At Least I'm Earning my Disability

Well, I was feeling kinda guilty for receiving my disability payments recently cause I was feeling so good - at least this scan has wiped that guilt away. Unfortunately, I've been having those stupid, annoying dark thoughts - which I now realize I do this every time this journey takes these types of turns. Thoughts of dying, of not being around to raise my children, to thinking of my husband meeting and loving another woman, and that woman raising my kids and them calling her mommy, of my husband making love to her - this is some f()*cked up shit - right? Shit - I can't even type this without crying about it. This is probably the most painful, heart wrenching part of this journey, is how my mind goes to these places - and I just cry - cry so hard, so deeply, so A F R A I D. I tell these things to my husband, which is probably really unfair - I mean, I'm expecting him to say 'Dina - that's not going to happen' or 'Dina, I could never love another woman' or 'Dina - you are the only mommy these children will ever know'. These are the things I WANT him to say - but he doesn't. He just looks at me, tells me that everything is going to be fine while trying to digest all of this himself. I expect him to be there as this rock, this solid rock of positivity, of reassurance, of constant comfort - and I forget that he is going through this too. Then I worry that he doesn't have anyone he can go to with this - no one he can go to to talk about his fears, his anger, his frustration. It isn't me anymore - I don't know who he is talking to, and it breaks my heart. I am then reminded of where I really can find all of this - and it brings to mind the ironic 'word' I chose for this year to work on and incorporate into my life - TRUST. Frickin ironic, eh? Well, this word could not be more appropriate for what I am facing now.

Then I read a story in the paper of a 28 year old mother who was also 6 months pregnant with their 2nd child who suffered a brain aneurysm and both died and I think - wow. We really just don't know, do we? None of us know - and it's tragic at times, ironic at others, miraculous at others - we just all have these individual journeys and we just don't know what they hold in store for us. I'm trying really hard to just operate in 'feel' mode, and I am feeling so great. It's like this inner battle is ongoing with my thoughts trying to 'take me down' so to speak. My heart versus my brain. I heard recently that it's a hell of a lot longer than just 18 inches between your head and your heart - ain't that the frickin truth, right? In any case, the past few days have felt like an inner battle between the two.

So I had forgotten the insurance dance that needs to take place in obtaining the Xeloda pills. I did remember the $5k cap on name brand drugs on our policy which is why we had to apply to the drug mfg for financial assistance last time (they don't make a generic of course) but I forgot about the $500 deductible. So now I've added winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes to my list of nightly prayers. Hey - someone has to win, right??? In any case, we're making our way through that red tape right now so we can get started on it as quickly as possible. I started the arimidex (which does have a generic thank you GOD) on Sat and that is fine so far. I don't remember when the side effects of the Femara started happening way back when, but I'm trying to just keep moving forward and not think about it. I go back to CTCA on Friday for a bone scan which is standard when starting an aromatase inhibitor and a meeting w/ my oncologist. I'll be asking some questions - like, how do we know this is even breast cancer on my liver - should we investigate liver cancer chemos - why isn't surgery something we are talking about - why can't we do theresphere again with a higher dose - those kinds of things. I want to make sure I'm focusing all my attention on what the current plan is, and sometimes I think my me thinking of all these other things I'm already assuming this current plan won't work - but then again I realize, there goes my brain again, I have to tune in more to my gut - and my gut says that I'm fine. I just need this stupid scan to catch up with how I feel.

Amidst all of this I have been taking an Arizona Defensive Driving Course in order to negate the speeding ticket I received - what a dichotomy that has been, seriously. So awesome you can take them online now, and log in and out when I had an extra 30 minutes or so. It has been an awesome diversion, so well timed for my first speeding ticket - ever. And thankfully, it won't appear on my record - cuz that is REALLY IMPORTANT isn't it? In the big scheme of things? If you're wondering like I did how they know it's you and that you're even paying attention through the course, the one I took threw in these random statements in the middle of the course section. Like I'm reading about lane changing and all of a sudden it says 'Corporal Klinger in the hit series MASH wore a size 10 dress shoe.' Then they would test you on this at the end - it was hilarious. So that, ironically again, was a blessing.

The message this last Sunday was about Fear - again the irony - and we recited Psalm 23 - which I couldn't get through without crying. But to be completely honest, the softest place I can fall is in the arms of my Lord and Savior. He is the only one who knows, in the deepest part of my soul, where I am and what I need. He is the only place I feel safe - the only true place I feel peace, and comfort, and assurance of hope and my future. If I just take the moment it takes to tune into it, especially when I am feeling the battle of my mind, then I find peace - but doing that continues to take practice, and discipline, and trust.

I sat in a steamed bathroom last night with Ginger who woke up around 12:30am with this horrible croupy cough. Then laid her next to me as she struggled to breathe through her coughing and was awake till 3am. This is where I'm meant to be, this is who I was created to be, this is what the Lord has intended for me to be. Right here - right now - in this family, mother of these children, wife to this man. No one can ever take that away.

God Bless -