.
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
God Bless -
Before I get into that, let me also say that Ginger had another seizure Sat night. It happened when we were trying to wrangle them into bed in the evening, as the girls share a room and have taken to 'playing' when it is bedtime. Cute, I suppose, but it gets old real quick. So PJ went into their room around 8:25pm and told Ginger to get back into bed, she scurried along to do so, hopped up in bed, looked at him in the face, then looked slightly above his head, zoned out, and fell back into a seizure. I heard him call me through the monitor, I ran in, grabbed her up into my arms with her head on my shoulder, and began rubbing her back, telling her to breathe and that mommy was right here, watching the clock. I could feel her little body seizing, but only for a minute or so, then she started to come back to me. I could literally feel this happen in my arms. I eventually, after about 15-20 minutes, got her to respond to me - she picked at my cross I wear around my neck, I got her to say 'please' for some milk - so I knew she was back. From where - don't know. I don't know how these are triggered. Everything keeps telling me it's due to a spike in fever - but she was fine, and when she woke up this morning (from my side in my bed of course) she was fine. You never would have known this happened. What is happening???? If she was sick, then I guess it would make more sense, but she isn't! The seizure fits the profile I suppose, (a febrile seizure) but the cause doesn't so we find ourselves very frustrated, and scared quite frankly. I must say God's divine hand has been with us whenever this has happened (this is seizure #4 mind you) that we are always with her, we always are present, and she always comes out of it fine. Thank you Jesus. I mean, considering what we have had going on during her short little life, and how many people have come to watch her - the fact that this happens when we are here and with her is a blessing. Truly. I laid there in bed with her last night, watching her belly go up and down with each breath, and asked God to please take care of her. Please. It is so helpless to hold this little person and know you just have to wait it out - and pray that the seizure isn't too long. We are at a loss. So frustrating.
I haven't been feeling well however, since my calcium infusion this past Wed. Coincidence? Not sure. But I feel like I've had chronic heartburn. I did feel sick right when they started my infusion, and I'm not really sure why. Feeling nauseous here and there. Again, not sure why. I'm not on my cycle of chemo pills either, so this really doesn't make sense. Of course, when I don't feel well, I pic everything apart and convince myself this is cancer and it's killing me. It is so hard NOT to do this - because, well, I'm kinda living it everyday here. Especially while I take this medication that we all are praying does what it needs to do. It's almost like whenever I get myself on a real high, positive note - something happens to try to tear me down. Why is that do you suppose? I mean, if you read my posts from last week it sounds like a completely different person, right? Yet this afternoon I find myself needing some quiet time where I literally sat on my bed, prayed and cried for about a half hour. It was extremely cleansing, and I realized I hadn't allowed myself that time all week, but also very frustrating to be in such a dark place again. I prayed, I did some of my Avatar exercises - and it helped. But I still don't feel real great tonight, and just want to sleep. And I've been just thinking about Ginger too all day. Madeline asked me 'is Ginger done with her seizure mom? what is a seizure?' Ever tried explaining what a seizure is to a 4 year old? Trust me, not fun.
Fighting the insurance company too with my pills. Seems they don't make a generic of it (of course not) and low and behold, I have a cap on name brand prescriptions. Didn't know that. I mean, I'm sure I looked at that when I signed up for this coverage, which isn't bad coverage really for an individual plan, but I'm sure I looked at that and thought 'well, if I get a prescription for a drug and they don't have a generic, then I won't take it!' I never in a million years would have thought I needed to have a pill form of chemotherapy. So, my insurance company said they could offer me coverage in another one of their plans that doesn't have this cap, but that would mean reunderwriting me. Excuse me? What am I an idiot? I HAVE CANCER? Gee, think my premium will go UP if they decide to 'reunderwrite' me? My application looks a bit different now than it did back when I signed up for this plan in 2008. Arg. So now we go back to the drug manufacturer and see if we can get them to give me financial aid. They want my tax returns and everything, seriously. Please pray for this - my cap is coming up here soon. Hmmmm, wonder why I'm not feeling well lately, eh? DUH!
