Well, a lot has happened since my last post. My neurpathy did get bad - super bad - we took a break to let it wear off a bit, which it did, and I had planned our Disney trip during the time off I was going to have from chemo. Little did I know that I started to not feel well. Wasn't feeling well around the third week off. I mean, usually you give yourself a break and you start gaining your strength back, getting your energy back - me? No such luck. I was experiencing extreme fatigue and liver pain. So I called and they got me in straight away and we started treatment back up on June 1st. The good thing is my doc has decided to only give me 1/2 the dose of what I was receiving before. Trying to avoid the neuropathy issue again. I'm tolerating this dose much better. I've regained about 70% of the feeling back in my hands and feet - no longer having a problem with my arms, but my legs remain in a semi-numbed state. Strength wise though, I'm in a much better position . I do feel though that I'm nowhere as strong or as coordinated as I used to be, which is just, well, frustrating and scary at the same time. Not sure if that is the chemo (probably is) or the cancer. Sucks. But - to stay on the positive side, I am way better than I was - thank you Jesus. My eyelashes and eyebrows have all fallen out - so I officially look like Powder now, except with decent tits. Which no one is really looking at anyway because of the non-featuresque look of my face. My hand is much steadier now applying eyeliner and eyebrows - something I haven't done real well since, well, the last time I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Ugh. So I'm looking into permanent make-up - an entirely different world all together I'm finding. I don't want to look like Groucho Marks, and the pictures and people I have seen that have had eyebrows and eyeliner done, seem to resemble some sort of circus character. I had a consultation with a woman here locally who does it, and she seemed ok I guess. There were all these typos in her brochure though - and that concerned me. Should it? Does it make her less able to tattoo on a decent eyebrow if her brochure indicates her office is located in Prescott, AR rather than AZ? Not sure. Again, I'm venturing into uncharter waters here - we'll see what I decide.
I've got this weird chemo fuzz mixed with darker hair coming in on my head - I'm waititing to see what that turns into; and I do have eyelashes starting to grow in - they are white/blonde, but hairs nonetheless. I am torn whether to be excited about this - hair falling out means the chemo is doing what it is supposed to be doing (a myth really but it does bring a comforting false sense of hope) yet happpy about any chance to look and feel somewhat normal again. I think this sucks more the second time around - it makes me want to blend in even more the second time. Although I'm much less self conscience at the same time, which is such as oxymoron, right? I want to have hair and look normal even more than before, but could care less when I walk into a public place with my scarf on. Interesting.
I'm losing weight, which usually is great for me - but I think what I'm losing is muscle mass - because I totally have chalk board arms now - something I've never had! Ever! Going to try to work in some daily, gentle arm workouts each day. I need to do something.
So - back to my chemo getting underway sooner rather than later - get this - I had my second treatment in the cycle on Thurs the 7th, then had to drive down the next day for my Nulasta shot, came back that day and drove right to the Relay for Life where we stayed from 4:30 pm till 8:30 am the next day, came home and slept for 5 hours, left the next day to drive to Disneyland, arrived Sun evening, spend 12 hours at Disney on Monday - 11 hours at CA Adventure Park on Tues, Laguna Beach on Wed, drove back to AZ on Thurs, drove to Lolomai Springs the next day for Fathers Day weekend, back on Sunday, then drove Brittany to camp on Monday in Williams. I cannot even tell you what a great time we all had everywhere - especially Disneyland. First of all, it hasn't been just the 4 of us in quite awhile, and this gave us such a wonderful opportunity to bond as a family. I feel like I know my kids so much better now - what a gift. I did just fine too. We just made sure we took our time, didn't have a schedule and let the day unfold as it would before us. It was awesome. What a blessing this trip was for my family. I will be ever greatful to MOPS for sending me and my family on this trip. We created memories to last a lifetime, We never would have been able to afford this vacation otherwise - thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
So I was supposed to have treatment this past Fri but my platelets were not in a range that was safe - so no soup for me. His time - I know this - but frustrating nonetheles. Now I'm dealing with this leg pain that I thought was from wearing tennies, and walking so much, but it is still hanging around. Any kind of chronic pain scares me. I'll have my blood drawn again tomorrow and see where we are.
Speaking of scared, my mind just goes anywhere and everywhere these days. To a dark place, then I remember a scripture, so I say it out loud, then I'm fine. I just feel like I've lost my sense of humor, and my patience. I have to force myself to be more Christlike lately - which is something that came quite natural the first time around, not so much this time. I'm just too frickin serious lately!!!! I gotta lighten up!! Lord help me lighten up!!!
OH - I got the part. Can you believe it? I'm Miss Hannigan in the Prescott Center for the Arts production of Annie. I am sooooo excited I can't stand it. We open Sept 14th.
Well, I am falling asleep here, so its off to bed for me for now. Girls have swimming lessons in the am, then it's off to Williams to pick up Brittany. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,
God Bless -
Dina
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
