Up For Mapping anyone?

Wow - I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. I think my trip this past week to Phx has taken me this long to recover from. I went down on Wed of last week for a couple things actually - had an appt in the am with my plastic to review my healing status - seems my left boob is still hanging onto scar tissue for dear life, although he said it is dropping. He also said that I don't see this because I see it every day, but to trust him, it was dropping. OK. I just see that one is higher than the other - wouldn't it figure. AND it's the left one, the one that was FINE!! The irony, really. In any case, they are way more comfortable than the expanders, I'm just glad to have those out and these squishies in. He said it really takes 3 months for them to settle in correctly, so we'll see what time brings me. He did say that if the scar tissue didn't release he could always go back in when he does the final piece of reconstruction. Now, remember, I don't use the "N" word (top of the boob word) because it totally sceeves me out - and to be honest, I don't really know if I want the final piece of reconstruction done - part of me is just fine like this. Kinda tired of the whole thing ya know? But I am morbidly curious to see how this works - that is what is driving me to complete this process more than anything - not my need for 'tops' because, hating that word my entire life, it's really kinda cool to not have to worry about such things in t-shirts or anything. We'll see how I feel when that time comes around. My curiosity may just get the better of me - even though I'm told I have to walk around with 'caps' on for a time - to make sure the 'tops' he forms out of scar tissue don't fall off or anything - why couldn't they just take some pencil erasers and hot glue them on? I can't feel anything there anyway. I could do that myself, it would be way cheaper. Hmmmmmm...

So my next appt on Wed was at CTCA and I was caught in that horrendous storm on the way there - I now know what the term 'biblical proportions' actually looks like - cuz that storm was of such - frightening and cool all at the same time. Made it safe and sound and met with the radiologist as he needed to give me his stamp of approval for this whole theresphere protocol as well. He was awesome, and did indeed pass me through to the procedure. Then I went and had a meeting with my oncologist, got a blood draw, ran over to imaging to get a quick chest xray, then back for my Zometa treatment. I'm still getting accustomed to this new team, they are very nice - some have 'the face' on, and some are genuinely nice - I think I'm just one of those rare people who know the difference - but it is all good. I also think it is difficult for another facility to just pick up where someone else left off in their treatment - trying to make their way through the paperwork into what THEY know as routine is a process, in short, I'm trying to move with the cheese here. So far so good, just frustrating a times, for them as well I'm sure.

Ended up crashing at my moms place Wed night as I didn't get back to her place to pick up Ginger till after 6pm - and we weren't sure what the weather would bring me for the drive back home up north, so I stayed there. Needless to say, it was a long day. Good news is, I'm officially scheduled for my 'mapping' procedure. It will be on Tues the 19th of Oct at 8am. This is a way bigger deal than the actual procedure, because they will be doing a test run with injected dye to see if the procedure will actually work, or what they need to do to make sure it will work. Let's just pray for the mapping to reveal everything they need it to to make this work. C'mon body - cooperate. I feel good about this, really good. I am actually hopeful, which I haven't been in awhile.

I did put a call into my advocate to discuss the fact that I'm not taking anything right now and that feels really strange. Since this all started, I've always been on something. Chemo, estrogen blocker, something. Now? Nothing. Doesn't feel right. I mean, logically, I know we are focused on my liver - but what about the rest of the cancer? I need to protect my bones still and I know I just had a Zometa treatment, but that isn't a 'cancer fighter' that's more of a 'bone strengthener' - so I want to discuss this. I just saw an article about a drug called Faslodex for women with advanced breast cancer. This is an estrogen blocker that has just been approved by the FDA for a higher daily dose and has had, so far, pretty positive results. So I'm going to ask about it. We'll see. Don't know if I can be taking this when this procedure is on the horizon, so I thought I'd ask.

I've been working really hard at just being present. Sometimes remembering to do that is just the furthest thing from my mind, so I've had to really focus on being better at this and it is working. Hugging my kids, kissing my husband, talking with my mom, all of these things are so frickin awesome - they are even more awesome if I can be aware enough to be in the moment with them - 100%. I know the last couple of months, my brain has been so stuck in the 'what if's' and the 'why me's' - when this happens, I lose out on the present moments - and those moments are so amazing. I am so blessed to have the family I have - to have the friends I have - to have the community I have - to have the life I have. Believe it or not - watching my kids faces last weekend while they watched Storytime Live at Tims Toyota Center was probably the coolest thing I've experienced in quite a long time. Normally, I would have been wrapped up mentally in 'what time are we leaving, what are we going to do for dinner, what time are they actually going to get to bed, what time are we going to get home, this is running later that I thought' blah blah blah. I would have missed it completely - but not now. This state of present consciousness is not habit - it's work - and takes a hell of a lot of self reminding, but I'm slowly disciplining myself to do this, and it's extremely rewarding. At the same time, I am constantly giving thanks to the Lord above for all the wonderful things I have in my life, everyday. Whenever I start feeling bad, I try to make myself smile and give thanks, and my feeling eventually does catch up. Again, practice. Practice makes perfect.

Well - I'm off to tend to my feet. They have not completely healed from the Xeloda yet, and are hurting today so I'm going to soak them, put on some cream and some soft booties and rest. Yesterday was a day full of awesome family errands and soccer games and yard work - today I am tired, and just, well, out of it. Hard to describe, but I'm just out of sorts today, can't quite pinpoint it - and I can't even use tired as an excuse because my husband gave me a nap today - so who knows. We are on fall break now and I'm actually going to get to the gym tomorrow. Haven't been in over a week and it's driving me crazy. Looking forward to a week of life on OUR schedule and not school schedule. Yay!!!

Have a great week all - God Bless.