Well shit. Results came in that the tumor on my liver is growing again. Slowly, but growing. Doc has increased my meds to an additional pill a day. I currently take 1 Xeloda in the morn and one at night, now he wants me taking 3 a day. The interesting thing is, my blood tests are all normal, great actually. My liver function tests are normal - improved actually from my last visit last month. I looked at Dr. Nixon and said "well that doesn't make sense does it?" Dead pan answer of "Nope". Then I replied - "well, I just don't make much sense do I?" Repeated dead pan response - "Nope". I have to say, I know I'll never know, but I wonder what my exposure to all that shit in the air on 9/11 may have played a role here in how my cancer is behaving. I have the most common kind, the kind they know the most about, yet it is not behaving as it does in other people. I looked at him, because quite honestly, I am feeling very realistic and practical about this - not emotional at all - thank GOD - I asked him worst case scenario, when do we pull out the big guns and I go to the Taxol crappy chemo route again. He said "Oh, that wouldn't happen for a long, long time". Good. Glad we have time to find some other alternative. Then he showed me with his hands how large my liver is - it's pretty big! (figuratively speaking here, I'm not bragging like 'whoa! look at my big liver!' I think everyones is basically the same size I just didn't realize how big they all were) then he indicated to me the size of my tumor - again, some relief here.
I'm fine - and again, kinda amazed. I feel fine, all the other tests read that I'm fine - isn't that strange. What a test of my faith - seriously. Now listen to this little gem of an experience:
I go for my massage with chatty Cathy, right? I walk into the massage room and she starts in on the asking me a question but when I answer I basically get interrupted while she talks about herself, you know these people, right? Anyway, she sits down with me and I tell her that I'm really just looking for a shoulder and neck massage as that is where I carry most of my tension. She says, and I shit you not: "you haven't met with your doctors yet, have you?" I'm thinking, you know this lady, everyone is this whole building knows my schedule, that's kinda the cool thing about CTCA. I reply, no. She continues "so you haven't received the results of your CT scan then, right?" Duh - no. She says, "well, I read them and it seems there is something indicated on your spine, did you know this? I want to stay away from this area and just focus on your upper back area". Wha???? I am immediately in panic mode - more spine mets? What? So I just muster a nod, say OK and we move into the massage, which now, I don't even remember. Long story short, she was wrong. Can you believe it? Wrong!!!! I had a feeling that maybe she misread and mistakenly saw scar tissue from where my previous bone mets were as new ones, but wasn't sure. That's exactly what she did. Yes, I did tell my case manager and no, I won't be having a massage again. What a huge, scary moment. What an idiot. Oy.
So it was an exciting day. Once again, I'm really just living off how I feel. I do what they tell me to do - I trust my docs - and I know I am in good hands. And plugging along I go.
Spending some awesome time w/ my mom, and emotional too. I'm looking forward to spending time with her this weekend. What a gift. And I get to just put this aside and carry on. Not in a denial way, but in a I have a life to live kind of way - I mean, I do. Yes, I did hug my Madeline a little longer then normal when I saw her. She has such a peaceful energy, it's healing to just be around her.
Well tired - must sleep. Prayers for healing please, have a great weekend.
God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Yogurt Ranch Dressing
So yay for me - 5.4 lbs lost in 9 days. Yay! PJ and I are doing the fat smash diet and detox has taken me over the hump. Feeling great. Tired, but great. I've also gotten the guts up to take some of these classes at the Y - I did a bosu class, which, thank God I only used a step instead of a bosu ball because I think I would have not only hurt myself, but the people who formed the tight knit circle of 20 somethings with tight butts around me. Bastards. Anyway - I'm pretty proud of myself - saying no to carbs though is tough. Didn't realize how much I really really really wanted a cracker. Just one! Bah.
So here I sit once again at CTCA for my monthly 'let's see where we are' check up. I think my mindset on this whole thing is either just adjusting to these appointments or I'm getting thicker skin or I'm trusting God even more or I'm just too busy to worry about it. Probably a combination of all of these things. We did blood work and a CT scan to see what is happening with my liver. Again, praying for status quo. It just seems to me that God has work for me to do on this earth, so with cancer, without cancer, managing my cancer - He's keeping me around for awhile longer to tend to things. My husband, my children, my niece, my mother. Anyone else want to come on board? It's funny, the things you just 'do' - I never realized this was such a window into the souls of people - to see what they are really made up of, ya know? Not the things you intentionally do - to get attention, or accolades, or payment or applause - the things you just do because it's the right thing to do - you don't even have to think about it. When I tune into that piece of me, I feel so close to God - it's amazing. Trust me, I've had the 'doing things for the thank you' moments, tons of them - we all do. But to be honest, those moments never fill me up as much as the blessings. This is just what we do. So whatever the outcome again, I'm ready. I know He's got me on this, whatever it may look like from this perspective - from His? Perfect.
