Clarity Comes in the Shower

I'm not sure why but this is so true for me. Maybe it's because God knows that this is the only time I am ever truly alone - well - when Ginger doesn't realize I'm showering because lately if she does, she is in the shower with me - but usually, this is where I am really able to hear God speak to me - as corny as that sounds. In the shower.

So my week this week was one of those chaotic mom weeks - which - I secretly love. I think if I didn't have cancer I would be complaining about having to be so many places and be stressed and blah blah blah - bitch bitch bitch - but I suppose the moment I start to feel 'stressed' by being a busy mom of two - I am very quickly reminded of how blessed I am to even be a busy mother of two - and it immediately calms my soul. Doesn't take away the tired and natural stress, but it certainly is my new 'perspective of living, and I am so grateful to have this perspective. It thrusts me into each moment of my life so fully - it is amazing.

Ginger had yet another seizure yesterday - and that has thrown me for a loop. This one was much longer and much different than the others before, and for those who don't know - the last one she had in Phx just a couple weeks ago resulted in a phone call from her neurologist to me who simply called in a medication called Depacote - which after reading up on I decided NOT to give her and pursue another opinion. I assumed that since her seizures were coming 2 months apart I had time to get this done, but obviously, I was wrong. This seizure again included her vomiting, thankfully she did not aspirate this time, but this one appeared much more 'epileptic' in nature - although she has never been diagnosed with this. I called 911 because it was lasting about 5 minutes - which seemed like an eternity. When the fire dept arrived she was just coming out of it - and after describing it to them, the pretty much asked me 'do you want to ride with us in the ambulance or will you meet us at the hospital?" We spent 5 hours in the hospital and of course, all tests came back normal. They did speak to her neurologist and administered her first dose of anti-seizure medication there at the hospital. They said that even if we didn't want THIS medication, to give it for now until I meet w/ her docs to discuss which med is appropriate. The med they prescribed is Keppra - and when the emergency room doc came in and said to me "I just got off the phone with the 'on call' doc for your neurologist office and he recommended Keppra instead of Depacote" I had the overwhelming feeling that this was exactly the reason we were where we were - to get this different medication. I have very mixed emotions about this - and I have been 'reliving' this seizure for the past 24 hours - it was just me at home with Ginger, Madeline, and a little friend of Madeline's who had come over to spend the night. I know Gods hand was on Ginger and I - it is not by coincidence that I just happen to always be with her when these happen - she has had 7 of these now - and I've been right there for each one of them. When I was on the phone with the 911 operator I had to lay her down on the floor on her side and I laid on my side right in front of her and just kept talking to her. She was fixated on looking up, eyes dilated, and she was trying to form the word 'mom' and she grabbed the back of my neck and just began pulling me into her over and over and over. It was so scary.

So back to my shower clarity - I'm showering last night after we were home, settled and had everyone in bed and I realized that I've been focusing on the wrong thing. I've been obsessed with the 'why'. And from what I've read, we may never know why. Ever. I think I have been subconsciously thinking someone would tell me that it was food, or stimulation, or something that I could fix then they would stop. I need to just embrace what is happening, which is the fact that my Ginger has seizures, and learn about them and treat them. I'm starting to change my way of thinking, and reading a fabulous book called 'Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood - A Guide' which is simply amazing. I am starting to feel so empowered. A new direction for me to embrace this situation. Deep breath.

I'd be lying if this hadn't made me more adamant about getting better myself. These precious children need their mommy - and my little Ginger needs her mommy to beat this frickin cancer and take care of her. God and I have had some heated discussions about how he chose me, me to be their mommy - and not that anyone else doesn't deserve to raise their own children, but that I feel so deeply, so incredibly deeply, that I need to be here to help my children through this life. Ginger needs her mommy - and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

So far so good on the meds. She takes a dose in the morning, and another in the evening. Since I do the same, I tell Ginger and she gets to take her medicine with mommy - so that seems to be going fine. I haven't seen any major side effects so far from Ginger. I am praying that this is the answer. I think I will continue to seek another opinion - even though I can't get into see him until May - and maybe someone local. Trying to tune into that gut feeling, which is so clouded by confusion and fear right now - just trying to work through that and be still.

My sister arrives this evening from MA and my mother is so thrilled for her to arrive. She'll stay with my mom for a couple days then I will go down and get her and bring her up here. I haven't seen her since Ginger was born, so I am so looking forward to just spending time with her. And it is so great for my mom to spend time w/ her too - I know she has missed her so much. My mom and Brit used to travel to Cape every summer but obviously have not been able to do that for the last couple of years.

I continue to pray for the reminder that I cannot control these things. That the decisions I make, if tuned into the Lord, are the things He uses to bring me closer to Him, but when we are so afraid, we often do not hear this and are driven by our own need for 'answers'. He reminded me recently of when I was originally diagnosed, and how long I was obsessed with the 'why'. That was just a huge waste of time - I had to focus on getting better. So now, with my little Ginger, I need to let go of the 'why' and focus on getting her better. Might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use.

God Bless -