So, sorry to be such a downer this evening. I think I'm going to fix myself a cup of tea and go to bed. Sometimes sleep is all I really need, and I didn't get much of that at all this week. I had to go to Jeremiah 29:11 tonight - that verse always calms me and gives me such peace - so I will share it here.
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
God Bless -
Monday, April 19, 2010
Yes - These Are My Booblets.
This is just the most perfect term to date - booblets. PJ used this term this weekend, 'look at your little booblets!'. Perfect, that is exactly what they are. 1/2 done. We'll see how long it will take me to go the rest of the way fill wise. I'm thinking six weeks if we do 50 cc's each time. Wow. That would be quite the 4th of July celebration, no? I'm having visions of the Fembots from the Austin Powers movie. Awesome.
So, the weekend was good. Nice to be home w/ the family and not have to do or be anywhere. I of course, can't sit still for long, so I found myself running errands on Sat then got to spend some time w/ my nieces from Flagstaff. They were lovely enough to wash my cars for me - what a blessing. We had a nice time.
I also got to spend 2 uninterrupted hours at a coffee shop with my Daddy. Had the best time. It's funny, he always opens with 'what's up?' and I'll explain to him that nothing is really UP I just wanted to hang with him. Then he starts talking and talking and it is such a joy to listen to him, spend time with him. He and I are very much alike - we don't like sitting still for too long. So it's difficult to pin him down like this - so when I do, it is such a blessing.
I found myself having a revelation of sorts while we were talking. I've spoken before about how I'll be in a great mood then sometimes get sucked in by others 'concern' for me. Well, I took it a step further and realized, for myself that is, that life just goes on - whether my cancer has reappeared or not, and I'm not going to sit here and wait around to see if the medication works before I start living my life again - that just doesn't make sense. First of all, I know, in the bottom of my soul, this is working. But that is beside the fact - my point is I guess, is I'm not going to waste my time waiting for anything - I decide how to spend my time, I decide what I am going to experience and how I am going to experience it, therefore, I'm not going to let this or anything about it define me any longer. I feel like the first part of my cancer journey was really that, living from one test to the next - now, because of this recent re occurrence, I think I finally get it - I'm living to live now. I don't know what lies ahead, nobody does, but I can pray, and trust in Him, and continue being the person I love to be. The person I was born to be, the person I was created to be. That is way more fun than sitting around in some doomy gloomy mood WAITING for something to happen. I can go out and make things happen. I decide. Pretty cool, eh? I thought so anyway.
Had my Stephen Ministry class today and I'm am just getting so excited to be this person for someone going through something difficult. I'm so honored to be a part of this awesome ministry and can't wait to get out there and help others. Just found out they will make us official (my whole class) on Sunday June 6th - what an honor. Yipee!!!
Well, believe it or not, I haven't eater dinner yet and I need to take my chemo pills - so I best get on this now. Here are some pics of the booblets - enjoy, and God Bless.
So, the weekend was good. Nice to be home w/ the family and not have to do or be anywhere. I of course, can't sit still for long, so I found myself running errands on Sat then got to spend some time w/ my nieces from Flagstaff. They were lovely enough to wash my cars for me - what a blessing. We had a nice time.
I also got to spend 2 uninterrupted hours at a coffee shop with my Daddy. Had the best time. It's funny, he always opens with 'what's up?' and I'll explain to him that nothing is really UP I just wanted to hang with him. Then he starts talking and talking and it is such a joy to listen to him, spend time with him. He and I are very much alike - we don't like sitting still for too long. So it's difficult to pin him down like this - so when I do, it is such a blessing.
