Alert The Press!!!

Well, I did it. I sent out approx 15 press packages to the, well, the first 15 influential people I could think of to tell my insurance story to to see if anyone could possibly help me put the heat on Aetna and get them to change their mind. I have now appealed 3 times and they still won't budge. Wanna hear something scary? Technically, I don't have any primary health insurance right now. I did what Aetna advised me to do, declined Medicare and sent them proof, now they won't go back to the primary position. I hope at least 1 of my packages gets read by someone and they are moved to do something, anything. So frustrating and scary. But at the same time, I know everything is going to work out exactly as it is supposed to. I keep doing and moving in the direction that feels right, and I know it will all be fine. I have no explanation for this feeling. I feel like I am being 'led' through this I guess. That's the best way I can explain it. Cross your fingers please.

I'm feeling better - just get tired easily - but also think that is because I haven't exercised since the procedure and I'm so mad about that. I know I would have more energy if I could just get out and walk for awhile, something simple like that. PJ and I have worked out a new schedule next week that he take Madeline to school twice a week and I try to get a walk or bike ride in. We'll see. Best laid plans. Today was my first day with no pain meds, and that has been rather nice I might add. Gee, that may have been adding to me feeling so tired. Duh.

I go in for my CT scan on Wed to see how the quadrasphere went. And I have to talk about this for a moment. I have really been fighting such dark thoughts this past month, since my procedure. It's almost like my brain has gone right back to where I was when I initially took in my diagnosis. So scary, so depressed, so negative. I think about me dying, how much I want to be here for my husband and give him the life and marriage and wife he deserves, how much I want to be the mother to my daughters throughout their adolescence and young adult lives, how much I just want to grow with my family. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life, than to be alive to be a wife and mother. So simple one would think. So simple I thought before cancer. Again, pain meds probably didn't help but fuel this kind of thinking as well. In any case, today I turned a corner and I think it had a lot to do with the message at church this past Sunday. Pastor Jack preached about the burning furnace story in the Bible. I'd never heard this story before, but the gist of it is, there are these 3 guys with strange names who won't bow down to this ginormous gold idol of the king, because they follow God's commandment that you will worship no false idols, right? Well this pisses off the King who orders them to be thrown in the burning furnace. They state and I'm paraphrasing here, that they know that God can save them, but whether God saves them or not, they trust Him and all that He stands for and still won't worship a statue. Now, this is HUGE to me. Pastor Jack also talked about how we bargain with God sometimes, and how he thinks that probably makes Him laugh. I admit, I have done this. I have tried to bargain with God - and it usually sounds something like this, while I'm praying: Please God cure me and I will show everyone I meet what a great healer you are - I will spread your message far and wide. Now, I guess if you're gonna bargain, this is probably a pretty tempting one, even to God - but - it's a bargain nonetheless. What I'm getting at is this - He already knows my life plan. He already knows what happens to me. Any bargaining from me is just insulting. I need to trust. Trust Him enough to know what is best for me. I don't wait around, I move, hopefully in the direction He wants me to go in, and the rest - only He knows. Well, in case you're wondering how the story ended, God did save them, they exited the furnace without a burn on them. This convinced the King that maybe they were onto something here with this God thing, and ended up joining their faith. This is Daniel 3 in case you wanna check in out.

So here's my thing, I've talked about trusting God a bazillion times throughout my blog - but this time it rings a bit differently for me. I mean, I'm kinda running out of options here in the 'treatment' arena - and that makes me a bit nervous. It's been really great to be on these pills all year long this past year and have my months of 'denial' cuz that is pretty much what they have been. I knew the pills weren't working - they didn't work before, and I was taking a LOT more before. So trust kinda has a different meaning to me now. Trust means I know He knows what will happen to me. He already knows, and whatever that is I must trust that. Yikes. Putting it that way is some scary shit right? But I oddly find comfort in this. I hold onto His word that he wants me to have long, fruitful life, and I will try to make each day, each moment as fruitful as possible. That's all I can do. I mean, this isn't any different than an other challenge in this life, right? We move in a direction that we 'feel' is right, a direction we feel He has led us to, and check it out and see if it works or not. Same here, plain and simple. Deep breath - breathe. Whew.

My stress level is still pretty high. With my niece Brittany, I've really been praying for her and for me to be what she needs me to be for her. I've never done this before, so I am struggling here too. I tend to get frustrated easily lately, and have been praying for me to come to her with more compassion and love, and patience. Living with a special needs individual just changes your whole family dynamic. We just haven't settled in to it yet.

Then my mom is going through her treatment and I wish I could be there more for her. Right now I'm taking care of some financial stuff for her, so that takes time. Just want so badly to take better care of her.

My kids on the other hand, are AWESOME!! Ginger is taking ballet and loving it and Madeline just finished soccer and she loved that too. They are all jazzed about Thanksgiving and starting to go Christmas Crazy (like their mommy) so that is fun. We are doing the Polar Express this year so that will be fun too. Lot of fun holiday traditions coming up for us so that makes me happy.

Point is, I don't know what is going to happen on Wed. I don't know what this scan is going to show. God does, and as long as I stay focused on Him, I will be just fine, no matter what the results may be. Do I pray for total and complete healing? You bet your ass I do - everyday, on my knees, with tears streaming down my face, but I trust what He gives me, and I will not waiver.

