She doesn't have any arms yet mom!

Ginger says this is why Charlie (our chihuahua) can't jump up onto my lap. I think it's funny.

So, can I say pain? Can I say liver pain? How weird is that to even type out, liver pain. I didn't even know your liver could hurt - so weird. This last week has been painful - living on pain meds, and finally, I think I found the right concoction - 1 pain pill + 2 Advil = BINGO!!! So I did that finally on Sunday and finally, I think I found some relief. I mean, I'm still functioning, I don't want to paint the picture that I'm just lying there in the recliner all day, snickering to myself in a pain med trance and randomly laughing at nothing, I kind of do that anyway (just not in a recliner) I am functioning just fine, it just hurts is all. But finally, relief. Today was monumental - just Advil this morning, and didn't need a pain pill till 1pm. Yipee!!!

Whenever you read anything, you obviously form a mental picture in your mind, and I guess I feel the need to let everyone know that throughout this whole ordeal, I was able to rest in the hospital, and then the weekend day or two upon my return from the hospital - but for the most part, I run around just like everyone else - taking my kids to school, Brittany to her functions, running errands, volunteering, etc. All my stuff and my life continues to happen - despite any 'procedure' I endure. Maybe a little slower at times, but I'm still behind the wheel of my minivan singing Christmas carols with my girls. And ya know what? That's exactly the way I like it. My mother likes to say 'take it easy on yourself' or 'you need to rest more and take care of yourself better' and I guess it's your mom's job to say these things - but, just because I am out being a mother, aunt, wife, friend, member of my community - doesn't mean that I'm NOT doing those things, ya know? I really had to think about this - I mean, I am very, very in tuned to my body - I think most cancer patients are - I know when I need to stop, I know when I need to rest - I know when I can push it a little further and when I can't - and I respect my body telling me these things - I have to, or the consequences could literally be fatal. But, I'm not going to stop living - not ever. And I guess I need to admit, right here, right now, that I am a hopeless night owl. I am my fathers daughter. I will stay up late watching the most ridiculous things on tv, just because. I have no reason for it, I think it's in my DNA. There - I said it - I feel much better now.

Got my Christmas cards out - which, becomes more and more important again as a cancer patient. If people you don't talk to on a regular basis not hear from me with the card, they may think I died or something. I'M STILL HERE!!! CHRISTMAS CARD CONFIRMS IT!!! And I'm so looking forward to watching my girls on Christmas morning. They are really getting it this year, and watching them watch Christmas come is by far one of the coolest parts about being a parent. We have lots of traditions we've started, maybe too many - we have our elf of course, Elfie. Then we do 'What God Wants For Christmas' which is an interactive nativity scene we do together as a family and it's so awesome in teaching my kids about the birth of Christ - I wrap Christmas books and we open one a night and we read it together by the tree, we sprinkle reindeer food on Christmas eve out in our front yard. Yes - I am Christmas CRAZY. And now my kids are too. Something must be working because I've caught PJ singing Christmas carols like 3 times already, and that NEVER happens. Welcome PJ - welcome, finally, to my madness. I ordered one of those microphones that plays Christmas music and also turns your voice in an elf voice - have you seen this thing??? It is hilarious - PJ and I haven't even shown it to the kids yet - I hid it in our closet and we were in there tonight playing with it - he was trying to sound all Barry White sexy in this elf voice, and I grabbed it and started saying 'I'm a chemo elf, my liver hurts' in this elf voice. Hilarious.

I digress - so now I wait to see if they scan me or not - I guess there is a possibility they will not, which wouldn't make much sense to me. How else would they know if this is still working or not? In any case, waiting to hear back from scheduling to book that next appt. Knowing I get a break brings me sweet peace. We need to allow my liver to heal and repair itself after these invasive procedures. Liver failure was always a possibility with quadrasphere, something I didn't mention before, but it was. Still is I guess since these chemo filled beads continue to release for 2 weeks following the procedure. But again, I am careful to respect my body and the messages it sends me on how to tend to it.

Each Christmas since my diagnosis means something different to me. I continue to grow in my relationship with Christ, and I continue to draw closer to my family, and what 'holidays' are really all about. I look back at Christmases past, and can totally see how I just didn't 'get' it then, but, in retrospect - I only knew what I knew. I was all about buying the right gift for the right person, going way overboard with my kids, making sure the pictures on my Christmas card were the best, and I would be so stressed, so pissed off all the time, rushing trying to get everything done, and just making everyone miserable around me - only to lead up to Christmas morning and suddenly just expect everyone to 'hurry up and enjoy this!!! it's Christmas!!' And, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I used to really be concerned what people were getting me for Christmas! Now, I don't have this mastered yet, I'm still a work in progress, but this year I'm just so excited to be with my family. I look at my kids faces, I look into the eyes of my husband, I hold my mothers hand in mine, and I know it sounds corny, but I'm just so blessed to be in their presence - to spend Christmas with each other - and share food, smiles, tears, gifts, love, each other - that is what I am just so excited about. I just love Christmas, and each year, the reason is just a little different, a little deeper from the year before. Sounds like a God thing to me.

Merry Christmas

Dina