PJ here. This is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. After a nearly 4 year battle against breast cancer, last night Dina peacefully went home to be with Jesus. Her bravery, strength and courage are a testament to the amazing woman that she was. Dina touched so many lives and I had the opportunity to be along for the ride.
As information is finalized regarding her memorial service I will pass it along to you all. Thank you again for all you have done for our family over the past four years. You have filled us with such blessings and feelings of comfort and love.
PJ-
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
An update on Dina
Hello Friends. PJ here. I wanted to post an update on Dina. First, thank you so much for your continued love and support, prayers and help...you are all such a gift and blessing to us. Dina was relocated a little over a week ago to a private, full-time care facility in Prescott Valley. She has settled nicely into her room and the staff are all so caring. Unfortunately, Dina has begun to experience difficulties keeping pain medications in her system and is sleeping significantly more and is not having coherent conversations. Dina is no longer up to seeing visitors, as it is just too draining for her. I would ask that you all just keep praying for Dina's comfort and pain relief. Again, thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.
PJ-
PJ-
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friends have asked me to post this on their behalf
PJ here. We've had several friends, who continue to surround us with their love, ask to post the following on Dina's blog, so here it goes:
Let’s Make a Difference!
Dina Mountcastle has been battling breast cancer for over 3 ½ years now. Dina is a wife and mother to two small girls (Madeline and Ginger), an active member of the Prescott community, local theater, MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers), and American Lutheran Church.
Recently, due to the advanced disease in her liver, the oncology community has recommended ceasing cancer treatment. Hospice services have begun. It goes without saying; this has been devastating news for her, her sweet family, loved ones, and everyone that she has touched.
How can we help? Being in cancer treatment for over 3 ½ years can take a toll on a family’s savings. The medical bills have been significant and burdensome. As you can imagine, Christmas gifts are low on the priority list.
Dina has hesitantly allowed a group of friends to create a way for all of us to make a difference!
If you are able, please consider making a donation to “Dina Mountcastle’s Game On Fund” to make this an extra special Christmas for her family and help with the mounting medical bills. An account has been opened in Dina’s name through PayPal for medical expenses and Christmas for her family. See the “Donate” tab to the right on how to make a donation through PayPal.
As a community, we can make a difference and help this family.
With sincere thanks,
Friends of Dina -
Let’s Make a Difference!
Dina Mountcastle has been battling breast cancer for over 3 ½ years now. Dina is a wife and mother to two small girls (Madeline and Ginger), an active member of the Prescott community, local theater, MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers), and American Lutheran Church.
Recently, due to the advanced disease in her liver, the oncology community has recommended ceasing cancer treatment. Hospice services have begun. It goes without saying; this has been devastating news for her, her sweet family, loved ones, and everyone that she has touched.
How can we help? Being in cancer treatment for over 3 ½ years can take a toll on a family’s savings. The medical bills have been significant and burdensome. As you can imagine, Christmas gifts are low on the priority list.
Dina has hesitantly allowed a group of friends to create a way for all of us to make a difference!
If you are able, please consider making a donation to “Dina Mountcastle’s Game On Fund” to make this an extra special Christmas for her family and help with the mounting medical bills. An account has been opened in Dina’s name through PayPal for medical expenses and Christmas for her family. See the “Donate” tab to the right on how to make a donation through PayPal.
As a community, we can make a difference and help this family.
With sincere thanks,
Friends of Dina -
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The real McKoy
So, let's set the record straight on what 'hospice' looks like. I'll admit, I used to think was all tubes coming out of everywhere, gasping for air and a lot of dramatic reaching across the room at nothing. It is not. What it is - a nurse that manages my meds, comes in 3 times a week to take my vitals (blood pressure, temp, heart, O2 level), we chat about my pooping, or not pooping, and that is really about it. So I hope that paints a little more accurate picture. It also offers lots of other resources which are really helpful - from pastoral care to house cleaning to bathing assistance to assistance of any kind. I found it quite different from my stereo-typical perception. Shame on me. There, enough of that.
One thing I probably should do here, but am extremely reluctant to do is post a current picture of myself. To be honest, I'm embarrassed. I look nothing like I used to look at all. I could take the baldness, that was easy in retrospect to where I am now. I am jaundice because of my high bilirubin levels, I'm extremely thin and old looking on the top of my body, if that makes any sense, but then fat and filled with fluid on the bottom of my body. To make all the more special, my belly is protruding so badly it makes me look like I'm at least 8 months pregnant. I am relying on the walker now because of this balance issue, the cracked pelvis from Annie (which I don't regret at all!), and just general pain. It just plain sucks. I know I've been very forthcoming about this is the past but right now, I just can't be.
