Dina's Shoulder - The Newest Carnival Attraction

So, I finally got my appt today at CTCA. I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for my interventional radiologist to call me back, which, he never did. In retrospect, this is not entirely a bad thing. Because I have a new interventional radiologist now, who is awesome and treats me like a person. Anyway, saw him today and he gave me an entirely different interpretation of my last CT scan. Get OUT - right? So, he says he can't really be sure that there is new growth on the right side - can you believe it? He described to me what cancer looks like on a CT scan and this didn't really look like that. He didn't really know what it was - vascular irritation was a possibility. So he recommend I have a PET scan so we can really see what we're dealing with, then either schedule another quadrasphere if it is, or take some time off if it's not. And as I still am dealing with so much pain when I breathe in on my right side, he did a full ultra sound on my abdomen, all of which came out fine. My bloodwork came back fine, my liver function is normal, my white and red blood cells are perfect, and my tumor markers were even down. Isn't that crazy! So we decide that I will start taking Alieve for the pain instead of popping all these Advil, see if that helps, schedule the PET scan for the first of March then see if we need a quadrasphere or not. Sounds awesome right? Right, it is. Except here's where everything went in a totally different direction today.

My shoulder has been hurting, I think I've mentioned this here before. So he does this physical exam which generates some pain, then he decides to do an ultra sound himself on it, just to take a peek. Nothing. We agree to try to strengthen it up by doing some stretching at home, to see if that improves. Ok.

Off I go to my oncologist appt - check up time. He reviews everything that I just went through with the interventional radiologist and upon his physical exam of me - he notes my pain when I breathe in like before, and my shoulder pain. He says he wants an xray of my chest and my shoulder. Just like that - they send me back down to imaging and there I immediately have my xrays - so frickin cool that this happens this fast - and the results are given within like, 10-15 min, no lie. He reports to me that my chest is clear - thank you Jesus. My shoulder however, has a hole in it. Yea, you read that right - my shoulder bone as a hole in it - about the size of a nickel. I respond with 'what?!?' and he says "yep". I look at him and say 'well, it's cancer isn't it? what else could do that?" and he says he doesn't know. That he's never seen it in this particular bone before, so that part just doesn't make sense to him. I just continually seem to baffle everyone. He and PJ then begin to chat that perhaps this is degenerative, or maybe I've always had this. Nobody knows. Point is, he doesn't want to wait to find out - so now I have a PET scan scheduled for Monday morning. Ugh.

AND - to boot, I accidentally OD'd on Vit D today - did you know you could do this? Well, I did with this new supplement I've been taking - and my naturpath informs me that the dose I was taking is at toxic levels. Well, I certainly felt toxic - it was awful. Better now though - thank God.

So I have to admit, I was freaked out at this news. Freaked out. Then, as I vented to PJ (thank God he was with me) I was able to calm down. I told Dr. Nixon that I was scared - and he said, well, if it makes me feel any better, if it is cancer, we just shoot it with radiation to kill it and stop your pain. What we are treating on the liver is way more important than this, that there is an easy fix to this. Yes, that does make me feel better actually. So I process this through, while feeling these awful flu like symptoms from the stupid Vit D - then something just kicked into gear for me. I looked at PJ and said "well, ya know - this whole hole in the shoulder bone thing could really earn us some extra money. I could be a new game at the county fair, have people like, toss a small ball through it to win a prize". Then we began to brainstorm on all the uses for this, you could string your purse through it, you could put an earring through it, you could go hardcore and pierce it with some sort of spike or something. If I was really desperate, I'm sure the adult film community could find a use for it. (kidding) Point is, is I need to tune into my sense of humor. I've lost that so much lately, and if I sit and be sad and scared and wallow in this sea of self pity - then not only is life passing me by while I do this, including my children lives, it totally plays into the fear. I refuse to do this anymore. I can hear the Holy Spirit guide me through this (which dr and which procedure is right) trust the Lord has my back here, and live my life. Yes, my life has a lot of dr appts and tests and other things in it that remind me of my cancer all the time - and I continue to have moments that it totally pisses me off - it reminds everyone of my cancer - but there are other parts of my life that aren't centered around that. That's what I'm going to intentionally focus on. I have been in this fog the past couple of weeks, and I'm telling you, it's like this news lifted this fog right out of my brain. Am I tired of being in pain, yes, and this can only be one more step towards ending this toxic way of thinking. I'm missing everything when I think like this!!!! So that's what I'm working on.

I'll know more on Monday - so until then, I'm livin life the best I can, pain or no pain. We'll figure this out. This may sound totally hokey - totally 'Jesus Freakish' - I don't care - I'm as surprised as anyone else that this is where my brain is just a couple hours after receiving this news. Perhaps my beautiful prayer circle was heard loud and clear yesterday, eh? My devotion for today said this:

I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly places. I guarantee you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you think of yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help Me Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me.

I'm telling you, my brain just went there - I think it was kind of a decision, but more like an unconcious shift in perspective. Crazy.

So there we have it. Thanks for you prayers - they help so much I can't even explain. I've been asked to give my testimony for the church this month, which really just warms my heart. I know I am supposed to share - be it speaking, music, leadership - I know I am supposed to share and serve. I just know it.

God Bless