I found myself having a revelation of sorts while we were talking. I've spoken before about how I'll be in a great mood then sometimes get sucked in by others 'concern' for me. Well, I took it a step further and realized, for myself that is, that life just goes on - whether my cancer has reappeared or not, and I'm not going to sit here and wait around to see if the medication works before I start living my life again - that just doesn't make sense. First of all, I know, in the bottom of my soul, this is working. But that is beside the fact - my point is I guess, is I'm not going to waste my time waiting for anything - I decide how to spend my time, I decide what I am going to experience and how I am going to experience it, therefore, I'm not going to let this or anything about it define me any longer. I feel like the first part of my cancer journey was really that, living from one test to the next - now, because of this recent re occurrence, I think I finally get it - I'm living to live now. I don't know what lies ahead, nobody does, but I can pray, and trust in Him, and continue being the person I love to be. The person I was born to be, the person I was created to be. That is way more fun than sitting around in some doomy gloomy mood WAITING for something to happen. I can go out and make things happen. I decide. Pretty cool, eh? I thought so anyway.
Had my Stephen Ministry class today and I'm am just getting so excited to be this person for someone going through something difficult. I'm so honored to be a part of this awesome ministry and can't wait to get out there and help others. Just found out they will make us official (my whole class) on Sunday June 6th - what an honor. Yipee!!!
Well, believe it or not, I haven't eater dinner yet and I need to take my chemo pills - so I best get on this now. Here are some pics of the booblets - enjoy, and God Bless.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I'll take Bruising over Beefy
My chest now has a layer of yellow bruising covering it. Mostly in the center of by breast bone. But, it still looks pretty good. Better then the yukky 'beefy' wounds I had way back when. This is much better, so glad to be in this position. Feel ok, but I get so tired and sore at night. I haven't taken anything but Advil until the evening when the girls go to sleep, then I'll take a percocet. I am pretty sore by that time. And, this is weird, my right side kinda sloshes - yea, sloshes. Doc said on Tues it was because I had some fluid build up there, but he wasn't worried and feels my body will take care of this on its own. Guess if I pee more than usual I see if I still squish. I look like I have half boobs - it's really strange. This will be a very interesting process of filling them up each week.
Started back on my chemo pills today, and I guess I'm ok with this. I mean, I'm glad to be taking them again, but sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting to see how I'm going to feel. I get a little fuzzy brain - chemo brain I used to call it - could this be the pills or am I just healing from surgery still or am I just trying to get back to my 'mom' role? Or is it all 3? Don't know - but I can honestly say I've been in a funk of sorts the past couple days, and I think that is because I've been on this whirlwind of experiences that I haven't had time to stop and breathe a moment. I went from learning about the small recurrence on my liver, to changing meds, to Santa Fe, to coming home, to surgery, to now trying to incorporate all this and getting back to 'normal' - whatever that is. Sometimes I think I am trying so hard to be present and apply all that I've learned from all these experiences and people that I end up in this daze. Also, this Santa Fe trip really drained us - I mean, 12 days ANYWHERE is expensive - we just don't have this kind of extra 'cash' around ya know? I don't regret going, not in the least, this pay period has just been super super tight. That always puts an extra dash of 'yuk' into your daily mood too ya know? It's funny though learning what you need to live on, and it really isn't as much as we all think it is is it? I am very grateful God has pulled us through this time, as He has done many times before, with just enough for all of us.
I have my MOPS meeting tomorrow and my oncologist is coming to speak about breast cancer. I can't wait to show her off to everyone. Gotta rise a bit early, although Ginger has been an awesome alarm clock lately. OH - thought I would share some pics from my Santa Fe trip - these came out so great, enjoy & God Bless.
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Sunday, April 11, 2010
Ta Da!!!! Cleavage!!!!
