So, get this - my blood work comes back completely fine from my Wed draw - which I get the results from on Thurs, green light to Goodyear, right? So we get there on Friday and we are ready to go - I was only a little hesitant as my side effects were still kind of in full force and the thought of having another treatment gave me a little fear of side effect overload - and my blood work was once again in the hole. Can you believe this?? My white blood cell count went from 10,000 to 2,000 in less than 48 hours. My doc even said he hadn't seen this before. He ordered my labs again just to double check because he didn't believe it. Crazy. So home we went. I'm going to get labs done on Monday and see where we are, then just take it from there I guess. I'm back on antibiotic again, and just realized I ate an entirely fresh organic salad tonight with dinner. Ooops. So there you have it.
As I process these events, I am trying, so hard, to just let it be what it is supposed to be. I mean, thank God they did do my labs, right? They didn't just go off the Wed results, they do my labs every time and for that, I am truly thankful. However, I, if you haven't figured this out yet, am a planner. I like to know when things are happening, where, for how long, and how much it is going to cost if any, so I can organize my life. I would love to be one of those fly by the seat of your pants kinda ladies, alas, I am not. So when these last minute change of plans things happen, it really throws me - physically and mentally. One, it freaks me out my body is doing this - it is surreal to know I can feel one way, and my body behaves completely opposite. More on that later.
So hopefully I will be able to have treatment next Friday, and I just should probably lay low until my numbers come up again, but I must go to church tomorrow, I just can't NOT go. It fills me too much to miss. It feels lately the more I try and go with the flow and work this new treatment into my life, the more it continues to change. Like I'm supposed to be paying attention to it more, or in a different way - I don't know.
The trip to Goodyear was not for nothing. I had a really powerful meeting with my Mind, Body, Spirit guy which turned out to be extremely powerful for me. He and I have been discussing my relationship with my mother. It has been a very interesting dynamic between my mother and I as of late - trying to play the daughter role to an ailing mother, watching her fight her own stage IV lung cancer, and trying to adapt to the inherent role reversal of the child suddenly parenting the parent. Problem is, I think I'd be so much better at this transition if I wasn't fighting stage IV breast cancer myself, thus subconsciously putting myself in a position as a daughter who really wants her mom to mother her. It's like we are both fighting for the child role. And she's really winning. I need to give her some grace. Her choices about her life, I need to forgive her for her addictions that have guided her much through her life. I never considered the biological piece of her, but both of her parents were alcoholics, and that has to factor into her 'person' and what she has gone through her life. Fact is, I've been pissed off about it all these years, bringing it into my relationship with her, while she just carries on as usual. Only hurts me. I don't have to agree with it, and I won't forget, but I need to forgive her. Jesus said 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do'. If He can forgive complete strangers for doing the horrific things that were done to him, I think I can work at forgiving my mother for choosing her addiction over her life. I do feel that yes, there is a human choice here too - she has always had the power to choose to drink, choose to smoke - but I also think some people are just stronger than others, and some people are strong enough to make those choices and fight right through them to the other side. Some are not.
I've got neuropathy this time, numbing of the tips of my fingers - so I have found myself dropping things more often. Also slight numbing of my lips. Annoying more than anything. The mouth thing has really been the most frustrating - nothing tasting right - and such dry mouth - so gross. Back to the extreme constipation too - major ouch and bleeding hemorrhoids - so much fun. I just want to do this, get it done, and then stop this chemo thing. I'm trying so hard to trust. Trust. Trust. That He knows what is best, has trusted me with this suffering. Truth be told? Some days I want to just stay in bed and sleep. Sleep it all away. That's normal right? Funny, when I start thinking this way, Ginger will come in and ask me to tickle her back to help her fall asleep, or Madeline will call for me to come in and snuggle with her. I know that is not by mistake.
I've been going back and forth on completely shaving my head. I'm holding onto this patchy 1/4 inch hair, so I can have some resemblance of a hairline for whatever reason. I have decided however that I will henna tattoo my head, I think that would be wicked cool. That way maybe I would feel comfortable walking around in public without a scarf on. PJ said he would do it, I found a website, 'chemo chicks' that sells these kits to make the paint and has the templates. Super excited about that.
Trying hard this evening to keep my perspective. It wains sometimes, truth be told, and tonight, is one of those nights. I can feel my liver when I touch my abdomen. I can feel it's outline, and I don't have to press very hard at all. What does that mean? That it's inflamed? I have no frickin clue - just know I haven't been able to feel it before, not like this, not ever. Yet, once again, I feel pretty much fine. Tired, yes, but I jumped on the trampoline with my kids yesterday, and cleaned the front and back porches - doing chores, making dinner, blah blah blah. So frickin frustrating to feel one way and have your body behave in a completely contradictory manner - so out of control feeling. I guess I get the scripture 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'. Sorry, this is getting depressing now, isn't it. Ugh.
Well, hate to end on a depressing note, but I'm so sleepy now, and it's very late. I'm going to go the scripture my blessed babysitter, Anna, spoke to me when I got home from CTCA on Friday, she said it's her 'life verse' - which is pretty inspiring considering she is a mere 16. Romans 8: 28 - get how frickin appropriate this is, especially now that I look at it again after writing this post: ' And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them'. Wow. Thanks Anna, you rock.
God Bless -
Dina
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
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