Areola Mug Shot Book

Well the above indeed does not exist - as much as I wanted it to. You should have seen the face of the woman who does the tattooing for Dr. Mo's breast cancer patients when I asked her if she had one for me to flip through - looking for stars, cowboy hats, something original. Had to tell her that yes, I was kidding. Oy. But they are looking great - had my second tattooing done on Tues and all is going well. May need to do one more as the ink tends to not take as well on scar tissue (who knew?) so we will see. It's really up to me - so we'll see how these heal up and what the final look turns out to be. I've lost - drum roll please - 13 pounds so far and am feeling really really great. Wish I could exercise more, but trying to balance that with time at home and with my kids - and like most moms of little ones, just trying to balance everything. I just wish there were a couple more hours in the day. My sister came to visit my mom and then spent a couple days up here with me and it was really nice. Much like my two little girls, my sister and I are polar opposites of each other, and I hadn't seen her since Ginger was born - so this visit was almost like experiencing something that was familiar but as a totally different person. Not that it is about me, but her coming here and being at my moms place with her gave me an internal sigh of relief - like I didn't have to carry around that worry for my mom for a couple days - which made me realize that I was actually doing this. I didn't realize how much worry I was carrying around with me. I'm not sure what happened during my spring break - maybe it was experiencing the difference between my sister and myself on this new level, but I have obtained such a huge sense of peace for my mom, and have been able to let go of my need to feel responsible for what she is going through. I don't know if I can explain this correctly - but I am the kind of person who literally feels what others feel the moment they walk into a room. This as I've mentioned before, is something I really like about myself. However, what I have realized is 'feeling' sometimes turns into 'owning' and that, is not healthy. Now, my sister on the other end, is not like this at all. She is completely separate from others, doesn't engage at all - whether this is a conscious choice, a defense mechanism, just the way she is wired - not sure. In any case, I realized that I need to find a happy medium, at least where my mom is concerned. Or at least, I can 'feel' to empathize and feel compassion for, however, these 'feelings' are not mine to own and manage. The one who owns them are responsible for owning and managing them. What a concept, eh? It makes sense I would fall into this trap, I mean, when you feel like shit, you want to fix it, right? In any case, this was a huge realization for me - and I feel like I have opened yet another door to a greater understanding of who God created me to be - never ending adventure. Ginger has been handling her meds ok - I need to get her up to 2ml in the am and 2ml in the evening - so far I'm at 1 and 2 - so we're almost there. I am taking her in to see her neurologist on Mon afternoon - I want him to see her again and talk to him face to face about this. The second opinion I'm getting is scheduled for May. I thought I was hovering before, but wow, am I hovering now. I looked at PJ earlier this week and said 'am I one of those people? those people who just seem to invite bad shit into their lives?' I know you know who I'm talking about - the people who unfortunately just need drama to have something to talk about, to bitch about and it just seems to always get worse and worse and worse - am I one of those people? I really thought I was a positive, glass is half full kind of person. But then I look at the pile being put on my life plate and I feel the need to review what the hell I'm doing - ya know? My loving husband gave me the roll of the eyes and the annoyed tone while he answered 'no dina, you're not one of those people'. Which I appreciate - but still. Had my appt at CTCA yesterday and all went well. I'm handling the current meds just fine, and he gave me a 4 week leash then we'll do another scan. So that CT scan will happen on 4.29 and we'll see how the current meds are working. I read an article about how cancer makes you feel like you have lost control - and a way to get that feeling back is to realize that while we can't always control the information coming at us, we can control the way we react to it. I'm sure this has been said to me before, but I heard it differently this time. I mean, the emotional roller coaster of this disease for me is crazy, to think I can regain some of my control back is attractive to me. It will take some focus and intentionality from me - but wouldn't it from everyone? I mean, not only about cancer - but just life in general? I think this is another reason why God gave us free will - shitty things are going to happen, they have to, but we get to decide if we're going to bitch and moan, or look at it and say - what am I suppose to see here? What am I suppose to learn? Sucks sometimes, and I think we need that time to say so, but then we must take the next step. Well, I must. OH - and in the same article, a cancer survivor was talking about how she didn't want cancer to define her. Now, I've talked about this before, but something she said made it a little more tangible to me - she said that when people asked her about herself, cancer was like, 4th on the list. So I thought about this for myself - and thought about what I would say if someone came up to me and said 'tell me about yourself'. Cancer wasn't even in my answer. As much as this is teaching me, I'm not letting it define me to others. Pretty cool. God Bless -

Clarity Comes in the Shower

I'm not sure why but this is so true for me. Maybe it's because God knows that this is the only time I am ever truly alone - well - when Ginger doesn't realize I'm showering because lately if she does, she is in the shower with me - but usually, this is where I am really able to hear God speak to me - as corny as that sounds. In the shower.