I really feel that we all have something to contribute to this world. Some talent that has been bestowed upon us to share with the world. It's just a matter of finding it, feeling it, then sharing it - in whatever form that may be for any of us. Here I am, on the verge of my 42nd birthday, and I'm not sure what it is. I mean, I have a good idea of the general gift, I just am not sure how to apply it to life yet. How to share it the way I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it. I just recently decided I was not going to renew my insurance licenses - now, this may seem silly to you, however, I had been in the insurance industry for 20 years. 20 years!!!! Talk about an industry defining who you are! It totally did - and now? I don't really want to do that again. I mean I did it for a job way back when, then it just turned into a career 20 years later. It did right by me, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am without this career path, so I am grateful - but now - if I had to choose what I got to do with my life - it would not be insurance. So what do I choose? Being a mommy first and foremost, and the heart and spirit of my family. Leading them into cool places on many levels. Then, I'm not sure. I know I have a big mouth - so that is definitely part of it. And I'm kinda bossy - but in a good way! (bossy people always say that) So I'm sure I'm sure I'll figure it out. We'll just have to see.
So I'm staying here in Phx for the weekend to help pack my mom up to move up to us next month. Came down this am with Britt and Madeline, left Ginger with a sitter then she and daddy get a weekend all to themselves. Looking forward to a weekend with my mom, and help her make this a positive transition, it must be hard, leaving a house you've lived in for 18 years. I can't even imagine. I love her so much, and am so excited to have her closer to me. I can help her so much better.
I'll post results tonight, going to have a massage now before the results. I had no idea they did these here!!! Although the lady who does them for me is quite the talker - I'm going to have to tell her politely to be quiet please. Otherwise I feel compelled to carry on some sort of trivial stupid conversation with her then before I know it, it's all over. I like them here because they have this special 'boob' pillow that has holes for my boobies. Totally great, I'm going to try to fashion one of these for myself so I can lay on my tummy again. Implants are not quite as squishy as my old saggy boobies were. Not that I'm complaining! ;-)
God Bless -
Dina
So here I sit once again at CTCA for my monthly 'let's see where we are' check up. I think my mindset on this whole thing is either just adjusting to these appointments or I'm getting thicker skin or I'm trusting God even more or I'm just too busy to worry about it. Probably a combination of all of these things. We did blood work and a CT scan to see what is happening with my liver. Again, praying for status quo. It just seems to me that God has work for me to do on this earth, so with cancer, without cancer, managing my cancer - He's keeping me around for awhile longer to tend to things. My husband, my children, my niece, my mother. Anyone else want to come on board? It's funny, the things you just 'do' - I never realized this was such a window into the souls of people - to see what they are really made up of, ya know? Not the things you intentionally do - to get attention, or accolades, or payment or applause - the things you just do because it's the right thing to do - you don't even have to think about it. When I tune into that piece of me, I feel so close to God - it's amazing. Trust me, I've had the 'doing things for the thank you' moments, tons of them - we all do. But to be honest, those moments never fill me up as much as the blessings. This is just what we do. So whatever the outcome again, I'm ready. I know He's got me on this, whatever it may look like from this perspective - from His? Perfect.
I really feel that we all have something to contribute to this world. Some talent that has been bestowed upon us to share with the world. It's just a matter of finding it, feeling it, then sharing it - in whatever form that may be for any of us. Here I am, on the verge of my 42nd birthday, and I'm not sure what it is. I mean, I have a good idea of the general gift, I just am not sure how to apply it to life yet. How to share it the way I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it. I just recently decided I was not going to renew my insurance licenses - now, this may seem silly to you, however, I had been in the insurance industry for 20 years. 20 years!!!! Talk about an industry defining who you are! It totally did - and now? I don't really want to do that again. I mean I did it for a job way back when, then it just turned into a career 20 years later. It did right by me, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am without this career path, so I am grateful - but now - if I had to choose what I got to do with my life - it would not be insurance. So what do I choose? Being a mommy first and foremost, and the heart and spirit of my family. Leading them into cool places on many levels. Then, I'm not sure. I know I have a big mouth - so that is definitely part of it. And I'm kinda bossy - but in a good way! (bossy people always say that) So I'm sure I'm sure I'll figure it out. We'll just have to see.