So today was the unveiling of my chest and I have to say, it looks, if I do say so myself, quite beautiful. I don't know what I was expecting, more blood and redness maybe? But the incision are exactly the same place they were before, there is obviously some yellow bruising on my breast bone in the center, but yes! We have little bumps of cleavage. I already feel pretty, as silly as that sounds. I didn't dose a full day on my pain meds just half, but was dosed during church this morning which was weird. And - drum roll please? I took a shower this evening. AAAahhhhhh. Lovely. I feel good, really good, and just know this is right. I guess I always knew that my gut told me to go through with the reconstruction, but I have to say, today? I'm sooooo happy that I did. What a huge difference. (and huger as soon as the fills start)
It's funny, I have had so much going on, if people that I occasionally run into haven't read my blog, I'm finding that I have a lot of explaining to do, or catching them up actually. I tell people I had more surgery and they are all "oh, I'm sorry" then I'm all " NO! It's my reconstruction! I'm getting my boobies back!" which then creates this new layer of awkwardness if it's a man I'm talking to - but oh well. Then the news of my new meds and that creates this layer of pity which I just want to kick to the curb. I'm fine - it's working. I know when I say this however, I can feel people retreat into this 'that's just what she has to tell herself' kind of attitude. Well, no one knows what this feels like except me - and I have to say, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. It's exhilarating. I'm the happiest I've ever been ironically.
My wonderful hubby is sleeping on the couch, and I am slowly fading (thank you percocet) but need to close with a sentiment from Pastor George's message this morning. He said when there is love, there is no room for fear. It is impossible to feel both at the same time. That is exactly what I have been feeling for weeks now - consistently - love. Thanks Be To God. I'll post some pics this week of my cleavage bumps, it is truly amazing. I would have done it tonight, but my PJ is too cute sleeping right now. ;-)
God Bless and have a great week -
It's funny, I have had so much going on, if people that I occasionally run into haven't read my blog, I'm finding that I have a lot of explaining to do, or catching them up actually. I tell people I had more surgery and they are all "oh, I'm sorry" then I'm all " NO! It's my reconstruction! I'm getting my boobies back!" which then creates this new layer of awkwardness if it's a man I'm talking to - but oh well. Then the news of my new meds and that creates this layer of pity which I just want to kick to the curb. I'm fine - it's working. I know when I say this however, I can feel people retreat into this 'that's just what she has to tell herself' kind of attitude. Well, no one knows what this feels like except me - and I have to say, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. It's exhilarating. I'm the happiest I've ever been ironically.
My wonderful hubby is sleeping on the couch, and I am slowly fading (thank you percocet) but need to close with a sentiment from Pastor George's message this morning. He said when there is love, there is no room for fear. It is impossible to feel both at the same time. That is exactly what I have been feeling for weeks now - consistently - love. Thanks Be To God. I'll post some pics this week of my cleavage bumps, it is truly amazing. I would have done it tonight, but my PJ is too cute sleeping right now. ;-)
God Bless and have a great week -
Friday, April 9, 2010
Happy Birthday Boob Blog!!!
My blog is a year old today. Can you believe it? A year ago, April 9th, was my first post. Wow. I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe how much has happened in a year - can you? I mean, to quickly recap - excisional biopsy, breast cancer diagnosis, stage IV diagnosis, surgery for port placement, 6 months of chemotherapy, oopherectomy, double mastectomy w/ reconstruction, cancer free, expander removal, cancer return so switch in medication, new expander placement. Whew! And I thought I was busy BEFORE cancer. Hmpf.
Surgery went great today and for some reason I am wide awake right now while everyone else sleeps. He was able to fill them up a little more than half way, no drains (thank you Jesus), and here's the exciting part - my mummy wrap can come off on Sunday!!! Yipeee!!! That means not only will I be able to breathe and move around better, it means I'll be able to shower. Ahhhh.
I was in such a good place about this, just so confident, happy, content, relaxed. I made a HUGE difference. I know this is because of my continued growing faith and also because of the work I did in NM. My outlook on this is so completely different. So good. So positive. I can tell it makes others a bit uncomfortable at times, but it feels so right to me. Something has clicked for me in the best way possible. Hard to explain, for YAY!
My dearest friend Sarah brought me and my family dinner tonight and it was just the perfect thing for us. It was delicious and I can't explain (I know I've said this before) how much it helps to not have to stress about what I'm going to fix my family (or what I can instruct my husband to fix my family which is sometimes more stressful). What a community of friends, I am so blessed.
