The Giving is the Gift

Wow. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had posted. I think maybe I was in denial a little - ya know? Maybe if I didn't write about what was happening then it really wasn't happening. Wouldn't that be an awesome power? (meaning, if you're having the 'what super power would you want if you could have one' discussion) In any case, a lot has been going on here needless to say. I a nutshell, Brittany is now officially moving into our home, so our family has grown to 5. Funny, PJ and I always wanted a 3rd child, I am constantly reminded how God has a plan all along - so here we are. Next, my mom will not be moving in with us here in my humble abode, as much as I was looking forward to re-enacting the Charlie and The Chocolate Factory bed scene. They found the drug that worked on her blood clots so she is doing much better - although her recent scan has shown her cancer is progressing. Therefore, she has agreed to move up here close to us (down the street actually if the place we found pans out) so that will make it way easier for me to help her, for her to be close to Britt, my kids, blah blah blah. I know this will be a difficult transition for her, but so glad she agreed to make this move.

I didn't think I could ever make the transition emotionally that you make with your parents when they get older - how you switch roles - I didn't think I was ever mature enough I guess - but low and behold, it has happened. I look at this situation as an outsider and think "wow - this is so adult Dina, you are in such an adult situation here". I still feel 33, maybe 34 - is that normal? Is this how our parents felt? Weird.

For me? Well my pneumonia is finally gone - thank you Jesus. And I go in on Friday this week for a CT scan to check out where my tumor growth is. Again, praying for status quo. I'm feeling really great, making exercise and diet a huge priority which I have to say has been my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. I am a major stress eater, and PJ and I both have made a consorted effort to go in the opposite direction with this. It has given me more strength, purpose, and it also is making me put my health first. One thing that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was telling my mom that my family and I were my first priority. That is just NOT what I would have done before cancer. But, clearly being aware of my own mortality, and knowing how essential it is for me and my family that I take care of me mentally, physically and spiritually - this needs to be my first focus. This only helps me tend to others effectively. Wow - that sounds so, 'adult'. Yuk.

Madeline and Ginger are having a great summer - full of gymnastics class, camping, summer movies, swimming - all the things that make summer fun. We won't be able to financially afford NYC this fall as we had anticipated - which is a huge bummer. With what has transpired within the last 3 months, it just doesn't make sense this year. But that is ok - we'll make it there soon enough. I'm a sucker for the Thanksgiving Day Parade - I'm one of those kooks who actually went to it, multiple times when I lived there, and cried like a baby at the Sesame Street float. We will bring my kids there soon enough. Oy do I love that Maria & Louis!!!

I think I've mentally progressed past my disease finally. I'm no longer envious of other moms like I was before, I still get scared, but nothing like I used to. It's more of a fear of how my life will need to change if something medically has to change with me more than anything else. My boobs are finally finished and they look AWESOME!!! I am officially a 38D - and now that I'm losing weight, guess what? Not losing it in my tits first! YES! So frickin awesome. So I bought a swim suit and bras this summer - it's been so great to be on the 'finished' side of this journey.

I'm tackling a huge one now, something I learned today actually about myself. I think I've been living my life, subconsciously of course, like there is this day out there, someday, when I"ll get to just sit and relax and have everything I want. I am not sure if I'm describing this right, but I really think that I've been living like this - or when I was going through the scariest moments of my treatment, mourning the loss of this possibility. What am I really looking for here? What kind of life expectation is this? I guess what I realized today was, just the mere way of being me - everyday - which entails striving to give more than I receive - is exactly what life is all about. Now I'm not talking about this 'live in the moment' or 'life is too short' kind of crap, I get that. What I'm talking about is the actual act of giving to others, that being the gift to yourself. Like I think I thought subconsciously, mostly but not all the time, that my giving would eventually end up in some sort of 'reward' or something. Wha? That's messed up - cuz I totally missed the fullness of my own heart when I just give straight from it. Does that make sense? Well, it has totally enlightened me today, and caused me to get back on the horse here and start writing again, giving again, loving again, from a completely different place. There's no big reward at the end of the tunnel that we keep waiting to achieve with money or things or crap - it's right there inside us all along. We just need to open up. Frickin cool. Hope I explained this right.

Well, I have some amazing pics to post so I have to go sweet talk my hubby into scanning them in so I can post them here tomorrow. I can't believe Madeline starts 1st grade next month, Ginger will be in preschool, and I'm turning 42 in a week. 42. Ya know what? For the first time, so happy to say I'm having a birthday - they mean something totally different now.

God Bless -

Dina