So my week this week was one of those chaotic mom weeks - which - I secretly love. I think if I didn't have cancer I would be complaining about having to be so many places and be stressed and blah blah blah - bitch bitch bitch - but I suppose the moment I start to feel 'stressed' by being a busy mom of two - I am very quickly reminded of how blessed I am to even be a busy mother of two - and it immediately calms my soul. Doesn't take away the tired and natural stress, but it certainly is my new 'perspective of living, and I am so grateful to have this perspective. It thrusts me into each moment of my life so fully - it is amazing.

Ginger had yet another seizure yesterday - and that has thrown me for a loop. This one was much longer and much different than the others before, and for those who don't know - the last one she had in Phx just a couple weeks ago resulted in a phone call from her neurologist to me who simply called in a medication called Depacote - which after reading up on I decided NOT to give her and pursue another opinion. I assumed that since her seizures were coming 2 months apart I had time to get this done, but obviously, I was wrong. This seizure again included her vomiting, thankfully she did not aspirate this time, but this one appeared much more 'epileptic' in nature - although she has never been diagnosed with this. I called 911 because it was lasting about 5 minutes - which seemed like an eternity. When the fire dept arrived she was just coming out of it - and after describing it to them, the pretty much asked me 'do you want to ride with us in the ambulance or will you meet us at the hospital?" We spent 5 hours in the hospital and of course, all tests came back normal. They did speak to her neurologist and administered her first dose of anti-seizure medication there at the hospital. They said that even if we didn't want THIS medication, to give it for now until I meet w/ her docs to discuss which med is appropriate. The med they prescribed is Keppra - and when the emergency room doc came in and said to me "I just got off the phone with the 'on call' doc for your neurologist office and he recommended Keppra instead of Depacote" I had the overwhelming feeling that this was exactly the reason we were where we were - to get this different medication. I have very mixed emotions about this - and I have been 'reliving' this seizure for the past 24 hours - it was just me at home with Ginger, Madeline, and a little friend of Madeline's who had come over to spend the night. I know Gods hand was on Ginger and I - it is not by coincidence that I just happen to always be with her when these happen - she has had 7 of these now - and I've been right there for each one of them. When I was on the phone with the 911 operator I had to lay her down on the floor on her side and I laid on my side right in front of her and just kept talking to her. She was fixated on looking up, eyes dilated, and she was trying to form the word 'mom' and she grabbed the back of my neck and just began pulling me into her over and over and over. It was so scary.

So back to my shower clarity - I'm showering last night after we were home, settled and had everyone in bed and I realized that I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I've been obsessed with the 'why'. And from what I've read, we may never know why. Ever. I think I have been subconsciously thinking someone would tell me that it was food, or stimulation, or something that I could fix then they would stop. I need to just embrace what is happening, which is the fact that my Ginger has seizures, and learn about them and treat them. I'm starting to change my way of thinking, and reading a fabulous book called 'Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood - A Guide' which is simply amazing. I am starting to feel so empowered. A new direction for me to embrace this situation. Deep breath.

I'd be lying if this hadn't made me more adamant about getting better myself. These precious children need their mommy - and my little Ginger needs her mommy to beat this frickin cancer and take care of her. God and I have had some heated discussions about how he chose me, me to be their mommy - and not that anyone else doesn't deserve to raise their own children, but that I feel so deeply, so incredibly deeply, that I need to be here to help my children through this life. Ginger needs her mommy - and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

So far so good on the meds. She takes a dose in the morning, and another in the evening. Since I do the same, I tell Ginger and she gets to take her medicine with mommy - so that seems to be going fine. I haven't seen any major side effects so far from Ginger. I am praying that this is the answer. I think I will continue to seek another opinion - even though I can't get into see him until May - and maybe someone local. Trying to tune into that gut feeling, which is so clouded by confusion and fear right now - just trying to work through that and be still.

My sister arrives this evening from MA and my mother is so thrilled for her to arrive. She'll stay with my mom for a couple days then I will go down and get her and bring her up here. I haven't seen her since Ginger was born, so I am so looking forward to just spending time with her. And it is so great for my mom to spend time w/ her too - I know she has missed her so much. My mom and Brit used to travel to Cape every summer but obviously have not been able to do that for the last couple of years.

