The Big Toe Theory

So here I was, going along, dealing with side effects, and things are settling into what I think is my new temporary normal, when I get a phone call while in Walmart looking for birthday presents for Ginger from my husband who starts out the conversation with 'first of all, I'm OK'.  My heart sunk.  Here I was, slightly irritated that he wasn't getting back to me to discuss gift options, when he finally calls and says this.  I said OK - what happened.  He begins to tell me that he is at the ER and has fallen off a ladder.  I told him I would be right there.  I intentionally calmed myself and calmly left, drove to the ER, praying all the way there.  I knew, in my heart of hearts, that he was OK - that he was taken care of.  I have no explanation for this feeling, but panic never came into my being.  I arrived just as they were coming to get him in the ER waiting room.  He was in a wheelchair, and they wheeled him back.  Long story short, he fell from a 15 foot extension ladder, and escaped with a bruised right heelbone, and a laceration and bruised arm.  Nothing short of a miracle.  The other day PJ showed me his 'angel grip' on his arm - there are 2 small round bruises on his forearm, like fingerprints, as if someone caught him on his way down.

So I am blessed enough to have the BEST circle of friends who gets my kids attended to while I tend to my husband - I just can't believe how blessed I am sometimes.

Now, flash forward to the next day, I am heading to my WOW bible study group, have a great session and upon leaving, I buckle Ginger into her carseat, turn around to head around the car when I slam my right big toe into the tire of the car parked next to me.  It feels like any other time I've really stubbed my toe - so I close my eyes and take a deep breath, look down to see my toenail half ripped out of the nail bed, and blood literally pouring out of my toe.  I immediately thought 'are you serious?  did this really just happen?'  Luckily, once again, this awesome circle of friends and community at my church surround me and get my kid inside and me inside and we asses the situation - I need to go to someone, quickly.  So we choose Urgent Care - thank you Debbie for the ride - and now I get to call PJ and say 'I'm OK' - which we are totally laughing at this point, and he tells me 'you just couldn't let me have my moment, could you ?  you trump me with your big toenail'.  So I get there fully expecting for the doc to remove the toenail, but he tells me he really wants to try to protect the nail bed - (this is gross, so prepare yourself) by pushing the toenail back into the nailbed and then suturing it in place.  He then tries to do this, right there, he tries to push the toenail back into my nail bed - and I finally understand the deep relationship between pain and cursing.  Words came to me that I haven't thought of since my teenage years.  He then decides that perhaps I need a local as he has to cut into my nail bed to put the nail back in then suture it closed.  Wha????  We have to go to another room for that.  Now, I'm a little concerned, and not quite as brave as I thought I was walking in.  I call PJ and tell him what is going on, and get a little emotional I'll admit.  He says he is coming.  Then I realize I better call CTCA and see if I am even allowed to have this done - where are my platelets?  I get my care manager on the phone, tell her what is going on, and after completely grossing her out, she thankfully checks my last labs from the prior week and I was in pretty good shape.  Thank God!  So after 3 - yes 3 locals shot into my big toe - he indeed cut into my nail bed, shoved the nail back in, then after breaking 2 very large needles, he sutured it all into place, then cut the nail back.  I tell you my friends, I have never felt such pain as this - it was brutal.  I totally get the toenail torture thing, totally.  So picture PJ and I both hobbling around our house, both with right foot injuries.  Ridiculous I tell you, ridiculous.

It is healing now, but when we showed up for my treatment on Friday, my doc took one look at my toe and said 'you aren't getting treatment today'.  Seriously?  My platelets were ok - good enough for treatment but if he had given me chemo my platelets normally drop and I could have bled out.  Nice.  Especially nice since I had asked if this was OK and was told to come in.  ARG!!  So basically we drove to Goodyear for me to get a new dressing on my toe from an official 'wound nurse'.  Impressive, I'll admit, but still.