When we arrived at the hospital today we were asked to write a check for the dreaded $2400. I was prepared to work out a pay plan and give them $100 but they didn't quite go for that. Who can write a check for $2400? I know that I owe the deductible for the new year, I'm not saying I don't, I just wish they could have been more flexible. So, thank God my mother was there, she paid the minimum deposit, I wrote her a check to reimburse her for that next week then we are just going to have to suck it up and pay the rest of it in two installments. Bye Bye summer vacation. Oh well, this is what I'm getting disability for I suppose, and once it's paid, it's paid for the year - considering I have 2 more surgeries coming up this year, I'm just glad it will be done and out of the way. I was not about to walk into this surgery in tears, and I almost let myself go there. But I caught myself, prayed, created something different and so it's done and over with. Arg.
My throat is hurting something wicked - maybe because they had some sort of tongue depressor on it during my surgery? I don't know, feels like post nasal drip so I am going to have some ice cream (am I making an excuse to have ice cream? perhaps.....) I just want something cold to sooth my throat. Hurts to swallow. Hate that.
I came home to my girls, especially Madeline, waiting on me hand and foot, handing me toy after toy to make we feel better, trying to squeeze herself into the chair next to me. She even flushed the toilet for me. She is, my guardian angel. So amazing.
Have a lovely weekend all, God Bless -
Surgery went great today and for some reason I am wide awake right now while everyone else sleeps. He was able to fill them up a little more than half way, no drains (thank you Jesus), and here's the exciting part - my mummy wrap can come off on Sunday!!! Yipeee!!! That means not only will I be able to breathe and move around better, it means I'll be able to shower. Ahhhh.
I was in such a good place about this, just so confident, happy, content, relaxed. I made a HUGE difference. I know this is because of my continued growing faith and also because of the work I did in NM. My outlook on this is so completely different. So good. So positive. I can tell it makes others a bit uncomfortable at times, but it feels so right to me. Something has clicked for me in the best way possible. Hard to explain, for YAY!
My dearest friend Sarah brought me and my family dinner tonight and it was just the perfect thing for us. It was delicious and I can't explain (I know I've said this before) how much it helps to not have to stress about what I'm going to fix my family (or what I can instruct my husband to fix my family which is sometimes more stressful). What a community of friends, I am so blessed.
When we arrived at the hospital today we were asked to write a check for the dreaded $2400. I was prepared to work out a pay plan and give them $100 but they didn't quite go for that. Who can write a check for $2400? I know that I owe the deductible for the new year, I'm not saying I don't, I just wish they could have been more flexible. So, thank God my mother was there, she paid the minimum deposit, I wrote her a check to reimburse her for that next week then we are just going to have to suck it up and pay the rest of it in two installments. Bye Bye summer vacation. Oh well, this is what I'm getting disability for I suppose, and once it's paid, it's paid for the year - considering I have 2 more surgeries coming up this year, I'm just glad it will be done and out of the way. I was not about to walk into this surgery in tears, and I almost let myself go there. But I caught myself, prayed, created something different and so it's done and over with. Arg.
My throat is hurting something wicked - maybe because they had some sort of tongue depressor on it during my surgery? I don't know, feels like post nasal drip so I am going to have some ice cream (am I making an excuse to have ice cream? perhaps.....) I just want something cold to sooth my throat. Hurts to swallow. Hate that.
I came home to my girls, especially Madeline, waiting on me hand and foot, handing me toy after toy to make we feel better, trying to squeeze herself into the chair next to me. She even flushed the toilet for me. She is, my guardian angel. So amazing.
Have a lovely weekend all, God Bless -
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How's Your Liver?
