Scared - Trust - Breathe - Scared - Trust - Breathe

So Happy New Year and Merry Christmas and all that crap! We actually had the most beautiful Christmas - I was exhausted because of my recovery yes, but also because my girls did not go to sleep until 11pm Christmas Eve then PJ and I (mostly PJ I have to admit, but I helped at the end) had to set up the 14 foot trampoline that Santa somehow fit in his sleigh (luckily no questions emerged about this) in our back yard. We finally got in bed around 2:30 am and the girls were wide awake around 5. But, such is the life of Christmas time with small children. It was a blast, yawning all the way through it. Then we decided to celebrate New Years on NY time, so we were in bed shortly after 10pm. Nice. And yes, I sound like I'm 80 and don't really care to be honest. I own a shawl too by the way, and use it on occasion.

My niece from back east came and visited us just after new years and was here for 10 days, so I've really felt like the holidays are just now over for me - as I put her on the shuttle the other night. But here I sit at CTCA just finished my CT scan and am awaiting results and a check up with my doctor. I was so pumped up by the results last time, I'm trying to not feel like 'this is where the other shoe drops' for this one. Why do I subconsciously feel like that? Is it my innate nature to expect the worst but hope for the best? I hate this part - it doesn't get any easier, cuz I've been in this 'waiting' mode many, so many times before - I keep thinking I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I just repeat the same things in my head that I always need to be reminded of - things like "I'm not going to let scan results determine how I feel' and 'nothing will ever shake me from my faith - not even cancer' and 'Father God will take care of me no matter what the results' and 'I will continue to ask for healing because that is what His word says he wants for all who believe in Him' and 'you still have to get everyone to school and work on Monday so let's just get in there and get this done so I can get back to my life thank you very much!' It doesn't get any easier. Now that I mention it, it doesn't get harder either, which is a blessing I guess. I think I receive information better now that's for sure - whatever it may be. My trust continues to strengthen which is also good. It takes work though that's for sure - I can feel it in my heart when I haven't tended to my faith like I should. I feel a distance, a kind of 'jaded independence' if you will. Don't like that. So I get back on my knees at my bedside each evening, that works for me. I like to fall asleep with Him on my heart rather than Mob Wives in my brain, although it is VERY tempting. Church of course, and running my MOPS group which is so near and dear to my heart. I was at a loss as to what to pray about with my girls at night. I knew I wanted to pray with them, but I just didn't have the patience for the 'God please bless my pillow, and my toys, and the Angry Birds game on mommy's phone.....'. I mean that's fine I guess, but they obviously aren't getting what this is truly about yet, and they're little, they shouldn't. So we've started just reciting The Lords Prayer at night with our girls before bedtime and it's been really cool - they totally have it memorized already! Pretty cool.

Anyhoo - I am always so conflicted on how to pray at these appointments. Do I pray for complete healing? Yes. Do I pray for strength in whatever the results may be? Yes. Do I tell Jesus I trust Him and fully commit to know that He knows best and I will handle whatever I get? Yes. Do I pray that this will be the last 'procedure' I ever have to have so I can eventually turn into one of those '3 month check up' people? Holy Crap Yes!!!! I guess there is no wrong thing to pray for - even though they are all different things. I find this part confusing.

I've decided to take some things off my plate to give me a little more breathing room. It's been hard, but so incredible helpful, I'm still getting used to it. I have backed off of my Wed bible study group - just for this semester. I found this last time I attended a class that I was turning into more than just an attendee - and was having a hard time saying NO to other things. So, I'm taking a break. I'm getting ready to back away from another commitment but - and I already know the response here - I'm considering auditioning for a play. I haven't had my acting shoes on in, let's see, almost 10 years? Really? Yikes. So, I'm really praying about it because the role is pretty demanding, as is the rehearsal schedule. I want to make sure I have the strength and energy to commit. We'll see - but so cool that I even want to do this. I am taking a class at the local theater for one person shows - and it's coming along quite nicely. Maybe I should focus on that only for now - not sure. Again, praying about this.

So - off I go downstairs now for my check up. Say some prayers if you could - and thank you all who do anyway for me. I can feel your energy coming my way. Those days when I'm so tired I don't think I can make it up off the couch to change the laundry, but I do? I know that is totally prayer giving me the energy. It's certainly not me!

I'll be in touch - God Bless -

Dina