How Time Flies

Well, a lot has happened since late June.  I really need to be more diligent here, otherwise it's like when a cancer patient drops someone from their Christmas card list - everyone starts wondering: "Oh! - did she?"  No - I'm very much still alive and kicking.  Let's catch up a bit shall we?

Our summer was wicked busy - which was great.  The kids took swimming lessons then they each went to a week long day camp at the Nature Center up here in Prescott, and that was GREAT for each of them.  It was hot - but they also got to experience some monsoons first hand in the forest, pretty cool.  Point is, I kept my kids busy busy busy.  Then school started for Madeline first part of Aug.  She is a big 2nd grader now, I can't believe it, and just absolutely luvin it.  Granted they aren't sending home any homework till after Parent Night next week, so her tune may change a bit, but for now, she is happy as a clam.  Ginger will start 5 day pre-K at our church preschool after labor day weekend.  She is pretty excited too - but I think right now, she's just happy to spend one on one time w/ Mom and by herself.

My treatment has been going along status quo.  I am still on the 1/2 dose which is much more tolerable than the full dose, and my hairt did start growing back, thin but coming back, and I couldn't really tell if it was chemo hair or real hair of a mixture thereof.  So what do I decide to do to it?  Let's bleach it!  Yeah!  I've always wanted platinum blonde and this is just the PERFECT time to do THAT, right?  My awesome hairdresser did it - and did a fantastic job.  However, (you knew this was coming right?), now - it's falling out again.  My girls had put some semi-permanent pink color in, and to get it out, Grace had to bleach it twice - which I think was just too much for my head to take.  Thus, we are once again molting.  Also, I discovered that walking around town with my much needed freedom from scarves, I realized how much of a lesbian I looked like.  Jeans, light fashionable ladies flannel print button down, croc flip flops, and my spiked white hair.  I looked like a lesbian.  Not that there's anything WRONG with that, I mean, all I was missing was the Birkenstock (which are on sale now, hmmmmm).  Not quite the look I was going for.  But I got some cool comments too, Ginger called me a Rock Star, friends called me Anne Lennox, and the nice lady at the reception counter at the pediatricians office called me a grandma.  Needless to say, I've rethought this decision on more than one occasion.  Perhaps my hair falling out again now isn't necessarily a bad thing.  What I have realized though - is that I really miss my hair.  A lot.  I miss having hair.  I'm thinking of becoming a wig person.  I always have thought - everyone in this town already knows I have cancer and am bald, who am I trying to fool here?  Plus, don't I have to play the 'I'm bald and proud of it and will wear it like a warrior!'  This is for me - not for anyone else, and I want to feel pretty.  If a wig can help do that, why not?  People around here will get used to it - it won't take that long, this is about me feeling good about me - so I'm in contact with my insurance company to see how much they will cover for a 'cranial prosthetic' - good right?  That's what I must call it to see where it falls in the land of coverage terms within my policy.  We will see.

Something new I have been experiencing as been my tummy protruding.  The previous time I went into the doc (just went again yesterday for treatment) I mentioned this, saying it didn't hurt or anything, I was experiencing some constipation issues, but was walking around like frickin E.T. and did not feel real attractive about it.  Can we keep adding more unattractiveness to Dina?  Please?  Anyhoo, everyone thinks is gas and constipation, so I am prescribed this mother of a 'not a laxative but really felt like one' and told to take Miralax with it 2x a day and after 3 days - whala!  We have movement!!!  So that worked but I still felt super bloated.  So I've added a probiotic, Miralax once a day, and Gas X at night, and I think we're on the road to recovery.   Still protrusion, not as severe, but I will request a visit from the gastro doc when I return next week for treatment if it's not significantly better. 