I continue to pray for the reminder that I cannot control these things. That the decisions I make, if tuned into the Lord, are the things He uses to bring me closer to Him, but when we are so afraid, we often do not hear this and are driven by our own need for 'answers'. He reminded me recently of when I was originally diagnosed, and how long I was obsessed with the 'why'. That was just a huge waste of time - I had to focus on getting better. So now, with my little Ginger, I need to let go of the 'why' and focus on getting her better. Might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use.

God Bless -

Real Life Prayer Chain

My recent appt at CTCA went fine actually - my blood counts were normal, of course, I've lost 9 lbs which everyone is thrilled about, including me - isn't it ironic that the normal emaciated side effect of cancer and going through therapy is quite the opposite with breast cancer - breast cancer treatment actually makes you gain weight - something I found challenging before cancer anyway - but I am finally feeling like I am taking control of this part of my physical self. I am exercising and eating better and making better choices and it is making a HUGE difference in how I feel. I feel really great. My onc doesn't want to talk scans till the end of the month - he wants to give this medication combination a chance to work, at least 8 weeks. So I feel like I have this regime under control - the chemo pills are fine and the aromatase inhibitor is fine - I'm really handling these drugs very well. The side effects of both of these drugs I felt when I was on them before are no where to be seen - at least for now - so I feel like I've been given this longer leash and that feels pretty good. I enjoy these 'between scans' times rather than loathe them - I figure I've got this awesome stretch of time to enjoy my family, feel great, grow out my hair, and live each day - who knows what next month will bring, for any of us really, right?

My mom is doing better - and Ginger is be bopping along - you'd never know anything was ever wrong with her. I've been trying to get a second opinion scheduled for her but have yet to be successful in playing the telephone tag game. Frustrating.

So - without going into details cuz it's really just not worth it - we changed home churches about a month or so ago - it was a difficult heart wrenching decision for our family, but we needed to make this change. So, I'm sitting in service this past Sunday and after listening to the message, I go up to receive communion and then, without even being consciously aware I head to the prayer area, kneel in front of the cross and begin to pray for my mom and Ginger. I am quietly knelt there when I feel a hand on my shoulder, another on my back, then another on my arm. I then hear people praying over me - praying that God restore me to the original form in which He created me in my mothers womb - that this cancer was not of Him, and to restore me to my original form. I am brought to tears by this image, and suddenly I have this image enter into my mind of this chain of souls - a chain of souls reaching to heaven, all holding hands. This is what it is all about isn't it? I'm knelt praying for my child and mother, while others are behind me praying for me, while others are subconsciously behind them praying for them, and so on. I was filled with such peace, and the image of being 'restored to my original form' was extremely powerful for me to envision. It was an amazing experience.

So the tattooing went well - I was all ready to pick out my areola but it was much more uneventful than I had anticipated. She literally had a stencil - like the plastic ones we had in grade school - a stencil of circles that she just picked one out and drew a circle around each one then went ahead and got started. It did hurt on one side more than the other - but it didn't hurt where she was tattooing, it hurt in other areas of my breast, if that makes any sense. It was really strange. Took about an hour. They are totally healed now, but I go back in again in a couple weeks to have them done one more time as they tend to fade. So I'll get another 'coat' and some 'shading' at my next appt and then I think it is all done. I've been going to see Dr. Mosharaffa for almost 2 years now, I feel like i need to give him a plant or something. Wow. What will my calendar look like without a trip on it down to see him? Well, he's definitely going to make my Christmas card list, that's for sure. I'll post pics when they are all done and pretty. I have to admit, I really like them.

So I had mentioned in my last post the old saying 'God won't give you any more than you can handle' and how I think that is basically just a big crock of shit. Well, a good friend of mine had a comment on this that I feel the need to share here - because it really puts this stupid phrase in perspective, and allows me to start the movement to simply abolish this stupid saying right here and now. Patti - I am quoting you directly and I hope you don't mind cuz you are just frickin awesome - here goes:

"And as to that old favorite quote about not giving us more than we can handle, well that's just a crock. I don't know whose bright idea it was, but they obviously hadn't walked in your shoes. More to the point, I think, is that somehow we do manage what is handed to us, but sometimes it is very, very hard and it certainly takes its toll. That is a far cry from the cavalier idea of God just blithely handing out difficulties that we somehow manage to push through. Again, I just don't think that is the way God operates. I think that it is by God's grace that we manage, not by God's piling on to see how much we can take. Maybe it all comes down to semantics, but I think it bears looking at because, as you point out, so many people put so much store in that idea."

Brilliant. I'm so lucky that I get to chat and be around such awesomely smart people. What a gift - I wish I could share every one's

Off to bed with me now - trying to get more sleep but I always think I'm going to miss something if I go to bed early - why do I do that? Is Celebrity Rehab REALLY that important?

God Bless