Don't worry - you won't catch my chemo

Well, first treatment is done and overwith. I am no longer in the pain I was in before treatment, which is sooooo good. Considering the doc said I would have to wait 3-5 days after my first treatment for pain relief and I felt it the next morning, I consider this divine intervention, and give Jesus all the praise - thank you .

Friday was interesting - I was able to meet w/ my onc then the mind body spirit guy and he and PJ and I had a great talk. Really helped me. He says things to me that are just to the point, no 'making nice' which is a sweet relief. Reminded me to just let things be, and focus on healing, and allowing the treatments to do their thing. He said a lot more, reminding me to put me first, something I needed reminded to do. Told me not to fall into the typical 'breast cancer super mom' stereotype that he sees over and over again. Relieved me from feeling like I have to take care of everybody in my family - and we touched on some mother issues I need to spend some time in prayer about. Some deep shit, but good - all good. Then my onc walks in and says he has spoken in the quadrasphere guy and he wants to go ahead with that once I get on the Halivan routine - what??? My eyes felt like they popped out. I can't imagine doing both of these treatments simultaneously - but we will see. Right now I'm just focusing on this chemo treatment. Infusion was good I guess - and these new pumps give me all my premeds at once - so cool!!! I don't have to wait for one after the other - I get the steriod, the anti nausea med and the benedryl all at the same time - then my actual chemo drug is a push that takes 2-3 minutes. So they watched me for a bit, then I just realized that if they let me I'd just sleep in that chair for as long as they'd let me, I'd snooze myself to sleep. So I got my ass up and out we went. Groggy, but fine. I was pretty much fine until last night, that's when the steroid flush came upon me, oh how reminded I am now of all this side effect fun! Yes, I had forgotten actually that I was supposed to have a mommy & Madeline sleepover last night where we just got a hotel room locally and hung out. So we do this even though I'm starting to feel the side effects of my treatment (red face, nothing tastes right) and Madeline has the stomach bug that Ginger had last week - yay!!! But we had fun nontheless. Luckily she is old enough now to take some of these over the counter meds to find relief quickly for her - bless her heart. But we went swimming, hot tubbing, burnt popcorn in the room, ordered room service - we had a blast. Then off to church this morning to meet the rest of the family. That's where my encounter happened. I'm sure it was just a TMI moment, but it struck me as funny. See, I have found lately that when I tell my story - and I mean my whole story, it makes people a little, ok a LOT uncomfortable. It's like - tragedy overload for some people - and I can feel myself as I tell it, I can hear myself thinking 'ok, don't get too sucked in here, cuz there's more coming' it's like I almost have to lessen the reality of my own story to save the person I'm telling the pain of hearing it - does that make sense? It's ridiculous!

So, I had mentioned my meeting with one of the new pastors at my church sometime back, where I just wanted some spiritual guidance I guess, had hit a wall and wanted to talk it through - well, this was one of those moments. So, I haven't been back since, but I do get the longer hand shake and hug from him when we meet at church, and that is good and quite comforting to me. Well, this morning, I guess I felt like I had to share my divine intervention - I mean this pain gone this is a HUGE deal to me - I've been in pain where it hurt so bad to sneeze or yawn, I looked like I was giving birth each time either one of these things happened, now, I'm learning how to do these things normally again - I thought this was monumental. So when I get approached for the hug I mention that I started chemo onFriday which ilicited a quick stink face and a couple steps back. Hmm - ok. Then I try to make it ok by saying 'but my pain was gone instantly it was totally Jesus!' and I get 'I just wanted you to know I was praying for you' and off he went lickity split. Now, I only bring this exchange up because I find it ironic - I'm not upset by this,not in the least, I'm fine. I just think it's funny that here I go trying to appease others 'uncomfortableness' with my situation, yet again. I hate that this disease is all some people see now when they see me. I wish they saw me - but they don't. That's the part that I wanted to talk about. And it's not just this pastor, it's people who just don't know me. I liked it better when people didn't know me they really knew nothing about me - now - they all seem to know I have cancer - and that's all they know about me. So I get the pity look, or the shoulder touch, or the smile with the head tilt. Sucks. Because I think I have something to learn from certain people, and they just can't get past the cancer part. Sucks again.

So I'm drinking water with frozen fruit in it (tastes really good actually) and that's really about it - everything else tastes awful. Back I go to eating all natural which I was doing OK before, but now that I can't taste anything with preservatives, I'm going to go all organic and start a plant, fruit and fish based diet. Some chicken, but no meat - little dairy - that's it. My friend is going to show me how to shop like this this week - very excited. Ready for some new fresh ideas - ya only know what ya know - gotta change up what I know - ya know?

So I'm asking for positive prayers, sending out the bad thoughts that creep into my brain with a big FU to Satan and then the awesome catch phrase Pastor Dan gave me this morning, God's Got my Back. That has worked wonders so far today. Thank You!!!

Need to watch my Sunday eve zombie show with my hubby so I bid u farewell. Glad to have nothing to do tomorrow. Need one more day of rest, gotta get into a groove here. Not there yet. Clearly.

I read the following passage today for the first time ever and it just filled me with such - life? Not sure how else to explain it. It's Habakkuk 3:17-19. I know - I never even LOOKED and this book in the Bible - anyway, I'll just share the last line, but please check this out - it is amazing:

' The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.'

This visual is just so comforting to me. I love it. Check in tomorrow - God Bless.

Dina