Stop The World I Want To Get Off

So my last post was lengthy, and was quite awhile ago. I got my head screwed on straight after that last CTCA appt - and have been actually in a really good place mentally and spiritually about my treatment and such. I noticed that my medical staff wasn't 'freaked out' like I was, and we ended up chatting for quite some time about me, my treatment and what they felt would work. It made me realize that if they aren't freaking out, why should I be? But then almost immediately I realized - wait - why are you looking to THEM as your gage, you should be looking UP for that comfort, and that is available always, if I just look up. Drats. I keep forgetting to let Him - dang it. Trust. Trust. Trust.


So then my mom goes into the hospital this last week with a blood clot in her leg. She was in for 2 days and released late this past Thurs. I find this constant struggle of feeling the need to be by her side at all times, and be the mom and wife to my own family. I know we only live 80+ miles away, but this past week it has felt like an eternity away. Blessedly I have been able to help coordinate friends and family to assist with her care, but I wish it could be me all the time. I was able to spend all day Wed with her - and I sat there, watching her while she dozed on and off, I could feel her inner struggle. I sat there and could feel it as if it were my own - and I wanted so desperately to take it away from her. She is so frail, so weak - I can see in her eyes the doubt if she has the strength to do what is necessary to get better. I know this look - but I know this from a completely different perspective, and a perspective from about 32 years younger. My mom was always the one who held everyone together - the one who stepped in to raise her first special needs granddaughter when no one else would step up to the plate - the one who grabbed hold of the word 'independence' when she suddenly found herself divorced in the early 80's and ran a marathon with it - she was key in how I perceived myself as a woman, and independent, self-sufficient woman. She's tired - and I can't really blame her. I don't know how to be there for her - maybe I need to just ask her. She is getting a second opinion with another oncologist which is a blessing - the idiot doc she had paid no attention to her complaints that her leg was hurting when she was in - perhaps if he had just looked at her leg, she wouldn't have been in such dire straights this past week. Jerk.

So we are there in Phx with her on Sat along with my aunt and cousin who came in from CA to help (thank you Jesus) and Ginger has another seizure. This one was different, and she actually stopped breathing and started turning blue, so we called 911 this time. Is this supposed to be a sign that I'm not paying enough attention to my family? Because if it is - please lay off my kid!! This seizure was more drawn out - she is more developed now so she is now somewhat aware of what is going on and trying to communicate that to me - it was so frickin scary. I am holding her, she is throwing up, but in a 'passed out' kind of state - it's kind of flowing out of her mouth and nose - not projectory - then I hear PJ's voice say 'dina, she's turning blue you've got to get her to start breathing' and I did what you are sooooo not supposed to do - I turned her around and kind of sat her on my lap with my arm around her mid section and stuck my finger down her throat - I thought maybe she had vomit in her throat. I felt her react to this and I think this kind of shocked her into breathing again, because the color quickly came back to her face, but then she clamped down on the tip of my finger - seizing - and would not let up. I can't even explain this pain, but I totally get why we as women are so much better at tolerating this. I was sitting there thinking 'wow - this REALLY hurts - but she's breathing and I'll get my finger out of here eventually' and the pain just went away. We tried to pry her jaw open and that wasn't working, then I just spoke to her in a calm voice ' Gingy hun, let go of mommy's finger please, open your mouth' and she let up a bit. Then I just held her and the fire dept got there. She started coming around and was responding, slowly, but responding. They checked her temp, her blood sugar, her blood pressure, everything - normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. So frickin frustrating. When this one started we were on the floor in the bedroom getting ready to play a board game - she sat down on her knees to join the game then sat up and put her hand to her throat and looked at me. I thought she swallowed a game piece at first, asking her what was wrong and patting her on the back - then I watched her expression change to that of the familiar, seizure type of face. Where she just checks out - although this time she slowly transitioned to this, it wasn't as fast as it has been.

We didn't go to the hospital. We knew what would happen as we've done that before. They would have put her through a barrage of tests again only to tell us they found nothing and we just couldn't put any of us through all of that again. We just wanted to go home. So as we traveled up the hill back to Dewey that night, I sat in the back of the van holding her all the way home. The moon was full and bright - I could see it through the back window and the winter storm was at a calm point as we drove home. I held her - and just cried in the backseat - looking up to the sky cursing this God I love so much. Enough already - seriously. And if one more person tells me that 'God won't give you anymore than you can handle' I think I'll just kick them in the crotch. I am at a loss as to where my emotions are to be directed - I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions - like I don't know where I'm supposed to be focusing my attention. Like I need to be in 3 different places at once - and I just can't. And all 3 places are really important. Oh yea, and I'm dealing with these new chemo pills and I'm not feeling really great. Maybe it's because of everything else going on, maybe it's because I'm fighting this head and chest thing my family had for a week - maybe maybe maybe. I just feel like crying. I want to fix everything, and I can't. I just can't. I want my mom to be better. I want to figure out what is wrong with my Ginger. I want these pills I'm taking to kill the cancer inside of me. I want I want I want. I know that the Word says we will receive what we ask for if we just ask - however, we get things in His time - not ours. Perhaps I can find some comfort in that. But I need to keep moving forward. I can't tell you how much I just want to crawl into bed, pull the sheets over my head and sleep - for days. Actually, some people do this - I know, I cannot.

I was supposed to be in Phx today again to check on my mom and get a meal list to her to follow and take Madeline to a pediatric urologist to review her tests she had done a couple months ago - but today I woke up feeling sick. Great. So we all stay home today, and I head down to Phx tomorrow for my tattooing. Then Phx again on Fri for my CTCA appt - just labs and my calcium infusion. I can't believe how much I am driving. Gas prices are killing us - I'm adding to my list of prayers the price of gas to go down. Oy.

I hate to be all BLAH in this post - I am usually able to write myself into a better state of mind, but I'm finding this challenging today.

My hubby and I celebrated 6 years last weekend - the 12th. It was so cool - Madeline asked me if she could see pictures of us getting married and so I pulled out the pics and the video which PJ and I had never watched (shame on us) and after dinner we all gathered on mom and dads bed w/ popcorn in hand and watched our wedding video. It was pretty cool. For those who don't know, PJ and I got married in Vegas - at the Hilton on the Star Trek Experience ride. Yes, we were married on the USS Enterprise. It was pretty frickin cool. We hired someone dressed as a Borg and a Klingon as our witnesses and made anyone who came wear Spock ears. Hilarious. It was pretty cool to relive that I must say. I wonder how long it will take Madeline to realize I was 8 weeks pregnant with her when we got married. We kinda decided to have a baby together before we decided to get married. Oops.

I'll try to be more diligent about posting - I need this so much. It helps unclutter my brain. Plus this tattooing will be an interesting experience. I wonder if they have a book of areolas for me to thumb through to pick out - like 'areola mug shots' kind of thing. Maybe I should have them start shaped - that would be kinda cool - hmmmm. Can't wait to see the look on her face when I ask for this - I love it.

God Bless -