Prayers answered

So as I drove down the hill Friday morning, I prayed. I usually do - all the time actually - especially when I'm driving for many things - but this time I prayed specifically for the following: status quo. That's it. I cried as I spoke w/ Jesus in my car with Bonnie Rait playing low in the background - that what I was doing, treatment wise right now - the 2 Xeloda a day and the Arimidex was totally doable for me - I can handle this - please God, please, just let it be working to stop the growth of this tumor on my liver. My liver function is normal, so if we can manage what we have I am totally content with that - I can do this - I am doing this. I was ready though for anything - but anxious, very anxious. See I haven't felt good since the pneumonia, and that was weighing heavily on my heart and allowing fear to take hold. Whenever I don't feel very good I can't help but think the worst eventually. Sorta sucks.

So I get there, and CTCA is having this huge production for 5 year survivors. The whole place is just bursting with energy and decorations and luncheon tables - it was awesome. In any case, got my blood drawn then headed down to imaging for my CT scan. I tell the awesome tech David that I had pneumonia and he starts asking me questions about it during my scan. He asks me 'when did you have pneumonia?' and I'm all 'uh, why?' Duh Dina - the radiologist who reads my scan kinda needs to know this when he is looking at it - what is wrong with me? Anyhoo - I go right to my dr appt and after waiting which seemed like an eternity, my onc comes in and says - 'well, you still have pneumonia'. What?? Seriously? Then he says, I'll be back in a min I need to look at your scan again. Ugh - seriously? I have to admit, part of me was sooooo relieved. I mean, I hadn't felt 100% since I got pneumonia at the beginning of April - but I finished the drugs and even though I still had pain in my right side everyone kept telling me that was normal. In any case, I still have it. Then, as if it was like a secondary, no biggie kind of thing - he comes back in and says - oh, and the tumor on the liver is showing no change. Inside I am like WOO HOO!!!! I Just have pneumonia!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to just have pneumonia. So now he has me on Ampicillin 4x a day for 10 days then I go back and see him, have a chest xray and have my Zometa since he didn't want to do that until we had this pneumonia under control. I immediately praised God for my answered prayer. This is the first time in a long time I've had news of it not growing, and ya know what? I will take stable. Others have said 'I want it gone!' which, duh, yea so do I - but ya know what? I am perfectly blessed and content with this. What a gift.

My mom however was back in the hospital this past weekend. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now with this, I can't even write about it. I've told the story here a couple different ways and have deleted each of them - so I'm going to leave it at this for now until I can figure out how best to express my feelings on this - I think I am in 'task mode' with various arrangements for her and I've got Britt up here tending to some much needed care for her - I have blessedly arranged friends and family to help me as mom transitions into her new home health care life, and I was privileged enough to spend Mothers Day with my mom in the hospital. This is a difficult transition from daughter to caregiver - but this is where we are and I am privileged to love on my mom in this way. I just need to balance it - remember that God has her, not me - I am merely here to do His work. I constantly need to remind myself to not take it on, take it over, fix it - blah blah blah. And keep the guilt at bay - that doesn't help anyone. I can't really write anymore about this right now.

My Mothers day was awesome regardless - my kids and husband showed up for me emotionally in ways I can not explain. They are amazing - and I am so blessed to have my beautiful family. Very tired right now - need to rest. Oh yea - guess I gotta kick this stupid pneumonia - again. Oy - can you believe it?

God Bless -