The pain level in my liver is slowly increasing therefore my pain meds need to be increased. That makes my bowels move at a snail's pace, causing horrific pain as well as I try to balance laxatives, stool softeners, pineapple, anything to get things moving. Sorry for being so graphic. No, I'm not; this is the real picture of what dying for me looks like, I guess.
Everything that everyone is saying about me is making me feel like I have one foot in the grave, which I guess I do. However, I see it as my port was receiving man made medicine for the last 3 1/2 years and now it will receive what God chooses to give me. At first, I didn't know how to pray. Did I pray for a miracle? Did I pray for complete healing? What I pray for now, after much thought was something that a good friend shared with me. I pray for peace and healing, either this side of heaven or the other. And, as Pastor Mary graciously gave me in her wisdom, whenever I am afraid, I stop whatever fearful thought I am thinking and I say out loud "Jesus, I trust you", because I do. I trust Him so much. To be honest, fear does not come upon me often at all. I feel like me. Sleepy, but me.
I have never used this blog to address anyone, so this post is very difficult for me because I'm not speaking to anyone specific at all. I just want everyone know collectively that I'm not dead yet and only the Lord knows when that will be. I have to say that I feel very much like the Monty Python skit "Bring out your dead", and I'm the guy slung over the shoulder shouting "I'm not quite dead yet...". On the other hand, as much as that makes me laugh, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" will mean something much more to me this year, because it is.
God Bless,
Dina
One thing I probably should do here, but am extremely reluctant to do is post a current picture of myself. To be honest, I'm embarrassed. I look nothing like I used to look at all. I could take the baldness, that was easy in retrospect to where I am now. I am jaundice because of my high bilirubin levels, I'm extremely thin and old looking on the top of my body, if that makes any sense, but then fat and filled with fluid on the bottom of my body. To make all the more special, my belly is protruding so badly it makes me look like I'm at least 8 months pregnant. I am relying on the walker now because of this balance issue, the cracked pelvis from Annie (which I don't regret at all!), and just general pain. It just plain sucks. I know I've been very forthcoming about this is the past but right now, I just can't be.
The pain level in my liver is slowly increasing therefore my pain meds need to be increased. That makes my bowels move at a snail's pace, causing horrific pain as well as I try to balance laxatives, stool softeners, pineapple, anything to get things moving. Sorry for being so graphic. No, I'm not; this is the real picture of what dying for me looks like, I guess.
Everything that everyone is saying about me is making me feel like I have one foot in the grave, which I guess I do. However, I see it as my port was receiving man made medicine for the last 3 1/2 years and now it will receive what God chooses to give me. At first, I didn't know how to pray. Did I pray for a miracle? Did I pray for complete healing? What I pray for now, after much thought was something that a good friend shared with me. I pray for peace and healing, either this side of heaven or the other. And, as Pastor Mary graciously gave me in her wisdom, whenever I am afraid, I stop whatever fearful thought I am thinking and I say out loud "Jesus, I trust you", because I do. I trust Him so much. To be honest, fear does not come upon me often at all. I feel like me. Sleepy, but me.
I have never used this blog to address anyone, so this post is very difficult for me because I'm not speaking to anyone specific at all. I just want everyone know collectively that I'm not dead yet and only the Lord knows when that will be. I have to say that I feel very much like the Monty Python skit "Bring out your dead", and I'm the guy slung over the shoulder shouting "I'm not quite dead yet...". On the other hand, as much as that makes me laugh, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" will mean something much more to me this year, because it is.
God Bless,
Dina
Monday, December 3, 2012
the news we didn't want....................
Well, PJ and I rec'd the news we didn't want on Friday - and I'm going to be very blunt here, if you don't mind. My liver is shutting down and there's nothing they can do about it. Seems my billirubin jumped a whole point last Thurs then again on Fri - and they (meaning the medical director of CTCA and the intake dr. for inpatient) said any further treatment will cause my liver to shut down completely immediately. My liver has been beat up so much, it is currently working at 600% capacity more than it should be. Not good.
At first I cried, then stopped, then cried again. That seems to be the pattern. I cry, then stop, then cry, then stop.
