Wheel of Chemo - where will it land this week?

Had the most fabUlous weekend.  First off, I luv luv luv Holy week - I just relish in soaking up sermons and scripture so I can continue to learn more and more about Jesus.  I get so excited about it.  Corny, yes.  Then had my husbands cousin and her husband and their two precious little girls come and stay with us over the weekend.  It was so much fun.  When I first met Peggy, it was like I had already known her forever.  Have you ever met someone like that?  We just fell into such an immediate comfortable conversation, it was lovely.  So I was so excited to get to spend more time with her and her family.  Our girls just got along swimmingly, and to have my home filled with giggles and laughter and love - was just the bomb.  Also getting to share our church with them today meant more to me than I can express.  So sad to see them pull away today - the house was so quiet.  It's so funny what people bring into your life unexpectedly.  She is such a great mommy to her little girls, and watching her mother them showed me a calmness that I need to bring to my own mothering.  I've lost that lately, and thank you God for showing me this through my wonderful new friend.  She also says Yes much more than she says No to her girls.  And I'm not talking about them asking for 'things' I'm talking about when they ask her and her husband for 'time'.  Playing, coloring, trampoline, being silly outside - anything.  I need to do that more too.  So thank you Peggy and Brian, for being awesome parents, friends, and showing me some things I need to work on myself.

On the cancer side of life, my blood work which was drawn twice this past week is climbing, but slowly, so once again, no soup for me this week.  Which was bittersweet I guess - glad to feel good for our time with our guests - but really want to um, like kill the cancer too ya know?  I guess since my levels are down it means the medication is still working, I don't know.  Some say that's true some say it's not - does anyone really know?  I like to say my hair fell out cuz the medication is working, but I've heard that is bullshit too - it sounds really good when I explain it to my girls, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  I get my blood drawn again on Wed, then we will see where we are.  Oy.  Hate this not knowing.  Trust.  Trust. Trust.

I'm pushing for my treatment to at least be every other week if not every 3 weeks.  I can't keep doing this blood level dance.  So tired of this.  It's draining emotionally, it is driving me crazy from an organizational standpoint in trying to arrange childcare for my kids - and as long as it doesn't screw up the effect of the medication - it would really make my life easier.  Then I start thinking that I need to finish this cycle, then do one more then I get scanned - and I initially think YAY!  but then I think SHIT! cuz I remember the mental dance I do when I have a scan.  I feel like I pray and pray and pray for a certain outcome and it ends up being completely opposite of what I pray for.  I'm so tired of that.  I need this drug to work, it has to.  I don't want to manage these side effects for a year - can you believe they have someone who has been on this for a year?  Ugh.  I mean, ok - yes, I'll do it if I have to.  Of course I will, but I'm really starting to weigh out this 'quality of life' thing.  I've had a taste of life on treatment - and this sucks.  I can manage most things, I don't want this.  This medication sucks, plain and simple.  We'll see.  I just have to wait and see.  And pray.  Pray.  Pray.  Pray.

I watched the movie 'Jesus' today with Madeline.  She watched the whole thing w/ me - all 3 1/2 hours - just the two of us.  It was awesome.  Every night at the dinner table we have a little ritual we do by each of us taking a turn telling the family what the best part of their day was.  Did you know that Madeline's best part was watching that movie with me today?  I beat out the Easter Bunny, the egg hunt, the candy - well, I didn't, Jesus did.  Pretty cool.  Happy Easter.

God Bless -

Dina