Ahhhhhhh - home sweet home. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be home. My awesome husband greeted me in Flagstaff and then we went and had a nice cheap lunch together and just talked. I missed him so much. Came home to my girls and to have them come running into the living room to greet me yelling "mama!!!" was just about the most awesome feeling in the world. Now of course, I'm being tested a bit by Madeline, I think this is her way of letting me know she didn't really appreciate me being away for so long, since she can't really figure out how to express that yet. But, it's all good - very good and I once again am reminded just how blessed I truly am. My family is my lifeline, and I know I don't want to be away from them again for that amount of time. It really was just too long, good, just too long.
Back into the swing of things, I had my pre-op yesterday and it all went great, we're set for surgery on Friday at 11am. My onc had me go in for a cbc yesterday too and that came out just great - so I am good to go. I'm so excited to get my boobies back (well, the beginning of them anyways). I do have one slight concern, my plastic surgeon had wicked bad allergies. When he came in to see me his eyes were all red and bloodshot and his nose was running, he looked absolutely miserable. I had these visions of him sneezing into my chest cavity. Gross, eh? So, I'm praying for his allergy relief as well as his guided hands. Seems he's gonna need one to have the other.
It's so funny to be back into life again after this 12 day reprieve - and getting to apply all that I have learned. I have this sense of confidence that I didn't have before, this renewed sense of me and this, well, inner confidence I lacked a bit before. I can't think of any other way to describe it. I can remember a time where I would be in a decent mood then be approached by someone with the concerned look on their face and the saddened sound in their voice when they would ask me 'Dina, how are you feeling?' I know they sincerely meant well, but they had this 'doom and gloom' sound to them, it was difficult not to get sucked into this. This happened today, twice actually, when people actually came up to ask me how my liver was. Isn't that a funny question? How's your liver? I wanted to look at them with this unruly look in my eyes and reply "Delicious! How's yours?" But thought that was perhaps a bit too bizarre. I guess I do need to clarify my cancer for those who may not know, or have forgotten. I mean, I didn't know before I was diagnosed - so here's a quick reminder. I do not have liver cancer! That is VERY different than what I have. I have breast cancer, that spread to my liver. Therefore, I have a very small breast cancer lesion ON my liver, it's not being generated from within my liver - if that makes any sense. Now, of course, anything bad going on with the liver is serious, I mean, it's a pretty important organ, but I truly believe as an absolute truth this medication is working or has already worked. I've never been able to come at this disease with the confidence and conviction I am right now. It just feels right. I feel right. Again, can't find any other way to explain it.
Started my new WOW class today and was blessed to listen to Pastor Mary preach the first hour. Her first hour for the session is about hearing God when he talks to you. I for one, am blessed enough to know that He speaks to me, quite often actually. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily 'to do' lists we don't hear him, but I believe He is in constant conversation with us. For me, I have to speak out loud to hear him talk back to me. (this proves to be entertaining for anyone driving next to me btw) It's almost like I get too stuck in my head otherwise. When I take the time to articulate an actual conversation, His responses come through loud and clear. His message to me, much like the one that was driven in my recent trip, is the following: personal responsibility, compassion, and service to others. This is what I want to strive to in my life - with His loving guidance. Seems like 3 simple phrases, right? That first one is a doosey - personal responsibility. Ouch. Yuk, right? So important though - to go deep within yourself and find what needs worked on, worked out, worked through with His guidance. Without doing this work on ourselves, we aren't in a great position for the other two, which are really the true reasons we are put here on this earth, in my opinion anyway. I want my life to reflect all of these things in the most respectful and meaningful way possible. For me, for my children. Heavy shit, right? Tell me.
Well, off I go to get some paperwork done this evening. My girls are listening to Billy Gillman as they fall asleep. I am so glad to finally be getting some use out of this cd. I bought this forever ago and wondered what the hell I was thinking. Now, it's the perfect music for my girls to fall asleep to. Just perfect. Good to hold onto things that spoke to you at one time, you never know when they will speak to you again in a completely different way.