So I've been sent home to live out the remainder of my life, wth a Hospice team. I can't fucking believe it. Party of me thinks - I go through this crappy shit, all this chemo, theresphere, quadrasphere - and this is what I get? None of it worked, the cancer kept growing, and here i am.
Then, on the other hand, I'm so tired. So tired of fighting, I just want to live out these following days, weeks, months - whatever (I'm pretty yellow so that's why I stop at months) here with my family and friends. However, the sucky part (not that it all doesn't suck) is that I still have the broken pelvis, the edema, the neuropathy that is affecting my living. Like I don't get to enjoy the remaining time without this excruciating pain - everywhere - and that sucks.
I feel like I'm in some sort of movie. Like it's happening all around me, but not to me directly. If that makes sense. We elected to tell our family first. Told my mom, and she cried a little, taking it all in.
Told my sweet angels, which was the singlemost heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do I think. I watched their faces and they just dropped. Madeline started crying a little, then said 'Mom I wish we had three lives, then we could live one, die then come back and live again'. Ginger looked at me with no expression and said 'It's my fault'. I held her close and said "no, no my sweet angel, it's not your fault - it's not anyone's fault". Told my sister, who was quiet and stoic. She asked if I wanted her to come out earlier than Jan, I said I didn't know. I don't know how to answer this question. It's like by me answering I'm saying "yea, I think may die then". Then my daddy and his beautiful wife Nancy. Also heart wrenching. To hold my father in my arms on the couch and both of us sob together. This is surreal. Now here. Christmas is usually my ultimate obsession, however now, not so much. I'm so crushed that I wasn't able to experience NYC with my family, it was one of my lifelong dreams to show my kids the Thanksgiving
Day parade, which we didn't do because of my mothers health decline. Little did we know. I suppose it just wasn't supposed to happen. I need to trust that.
My body is just unrecognizable to me. My belly is distended, my skin color is yellowing, I hardly have the strength to get around so the walker is my best friend these days. So I avoid mirrors these days. And of course I would have JUST placed like the biggest MAC order of my life. Any one interested in some fabUlous MAC makeup barely used? Grrr.
I'm not afraid to die. I can't wait to meet Jesus with open arms. But I wish it wasn't now. I want so bad to be a wife to my husband and grow old together. I have sooooo much to teach my girls, about being girls, and women, and wives. Why is this being taken away from me? We purchased a video camera from Walmart so I can start working on recording messages to them. To be honest, I don' know where to start. My friend Jennifer had a great idea of sending them birthday cards, which I will start on this week. It is all so overwhelming.
I've been sitting here at the kitchen table now for a couple of hours typing and my feet are filling with fluid, and it's me and the girls home here alone this morning, so I'll need to sign off here. But not to worry, I'll be back. This blog will again become what I need to get through this.
God Bless -
Dina
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thank you sir, may I have another...(ultra-painful ultrasound)
Hi there. PJ, Dina's husband here. Wanted to provide an update from our most recent adventure:
Saturday – Liver pain starts and increases in intensity.
Sunday – Unsettled feeling throughout the day.
Monday – Terrible pain in the abdomen, especially on the right side. Took her to CTCA’s Internal Medicine clinic where they started working her up. She was admitted to the inpatient wing to begin addressing the pain and the swelling of the legs and abdomen. A CT scan was performed where the Dr saw a large amount of fluid had accumulated on the right side. The last CT was performed on 10/28, which did not show this fluid. Dr then drained 2800cc of fluid from this area. Pain management was discussed, as well as the fluid accumulation in the belly. Blood work performed which yielded high levels of bilirubin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bilirubin).
Tuesday – Ultrasound of the liver was performed and pain management procedures put in place. Episodes of intense pain experienced throughout the day. Ultrasound reviewed looking for blockages of the common bile duct (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_bile_duct) and portal vein (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hepatic_portal_vein). None were visible. Blood work performed which yielded a lower level of bilirubin.
Wednesday – Second ultrasound performed looking for fluid accumulation on the right side. Fluid found to have started collecting again. Efforts continued to manage pain. New diuretic prescribed. Blood work performed which yielded a yet lower level of bilirubin.
Thursday – Further pain management efforts. Blood work performed which yielded bilirubin levels had returned to the same amount as Monday. GI Dr firmly convinced the distended belly is caused by constipation.
