Spiritual Draino

Can't sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute. Funny, I'm tired - wicked tired - but I lay down, close my eyes, and my mind will not shut off. Thought maybe if I dumped some of this out here it may help. We'll see.

We started my prayer circle back up today, and I have to say, it was amazing. Once again I am so touched by the people who show up for me in this realm. I can't explain how awesome this is - to see God working through these fabulous people. In any case, this has played out stunningly throughout my day today. It's like, this was just the awesome dose of 'spiritual draino' I needed, if you will. It's like I had a clog in my communication w/ God - and this just cleared it all out. Now, the conversation is back on track and there's so much to talk about - maybe that's why I can't sleep. Hmmm.

I had been stuck in this rut of constantly looking back and feeling such regret. Regret for not enjoying things that I took for granted - like my good health, my youth, my 'womanness' if you will. We just don't get it do we? Really - until something threatens or changes it. Sucks. Anyhow, I'm finally starting to let go of this 'looking back' and really embracing who I am now. Physically, and mentally. It is a process, but today seemed to open up this 'wake up and love who you are' way of thinking to me. I finally heard Him speak to me on this issue. My husband tells me recently that he can look at me and know when I'm stuck in my head - it's very reassuring to know that someone knows you that well. Very conforting - like you have someone in your corner at all times, someone looking out for you when you can't look out for yourself. PJ is the one person who can call me out on my bullshit and I won't get all butt hurt about it.

Pastor Mary said today that she had a visual of me giving up all this anger, shovel full after shovel full, right over to God. That this would eventually give me a 'lighter' feeling. Back to that 'joyful' state of mind. I want to be back there so bad. She's right - the energy I have should be spent differently. Why add this 'rock' to my already full backpack, right? What an awesome visual - and He can take it.

I think I'm slowly trying to adjust to this new normal, on this medication. My stomach is a little in knots this week, and my feet are really uncomfortable. I remember how the bottoms of my feet would feel when I was a little kid running out to get the mail on a hot summer day in Phx - trying to walk from shadow to shadow in your bare feet to avoid the hot sidewalk. Sometimes it was totally unavoidable, and I'd just go really fast - then when I'd finally get back to the house, my feet would just burn for about 15 seconds or so. That's how they feel, but it's a wee bit longer than 15 seconds. And the place where you toes bend, the crease in your foot, that cracks and bleeds so I do cream, neosporin and bandaids, and wear socks a lot. I shouldn't bitch about this, I feel guilty just writing this here, I mean I've experienced much worse, this just sucks. I thought when I started this medication back in March that I had skirted all these side effects. I guess they just took some time to kick in. So far no side effects with the Avastin, but it's a bit early for that. I've only had 2 treatments so far. We can hope. I do notice that cheese tastes kinda bad to me - which isn't all bad to be quite honest. God had to keep me from eating so much of it one way or another. Maybe that was the whole point in me starting the Avastin in the first place - to curb my cheddar cheese addiction. Hmmm.

We have a lovely weekend planned, swim lessons for Ginger, stortytime at the library, dinner with friends, church - all the normal stuff that I luv. AND I am off my medication for this week starting tomorrow (my meds go from sat to sat). I do have treatment this week on Wed and a fill in Phx on Thurs - so no rest for the weary. I feel like if these expanders get any more in them they are just going to burst. They are really uncomfortable now - I've resorted to sleeping in the chair tonight as I couldn't get situated properly in bed. Me and a thousand pillows doesn't make for a great nights sleep for my husband. Plus, the girls and the dogs all migrate into our bed throughout the night, so by morning, I'm hanging onto the edge of the bed for dear life, so as to not disturb the dog wrapped around my feet under the covers or either child on either side of me, both needing to be touching me in some manner. I love my life.

God Bless and have a great weekend -