God Bless -
Back into the swing of things, I had my pre-op yesterday and it all went great, we're set for surgery on Friday at 11am. My onc had me go in for a cbc yesterday too and that came out just great - so I am good to go. I'm so excited to get my boobies back (well, the beginning of them anyways). I do have one slight concern, my plastic surgeon had wicked bad allergies. When he came in to see me his eyes were all red and bloodshot and his nose was running, he looked absolutely miserable. I had these visions of him sneezing into my chest cavity. Gross, eh? So, I'm praying for his allergy relief as well as his guided hands. Seems he's gonna need one to have the other.
It's so funny to be back into life again after this 12 day reprieve - and getting to apply all that I have learned. I have this sense of confidence that I didn't have before, this renewed sense of me and this, well, inner confidence I lacked a bit before. I can't think of any other way to describe it. I can remember a time where I would be in a decent mood then be approached by someone with the concerned look on their face and the saddened sound in their voice when they would ask me 'Dina, how are you feeling?' I know they sincerely meant well, but they had this 'doom and gloom' sound to them, it was difficult not to get sucked into this. This happened today, twice actually, when people actually came up to ask me how my liver was. Isn't that a funny question? How's your liver? I wanted to look at them with this unruly look in my eyes and reply "Delicious! How's yours?" But thought that was perhaps a bit too bizarre. I guess I do need to clarify my cancer for those who may not know, or have forgotten. I mean, I didn't know before I was diagnosed - so here's a quick reminder. I do not have liver cancer! That is VERY different than what I have. I have breast cancer, that spread to my liver. Therefore, I have a very small breast cancer lesion ON my liver, it's not being generated from within my liver - if that makes any sense. Now, of course, anything bad going on with the liver is serious, I mean, it's a pretty important organ, but I truly believe as an absolute truth this medication is working or has already worked. I've never been able to come at this disease with the confidence and conviction I am right now. It just feels right. I feel right. Again, can't find any other way to explain it.
Started my new WOW class today and was blessed to listen to Pastor Mary preach the first hour. Her first hour for the session is about hearing God when he talks to you. I for one, am blessed enough to know that He speaks to me, quite often actually. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily 'to do' lists we don't hear him, but I believe He is in constant conversation with us. For me, I have to speak out loud to hear him talk back to me. (this proves to be entertaining for anyone driving next to me btw) It's almost like I get too stuck in my head otherwise. When I take the time to articulate an actual conversation, His responses come through loud and clear. His message to me, much like the one that was driven in my recent trip, is the following: personal responsibility, compassion, and service to others. This is what I want to strive to in my life - with His loving guidance. Seems like 3 simple phrases, right? That first one is a doosey - personal responsibility. Ouch. Yuk, right? So important though - to go deep within yourself and find what needs worked on, worked out, worked through with His guidance. Without doing this work on ourselves, we aren't in a great position for the other two, which are really the true reasons we are put here on this earth, in my opinion anyway. I want my life to reflect all of these things in the most respectful and meaningful way possible. For me, for my children. Heavy shit, right? Tell me.
Well, off I go to get some paperwork done this evening. My girls are listening to Billy Gillman as they fall asleep. I am so glad to finally be getting some use out of this cd. I bought this forever ago and wondered what the hell I was thinking. Now, it's the perfect music for my girls to fall asleep to. Just perfect. Good to hold onto things that spoke to you at one time, you never know when they will speak to you again in a completely different way.
God Bless -
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Me - Just better.....
So - this experience has been nothing but good from the looney point forward. I kinda learned who to stay away from, and then I just let myself go and experience these tools they have introduced and I have to say - this is some pretty cool sh*t. I know a lot of people have a lot of different opinions about this course I'm taking, so for the record, here's how I look at it:
I believe that God designed this world, it in many facets and intrical parts, with such intention - that even the cures to illnesses are all contained within its creation - we just have to find them. (if this sounds a lot like The Shack, its because it is). When God gave us free will, he designed us each with as much intensity and intricity as he did the rest of the world and all its creation. We decide how far we want to go to investigate this free will, and unleash all of its power placed by God within each of us. That's what I believe. (whew! I need a glass of wine after typing that)
That being said, I'm pretty amazed at what I am able to create. I think I always went through life reacting to all that happened to me. Maybe occasionally deciding I wasn't going to react a certain way, or allow another person to upset me, or something like that. But to learn I have the ability to do this every day - for always? Pretty cool.
