Alert The Press!!!

Well, I did it. I sent out approx 15 press packages to the, well, the first 15 influential people I could think of to tell my insurance story to to see if anyone could possibly help me put the heat on Aetna and get them to change their mind. I have now appealed 3 times and they still won't budge. Wanna hear something scary? Technically, I don't have any primary health insurance right now. I did what Aetna advised me to do, declined Medicare and sent them proof, now they won't go back to the primary position. I hope at least 1 of my packages gets read by someone and they are moved to do something, anything. So frustrating and scary. But at the same time, I know everything is going to work out exactly as it is supposed to. I keep doing and moving in the direction that feels right, and I know it will all be fine. I have no explanation for this feeling. I feel like I am being 'led' through this I guess. That's the best way I can explain it. Cross your fingers please.

I'm feeling better - just get tired easily - but also think that is because I haven't exercised since the procedure and I'm so mad about that. I know I would have more energy if I could just get out and walk for awhile, something simple like that. PJ and I have worked out a new schedule next week that he take Madeline to school twice a week and I try to get a walk or bike ride in. We'll see. Best laid plans. Today was my first day with no pain meds, and that has been rather nice I might add. Gee, that may have been adding to me feeling so tired. Duh.

I go in for my CT scan on Wed to see how the quadrasphere went. And I have to talk about this for a moment. I have really been fighting such dark thoughts this past month, since my procedure. It's almost like my brain has gone right back to where I was when I initially took in my diagnosis. So scary, so depressed, so negative. I think about me dying, how much I want to be here for my husband and give him the life and marriage and wife he deserves, how much I want to be the mother to my daughters throughout their adolescence and young adult lives, how much I just want to grow with my family. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life, than to be alive to be a wife and mother. So simple one would think. So simple I thought before cancer. Again, pain meds probably didn't help but fuel this kind of thinking as well. In any case, today I turned a corner and I think it had a lot to do with the message at church this past Sunday. Pastor Jack preached about the burning furnace story in the Bible. I'd never heard this story before, but the gist of it is, there are these 3 guys with strange names who won't bow down to this ginormous gold idol of the king, because they follow God's commandment that you will worship no false idols, right? Well this pisses off the King who orders them to be thrown in the burning furnace. They state and I'm paraphrasing here, that they know that God can save them, but whether God saves them or not, they trust Him and all that He stands for and still won't worship a statue. Now, this is HUGE to me. Pastor Jack also talked about how we bargain with God sometimes, and how he thinks that probably makes Him laugh. I admit, I have done this. I have tried to bargain with God - and it usually sounds something like this, while I'm praying: Please God cure me and I will show everyone I meet what a great healer you are - I will spread your message far and wide. Now, I guess if you're gonna bargain, this is probably a pretty tempting one, even to God - but - it's a bargain nonetheless. What I'm getting at is this - He already knows my life plan. He already knows what happens to me. Any bargaining from me is just insulting. I need to trust. Trust Him enough to know what is best for me. I don't wait around, I move, hopefully in the direction He wants me to go in, and the rest - only He knows. Well, in case you're wondering how the story ended, God did save them, they exited the furnace without a burn on them. This convinced the King that maybe they were onto something here with this God thing, and ended up joining their faith. This is Daniel 3 in case you wanna check in out.

So here's my thing, I've talked about trusting God a bazillion times throughout my blog - but this time it rings a bit differently for me. I mean, I'm kinda running out of options here in the 'treatment' arena - and that makes me a bit nervous. It's been really great to be on these pills all year long this past year and have my months of 'denial' cuz that is pretty much what they have been. I knew the pills weren't working - they didn't work before, and I was taking a LOT more before. So trust kinda has a different meaning to me now. Trust means I know He knows what will happen to me. He already knows, and whatever that is I must trust that. Yikes. Putting it that way is some scary shit right? But I oddly find comfort in this. I hold onto His word that he wants me to have long, fruitful life, and I will try to make each day, each moment as fruitful as possible. That's all I can do. I mean, this isn't any different than an other challenge in this life, right? We move in a direction that we 'feel' is right, a direction we feel He has led us to, and check it out and see if it works or not. Same here, plain and simple. Deep breath - breathe. Whew.

My stress level is still pretty high. With my niece Brittany, I've really been praying for her and for me to be what she needs me to be for her. I've never done this before, so I am struggling here too. I tend to get frustrated easily lately, and have been praying for me to come to her with more compassion and love, and patience. Living with a special needs individual just changes your whole family dynamic. We just haven't settled in to it yet.

Then my mom is going through her treatment and I wish I could be there more for her. Right now I'm taking care of some financial stuff for her, so that takes time. Just want so badly to take better care of her.

My kids on the other hand, are AWESOME!! Ginger is taking ballet and loving it and Madeline just finished soccer and she loved that too. They are all jazzed about Thanksgiving and starting to go Christmas Crazy (like their mommy) so that is fun. We are doing the Polar Express this year so that will be fun too. Lot of fun holiday traditions coming up for us so that makes me happy.

Point is, I don't know what is going to happen on Wed. I don't know what this scan is going to show. God does, and as long as I stay focused on Him, I will be just fine, no matter what the results may be. Do I pray for total and complete healing? You bet your ass I do - everyday, on my knees, with tears streaming down my face, but I trust what He gives me, and I will not waiver.

Quadrasphere or no quadrasphere, I made 50 mini loaves of homemade pumpkin bread over the past 4 days. I should sell this stuff it is so incredibly yummy. Happy Thanksgiving all - please cross your fingers on the letters I have sent out - and prayers for Wed.

God Bless -

D