So I'm staying here in Phx for the weekend to help pack my mom up to move up to us next month. Came down this am with Britt and Madeline, left Ginger with a sitter then she and daddy get a weekend all to themselves. Looking forward to a weekend with my mom, and help her make this a positive transition, it must be hard, leaving a house you've lived in for 18 years. I can't even imagine. I love her so much, and am so excited to have her closer to me. I can help her so much better.
I'll post results tonight, going to have a massage now before the results. I had no idea they did these here!!! Although the lady who does them for me is quite the talker - I'm going to have to tell her politely to be quiet please. Otherwise I feel compelled to carry on some sort of trivial stupid conversation with her then before I know it, it's all over. I like them here because they have this special 'boob' pillow that has holes for my boobies. Totally great, I'm going to try to fashion one of these for myself so I can lay on my tummy again. Implants are not quite as squishy as my old saggy boobies were. Not that I'm complaining! ;-)
God Bless -
Dina
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Giving is the Gift
Wow. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had posted. I think maybe I was in denial a little - ya know? Maybe if I didn't write about what was happening then it really wasn't happening. Wouldn't that be an awesome power? (meaning, if you're having the 'what super power would you want if you could have one' discussion) In any case, a lot has been going on here needless to say. I a nutshell, Brittany is now officially moving into our home, so our family has grown to 5. Funny, PJ and I always wanted a 3rd child, I am constantly reminded how God has a plan all along - so here we are. Next, my mom will not be moving in with us here in my humble abode, as much as I was looking forward to re-enacting the Charlie and The Chocolate Factory bed scene. They found the drug that worked on her blood clots so she is doing much better - although her recent scan has shown her cancer is progressing. Therefore, she has agreed to move up here close to us (down the street actually if the place we found pans out) so that will make it way easier for me to help her, for her to be close to Britt, my kids, blah blah blah. I know this will be a difficult transition for her, but so glad she agreed to make this move.
I didn't think I could ever make the transition emotionally that you make with your parents when they get older - how you switch roles - I didn't think I was ever mature enough I guess - but low and behold, it has happened. I look at this situation as an outsider and think "wow - this is so adult Dina, you are in such an adult situation here". I still feel 33, maybe 34 - is that normal? Is this how our parents felt? Weird.
For me? Well my pneumonia is finally gone - thank you Jesus. And I go in on Friday this week for a CT scan to check out where my tumor growth is. Again, praying for status quo. I'm feeling really great, making exercise and diet a huge priority which I have to say has been my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I am a major stress eater, and PJ and I both have made a consorted effort to go in the opposite direction with this. It has given me more strength, purpose, and it also is making me put my health first. One thing that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was telling my mom that my family and I were my first priority. That is just NOT what I would have done before cancer. But, clearly being aware of my own mortality, and knowing how essential it is for me and my family that I take care of me mentally, physically and spiritually - this needs to be my first focus. This only helps me tend to others effectively. Wow - that sounds so, 'adult'. Yuk.
Madeline and Ginger are having a great summer - full of gymnastics class, camping, summer movies, swimming - all the things that make summer fun. We won't be able to financially afford NYC this fall as we had anticipated - which is a huge bummer. With what has transpired within the last 3 months, it just doesn't make sense this year. But that is ok - we'll make it there soon enough. I'm a sucker for the Thanksgiving Day Parade - I'm one of those kooks who actually went to it, multiple times when I lived there, and cried like a baby at the Sesame Street float. We will bring my kids there soon enough. Oy do I love that Maria & Louis!!!
I think I've mentally progressed past my disease finally. I'm no longer envious of other moms like I was before, I still get scared, but nothing like I used to. It's more of a fear of how my life will need to change if something medically has to change with me more than anything else. My boobs are finally finished and they look AWESOME!!! I am officially a 38D - and now that I'm losing weight, guess what? Not losing it in my tits first! YES! So frickin awesome. So I bought a swim suit and bras this summer - it's been so great to be on the 'finished' side of this journey.