That's about it. Will update with more later. Many thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers
Saturday – Liver pain starts and increases in intensity.
Sunday – Unsettled feeling throughout the day.
Monday – Terrible pain in the abdomen, especially on the right side. Took her to CTCA’s Internal Medicine clinic where they started working her up. She was admitted to the inpatient wing to begin addressing the pain and the swelling of the legs and abdomen. A CT scan was performed where the Dr saw a large amount of fluid had accumulated on the right side. The last CT was performed on 10/28, which did not show this fluid. Dr then drained 2800cc of fluid from this area. Pain management was discussed, as well as the fluid accumulation in the belly. Blood work performed which yielded high levels of bilirubin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bilirubin).
Tuesday – Ultrasound of the liver was performed and pain management procedures put in place. Episodes of intense pain experienced throughout the day. Ultrasound reviewed looking for blockages of the common bile duct (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_bile_duct) and portal vein (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hepatic_portal_vein). None were visible. Blood work performed which yielded a lower level of bilirubin.
Wednesday – Second ultrasound performed looking for fluid accumulation on the right side. Fluid found to have started collecting again. Efforts continued to manage pain. New diuretic prescribed. Blood work performed which yielded a yet lower level of bilirubin.
Thursday – Further pain management efforts. Blood work performed which yielded bilirubin levels had returned to the same amount as Monday. GI Dr firmly convinced the distended belly is caused by constipation.
That's about it. Will update with more later. Many thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers
Saturday, August 25, 2012
How Time Flies
Well, a lot has happened since late June. I really need to be more diligent here, otherwise it's like when a cancer patient drops someone from their Christmas card list - everyone starts wondering: "Oh! - did she?" No - I'm very much still alive and kicking. Let's catch up a bit shall we?
Our summer was wicked busy - which was great. The kids took swimming lessons then they each went to a week long day camp at the Nature Center up here in Prescott, and that was GREAT for each of them. It was hot - but they also got to experience some monsoons first hand in the forest, pretty cool. Point is, I kept my kids busy busy busy. Then school started for Madeline first part of Aug. She is a big 2nd grader now, I can't believe it, and just absolutely luvin it. Granted they aren't sending home any homework till after Parent Night next week, so her tune may change a bit, but for now, she is happy as a clam. Ginger will start 5 day pre-K at our church preschool after labor day weekend. She is pretty excited too - but I think right now, she's just happy to spend one on one time w/ Mom and by herself.
My treatment has been going along status quo. I am still on the 1/2 dose which is much more tolerable than the full dose, and my hairt did start growing back, thin but coming back, and I couldn't really tell if it was chemo hair or real hair of a mixture thereof. So what do I decide to do to it? Let's bleach it! Yeah! I've always wanted platinum blonde and this is just the PERFECT time to do THAT, right? My awesome hairdresser did it - and did a fantastic job. However, (you knew this was coming right?), now - it's falling out again. My girls had put some semi-permanent pink color in, and to get it out, Grace had to bleach it twice - which I think was just too much for my head to take. Thus, we are once again molting. Also, I discovered that walking around town with my much needed freedom from scarves, I realized how much of a lesbian I looked like. Jeans, light fashionable ladies flannel print button down, croc flip flops, and my spiked white hair. I looked like a lesbian. Not that there's anything WRONG with that, I mean, all I was missing was the Birkenstock (which are on sale now, hmmmmm). Not quite the look I was going for. But I got some cool comments too, Ginger called me a Rock Star, friends called me Anne Lennox, and the nice lady at the reception counter at the pediatricians office called me a grandma. Needless to say, I've rethought this decision on more than one occasion. Perhaps my hair falling out again now isn't necessarily a bad thing. What I have realized though - is that I really miss my hair. A lot. I miss having hair. I'm thinking of becoming a wig person. I always have thought - everyone in this town already knows I have cancer and am bald, who am I trying to fool here? Plus, don't I have to play the 'I'm bald and proud of it and will wear it like a warrior!' This is for me - not for anyone else, and I want to feel pretty. If a wig can help do that, why not? People around here will get used to it - it won't take that long, this is about me feeling good about me - so I'm in contact with my insurance company to see how much they will cover for a 'cranial prosthetic' - good right? That's what I must call it to see where it falls in the land of coverage terms within my policy. We will see.
