My Water bowl Runneth Over.....

Wow - has it really been a month? Crazy. I can't believe how full my plate has been as of late. I try to be very intentional to NOT bitch about it - because it being full is a blessing all in itself, but still.

As I type here I have my Madeline next to me in my bed, she has been running a high temp this evening. PJ is sleeping in her little twin bed with Ginger. Madeline turned 6 on Sept first, and yesterday she lost one of her front teeth. I can't believe how much older she looks with that gap in her smile. So frickin cool. She and I have been hanging out in 'mom and dads bed' most of the evening, something she loves that she gets to do when she is sick, and she was resting her head on my shoulder as I watched Martina McBride's new single 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' - which, by the way, is AMAZING!! Anyhow, we were watching it together, and I was crying a bit through it, and Madeline lifted her head up from my shoulder, looked at me, then asked if I was ok. I said that this song just made me cry, she rubbed my back with her hand, gave me a kiss on the cheek, then returned to resting her head on my shoulder. Wow. So grown up. Who is comforting who here, eh? My angel continues to comfort me - she is such an old soul.

So, this month has brought upon its set of challenges for me - and some amazing lessons as well. I'll start with a message received at church that has had a significant impact on me. The director of contemporary music gave the sermon last Sunday, and his message was super significant to me. He was talking about how the manner in which he was relayed the information when he was diagnosed with diabetes as a child effected him. Because it was presented to him in such a dramatic way, he realized he had carried this feeling with him throughout his entire life. Then, he realized that this way of thinking was nowhere in line with what God says about him, biblically. I have to say, when I heard this, it was like a light went off. I so often have thoughts that I am constantly fighting - thoughts like: you can't do that you're sick, you can't have that you're sick, you probably won't live that long cuz you're sick - that kind of crap. I never really felt like I had the weapons to fight against these thoughts - and this gave them to me. God doesn't feel that way at all - and if my line of thinking doesn't line up with God's way of thinking, then I really need to banish it from my thoughts - period. How frickin freeing is that! Pretty amazing, I've put this into practice and it is working really well. What a blessing, thank you Jake.

PJ and I have been feeling the financial pinch of our growing family. Adding another adult, mind you a special needs adult to our family has made a difference in not only our family dynamic, but our budget as well. And when it rains in pours, we realize this as our APS bill gets increased, we need new tires on the van, the brakes go on the van and our air conditioner is starting to go on the house. Just figures, doesn't it? So, there's that added stress I'm trying NOT to feel as stress cuz that's not good for my health. How frickin frustrating is it to know 'Dina - don't stress here cuz stress can cause your cancer to grow' - it's like trying to tell yourself you don't like chocolate when there's a huge piece of cake sitting right in front of you.. Life is stressful, I just gotta continue to challenge myself to move through the stress differently. Arg.

So get this additional nugget of stress that I'm trying to convince myself is not stressful. I am on disability - and - unbeknownst to me - once you have been on diability for a period of time, you automatically get enrolled in Medicare. Didn't know this. I figured since I was paying my health insurance through Aetna, that whether or not I qualified for Medicare, I was paying my individual coverage premium cuz that is the coverage that I wanted. Aetna I guess caught wind that I qualified for Medicare, and decided they no longer were going to be primary - they moved themselves to the 2nd position - supplemental coverage to Medicare. Problem? Yes - Cancer Treatment Centers of America doesn't take Medicare. I contact them and they ask me how we are going to go about 'transferring me out' of their facility. Excuse me???? I called Aetna and spoke with the ever flowing knowedge of a customer service rep who told me whether I declide Medicare or not, that doesn't matter - the fact that I qualify for it is all they need to move into second position. I remind them that I've been paying them first position premium for years and that this hardly makes sense. So then I'm put on hold, then they return to tell me that I can appeal this decision, plead my case and then they will decide if they will move back into 1st position or not. Now, luckily CTCA is being patient w/ me right now - but here's the kicker - I have to officially disenroll from Medicare, then show proof of this to Aetna, with a letter pleading my case as to why I want the coverage to stay intact that I've been paying for all along - and then wait for their decision. If they say no, then I have NO primary coverage at all - how is this even fair? Since when can I not chose to continue to pay for the coverage I've had all along? I am a pretty bright person when it comes to this stuff, and I know how to push - I just wish I knew which direction I was supposed to be pushing in - this medicare world is foreign to me. As if having frickin cancer wasn't stressful enough - this is just incredible to have to try to deal with. I'm trying so hard to just stay calm, to stay calm and listen and be guided through this process.

I've spoken before in my blog about my time living in NYC - and I think I've also mentioned on occasion the fact that I am currently registered in the World Trade Center Health registry so they can keep track of my health. We may never know if my cancer was caused by what I breathed daily down there for weeks on end, but they are keeping track nonetheless. I never really thought of me being there in the financial district on 9/11 was that big of a deal. I mean, 9/11 was a huge deal, but the fact that I was there just kind of became part of me. Something very, very personal - such a personal experience, but I think staying in NYC for 6 years after, the fact that I was THERE wasn't really a huge deal, I worked with lots of people who were there. What I'm getting at I guess here, is now that I'm in AZ, the fact that I was there on 9/11 is kind of a big deal to people who live here. PJ and I had called to inquire about a benenfit dinner going on last month to raise money for the memoriam in NY and in my discussion with one of the organizers, it came up that I was there. Long story short, they asked me if I would speak about my experience that day at the dinner, then at the ceremony on the Courthouse Square on the 10th anniversary. Wow. I did this, and I have to say it was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do - ever. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not afraid to speak in front of a crowd, but this was different. This was my own, private, terrifying, horrific experience - and I shared it in front of a lot of people - something I had never done before. Looking back I think maybe I spoke about that day, in detail, to maybe 2-3 people. Family. That was it. In any case, it was something I felt deep in my heart that I was supposed to do. Why? Not sure - just know it was something that was presented in front of me, and that I needed to agree to it and do it. And I did. I've posted my speech separately for any who care to read it.

Other than all this - I've been feeling pretty good. Tired. But good. I seem to be handling the 3 pills a day fine. I think I'm a bit paranoid about it to be honest - I need to chill out about it. I am just so tired lately - that's about it. I don't know what God has in store for me here with all of this going on. This insurance thing scares the crap out of me. To think I possibly can't go get treatment where I want to receive it just really scares me. I just pray that I am able to rise above the bullshit and hear Him guide me. That's the key - to be able to recognize our humanness and connect spiritually - and be led spiritually. Hard to hear sometimes - gotta pry the mufflers off. Oy.

That reminds me of a section of a Psalm I just read - that sounded like the same kind of plea I'm making here - Psalm 119:5 - "Oh, that my actions would consistenly reflect your decrees!' - I love that is starts with 'OH' - cuz that's exactly how I feel lately, like I'm crying out to hear Him, frustated with my humanness.

Off I go to takes Mads temp. *yawn* I bet all 42 year old moms of 6 and 3 year olds are tired - not just cancer making me tired, it's mommyhood - plus cancer drugs. ;-)

God Bless -