Areola Mug Shot Book

Well the above indeed does not exist - as much as I wanted it to. You should have seen the face of the woman who does the tattooing for Dr. Mo's breast cancer patients when I asked her if she had one for me to flip through - looking for stars, cowboy hats, something original. Had to tell her that yes, I was kidding. Oy. But they are looking great - had my second tattooing done on Tues and all is going well. May need to do one more as the ink tends to not take as well on scar tissue (who knew?) so we will see. It's really up to me - so we'll see how these heal up and what the final look turns out to be. I've lost - drum roll please - 13 pounds so far and am feeling really really great. Wish I could exercise more, but trying to balance that with time at home and with my kids - and like most moms of little ones, just trying to balance everything. I just wish there were a couple more hours in the day. My sister came to visit my mom and then spent a couple days up here with me and it was really nice. Much like my two little girls, my sister and I are polar opposites of each other, and I hadn't seen her since Ginger was born - so this visit was almost like experiencing something that was familiar but as a totally different person. Not that it is about me, but her coming here and being at my moms place with her gave me an internal sigh of relief - like I didn't have to carry around that worry for my mom for a couple days - which made me realize that I was actually doing this. I didn't realize how much worry I was carrying around with me. I'm not sure what happened during my spring break - maybe it was experiencing the difference between my sister and myself on this new level, but I have obtained such a huge sense of peace for my mom, and have been able to let go of my need to feel responsible for what she is going through. I don't know if I can explain this correctly - but I am the kind of person who literally feels what others feel the moment they walk into a room. This as I've mentioned before, is something I really like about myself. However, what I have realized is 'feeling' sometimes turns into 'owning' and that, is not healthy. Now, my sister on the other end, is not like this at all. She is completely separate from others, doesn't engage at all - whether this is a conscious choice, a defense mechanism, just the way she is wired - not sure. In any case, I realized that I need to find a happy medium, at least where my mom is concerned. Or at least, I can 'feel' to empathize and feel compassion for, however, these 'feelings' are not mine to own and manage. The one who owns them are responsible for owning and managing them. What a concept, eh? It makes sense I would fall into this trap, I mean, when you feel like shit, you want to fix it, right? In any case, this was a huge realization for me - and I feel like I have opened yet another door to a greater understanding of who God created me to be - never ending adventure. Ginger has been handling her meds ok - I need to get her up to 2ml in the am and 2ml in the evening - so far I'm at 1 and 2 - so we're almost there. I am taking her in to see her neurologist on Mon afternoon - I want him to see her again and talk to him face to face about this. The second opinion I'm getting is scheduled for May. I thought I was hovering before, but wow, am I hovering now. I looked at PJ earlier this week and said 'am I one of those people? those people who just seem to invite bad shit into their lives?' I know you know who I'm talking about - the people who unfortunately just need drama to have something to talk about, to bitch about and it just seems to always get worse and worse and worse - am I one of those people? I really thought I was a positive, glass is half full kind of person. But then I look at the pile being put on my life plate and I feel the need to review what the hell I'm doing - ya know? My loving husband gave me the roll of the eyes and the annoyed tone while he answered 'no dina, you're not one of those people'. Which I appreciate - but still. Had my appt at CTCA yesterday and all went well. I'm handling the current meds just fine, and he gave me a 4 week leash then we'll do another scan. So that CT scan will happen on 4.29 and we'll see how the current meds are working. I read an article about how cancer makes you feel like you have lost control - and a way to get that feeling back is to realize that while we can't always control the information coming at us, we can control the way we react to it. I'm sure this has been said to me before, but I heard it differently this time. I mean, the emotional roller coaster of this disease for me is crazy, to think I can regain some of my control back is attractive to me. It will take some focus and intentionality from me - but wouldn't it from everyone? I mean, not only about cancer - but just life in general? I think this is another reason why God gave us free will - shitty things are going to happen, they have to, but we get to decide if we're going to bitch and moan, or look at it and say - what am I suppose to see here? What am I suppose to learn? Sucks sometimes, and I think we need that time to say so, but then we must take the next step. Well, I must. OH - and in the same article, a cancer survivor was talking about how she didn't want cancer to define her. Now, I've talked about this before, but something she said made it a little more tangible to me - she said that when people asked her about herself, cancer was like, 4th on the list. So I thought about this for myself - and thought about what I would say if someone came up to me and said 'tell me about yourself'. Cancer wasn't even in my answer. As much as this is teaching me, I'm not letting it define me to others. Pretty cool. God Bless -