Learning To Listen

So here I sit at CTCA awaiting my latest chest xray to see if this pesky pneumonia is finally gone. On the horizon after this? I venture off, barring I am fine, (well, not really) to check into a hotel room for the night because I need to see my mom who I haven't seen since she was released from the hospital on Mothers Day. We need to do some paperwork stuff, bank stuff, blah blah blah. She is now at home, with in home health care visiting her as she is not steady on her feet and is on pain meds so driving is out of the question. She developed additional blot clots in the other leg - so they are monitoring her blood levels as she is obviously on blood thinners. I can't stay at my moms, which is a major bummer, because I have been ademently told by my doctors I need to stay away from cig smoke as it could trigger my pneumonia once again. We have Brittany up with us and I have blessedly been able to get her dental work underway, covering 9 appointments. She seems to be adjusting well, this is all different for her too. I have also blessedly been able to get her involved in some programs for the developmentally disabled and she really seems to be enjoying that. Thank you Jesus for leading me to my community of church and friends - they have all helped me make this happen for Britt - it's pretty cool to watch.

I have to be honest. I have my moments where I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. I feel pulled in every direction, and it when it happens, it's usually around like, 6-7pm - I feel as if I could scream at the top of my lungs for the world to just stop, just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath. Oddly enough, this feeling hasn't happened as often as I would have expected. There is a deep sense of peace within my heart that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. My husband and I look at each other and our hearts, as corny as that sounds, are in such agreement on this. I love Brittany, don't get me wrong, but for the longest time she (and I'm going to be brutally honest here) frustrated the hell out of me. See, I knew Brittany before she was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 3 - and she was just as normal as any other little toddler. I think I always thought, or maybe just wished, that she was still that healthy little girl. Radation treatments into a developing 3 year old brain is what has done her the damage she lives with today at 24 - not the brain cancer. Ironic isn't it. In any case, and I have no other explanation for it because this literally has come out of nowhere - when all this crap went down with my mom and I had to swoop in and get Britt, all of that frustration - 20 years of it people - was gone. I see her with new eyes. I see her as this child of God who deserves the same chance in life that any of us deserve. And, what a gift she is to me, my family, my children!! What is this teaching them about loving each other!!! I can only thank God for this - only He would be powerful enough to turn 20 years of anger into humility in an instant for me. It is crazy amazing. Now, onto the guilt. Oooooohhhh I am a guilt MONGER - oy. I am organizing help for my mom down in Phx beacause I just can't be in two places at once, much to my frustration. I've got her covered for another 3 weeks - but after that, I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray she gets strong enough to be on her own again, time will only tell. We all have to work together, including her, to get her stronger and better. We've got a long road ahead of us. I literally am thinking day by day right now. Which is good, but very dangerous as I forget to see what's coming up on my calendar. So look, Dina, look at what's coming up you dork, just DEAL with the now. Oy again.

Now me - I've got to monitor this pneumonia thing so carefully - it is serious, I know this. I have to do my part to take care of me - so when I get tired, I need to try and rest, even if it is for 5 minutes (not kidding - 5 minute power naps are doingme wonders these days). And I can't begin to tell you how much Jesus keeps me in line - again, as dorky as that sounds, He does. Again, my morning shower moments, He spoke to me this week showing me how amazing He is in orchestrating the people in my life to help me handle what is currently on my plate. I can't imagine where I would be in all of this without the people I currently have in my life. I know that my heart would be filled with anger, fear, bitterness, blame, just plain nasty - I can remember that Dina quite vividly - and she has been taken over by a trusting, peacefilled, faith driven person that really just wants to love on people. It is WAY less work and WAY more rewarding to be this Dina - so bring it all on, I am not afraid, I will take on cancer, pneumonia, help my mom through her cancer, be the caregiver to my neice, whatever gets thrown my direction - these are all tests of how I choose to react to them and how much I am willing to trust Him. My mom used to say to me, "Dina, when you get up in the morning, you get to decide what kind of day you are going to have". That's why we were given free will - she's right.

Yesterday was just a pretty awesome day in general. My last MOPS meeting for the year went great - we had sooo much fun it was like a 'mommy playdate' with 50 women. Awesome!!! Then I took Brittany to a function through a group called SNAP where they all met for dinner and a movie. She was so excited. I actually cried when I dropped her off like she was one of my own. Then, I come home and my husband comes up to me and tells me he wanted to read something to me. Now here I am thinking it's going to be some dirty email he just received - but no. He pulls me aside to read to me Proverbs 31:10-31. Have you read this passage?? I never have, and to have my husband read this to me, tears filling his eyes, I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my life. What a wonderful gift my husband is to me. Through all this crap - and yes, sometimes it all very much feels like crap - there is light. Ya gotta just look for it. READ THIS PASSAGE IT IS AMAZING!!!

So now I have to go downstairs, see what's cookin with this xray and hopefully get my infusion today. I thank God for my life everyday - in the shower. So now you all know that I am a clean person. And I've decided it can be a much better day in general when I decide to just smile at people. Kinda lightens the load - and any little bit helps in that arena these days.

God Bless -