Something new I have been experiencing as been my tummy protruding. The previous time I went into the doc (just went again yesterday for treatment) I mentioned this, saying it didn't hurt or anything, I was experiencing some constipation issues, but was walking around like frickin E.T. and did not feel real attractive about it. Can we keep adding more unattractiveness to Dina? Please? Anyhoo, everyone thinks is gas and constipation, so I am prescribed this mother of a 'not a laxative but really felt like one' and told to take Miralax with it 2x a day and after 3 days - whala! We have movement!!! So that worked but I still felt super bloated. So I've added a probiotic, Miralax once a day, and Gas X at night, and I think we're on the road to recovery. Still protrusion, not as severe, but I will request a visit from the gastro doc when I return next week for treatment if it's not significantly better.
I finally did visit with a psychiatrist, and have to say it was the best thing I ever did. Spoke to him about my whole life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the uglier - and he seemed to find this extremely refreshing. I said that I had been through therapy before and had come to term with many areas of my like, so those were a bit earlier to talk about. The one thing I couldn't seem to master, which is why I was there, was this dark place my thoughts would go - and this started way before cancer. I'd have this little reel of conversation that would play in my head if I wasn't being productive enough, successful enough, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough servant of Jesus, then cancer came and that list just tripled in length. I could shut it off - though I tried throughout the years of my life with alcohol, with prayer - which helped immensely more than ANYTHING else, my relationship with Christ got me closer to healing this voice inside me than anything else, but it still would creep back. Now, I greatly summarizing my visit with my psych doc here, but in the end, he felt that as a young child, I was always taught to fear, and to strive to be better, thus never developing the relaxing receptors in my brain needed to function in this life - general anxiety disorder. He explained this and I just burst into tears. It was like finally, a light went off and there was an explanation for how I was feeling, that it wasn't just me as this complete f*ck up - ya know? It just made total sense to me. So slowly we medicated me onto a drug called Neurontin and it is really helping, on so many levels. Pretty happy about that.
We are well into rehearsals for Annie and I must say, I am having a BLAST!!!! I am tired, tired, tired - this was MUCH easier when I was single and in my early 30's - much less married with 2 kids, tending to my niece, mom, and in full chemo for breast cancer - but whatever. I am loving this show, loving this cast and crew, and loving this part - Miss Hannigan is so much fun I can hardly stand it! What a gift. What a beautiful gift God has given me by laying this opportunity before me and giving me the support network to get out there and do it. I hope I make my family, and this production staff proud. We open Sept 14th!!! Get your tickets now!!
Now, because our life just wasn't full enough - we have added yet another family member in need and her 13 month old daughter into our home - temporarily. You think I was feeling like the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before with all of us sleeping in the same bed in the middle of the room? Here we go. My husbands sister and her daughter were literally thrown our of the home they were staying in 2 weeks ago - with no place to go. So PJ and I spoke, laid down some ground rules amongst each other first with this decision, then went and got her and her daughter in Phx and brought them up here. They are staying on our couch, we have the baby in what we call the 'boat bed' this inflatable toddler mattress we used when we would travels with ours, and we are helping her get back up on her feet. She has never really been shown how to mother, how to have her own place, take care of herself and be independent, so we are going to take this opportunity to help her in this aspect, and she has made herself open to this, which has been refreshing to say the least. We have made great progress thus far, have a ways to go - but we'll get it done. Whenever I find my self in a selfish thinking mode, which is completely normal and human I think, and I'm talking about thoughts like 'I want my couch back, I want my evenings back, I want my much needed room back, I want my food back' I am reminded of His simple words - Love Thy Neighbor. And I need to help her and this innocent child. It is what we are called to do. Not be taken advantage of, do not mistake. We won't do it for her, we just don't have time, but we can love her, and sternly point her in the right direction then follow up and point her in the next direction and follow up. I love her and this baby so much, and know that with a little help, she can build a life for her and her child, one that she can be proud of, that is all I want. There's a time frame, I can't have someone living on my couch for months, it just isn't healthy for anyone - but I know we'll do it. Together, with God's help.