I finally did visit with a psychiatrist, and have to say it was the best thing I ever did.  Spoke to him about my whole life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the uglier - and he seemed to find this extremely refreshing.  I said that I had been through therapy before and had come to term with many areas of my like, so those were a bit earlier to talk about.  The one thing I couldn't seem to master, which is why I was there, was this dark place my thoughts would go - and this started way before cancer.  I'd have this little reel of conversation that would play in my head if I wasn't being productive enough, successful enough, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough servant of Jesus, then cancer came and that list just tripled in length.  I could shut it off - though I tried throughout the years of my life with alcohol, with prayer - which helped immensely more than ANYTHING else, my relationship with Christ got me closer to healing this voice inside me than anything else, but it still would creep back.  Now, I greatly summarizing my visit with my psych doc here, but in the end, he felt that as a young child, I was always taught to fear, and to strive to be better, thus never developing the relaxing receptors in my brain needed to function in this life - general anxiety disorder.  He explained this and I just burst into tears.  It was like finally, a light went off and there was an explanation for how I was feeling, that it wasn't just me as this complete f*ck up - ya know?  It just made total sense to me.  So slowly we medicated me onto a drug called Neurontin and it is really helping, on so many levels.  Pretty happy about that.

We are well into rehearsals for Annie and I must say, I am having a BLAST!!!!  I am tired, tired, tired - this was MUCH easier when I was single and in my early 30's - much less married with 2 kids, tending to my niece, mom, and in full chemo for breast cancer - but whatever.  I am loving this show, loving this cast and crew, and loving this part - Miss Hannigan is so much fun I can hardly stand it!  What a gift.  What a beautiful gift God has given me by laying this opportunity before me and giving me the support network to get out there and do it.  I hope I make my family, and this production staff proud.  We open Sept 14th!!!  Get your tickets now!!

Now, because our life just wasn't full enough - we have added yet another family member in need and her 13 month old daughter into our home - temporarily.  You think I was feeling like the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before with all of us sleeping in the same bed in the middle of the room?  Here we go.  My husbands sister and her daughter were literally thrown our of the home they were staying in 2 weeks ago - with no place to go. So PJ and I spoke, laid down some ground rules amongst each other first with this decision, then went and got her and her daughter in Phx and brought them up here.  They are staying on our couch, we have the baby in what we call the 'boat bed' this inflatable toddler mattress we used when we would travels with ours, and we are helping her get back up on her feet.  She has never really been shown how to mother, how to have her own place, take care of herself and be independent, so we are going to take this opportunity to help her in this aspect, and she has made herself open to this, which has been refreshing to say the least.  We have made great progress thus far, have a ways to go - but we'll get it done.  Whenever I find my self in a selfish thinking mode, which is completely normal and human I think, and I'm talking about thoughts like 'I want my couch back, I want my evenings back, I want my much needed room back, I want my food back'  I am reminded of His simple words - Love Thy Neighbor.  And I need to help her and this innocent child. It is what we are called to do.  Not be taken advantage of, do not mistake.   We won't do it for her, we just don't have time, but we can love her, and sternly point her in the right direction then follow up and point her in the next direction and follow up.  I love her and this baby so much, and know that with a little help, she can build a life for her and her child, one that she can be proud of, that is all I want.  There's a time frame, I can't have someone living on my couch for months, it just isn't healthy for anyone - but I know we'll do it.  Together, with God's help.

Just had treatment yesterday, and still on the steroid high, which is why I'm typing this morning.  Still quiet although my kids are both fighting colds now.  My hubby has gone down to Phx to visit his dad who has gotten much worse unfortunately.  We've been told he had a violent outburst last week and had to be sent to a psych ward for evaluation to see if he will even be allowed to return to the facility he was in.  I must say, when word of this came I looked up and said to the Lord - "seriously?  no more please, just let us get a handle on what we've recently taken on before we take on more".  But it's His time, not ours right?  Damn.  I will scan again after the play is open and done with.  I'll have one more treatment next week then I will return to treatment on the 28th of Sept.  That may seem like a long time, but, my platelets have continually been in a lower range come the week I am to start treatment - not dangerous, but if I were given chemo, it would drop into a scary range.  So I've had to wait 2 weeks between treatments.  No biggie.  We will scan then and start cycle 5.  Praying for good results overall.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hurting.  My core is hurting - all the time - some liver pain, but it comes and goes, lower back ache, rib pain - is is muscle?  Is it bone?  It's been hard to differentiate between rehearsal pains and cancer pains.  I mean, dancing?  Me?  I haven't done this shit in like, 10 years.  So I just keep praying, and praying, and praying - and looking for the opportunity to love, not bitch and complain.  Wow that's hard. 

God Bless -

Dina