All Aboard The Chemo Train...........

Last night and all day today, I prayed for peace. I prayed for peace to wash over me, no matter what the news turned out to be today. Did I pray for healing? Absolutely, in fact, I've been quite adamant about praying for healing as of late. And I will not back down. I did get what I prayed for today however, I got peace. Complete peace when faced with this new news. This new path of which I am about to head down. It seems that yes, cancer is indeed what has caused the damage to my shoulder bone. In fact, I have reactivated bone mets (short for metastasis) in the places where the old ones were, and new ones. To be specific, I have bone mets on both shoulders, both legs, my spine and my ribs. They believe the pain I have been experiencing on my right side is indeed that, the bone met on that side. Once I received this news my doc has me whisked off to imaging again to have all my bones xrayed to make sure they weren't further damaged like my shoulder was - at risk for breaking. Blessedly, they are not - they are in good shape. It's like a breast cancer tumor is just sitting there on the bone, in the places I've mentioned. Needless to say, PJ and I were quite taken aback - I was prepared for the met on my shoulder, that just made logical sense to me, but not all the others. I also am a little annoyed that I haven't had a PET scan for over a year, we were so focused on the liver, we kind of let that slip I guess, but, there's nothing to do about this now - so let's move forward.

The test also showed conflicting information regarding my liver. In fact, my doc said that 2 radiologists were 'arguing' over my scan. ?? It shows the tumor areas as smaller than before, but reading hotter for cancer cells. This is completely contradictory of one another. (of course it is! it's me!) so I am settling for no change. AND to make things more confusing, my blood work again is perfect, and my tumor markers are DOWN. What the chicken?

We are putting the kabosh on quadrasphere - which, I have to say, I am thanking the Lord above. I am so happy to not have to do that again, I was ironically telling PJ that I would almost welcome that chemo chair before doing quadrasphere again - well, be careful what you wish for. Yes, I will be starting a new chemo treatment plan on Friday. It's a new drug, recently approved by the FDA by the name of Halaven. It is a 21 day cycle - I have treatment day 1 then day 8 then take a week off. Back to the chemo chair. Side effects are minimal this time, thank God. And this is my first experience at CTCA for chemo infusion - who are much more proactive with side effects and such rather than reactive - in fact, my care manager and I have already begun to discuss how to start handling some of the side effects now.

Now that the facts are out of the way, I can get to the feelings part. I am not afraid of this news at all. I have no idea why - wait - yes I do - I got what I prayed for, I got peace. I know this is manageable - bone mets are way easier to tend to then the liver thing - and knowing that I'm starting a chemo infusion with minimal side effects that will treat both? I'm oddly excited to get started. I know - crazy right? This new drug is made from a sea sponge - how frickin cool is that? Am I pissed I have to plant my ass back in that chemo chair? Absolutely - pissed and horribly inconvenienced - but - I am supposed to be relieved of this pain that I have been feeling for the better part of 3 months now, within 3 days of my first treatment. The pain I have been experiencing has been sending me into a dark place thought wise - a place I do visit on occasion, which is normal, but I have spent the better part of the past 3 months in this space, and have been keeping it entirely to myself. On the ride down to CTCA, I finally and quite spontaneously opened up to PJ about this, I explained to him that I was usually pretty good about talking and praying myself through these times, but lately I just couldn't do it - and I don't want to be in this dark place. I don't want to think about myself dying, of never seeing my kids grow up, of not being able to take care of my family - and this has always been shit I've thought of, but when you are in pain, it makes it much more vivid and real and scary. Long story short - I asked for help. From him, and then today, I asked for help from CTCA. I'm not used to doing this, and what I noticed myself doing was me showing up for these CTCA appts and treating them just like something on my To Do list. Putting the tough girls face on, smiling, joking, like I always do. Never have I thought of them as the place for me to let my guard down and just open up completely. Shame on me. This was difficult, and I'm not ashamed in the least to say I'll be seeing their psychologist here pretty soon. Looking forward to getting some help from someone to help me put this in perspective and hopefully gaining some tools to help me climb out of these dark moments. And, I realized it's not fair to my husband to keep this to myself either - he wants to help me, and he can't if I don't share what I'm thinking. So this was extremely powerful for me this visit - and I feel very positive about it.

I don't know how long I have, 10 min, 10 days, 10 months, 10 years, 40 years - but I don't want to spend whatever time that is being scared or fearful - I want it to be full of life, and love, and family, and friends, and giving and helping others. No time for bullshit or other peoples bullshit or drama, life is just way too short. I want to surround myself with people who want these same things out of life, learn from them, and hopefully be an example to those who haven't quite got it yet. To be completely dorky and quote Mandisa, 'I want the Truth that I believe to be the definition of me'.

So I start treatment on Friday - so prayers please that I react ok to this new drug, that it does what it is supposed to do, and also prayers that PJ's job will work with us on allowing him to take me to treatments. It is so much to ask I know, but he is the most trust worthy guy, I hope they know that and will allow him to make it up elsewhere - because he will.

I want so badly to keep our lives on course, as much as I can. I want to keep our plans to go to NY for Thanksgiving, to have a sleepover with Madeline this weekend, to give Ginger the bday party with a princess that she wants, to try to take a weekend away with just PJ and I, to see PJ's cousins and their kids over Easter - all of it - life doesn't stop because of cancer, life doesn't stop because of chemo. Everything keeps going - and don't want to miss any of it. Please, Lord, give me the strength, the healing, to power to go through this and keep going as a wife, a mother, a woman of God, and sister in Christ. Please, give me the strength.

God Bless -

Dina