Just had treatment yesterday, and still on the steroid high, which is why I'm typing this morning. Still quiet although my kids are both fighting colds now. My hubby has gone down to Phx to visit his dad who has gotten much worse unfortunately. We've been told he had a violent outburst last week and had to be sent to a psych ward for evaluation to see if he will even be allowed to return to the facility he was in. I must say, when word of this came I looked up and said to the Lord - "seriously? no more please, just let us get a handle on what we've recently taken on before we take on more". But it's His time, not ours right? Damn. I will scan again after the play is open and done with. I'll have one more treatment next week then I will return to treatment on the 28th of Sept. That may seem like a long time, but, my platelets have continually been in a lower range come the week I am to start treatment - not dangerous, but if I were given chemo, it would drop into a scary range. So I've had to wait 2 weeks between treatments. No biggie. We will scan then and start cycle 5. Praying for good results overall. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hurting. My core is hurting - all the time - some liver pain, but it comes and goes, lower back ache, rib pain - is is muscle? Is it bone? It's been hard to differentiate between rehearsal pains and cancer pains. I mean, dancing? Me? I haven't done this shit in like, 10 years. So I just keep praying, and praying, and praying - and looking for the opportunity to love, not bitch and complain. Wow that's hard.
God Bless -
Dina
Our summer was wicked busy - which was great. The kids took swimming lessons then they each went to a week long day camp at the Nature Center up here in Prescott, and that was GREAT for each of them. It was hot - but they also got to experience some monsoons first hand in the forest, pretty cool. Point is, I kept my kids busy busy busy. Then school started for Madeline first part of Aug. She is a big 2nd grader now, I can't believe it, and just absolutely luvin it. Granted they aren't sending home any homework till after Parent Night next week, so her tune may change a bit, but for now, she is happy as a clam. Ginger will start 5 day pre-K at our church preschool after labor day weekend. She is pretty excited too - but I think right now, she's just happy to spend one on one time w/ Mom and by herself.
My treatment has been going along status quo. I am still on the 1/2 dose which is much more tolerable than the full dose, and my hairt did start growing back, thin but coming back, and I couldn't really tell if it was chemo hair or real hair of a mixture thereof. So what do I decide to do to it? Let's bleach it! Yeah! I've always wanted platinum blonde and this is just the PERFECT time to do THAT, right? My awesome hairdresser did it - and did a fantastic job. However, (you knew this was coming right?), now - it's falling out again. My girls had put some semi-permanent pink color in, and to get it out, Grace had to bleach it twice - which I think was just too much for my head to take. Thus, we are once again molting. Also, I discovered that walking around town with my much needed freedom from scarves, I realized how much of a lesbian I looked like. Jeans, light fashionable ladies flannel print button down, croc flip flops, and my spiked white hair. I looked like a lesbian. Not that there's anything WRONG with that, I mean, all I was missing was the Birkenstock (which are on sale now, hmmmmm). Not quite the look I was going for. But I got some cool comments too, Ginger called me a Rock Star, friends called me Anne Lennox, and the nice lady at the reception counter at the pediatricians office called me a grandma. Needless to say, I've rethought this decision on more than one occasion. Perhaps my hair falling out again now isn't necessarily a bad thing. What I have realized though - is that I really miss my hair. A lot. I miss having hair. I'm thinking of becoming a wig person. I always have thought - everyone in this town already knows I have cancer and am bald, who am I trying to fool here? Plus, don't I have to play the 'I'm bald and proud of it and will wear it like a warrior!' This is for me - not for anyone else, and I want to feel pretty. If a wig can help do that, why not? People around here will get used to it - it won't take that long, this is about me feeling good about me - so I'm in contact with my insurance company to see how much they will cover for a 'cranial prosthetic' - good right? That's what I must call it to see where it falls in the land of coverage terms within my policy. We will see.
Something new I have been experiencing as been my tummy protruding. The previous time I went into the doc (just went again yesterday for treatment) I mentioned this, saying it didn't hurt or anything, I was experiencing some constipation issues, but was walking around like frickin E.T. and did not feel real attractive about it. Can we keep adding more unattractiveness to Dina? Please? Anyhoo, everyone thinks is gas and constipation, so I am prescribed this mother of a 'not a laxative but really felt like one' and told to take Miralax with it 2x a day and after 3 days - whala! We have movement!!! So that worked but I still felt super bloated. So I've added a probiotic, Miralax once a day, and Gas X at night, and I think we're on the road to recovery. Still protrusion, not as severe, but I will request a visit from the gastro doc when I return next week for treatment if it's not significantly better.
