We'll Figure It Out

I have been cooped up with the girls with the coughing crap all last week, then PJ got it at the tail end of the week through the weekend - now, I can feel myself fighting it too. I was making up the bed in the spare bedroom one morning last week when the words above just came into my head, seemingly out of nowhere. I said it out loud to myself "we'll figure it out" and suddenly a sense of peace came over me. Don't get me wrong, I know how this looks - it looks bad. And if I forget that it looks bad? All I have to do is be around someone close to me and I am reminded - simply by the looks on their faces - like people are losing hope. I'm not being a bitch here, seriously, but I think this has gotten to a point where people have run out of things to say - or they are afraid to say anything hopeful because it has been such a shitty road thus far. I don't blame them - I would probably be the same way. However, I - ironically enough - am full of hope. Not all the time, I am human, but most of the time, I really am. I look at what I have going for me - I feel fantastic, a normal liver function test, healing bones, no recurrence anywhere else - it's just this pesky liver tumor we gotta figure out how to manage. I have had many conversations with myself and the man upstairs and know, that ultimately, He and I are in this together, and it doesn't really matter what others think, say, look like when then see me, etc. Do I want someone to tell me everything is going to be fine? You bet your ass I do! Every frickin day! So I tell myself this, everyday. I wake up in the morning, sore - from Erin's class at the Y - thank you - but ready to face the day with my beautiful children and make this life the best I can. I am constantly reassuring myself - which, oddly enough ends up me reassuring other people too. Funny.

However, when I start feeling that fear - I try to just say to myself, 'turn this fear into faith Dina - do it!' and it does work. It really takes some effort, but it is working. I need to stop myself from getting all pissed and sad and upset and jealous of others who don't have to go through this - I have been doing this a lot lately and I need to just stop. It doesn't change anything, except my mood from pretty OK to pretty depressed - and what fun is that? When this happens, I try to remember to remind myself that this is what I have - like it or not - this is what I have - I get to choose how I react to it. Do I stay all pissed and sad and angry about it? Cuz that's easy - I can do that all day long, probably while I'm sleeping. I keep trying to turn this around on hope. Hope. Trust. Hope. I'm not afraid to say it's going to be alright. I say it to myself all the time.

So I'm feeling all this crap up there in that paragraph above, and my mind just races like this all the time because, well, I spend a LOT of time in the car. Anyway, I get here to CTCA today for my bone scan and to meet w/ my onc and I am in the waiting room, and I pull up my email on my phone (this is where PJ gets pissed cuz I'm not supposed to use this data function on our plan) and here's the devotion for today. OK - I have to just post it here, sorry for the long read:

… and she lives happily ever after.
9 Feb 2011
Glynnis Whitwer
"... your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."Psalm 139:1(NIV)

I recently finished a bestselling novel. It was over 1,000pages, epic in size and story, and consumed me for weeks. A respected acquaintance recommended it, and once committed, I stuck with it to the end ... in spite of wanting to quit, often.

By the end of the first chapter, I realized it wasn't going to be an easy read. The story was set in the middle ages, with uncomfortably real sections. Perhaps I'm a bit sheltered, but it seemed to contain unnecessarily graphic descriptions. Skimming over the uncomfortable spots, I kept reading.
The book ended well, but there were times when I was ready to close the cover, and move on to something happier. The antagonists were just too mean. The plot too painful. The abuse, greed and vindictiveness too ugly to dwell on.
If that book ended badly, I would have been disgruntled at spending weeks of my life on it. On the other hand, I would have been frustrated to quit before finishing. Here's why.

If I had quit reading at page 245,the story would have seemed hopeless. I might have thought the villains won, or the hero and heroine never reconnected. If I had read a bit further, to say page 576, the story would have ended with justice as an impossible dream, and hatred and revenge as unavoidable and all-consuming parts of life.But now,after reading the book in its entirety, I can see the amazing story. The plot progressed steadily; there was tension, conflict and eventually resolution. Good did triumph, although not without many bumps along the way.

It got me thinking that our lives are a bit like that. For those of us who have accepted Christ, we will have a happy ending in heaven with God. One way or another, our story will end well. But not every page or chapter in our story is happy.

Today might be page 452 for me. And on page 452 there is conflict and tension. Last year might have been chapter nine. And in chapter nine, the protagonists struggle financially, and wonder why God allowed such pain into their lives. If I only read one page or chapter, I would have a very different view of the story.

Yet the Author of my story has a purpose for every page and chapter in my life. He’s got a story in mind and is building and developing the plot every day. No story is conflict-free. No story is complete without a challenge. Victory is empty without a struggle.

Today, I’m considering my life as a grand story. Good will triumph. The victory will be sweeter because of the struggle. Today is not the story. It’s just page 452. So I will press on, trusting in a loving and creative Author to bring about resolution. You see, I already know the ending – she lives happily ever after.

Dear Lord, I praise You for Your creative and all-powerful nature. In light of the difficulties I'm facing today, I choose to trust You, believing You are writing an epic story in my life. Help me to press on when I want to give up. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

It's quite a trust issue to just know that you already live 'happily ever after'. But it also reinforces the fact that we have one shot on this earth - one. That's it. The most perfect part of this prayer for me is 'in light of the difficulties I'm facing today, I choose to trust You'. That is HUGE! I will press on, and I won't give up. Not by a long shot. This is a time in this disease where I feel two completely opposite things at the same time. I feel the most alone I have ever felt, yet the most loved by the Lord. Quite a dichotomy.

I was getting my blood drawn just a bit ago, and here comes another thought seemingly out of nowhere. The thought was 'they are here to help you'. Now as stupid as this sounds, I really think I needed to hear this because I think I have subconsciously thought that these people with their normal cancer free lives where the bad guys - they were the ones always delivering the bad news, right? I need to remember that they have dedicated their lives to helping others. I think, once again subconsciously, that I still hang onto that 'in charge' person and that I'm supposed to be the one to take care of others and these people really are just here because it's their job not because they actually want to HELP me - I am wrong. So - I will open my eyes again at these people, and choose to have them viewed with hope filled eyes. I wasn't even aware I was doing this, but I think I was. Bringing this negativity into these appointments. Not on a huge level, I always am making everyone laugh around here, but on a deeper level, inside of me.

I'm going to go get something to munch on before my appt in an hour or so. I have a list of questions to ask the onc and the naturopath and the dietician. We'll figure it out.

God Bless