The Results Are In

Well shit. Results came in that the tumor on my liver is growing again. Slowly, but growing. Doc has increased my meds to an additional pill a day. I currently take 1 Xeloda in the morn and one at night, now he wants me taking 3 a day. The interesting thing is, my blood tests are all normal, great actually. My liver function tests are normal - improved actually from my last visit last month. I looked at Dr. Nixon and said "well that doesn't make sense does it?" Dead pan answer of "Nope". Then I replied - "well, I just don't make much sense do I?" Repeated dead pan response - "Nope". I have to say, I know I'll never know, but I wonder what my exposure to all that shit in the air on 9/11 may have played a role here in how my cancer is behaving. I have the most common kind, the kind they know the most about, yet it is not behaving as it does in other people. I looked at him, because quite honestly, I am feeling very realistic and practical about this - not emotional at all - thank GOD - I asked him worst case scenario, when do we pull out the big guns and I go to the Taxol crappy chemo route again. He said "Oh, that wouldn't happen for a long, long time". Good. Glad we have time to find some other alternative. Then he showed me with his hands how large my liver is - it's pretty big! (figuratively speaking here, I'm not bragging like 'whoa! look at my big liver!' I think everyones is basically the same size I just didn't realize how big they all were) then he indicated to me the size of my tumor - again, some relief here.

I'm fine - and again, kinda amazed. I feel fine, all the other tests read that I'm fine - isn't that strange. What a test of my faith - seriously. Now listen to this little gem of an experience:

I go for my massage with chatty Cathy, right? I walk into the massage room and she starts in on the asking me a question but when I answer I basically get interrupted while she talks about herself, you know these people, right? Anyway, she sits down with me and I tell her that I'm really just looking for a shoulder and neck massage as that is where I carry most of my tension. She says, and I shit you not: "you haven't met with your doctors yet, have you?" I'm thinking, you know this lady, everyone is this whole building knows my schedule, that's kinda the cool thing about CTCA. I reply, no. She continues "so you haven't received the results of your CT scan then, right?" Duh - no. She says, "well, I read them and it seems there is something indicated on your spine, did you know this? I want to stay away from this area and just focus on your upper back area". Wha???? I am immediately in panic mode - more spine mets? What? So I just muster a nod, say OK and we move into the massage, which now, I don't even remember. Long story short, she was wrong. Can you believe it? Wrong!!!! I had a feeling that maybe she misread and mistakenly saw scar tissue from where my previous bone mets were as new ones, but wasn't sure. That's exactly what she did. Yes, I did tell my case manager and no, I won't be having a massage again. What a huge, scary moment. What an idiot. Oy.

So it was an exciting day. Once again, I'm really just living off how I feel. I do what they tell me to do - I trust my docs - and I know I am in good hands. And plugging along I go.

Spending some awesome time w/ my mom, and emotional too. I'm looking forward to spending time with her this weekend. What a gift. And I get to just put this aside and carry on. Not in a denial way, but in a I have a life to live kind of way - I mean, I do. Yes, I did hug my Madeline a little longer then normal when I saw her. She has such a peaceful energy, it's healing to just be around her.

Well tired - must sleep. Prayers for healing please, have a great weekend.

God Bless -