So my treatment was rescheduled for just this past Tues.  Monday was my sweet Ginger's 4th birthday - and she and I just had the best day.  It is tradition in our house to decorate the house for your birthday so when you wake up in the morning you are greeted with signs and balloons and streamers - and of course, gifts.  It was a long day though, and as the day wore on, I noticed that my neuropathy has started to worsen.  It was now starting to go up my arms, as I felt the tingling on my wrists and was having trouble grasping things.  Here's what is actually happening - chemotherapy kills fast dividing cells - like cancer - also hair, and nerve endings.  So with the nerve endings being compromised, the wrong messages get sent to my brain when I go to touch things, pick up things, etc.  Instead of me feeling what I'm touching, I'm feeling tingling and numbness.  This is happening on the bottom of my feet, both legs, my full hands, and now my wrists into my arms.  By Monday evening, I completely broke down and just cried.  From having trouble getting Ginger her meds, to feeling like I couldn't hold a glass in my hand I felt like such a failure as a mom.  I'm so tired of not feeling like the woman I want to be.  The wife I want to be, the mother and daughter I want to be.  This disease just seems to keep throwing road blocks in my way on all levels of this.  PJ didn't want me to have another treatment of Halivan, and I understood why - he doesn't like seeing me suffer like this, and wants to fix it.  But I know that this drug is kinda the only one left on the table here.  If we change drugs, it would be one that I've already been on, and although I feel Taxol worked the first time, my doctor feels that this drug is the best one for me right now.  So they put me in occupational therapy to tackle the neuropathy, which involved a brief emotional breakdown for me - OH - PJ couldn't come with me to treatment on Tues as Madeline was throwing up all morning, so he stayed home to play Mr. Mom while my dear friend Debbie graciously took her whole day to spend with me.  This was totally by God's design, she was awesome.  Anyhoo, occupational therapy ends up giving me these gloves and socks that have this small electrical unit hooked up to them - I wear these, dampened, once a day for a scheduled amount of time, and it is supposed to stimulate new nerve growth.  I have to do this for 30 days, we'll see.  So there's some hope.  Also, my naturopath has put me on an additional B vitamin, also supposed to help.  I am also now able to take milk thistle for my liver and kidney function, and I'm pretty thrilled about that.  My doc is concerned about my neupopathy, and he conducted some neurological tests on me to make sure it hasn't gone far enough to effect my balance.  We are good there - didn't pass with flying colors, but I passed enough for him to feel confident to have treatment.  The last treatment of cycle 3 in fact.  So now, I wait for 2 weeks and then get scanned.  My PET scan is scheduled for May 18th.

I am hopeful - the pain I was experiencing has been gone for some time - in fact, I've not needed any sort of pain medication of any sort for some time now - which is a very hopeful sign.  And that pain diminished pretty much after my first treatment.  I know that my thoughts MUST line up with God's Word - they MUST.  Anything that doesn't line up with God's Word must be cast out - but shit, that is hard to do.  Especially when I don't feel well, when the side effects just seem to take over.  I need to keep my head in the game and tell myself that this is only temporary, that I must suffer only temporarily, and that I will indeed be healed by the stripes of Jesus.  His Word says I will.  And I need to believe that with all my being, but it is hard to do sometimes.  Even if I don't 'feel' it, I am saying it - then hoping my feelings will catch up.  I guess it doesn't help that I recently lost a friend to cancer a week or so ago.  She had stage IV lung cancer, and it took her life 18 months after diagnosis.  Hard to watch that, and still keep on keepin on.  But I will not live in fear - I will not.  I live each day to its fullest, or try to anyway, and keep trying to be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend and child of God that I have been placed on this earth to be.  I try to start each day lately by asking the Lord to show me how to be a blessing to someone else - get the focus off me and onto someone else who needs loved on.  It helps, immensely, and it what I believe we are all supposed to do anyway.

So that should catch ya'll up for now.  It's taking me forever to type this as I have to cope with not feeling the keys beneath my fingertips, just makes me pay attention a little differently than before.  I want to share something that Madeline said to me recently.  I was in the kitchen and dropped something on the floor and I said something like 'dang it' or something like that.  She came into the kitchen and asked me what was wrong.  I told her that the medicine that Mommy is getting to kill her cancer is now making her not always feel things the right way with her fingers and that I am frustrated.  She looked at me and said "well, at least you still have your ears to hear and your eyes to see with".  I said "indeed I do Madeline, indeed I do".  There's some perspective for ya, eh?

God Bless -

Dina