Mom when you get old, can I have your hair clip?

I'm helping Madeline brush her teeth tonight, and she says this. I have this clip holding my bangs back cuz I'm growing my hair out again, something I've been afraid to do since it started growing back, but now just feel like what the hell. Anyway, she says 'mom, when you get older, older than me - can I have that hair clip?' I asked her 'how old?' she says 'like, 70, or 80 - maybe 84'. I told her sure - no problem. Just recently do I think about living that long. That that is even a possibility. Funny though - I am constantly wondering if any ache or pain or fatigue or anything that doesn't feel 'normal' is my cancer, coming back, doing something bad. I don't think that will ever go away. It's just part of my daily thought routine. The thought comes, I dissect it like a frog, marinade it over and over in my mind till I get through it completely - searching for things to reassure me - taking pieces of conversations of other people, doctors, articles I've read, prayers I've said, that others have said for me, scripture, till I get my brain in a more peaceful place. I tell you, it is exhausting. Maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time?

So I've moved my mom up here - well, let me be a little more specific about that - my husband, brother in law, family friend and sister moved my mom out of her house in Phx, then I helped them all move her in up here. It ended up working out with the place down the street from us, and so far it seems to be working out perfectly. I know it was hard for my mom to move out of the house she has been in for 18 years, but having her closer to me up here is making it so much easier for us to help her, and it's so great for my kids and Britt too to have her so close. I'm picking her up tomorrow morning so she can come to Ginger's ballet class with me. Pretty cool I must admit. Pretty cool.

Brittany seems to be adjusting quite well here with us, and she goes and spends 2 days a week with my mom. Something good for all of us.

Madeline is a first grader now, and Ginger starts preschool at the end of the month. So strange. I can't believe I'm going to have both kids in school. I'm going to spend all my time at the gym - get these final 20 lbs off already.

My dr appt is next week - it was supposed to be today, but they had to move it. So I go in on Friday, Dr Nixon will do a physical exam, I'll meet with the team, then go up for infusion. I'll most likely have a scan next month, and we will see where we are. I think I'm handling the 3 Xeloda a day fine, I just have been so tired lately. Yes, this could be a hundred different things, gee - having 2 kids, a new 25 year old special needs niece incorporated in our family dynamic, my mother now moved closer, trying to be the wife and homemaker to my family, and being 42. It's almost not fair - what do women who are in my position who don't have cancer fighting drugs going through their systems on a daily basis feel like in the morning? Do their joints kinda hurt? Are they tired or are they just popping up out of bed with an automatic spring in their step? Do they get night sweats? Oy this frickin early menopause thing just SUCKS! I go through spouts of major hot flashes then not so much. Then I get this like, horrible gas like pains, what is that? What am I like 80??? Do I seriously get motivated to go to Walgreens to buy GasX ? So are these just getting older things or cancer things? I get so mad that I don't know. I recently saw Crazy Stupid Love, which I have to admit wasn't that bad. I do NOT do the romantic comedy thing, if I haven't stated this before, but this wasn't too bad. Anyway, I look at the main couple in this movie, and to be honest, other families, and the moms are able to just focus on their kids, their husbands, their families futures - and me, having cancer, it's like I don't get to do that the same way. There's this dark cloud over me when I go to do this. Is it wrong that I see it that way? How do I see it any differently?

Obviously I've been thinking too much this summer - I remembered as we started this school routine again a couple weeks ago how NOT GOOD I am when I'm not busy. I remember when I was working and single and I'd take some vacation time off, if I wasn't doing something, I'd just go a little nuts. Like my mind wanders to often and too far, if I don't keep in reigned in with some sort of task or event, it goes a little awry. So hopefully the routine will reign me back in.

Something else that has helped me as of late is music. I have always had such a strong connection to it throughout my whole life, and I've found some music that is just speaking to me on a level that has really brought me such deep peace and reassurance. Now, don't judge me here, but it has been the new Mandisa cd, Stronger. I'm telling you, first of all, this woman's voice is probably one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard - and this particular cd is almost as if she was secretly stalking me for the past 6 months. Amazingly therapeutic. So awesome. I highly recommend it - at least for the title song. Check it out.

Well, off to chat with my hubby. Looking forward to my mom spending some time w/ me and Ginger tomorrow morning. Also, Britt has one of her SNAP dances and she is so proud to be taking my mom as her caregiver. In the end, I know if I just take the focus off of me, and put it on others, all will be right. It is what we are supposed to do - it is why we are here. I think maybe I've just been an emotional 'me-monster' as of late - geeesh D - get over it already. Oy.

God Bless -