I'm tackling a huge one now, something I learned today actually about myself. I think I've been living my life, subconsciously of course, like there is this day out there, someday, when I"ll get to just sit and relax and have everything I want. I am not sure if I'm describing this right, but I really think that I've been living like this - or when I was going through the scariest moments of my treatment, mourning the loss of this possibility. What am I really looking for here? What kind of life expectation is this? I guess what I realized today was, just the mere way of being me - everyday - which entails striving to give more than I receive - is exactly what life is all about. Now I'm not talking about this 'live in the moment' or 'life is too short' kind of crap, I get that. What I'm talking about is the actual act of giving to others, that being the gift to yourself. Like I think I thought subconsciously, mostly but not all the time, that my giving would eventually end up in some sort of 'reward' or something. Wha? That's messed up - cuz I totally missed the fullness of my own heart when I just give straight from it. Does that make sense? Well, it has totally enlightened me today, and caused me to get back on the horse here and start writing again, giving again, loving again, from a completely different place. There's no big reward at the end of the tunnel that we keep waiting to achieve with money or things or crap - it's right there inside us all along. We just need to open up. Frickin cool. Hope I explained this right.
Well, I have some amazing pics to post so I have to go sweet talk my hubby into scanning them in so I can post them here tomorrow. I can't believe Madeline starts 1st grade next month, Ginger will be in preschool, and I'm turning 42 in a week. 42. Ya know what? For the first time, so happy to say I'm having a birthday - they mean something totally different now.
God Bless -
Dina
I didn't think I could ever make the transition emotionally that you make with your parents when they get older - how you switch roles - I didn't think I was ever mature enough I guess - but low and behold, it has happened. I look at this situation as an outsider and think "wow - this is so adult Dina, you are in such an adult situation here". I still feel 33, maybe 34 - is that normal? Is this how our parents felt? Weird.
For me? Well my pneumonia is finally gone - thank you Jesus. And I go in on Friday this week for a CT scan to check out where my tumor growth is. Again, praying for status quo. I'm feeling really great, making exercise and diet a huge priority which I have to say has been my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I am a major stress eater, and PJ and I both have made a consorted effort to go in the opposite direction with this. It has given me more strength, purpose, and it also is making me put my health first. One thing that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was telling my mom that my family and I were my first priority. That is just NOT what I would have done before cancer. But, clearly being aware of my own mortality, and knowing how essential it is for me and my family that I take care of me mentally, physically and spiritually - this needs to be my first focus. This only helps me tend to others effectively. Wow - that sounds so, 'adult'. Yuk.
Madeline and Ginger are having a great summer - full of gymnastics class, camping, summer movies, swimming - all the things that make summer fun. We won't be able to financially afford NYC this fall as we had anticipated - which is a huge bummer. With what has transpired within the last 3 months, it just doesn't make sense this year. But that is ok - we'll make it there soon enough. I'm a sucker for the Thanksgiving Day Parade - I'm one of those kooks who actually went to it, multiple times when I lived there, and cried like a baby at the Sesame Street float. We will bring my kids there soon enough. Oy do I love that Maria & Louis!!!
I think I've mentally progressed past my disease finally. I'm no longer envious of other moms like I was before, I still get scared, but nothing like I used to. It's more of a fear of how my life will need to change if something medically has to change with me more than anything else. My boobs are finally finished and they look AWESOME!!! I am officially a 38D - and now that I'm losing weight, guess what? Not losing it in my tits first! YES! So frickin awesome. So I bought a swim suit and bras this summer - it's been so great to be on the 'finished' side of this journey.
I'm tackling a huge one now, something I learned today actually about myself. I think I've been living my life, subconsciously of course, like there is this day out there, someday, when I"ll get to just sit and relax and have everything I want. I am not sure if I'm describing this right, but I really think that I've been living like this - or when I was going through the scariest moments of my treatment, mourning the loss of this possibility. What am I really looking for here? What kind of life expectation is this? I guess what I realized today was, just the mere way of being me - everyday - which entails striving to give more than I receive - is exactly what life is all about. Now I'm not talking about this 'live in the moment' or 'life is too short' kind of crap, I get that. What I'm talking about is the actual act of giving to others, that being the gift to yourself. Like I think I thought subconsciously, mostly but not all the time, that my giving would eventually end up in some sort of 'reward' or something. Wha? That's messed up - cuz I totally missed the fullness of my own heart when I just give straight from it. Does that make sense? Well, it has totally enlightened me today, and caused me to get back on the horse here and start writing again, giving again, loving again, from a completely different place. There's no big reward at the end of the tunnel that we keep waiting to achieve with money or things or crap - it's right there inside us all along. We just need to open up. Frickin cool. Hope I explained this right.
Well, I have some amazing pics to post so I have to go sweet talk my hubby into scanning them in so I can post them here tomorrow. I can't believe Madeline starts 1st grade next month, Ginger will be in preschool, and I'm turning 42 in a week. 42. Ya know what? For the first time, so happy to say I'm having a birthday - they mean something totally different now.
God Bless -
Dina
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