the news we didn't want....................

Well, PJ and I rec'd the news we didn't want on Friday - and I'm going to be very blunt here, if you don't mind.  My liver is shutting down and there's nothing they can do about it.  Seems my billirubin jumped a whole point last Thurs then again on Fri - and they (meaning the medical director of CTCA and the intake dr. for inpatient) said any further treatment will cause my liver to shut down completely immediately.  My liver has been beat up so much, it is currently working at 600% capacity more than it should be.  Not good.
At first I cried, then stopped, then cried again.  That seems to be the pattern.  I cry, then stop, then cry, then stop.

So I've been sent home to live out the remainder of my life, wth a Hospice team. I can't fucking believe it. Party of me thinks - I go through this crappy shit, all this chemo, theresphere, quadrasphere - and this is what I get?  None of it worked, the cancer kept growing, and here i am. 

Then, on the other hand, I'm so tired.  So tired of fighting, I just want to live out these following days, weeks, months - whatever (I'm pretty yellow so that's why I stop at months) here with my family and friends.  However, the sucky part (not that it all doesn't suck) is that I still have the broken pelvis, the edema, the neuropathy that is affecting my living.  Like I don't get to enjoy the remaining time without this excruciating pain - everywhere - and that sucks.

I feel like I'm in some sort of movie.  Like it's happening all around me, but not to me directly.  If that makes sense.  We elected to tell our family first.  Told my mom, and she cried a little, taking it all in. 
Told my sweet angels, which was the singlemost heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do I think.  I watched their faces and they just dropped.  Madeline started crying a little, then said 'Mom I wish we had three lives, then we could live one, die then come back and live again'.  Ginger looked at me with no expression and said 'It's my fault'.  I held her close and said "no, no my sweet angel, it's not your fault - it's not anyone's fault".  Told my sister, who was quiet and stoic.  She asked if I wanted her to come out earlier than Jan, I said I didn't know.  I don't know how to answer this question.  It's like by me answering I'm saying "yea, I think  may die then".  Then my daddy and his beautiful wife Nancy.  Also heart wrenching.  To hold my father in my arms on the couch and both of us sob together.  This is surreal.  Now here.  Christmas is usually my ultimate obsession, however now, not so much.  I'm so crushed that I wasn't able to experience NYC with my family, it was one of my lifelong dreams to show my kids the Thanksgiving
Day parade, which we didn't do because of my mothers health decline.  Little did we know.  I suppose it just wasn't supposed to happen.  I need to trust that.

My body is just unrecognizable to me.  My belly is distended, my skin color is yellowing, I hardly have the strength to get around so the walker is my best friend these days.  So I avoid mirrors these days.  And of course I would have JUST placed like the biggest MAC order of my life.  Any one interested in some fabUlous MAC makeup barely used?  Grrr.

I'm not afraid to die.  I can't wait to meet Jesus with open arms.  But I wish it wasn't now.  I want so bad to be a wife to my husband and grow old together.  I have sooooo much to teach my girls, about being girls, and women, and wives.  Why is this being taken away from me?    We purchased a video camera from Walmart so I can start working on recording messages to them.  To be honest, I don' know where to start.  My friend Jennifer had a great idea of sending them birthday cards, which I will start on this week.  It is all so overwhelming.

I've been sitting here at the kitchen table now for a couple of hours typing and my feet are filling with fluid, and it's me and the girls home here alone this morning, so I'll need to sign off here. But not to worry, I'll be back.  This blog will again become what I need to get through this. 

God Bless -


Dina