Is Your Cancer Gone Yet Mom?

Here we are, up too early for me on a Sat morning, the smell of eggs and bacon fill our home. I had just finished telling PJ that I mistakenly went for my meds this morning only to discover that this was my OFF week - yipee!!! Then, Madeline blurts that out. PJ's hand went over his mouth, yet I - without missing a beat - reply with "almost honey - almost". Not sure where that came from, but it sounds good to me. I'm sticking with it. I then get so mad that my kid even knows to ask me this question - she's 4! No 4 year old child in this day and age should be asking their mommies if their cancer is gone yet. It makes me so sad she knows to ask me this. Sure, I guess we could have kept this from them, but we chose differently. We chose to speak to our children through this process like individuals, and let them know exactly what was happening because let's face it - our lives took a complete 180 when this came down. I suppose I like how 'matter of fact' she is about it, and how matter of fact I came back to her on it. Madeline and I are connected so deeply - she gives me the words I'm searching for sometimes, she hands me things I'm looking for without me asking - she is amazing and I am so blessed to call her my daughter. I'm so blessed God chose me - silly me - to be her mommy. What an honor.

Anyway - I digress - what else is new. My week was filled with busy stuff, it was rainy and monsoony here which we love. I luv the rain, especially up here. It cools everything down, the frogs come out like gangbusters and all the slimy other things that rain brings - our grass is this beautiful lushy green - I just love this time of year. I'm feeling fine - glad it's my off week. A little tired, still taking the percocet at night, which helps, but I know I shouldn't make a habit of it. I'm finally reading Dodi Osteen's 'Healed of Cancer' and I have to say, it is speaking to me on so many levels. It's a tiny little 'pamphlet' type of book, but just wonderful. I'll give my full review upon finishing, but so far so good.

I think the most important thing I did this week was go to the onc with my mom. Her cancer has recurred (she has lung cancer) and I just needed to be near her through this second time around. I want so badly to fix this for her - to do it for her - to go through it for her - but obviously that is impossible. I understand now so much more clearly than I did when she was diagnosed the first time, just exactly what she is up against, what she may be feeling, what she may be thinking. I also need to be very careful, and let her experience be just that - HER experience. Her journey is not mine, and no matter how badly I want her to experience pieces of mine, it is ultimately her journey, her choices, her life. Wow. That's a tough one. She has her 'one on one' conversations with Jesus probably just like I do - and those moments are private, precious, perspective changing moments. I'm going to do my best to be with her at her treatments. My heart aches at the thought of her going to treatment alone. No one should have to do that. She doesn't have a 'PJ' to come home to and talk about this - but she does have me. Look at what God has given us, a connection between a mother and daughter that is indescribable. Tragic -but a gift. I can see the gift through this and I am so blessed to be her daughter, her fellow cancer survivor, her friend, through this journey.

Went to a memorial service today for a member of our church. He was a wonderful man who sat in front of us in church every Sunday morning, and was just a joy. I didn't know very much about him at all - but PJ and I were so taken with him each Sunday morning, when we heard he had passed we both felt compelled to go and pay our respects. The service was lovely and I learned so much about the kind of person he was - by reading the program, listening to his beautiful family speak about him, and his fellow pastors retell stories about him. I left feeling sad. Sad that I didn't get a chance to 'experience' these things about him before he passed. This made me think of all the people in this world I have felt connected to - even sometimes in just passing - that I let do exactly that - pass right by. I think we need to act on these feelings of connection, or we could be robbed of some really great experiences. That's what I'm going to try to be more aware of from now on. There is a reason we meet the people that we meet in this life - it's how we act on those encounters that could make a world of difference.

God Bless -