Long Time No Feel!!!!!

I can't believe how long since my last post - and trust me, it's not because I didn't want or need to - cuz I have really needed to as of late - it's just after my last treatment my neuropathy got even worse, and I literally  can't feel the keys I'm typing right now on the laptop.  PJ sweetly offered to type while I dictated, but that just wouldn't feel right.  To be honest I don't really know what I'm going to say until I start typing.  So the house is completely quiet right now, which never happens, so I'm taking advantage as this is taking FOREVER - I must watch everything I am typing and be very intentional.  This neuropathy stuff is the most bizarre thing I get to add to my 'side effects' list.  Before I start bitching, let me bring you up to date:

So I went back on the 18th of this month for the PET scan and we had really great results.  Everything is shrinking!!!  Bone mets and liver mets!! I totally had the line from Seinfeld enter my mind when they said shrinkage "I WAS IN THE POOL!!!"  Anyway, so after 3 years of trial and error, we finally found the drug that is killing this shit.  My neuropathy however has gotten worse.  The only way I can describe it, is the way I explained it to PJ when we went out to lunch waiting for my scan results.  I said  'If I had to quickly run for whatever reason, I would fall.  I feel that unsteady on my feet.'  I can't take my pills each morning without dropping them because I can't feel them in my fingers, I can't draw Ginger's meds without almost spilling it all over the counter, I can't button small buttons.  It is awful.  My doc performed a reflex test on my legs, where they hit that part of your knee with the little mallot thingy?  No reaction.  Not good.  So the plan right now is to take a couple weeks off, let the neuropathy heal a bit, then go back to chemo at a lesser dose.  I can't tell you how thrilled I am for this break - a good couple of weeks to just heal and get stronger.  I'm still doing the rebuilder system, gloves and socks, and to be honest, not sure if its working at all.  But I'll continue like they have instructed.  I just want to exercise, and my energy lately has just been in the shitter.  (in reviewing my blog, the the brown word seems to be at the forefront of my mind today, just warning)

I did finally get to perform just 10 minutes of my one woman show I wrote, which was quite liberating I must say.  It is a show I wrote just before I met PJ and then I never did anything with it.  So I pulled it out, dusted it off, updated it a bit, and put it on its feet.  It awakened things in me I had no idea were still there.  I know it sounds corny, but when I'm on stage, I don't feel any of my side effects.  I don't feel sick.  Maybe it's adrenaline, I don't know - but I love it.  So then that led me to do something else quite crazy looking at it now.  Considering I'm in the middle of chemo treatment, I did something I am quite proud of.  I auditioned for a musical being put on here in my community by a local theatre.  I haven't been on stage in, I figured, 10 years, much less auditioned for a show which takes me to like, 13 years - crazy right?  The show is Annie and I auditioned for the part of Mrs. Hannigan.  A total dream role for me.  Whether I get it or not, I have seen something in myself that even after all this time, I can still do it. And when I left the audition, which I really felt like I nailed, I walked out of the theater and said "Fuck you cancer!  You can't take this from me!"  Then I promptly fell down some wooden stairs cuz  I couldn't feel my feet beneath me.  I'm fine, my legs are banged up, but I'm fine.  Once again, I got up and said - ok sorry for the f bomb, but I still mean it.  I think what I need to do is really figure out what I need to do to do this now.  I can still do it, and I bring so much more to it now than I did 10+ years ago.  I bring maturity, confidence, calmness, love - and most of all, I give it all to Jesus before I go and do anything.  It takes all the pressure off - I almost wish I knew then what I knew now, but then I wouldn't be here.  Anyway, it was very empowering on so many levels.  I literally decided on Sun to audition on Wed, found the music I needed for the audition in Phx on Monday, drove down to get it and got to have dinner with my fabulous friend Cindi, ran through it about 4 times with my awesome friend Kerry using the church piano, then did it on Wed.  This is funny, I'm filling out the audition form and it asks if you are willing to cut or dye your hair.  I wrote "HA!  Let's say I am 'wig-ready'"  I didn't realize how much I loved this piece of me that had been buried for so long, and for good reason, I'm not complaining about this.  I needed to focus on husband, children, cancer - but the things that fill you up, I forgot that this was one of them.  So cool.  We will see if I get cast, but seriously, as cliche as this sounds, this showed me something that I need to continue to tap into, in whichever way God needs me to.  The cobwebbed door has been opened once again.

I have handed over the MOPS group to the new Coordinator.  It was bittersweet I must admit.  I am excited to see where God wants me next, but letting go was harder than I thought.  They surprised me though, my last meeting was last Thursday, and this inspirational, lovely group of women really got me.  They performed this little skit where I was in an Italian restaurant, and Kerry was hilarious!!!!  She played the owner of the restaurant, then proceeded to introduce me to the menu.  Turns out the entire MOPS group pitched in and gathered enough money to send me and my family on a trip of my choice this summer.  I just couldn't believe it.  I mean, we wonder how we are going to put gas in the car, much less even think about taking a trip anywhere - so I can't even tell you what a blessing this is for us.  They offered 5 different trips, one of which was a romantic weekend away for just PJ and I, then they offered us Disneyland.  Well, as much as I bitch about not spending enough one on one time with my husband, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see my kids faces light up at the happiest place on earth.  So we are going to Disneyland!!!!  I am so excited!  And we are going here right quickly as I wanted to take advantage of it while I'm on this break from treatment - when PJ's grandmother gifted us Disneyland a couple years back, I was right in the middle of treatment and had a blast, but pretty much spent half the time in bed. I want my strength up a bit more this time - since we will have both girls with us this time, Ginger wasn't old enough before.  Since we didn't plan for this, we have like, no spending money, but I'm trying not to worry about that  - it will all work out fine, I'm sure of it.  What a gift.  And what an honor to be part of this awesome organization MOPS.  I am humbled by their generosity, and blessed by each of their friendships. Never in my life, have I ever felt connected to a community like I do in this one.  I was led here, most definitely.  I ask for God's direction in seeing where He needs me next, and I can take the love shown to me by this fabulous organization and bless others.

I'm working hard at keeping my head in the game.  Knowing that where the mind goes, the man follows, I gotta make sure my mind is always going in a good direction.  That's hard sometimes, most of the time, but I'm practicing it - and practice makes perfect, right?  I still get those, let's call them 'shitballs' thrown at me every now and then, that try to knock me off my game.  I got greeted by a friend I hadn't seen for awhile at church on Mother's Day with 'God gave you another one!'  cue confused look, do they mean another kid?  like Brittney?  then here comes the explanation 'Another Mothers Day - He gave you another one'.  Seriously?  I mean, in my mind, I have many many more coming to me - what a stupid thing to say to someone, right?  Shitball hitting me right in the face.  So I take out my boogie wipes, chuckle a bit, and start to wipe it off.  Most times I get it all and continue throughout my day just fine, other times this shitball gets stuck in the creases and crevices of my aging complexion and I find myself continuing finding remnants of it throughout the day, week.  But I guess we all have shitballs thrown at us, we just have to always arm ourselves with the proper wipes, chuckle to ourselves, know what Gods Word says that He wants for us, and wipe it off.

God Bless -

Dina