Not What I'd Hoped

Well, the CT scan has revealed the largest tumor which was shrinking and dying 2 months ago, growing again. And, unfortunately there is an AND, there appears to be additional tiny tumors appearing around it. So, back to the drawing board. We have decided to go back to the Xeloda, the pill form of chemotherapy but on a different dose. A daily dose of 2 each day - rather than the previous 8 pills a day for a week, then a week off blah blah blah. This is supposed to provide and consistent nonstop flow of chemo, without the horrible side effects I experienced before. I also have started the estrogen blocker, which I knew was coming. So there we have it. Here's the strange part - my liver function is completely normal, my tumor markers are low (not that that ever mattered), my bones are healed pretty much, it hasn't spread anywhere else and I feel great. I asked my doc if this was normal, and he looked at me and said 'Dina, nothing about you is normal'. I then told him that this was not the first time I had heard this comment. We laughed.

Here's the deal - am I disappointed? Yes. Did I logically think theresphere would do it? Yes. This shows me that there is no logic to this disease, or at least, to me having this disease. Everyone seems baffled. I'm lucky that I am so healthy everywhere else, my body is obviously fighting this with everything it has - this tumor is just stubborn. I am not going to go to the dark place, or have a pity party, or change any plans I have made for me - I will not let this disease rule my life like I have in the past. I need to be careful not to tread into the 'denial' part of this thinking, I need to remain proactive and assertive, but I will not let it dictate my mood, my life, my purpose on this earth. Maybe I'm just getting used to it, but this is where my head is tonight. So we have to get the paperwork in order to send to the pharmaceutical company to get me signed up for financial assistance for these pills again, and I already have the estrogen blocker to start taking tomorrow.

I was blessed enough to speak with my friend Pastor Mary tonight and we talked about this at length tonight. Here's the odd part: I feel fine. I feel great actually. My doc knows this, and looking at everything else about me, tells me that he is 'treating the scan'. Hmmmm. How curious. You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I feel healed. If he needs to treat the scan to match how I feel, then so be it. I trust the Lord, and in my opinion, I am already healed.

So, ironically I hear this new song on the drive back home tonight, and I need to share these lyrics - it is pretty frickin awesome - I totally put this on my ipod already


This Is The Stuff
Francesca Battistelli
from the album This is the Stuff - Single


I lost my keys
In the great unknown
And call me please
'Cause I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy.
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately.
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've got to trust You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I might choose
But this is the stuff you use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines
While I'm running behind

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I might choose but this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy.
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of little my mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I would choose but this is the stuff You use

This is the stuff You use

I'm off to figure out how He wants me to use this.
God Bless