I finally did visit with a psychiatrist, and have to say it was the best thing I ever did. Spoke to him about my whole life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the uglier - and he seemed to find this extremely refreshing. I said that I had been through therapy before and had come to term with many areas of my like, so those were a bit earlier to talk about. The one thing I couldn't seem to master, which is why I was there, was this dark place my thoughts would go - and this started way before cancer. I'd have this little reel of conversation that would play in my head if I wasn't being productive enough, successful enough, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough servant of Jesus, then cancer came and that list just tripled in length. I could shut it off - though I tried throughout the years of my life with alcohol, with prayer - which helped immensely more than ANYTHING else, my relationship with Christ got me closer to healing this voice inside me than anything else, but it still would creep back. Now, I greatly summarizing my visit with my psych doc here, but in the end, he felt that as a young child, I was always taught to fear, and to strive to be better, thus never developing the relaxing receptors in my brain needed to function in this life - general anxiety disorder. He explained this and I just burst into tears. It was like finally, a light went off and there was an explanation for how I was feeling, that it wasn't just me as this complete f*ck up - ya know? It just made total sense to me. So slowly we medicated me onto a drug called Neurontin and it is really helping, on so many levels. Pretty happy about that.
We are well into rehearsals for Annie and I must say, I am having a BLAST!!!! I am tired, tired, tired - this was MUCH easier when I was single and in my early 30's - much less married with 2 kids, tending to my niece, mom, and in full chemo for breast cancer - but whatever. I am loving this show, loving this cast and crew, and loving this part - Miss Hannigan is so much fun I can hardly stand it! What a gift. What a beautiful gift God has given me by laying this opportunity before me and giving me the support network to get out there and do it. I hope I make my family, and this production staff proud. We open Sept 14th!!! Get your tickets now!!
Now, because our life just wasn't full enough - we have added yet another family member in need and her 13 month old daughter into our home - temporarily. You think I was feeling like the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before with all of us sleeping in the same bed in the middle of the room? Here we go. My husbands sister and her daughter were literally thrown our of the home they were staying in 2 weeks ago - with no place to go. So PJ and I spoke, laid down some ground rules amongst each other first with this decision, then went and got her and her daughter in Phx and brought them up here. They are staying on our couch, we have the baby in what we call the 'boat bed' this inflatable toddler mattress we used when we would travels with ours, and we are helping her get back up on her feet. She has never really been shown how to mother, how to have her own place, take care of herself and be independent, so we are going to take this opportunity to help her in this aspect, and she has made herself open to this, which has been refreshing to say the least. We have made great progress thus far, have a ways to go - but we'll get it done. Whenever I find my self in a selfish thinking mode, which is completely normal and human I think, and I'm talking about thoughts like 'I want my couch back, I want my evenings back, I want my much needed room back, I want my food back' I am reminded of His simple words - Love Thy Neighbor. And I need to help her and this innocent child. It is what we are called to do. Not be taken advantage of, do not mistake. We won't do it for her, we just don't have time, but we can love her, and sternly point her in the right direction then follow up and point her in the next direction and follow up. I love her and this baby so much, and know that with a little help, she can build a life for her and her child, one that she can be proud of, that is all I want. There's a time frame, I can't have someone living on my couch for months, it just isn't healthy for anyone - but I know we'll do it. Together, with God's help.
Just had treatment yesterday, and still on the steroid high, which is why I'm typing this morning. Still quiet although my kids are both fighting colds now. My hubby has gone down to Phx to visit his dad who has gotten much worse unfortunately. We've been told he had a violent outburst last week and had to be sent to a psych ward for evaluation to see if he will even be allowed to return to the facility he was in. I must say, when word of this came I looked up and said to the Lord - "seriously? no more please, just let us get a handle on what we've recently taken on before we take on more". But it's His time, not ours right? Damn. I will scan again after the play is open and done with. I'll have one more treatment next week then I will return to treatment on the 28th of Sept. That may seem like a long time, but, my platelets have continually been in a lower range come the week I am to start treatment - not dangerous, but if I were given chemo, it would drop into a scary range. So I've had to wait 2 weeks between treatments. No biggie. We will scan then and start cycle 5. Praying for good results overall. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hurting. My core is hurting - all the time - some liver pain, but it comes and goes, lower back ache, rib pain - is is muscle? Is it bone? It's been hard to differentiate between rehearsal pains and cancer pains. I mean, dancing? Me? I haven't done this shit in like, 10 years. So I just keep praying, and praying, and praying - and looking for the opportunity to love, not bitch and complain. Wow that's hard.
God Bless -
Dina
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