I'm feeling really strong physically, a little tired as my brain doesn't seem to want to stop when my head hits the pillow, but strong. My onc is having me only take my pills for 4 days then she will check my blood counts, just to make sure I'm ready for my surgery. My counts were great when I took the full weeks dose before, so this won't be an issue. She is just playing it safe. Funny, I WANT to take the full dose, I WANT to take these pills as much as I possibly can, but I understand. I've also started taking the nausea pill an hour before the chemo pills, and that is helping a bunch.
I miss my husband and girls so much it hurts. I hear Ginger is now saying 'bless you' when you sneeze. How adorable. And Madeline got some 'resurrection eggs' from school she is going to explain to me. PJ said he thought they were going to be like 'freedom fries', like we weren't supposed to call them 'Easter eggs' but it was something totally different. So funny. I feel bad for missing these things as they happened, but then I know what I am accomplishing here is amazing stuff. Truly amazing. I will finish tomorrow, probably early as I seem to be ahead of everyone else (over achiever). Wish I could pop into a church for services tomorrow but the only ones around me are ginormous Catholic churches, which, even if I wanted to go to a catholic service I didn't bring proper attire to attend such a service. Looked for a Methodist church but none are walking distance. I hear a huge dog barking right now - from inside the hotel - is that normal? Hmmm.
Well, tired, must sleep. I'm going to bed and want to wish everyone a Happy Easter. I randomly (or not) turned to the following passage in my bible this evening, thought it was appropriate to share:
Ephesians 5:1-2
Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
God Bless -
I believe that God designed this world, it in many facets and intrical parts, with such intention - that even the cures to illnesses are all contained within its creation - we just have to find them. (if this sounds a lot like The Shack, its because it is). When God gave us free will, he designed us each with as much intensity and intricity as he did the rest of the world and all its creation. We decide how far we want to go to investigate this free will, and unleash all of its power placed by God within each of us. That's what I believe. (whew! I need a glass of wine after typing that)
That being said, I'm pretty amazed at what I am able to create. I think I always went through life reacting to all that happened to me. Maybe occasionally deciding I wasn't going to react a certain way, or allow another person to upset me, or something like that. But to learn I have the ability to do this every day - for always? Pretty cool.
I'm feeling really strong physically, a little tired as my brain doesn't seem to want to stop when my head hits the pillow, but strong. My onc is having me only take my pills for 4 days then she will check my blood counts, just to make sure I'm ready for my surgery. My counts were great when I took the full weeks dose before, so this won't be an issue. She is just playing it safe. Funny, I WANT to take the full dose, I WANT to take these pills as much as I possibly can, but I understand. I've also started taking the nausea pill an hour before the chemo pills, and that is helping a bunch.
I miss my husband and girls so much it hurts. I hear Ginger is now saying 'bless you' when you sneeze. How adorable. And Madeline got some 'resurrection eggs' from school she is going to explain to me. PJ said he thought they were going to be like 'freedom fries', like we weren't supposed to call them 'Easter eggs' but it was something totally different. So funny. I feel bad for missing these things as they happened, but then I know what I am accomplishing here is amazing stuff. Truly amazing. I will finish tomorrow, probably early as I seem to be ahead of everyone else (over achiever). Wish I could pop into a church for services tomorrow but the only ones around me are ginormous Catholic churches, which, even if I wanted to go to a catholic service I didn't bring proper attire to attend such a service. Looked for a Methodist church but none are walking distance. I hear a huge dog barking right now - from inside the hotel - is that normal? Hmmm.
Well, tired, must sleep. I'm going to bed and want to wish everyone a Happy Easter. I randomly (or not) turned to the following passage in my bible this evening, thought it was appropriate to share:
Ephesians 5:1-2
Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
God Bless -
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