Enlightenment from a Laxative

'The Art Of Happiness Is To Serve All'. This is the clever little quip at the end of my 'Get Regular' natural laxative teabag. Hmmmm. Ironic? Not sure. Found it curious. True - but curious. So there it came and went, the 2 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis and I am on my way to the dr office because it hurts for me to take in a deep breath and I've had a fever for the past 3 days. I'm getting a little tired of the irony surrounding this April Fools Day - and this used to be a day I kind of enjoyed - not so much anymore. Diagnosis? Pneumonia. No congestion at all, just some pain when I take in a breath and this fever. My doc is baffled. Puts me on these mega antibiotics called Levaquin which are just that - mega strong. Within a day the fever is gone - great! And to be honest, although the Levaquin makes me feel a little strange, it is making me feel better. So I am full of hope. My CBC was normal, white blood cell counts normal - again, nothing looks the way it is supposed to look when someone has pneumonia. Of course not, it's me. I convince myself that I got it from showering at the YMCA (my first and last experience doing that) and remind myself that lots of people get this, not just me. I try to stop kicking myself for being the only one in my family that did not get a flu or pneumonia shot - and swear I will do this as soon as the doc says it's ok. Then last night came along. I was feeling fine - great actually - and got into bed. Tossed and turned all night, being awakened by stabbing random pains in my side. I get up and move myself into the recliner - at least I can sit up. Then at 6am I wake myself up by hearing a fried egg cracking sound as I breathe in - I've been breathing for who knows how long with my mouth open, and this sound just gives me a visual that turns my stomach and to be honest, makes me panic. I mean it sounded like my lungs were cooking. Totally creepy and frightening. Again, no congestion, no coughing, ever. I get up and take a breath in and the pain forms a horseshoe from the front of my shoulder around my underarm to the back of my shoulder. I need to go to the hospital. I go to the hospital - by myself because PJ needs to watch the girls - and check in. They do all their prep work and elect to get me a CT scan - plus blood work - again. CBC is again normal, emergency doc is baffled, he says he wants to check for a possible blood clot in my lung, thus the CT scan. Cool. They give me some liquid form of ibuprofen and a pain med which was AWESOME and get me in for the scan. Scan did not reveal any clot - thank you Jesus. However, and my memory of this conversation is a little fuzzy because of the pain meds, the emergency doc said that we continue on the heavy antibiotics, make sure I combine it with advil and pain meds because he wants me to be able to breathe deeply so I can eventually get this crap up and out of my lungs, that it is in both lungs, and that the radiologist speculated on his report that within the infected portion of my lungs it possibly showed some nodules reflective of metastatic disease. Huh? He says they can't be sure of this until the pneumonia is cleared up, and the chance of this is like, 5% but he recommends to do another CT scan once we get this kicked. Ironically my next CT scan is booked for May 6th out at CTCA. Now, WTF? So here I've been convincing myself that getting pneumonia is normal - but this - this information - where do I put this? Ya know, I didn't even tell this to PJ or anyone because I can't really recall the conversation with the doctor - I was out of it but kinda in the 'coming out of it' stage. So I think this is what I heard, the general idea is right. Plus, I know when PJ hears this he will be like "Call him back and ask him! Call him back and see exactly what he said!" Ya know what, not real sure if I want to right now. Not sure. And obviously neither is he. I don't really know what to do. I mean, yes, I need to kick this pneumonia, and I will. I just really need to slow everything down and take my meds and rest. That will be hard but totally doable. I can do this. I will have to try to put this information on the back burner till then - but how the hell do I put THIS on the back burner? I'll admit it, part of me doesn't really want to know. At all. But then the logical part of me says to me 'Dina, not knowing would be worse than knowing - your imagination is far too frickin wild to let it just run with this thing'. True. Maybe I'll call CTCA tomorrow and let them know what they said, and let them decide what to do. My last CT was in Jan and that didn't show anything. It's not like it grows like wildfire. And this ER - though very nice - has misdiagnosed me and my family before - this was where the 'febrile seizure' diag began with Ginger and was debunked. They actually diag her with pneumonia too which the pediatrician looked at and said 'huh?' - so who knows. But there it sits - right there in the back of my brain - to fester and fuck with me. Oy. I was reminded while taking a very hot shower today of the article I read in the Cancer Fighters magazine (which is amazing) the last time I went to CTCA - I spoke about it in my last post but didn't really get the meaningful point across. This man with Lymphoma said something like 'today - I can control what I do and experience today. Tomorrow, next week, next year - who knows? I have no control over that - but right now - I got this.' or something to that effect. I can digest that way easier than 'soak in every moment'. Sometimes I feel like I have to sit there and look like I'm pooping while I try to 'soak' in the moment. It shouldn't be forced like that - but feeling a sense of control of my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my prayers. Being intentional. I can do that. So that's what I'm working towards. I don't know what this scan really showed, and this doc didn't pic up the phone and call my onc or anything - and he discharged me too. So, although it sounds bad, it can't be that bad. To me. I am going to decide that it's not. How bout that. Madeline asked me last night while sitting on my lap if, once I feel better, if I could invite her great grandma's over to our house for a visit. And we sat and talked about each of them, I then had to explain to her that they had all died. She looked so sad. Then I said to her - but you'll get to meet them in heaven! We'll all be in Heaven together one day! She said "I wonder what it looks like there mom?" Then she looked at me with these huge excited eyes - she said "and Jesus is going to be there! I'll get to meet Him! It's going to be so great!" and I said "Yes He Is!! It will be!!!" This is what I believe. Will it be what she believes as she grows older and makes her own decisions? I hope so - but for now, it is really cool to watch this through her eyes. She gives me a whole different perspective. So here I move forward on my week, medically battling this nasty bug - and trying to keep my mind from wandering too far. Ya know - whatever it is, it is. I'll handle it and fight and take it. I'm ready. After I get a frickin flu and pneumonia shot - idiot. God Bless -