Pneumonia of the brain.....

I haven't posted in quite awhile, and I know why. Pneumonia not only did a number on me physically, it did a number on me mentally, and I've been slowly trying to work through this silently on my own. It has really been terrible. I hit my breaking point this past Friday, where I seriously thought I was going crazy. I found myself in our bathroom, pocket door closed, sitting on the floor laying my head on a closed toilet seat just crying. I knew I had to do this for a couple weeks, just cry. I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. Therefore, it came and took me on it's schedule - which was while I was trying frantically to decorate for Ginger's b-day party late fri night for the next day. Pneumonia has shown me my own frailty - because to be honest, I've never felt 'sick' with breast cancer, the drugs I take for it have made me sick, but I never felt 'sick' with it - pneumonia, made me feel very sick. Frighteningly sick. And that was something I haven't ever experienced thus far. Plus dealing with the looks and the comments once people heard that I had pneumonia - geez - that made me even more sick. Like the old person who breaks their hip and everyone gives them the 'well, this is the beginning of the end' kind of look? That's how I felt. Funny thing was, I was fine - super fine - before this came on - and it came on literally overnight for me - so strange. I immediately prayed for healing, knowing that God totally had my back on this, which took a lot of the overall fear away, but the physical pain was something new for me - the difficulty breathing and how scary that felt - this was all new to me, and process. It is probably completely normal for me to go to the 'dark place' and I indeed did. I felt like screaming 'i have pneumonia - big frickin deal! people get this all the time - I didn't get this cuz I have cancer - I got it cuz I got it - simple as that!" Did God give me pneumonia? No - not anymore than God gave me cancer - but He uses this if I will let Him, to teach me - and He has taught me so much, in fact I'm still learning.

And, my mom is not doing real well - I know she faithfully reads my blog, so I have been hesitant to write about this - another reason I haven't posted in awhile. She has just become so weak by not really eating and keeping up her strength and going through chemo herself, that she is now to the point where we need to get her some help in the home. We ended up calling 911 in the middle of Ginger's party because my mom was having trouble breathing. I know my mom felt terrible for this, but I was just glad she got the help she needed, and, it brought us all to a different reality I think. The reality that she needs help now - that's just where we are right now. We are all in the middle of trying to process this, trying to get proper care for Brittany as she needs some care right now, get mom the medical attention she needs, relieve her pain - just try to shift into this new reality. I know I have been having some challenges processing it - I can only imagine what my mother is going through. I think that is what hurts so much, to think how she is battling the frustration of losing control - then trying very hard to keep myself from 'feeling' that right along with her. I do ya know, I'm just like that. Especially with my mom - I can just feel her - so strong. I'm so pissed I am battling this stupid disease when I'm supposed to be the healthy daughter taking care of her mother. That is what I am supposed to do - but I need to be careful, really careful, not to fall into that same trap I used to of disregarding my own needs for others - cuz that could literally kill me if I'm not careful - one thing cancer does love, is stress. So this is a real test for me - a test of faith to be honest. Not only do I have to trust the Lord with my own health, which I will get into in just a moment, I need to trust Him with my mothers. He has my mother in his hands, and just writing that warms my heart and takes all my fear and sadness away. I know He does. If I am so stressed trying to fix everything for my mother, I am not able to hear God telling me what He needs me to do to help her - and that is what I need to be for my mother, helping her, not fixing her. It's like the one thing I've been working on, trusting God more and not trying to take on everything myself, is being put to the test in like the hugest way possible right now. I have moments where I can literally feel my heart beating in my throat - I get so anxious and stressed I can feel it beating in the back of my throat - then other moments where I'm fine and full of faith - then moments when I just completely break down in tears. I'm now making my way through the sea of 'in home care' information, medical alert systems, finding facilities to help my mom live a comfortable pain free life - it's surreal.

I have my appointment tomorrow at CTCA for a scan to see where we are with this current medication regime - and I have to say, I'm nervous. I haven't felt real great - gee - I wonder why. And when you don't feel good, you immediately go into panic mode. I think I used to think I had to convince myself that I was healed in order to be healed - if that makes sense. Like if I kept being afraid of the cancer it would come back and get me - so I had to convince myself otherwise. Well, that obviously didn't pan out. Then I think I figured it out. I think I figured out what the TRUST part really meant. It means I trust Him no matter WHAT the frickin scan says. I trust Him entirely. He has got my back on this - and I am ready for whatever may lie ahead for me - that is where I need to be. Yes, we are supposed to ask and He gives - but sometimes, He doesn't - and we don't know why - we just need to trust He knows what the hell He's doing - and I think He does - know what He's doing. It was like a light went off in my head. What I get from God is the peace and reassurance that He is with me - that is where the trust comes from - and that is where I need to place all of my focus. Again, I base how I feel off me and how I feel in my heart - not any medical opinion, scan or report. Yes, I am nervous about tomorrow, but then I think of Jesus, having my hand in His as we walk through the doors - and know that He's totally got my back in this - no matter what happens.

Something I'm so thankful for was a reminder one Sunday awhile back is to give my life to Him. Every morning - as a reminder for myself, I say this in my prayers. One of the messages delivered by Pastor Jack talked about this - and I totally felt like I was off the hook finally on this one. I mean, I can think back to a time when I was like, 12, where I 'accepted Jesus into my heart' but hellloooo!!! I was 12 - what the hell did I really know about that? I always felt like whenever anyone spoke about this monumental moment I would think back on mine and go 'well, I think I did it cuz it was what I felt I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do' and always kind of felt guilty about that. To hear it is okay to do this everyday - was a huge spiritual relief to me. It is a reminder to me to do this everyday, which I totally need. In fact, I should probably put this on my daily To Do list - top of the list - give it to Him - next - buy more cheese.

After my appt tomorrow I am off to my mom's to discuss some things about her care, Britts care -etc. I know we can't control when we get to handle things, but man, sometimes I wish we could, right? I mean, it is a constant battle for me to NOT swoop in and take over - but I can't. I just can't. I have my family and girls who need me - I have a responsibility to them to listen to my body and give it a rest when it needs it - to feed it, to take care of it, to listen to it and respond correctly. I am responsible for too much not to. I love my mother so much - and want to be able to help her in a way that doesn't step on her toes, that allows her to keep a sense of self and dignity and independence. I want her at peace with herself, no pain, safe, comfortable and totally connected with God. I will do whatever I am able to make these things happen for her - if she'll let me.

Please keep my mom in your prayers - she is just the most awesome woman going through a huge life transition right now. And I know I need to blog more - I'm sorry for not keeping everyone in the loop about what is happening over here - this past month has been probably one of the most difficult in my life, on so many levels - some of which I'm not even discussing here. I need to remember it helps me immensely to get it out here - in this venue. To get it out of my head and see it here in written form sometimes makes it make way more sense.

I'll write tomorrow to advise of scan results, thank you for your prayers.

God Bless