Quadrasphere or no quadrasphere, I made 50 mini loaves of homemade pumpkin bread over the past 4 days. I should sell this stuff it is so incredibly yummy. Happy Thanksgiving all - please cross your fingers on the letters I have sent out - and prayers for Wed.

God Bless -

D

The Burn Means It's Working????

So - I haven't posted since my quadrasphere because, well, to put it bluntly, it KICKED MY ASS!!! I must say, it was by far the worst recovery I have gone through with any of the treatment I have received in the past. I don't know if I was not thinking, was in denial, not sure. But this was horrible. The procedure itself went well. In fact, my surgeon said that once they had done dousing the left side of my liver with the chemo beads, there were some left over, so they went on my right side a bit. So there may have been a kind of 'double whammy' affect here as well, who knows. The day of the procedure, I don't really remember much to be honest. I just remember being in such horrific pain. It was liver pain, something I have never felt before. Now, as it was explained to me by one of the doctors, this procedure essentially killed a portion of my liver. Doesn't sound too pleasant, eh? The chemo beads not only killed the tumor, but it killed the portion of my liver on which the tumor sat. They also cut off the blood supply to that portion of my liver, another ouch. I can only explain the pain as the feeling of the most horrendous heartburn, acid stomach feeling, but higher up in your gut, like right below the middle of your breasts. I refused the pain meds initially (big mistake) and found myself vomiting Wed night then again Thursday morning about 3 times. They kept me an additional night to make sure I was OK. But I didn't eat for literally 3 days. I was so weak. Once I finally said yes to the morphine, it seemed to move along a bit better. Well, it's morphine - what wouldn't right?

I have to say, this experience scared me. Scared me in a way that shoved the seriousness of what was happening to me right to the front of my brain. It did this to both PJ and myself. I would look at PJ's face there in the hospital, and he just didn't know what to do to help me. I'm not the best patient either, I just want everyone to leave me alone. And I wasn't having any of anyone. When I left the hospital on Friday, I couldn't make it 50 feet without needing to sit down I was so weak from not eating. All I wanted to do was sleep. I'm better now, but still needing to take pain meds on a pretty consistent basis. It's like this whole thing brought back all the 'chemo' feelings back from when I went through them back when I was originally diagnosed. Like I was right back there again, only worse. Totally sucked. Which then of course plays the mind game with you as well. But on that front, I've been pretty good at making sure my thoughts line up with Gods word. Practice makes perfect. That and Psalm 91. (thanks Mary)

Next step is to scan me in 4 weeks, then do the right side 2 weeks after that. So we will see where we are then. Obviously going to ask for the morphine to be on tap when they wheel me in next time.

Halloween was great, its been so awesome to watch my girls grow up. They are just so precious to me. I know I'm their mom and am bias and all that crap, but my connection with my girls just continues to flourish and grow. They are such lights to me. They both have been consistently coming in to our bed at night to sleep lately. And I haven't really complained about this a bit. I find my girls, snuggling with my girls, so - healing. It's like they communicate with me in this non verbal way that is angelic, for lack of a better word. My heart is at such peace when I am with them. I feel like I'm not describing this correctly at all. It's just something I feel when I'm with them.

My insurance battle continues. They came back and denied my appeal. So I'm going to post my response here. Time to bring out the big guns. Scary part is, I essentially have NO PRIMARY INSURANCE coverage right now. I can't believe this. I'm currently constructing a letter to send out to everyone and anyone who will listen. I am so scared that CTCA will stop treating me. I can't stop this treatment - I just can't. I know nothing else but to fight with all I have. I should be fighting for my life, not my insurance coverage.

Getting sleepy here - and Madeline just snuck in. :-)

God Bless -

Dina

11/4/2011


Customer Resolution Team
P.O. Box 14462
Lexington, KY 40512

RE: Dina L. Mountcastle FAX: -1-860-754-0068
Case Number #2011101800836

Dear Sirs:

In reference to your response letter of 10.18.11 to my request for appeal, please note the following as my formal appeal of your position:

The mere wording of the exclusion in reference, ‘Non-Duplication of Medicare’ clearly defines itself. This exclusion is meant, and understood to mean, that when coverage is originally put in place (2008 in this case), the policy is not written to give duplication of coverage should Medicare be in place. In this case, it was not. Therefore, this exclusion, while meaningful, does not apply.

It is not stated within the wording of the exclusion ‘at any time during the policy term’ for which Medicare coverage may come into play. This exclusion clearly is meant as a safety to ensure duplication of coverage is not collectible by the insured.

There is no duplication of coverage. There was not at the inception of this policy, and there is no duplication of coverage now. The premiums paid to you from the beginning of the policy back in 2008 reflected that of primary health insurance coverage, and your policy has responded accordingly up until recently. The premiums continue to be paid to you presently reflect the same. Therefore, Aetna needs to respond as the primary health insurance coverage.

As I await your response once again, please note you will be copied on letters explaining this case in detail addressed to my state representatives, government officials, local and national media, our President, and my attorney. My life is too precious to me and my family to allow Aetna to force me to take a government program I do not want, didn’t request, and don’t pay for. It is wrong. It is unconstitutional.

It is astounding to me that I have to fight for my coverage at the same time I’m trying desperately to fight for my life.

Sincerely,


Dina L. Mountcastle
dinakay@hotmail.com
928-277-3001 cell