MMmmmm - chemo pellets........

So here I sit, the night before my quadrasphere, and I just read my last post - and I have to say that yes, it hadn't sunk in quite yet when I wrote that. I am however, encouraged by my spontaneous, almost instant faith. It's when our human minds begin to wander that we tend to get anxious, depressed, fearful. Our hearts, or at least mine, knows instantly the direction I need to go. Our minds, another story. In any case, the last week or so has been difficult. It's almost like I regressed back to the dark place I was when I was first diagnosed. And I know my mind wanders, dramatically wanders. I remember the days of me being single in NYC and thinking I would take off a day or so to just sleep in, relax, just be lazy. Well, that was always a horrible idea for me. I would get extremely depressed if I just stayed in all day and did nothing. Like my mind would just create all these dramatic scenarios and I'd get all depressed for no reason. I realized I am the kind of person who needs to be out, productive, keeping my mind active and alert. So I know that it is not a 'cancer' thing, it's a 'Dina' thing. Whew.

I found myself wondering if I could have faith, yet be logical at the same time. Faith vs logic. Are they opposites or do they compliment one another? I don't think I've really made a decision on this yet, I go back and forth. I even posed this to my pastor, whom I went and visited with last week in an effort to thwart this mind trap I had found myself in. You know you've reached a certain plateau when the pastor stumbles over his words. Not because of anything I said, but I got the feeling my situation overwhelmed him. That point in a conversation where you just want to look at the person and go, ya know what, nevermind. It's ok - we don't need to talk about this, I can see this makes you uncomfortable. Ironic, eh? It was a fine meeting, I'm not complaining, it just gets frustrating to look to people for some sort of, I don't know, not answers, but comfort I guess? and just get the horrible feeling of just feeling bad because you kinda just ruined their day. I hate that feeling of making someone feel uncomfortable. It makes me want to just hug them and tell them everything is going to be ok. Isn't that funny.

So I think I'm going to need to write Oprah or Ellen, my state representative, the President - I don't know. I appealed the decision made by Aetna to move from #1 coverage position to #2 - I disenrolled in Medicare, received proof of that, showed it to Aetna and advised them in a brilliantly written letter which I will post here that I have been paying for my insurance since 2008 and I want it to stay that way, but alas, they have denied my appeal. I will appeal their denial, but my thoughts on doing that are a long shot. I know this. But effectively I don't have any primary insurance coverage at the end of this month. They said whether I take medicare or don't take medicare, the mere fact that I qualify for it gives them position to reduce my coverage. How the hell is that fair? So I am FORCED to take a government program I don't want, that I don't pay for? I am scared to death - that I will be forced to leave CTCA because remember, they don't accept Medicare - and I know in my heart of hearts, this facility, CTCA, can save my life. I'm paying for coverage they accept, but not able to use it because the insurance company I have been paying and continue to pay premiums to are now forcing me to take a government program. I don't know if I need to start raising money to pay for my CTCA treatment, or if I need to start raising money for an attorney to help me fight this bullshit - I have no idea. Funny that I'm supposed to be focused on fighting this disease and minimize stress - what a crock. Now I'm fighting insurance companies while I'm trying to get better. Needless to say I am praying and praying and praying on this. I can't even begin to imagine what tomorrow's procedure will cost.

So my nurse called me today and gave me the rundown of what to expect tomorrow. Nothing to eat after 8am. My procedure is at 2pm and I'll get to revisit all those precious pre-meds I had when I was having chemo because the beads are chemotherapy. So I'll get the steroid, the benadryl, the anti-nausea - those gems. I'm awake through it but get some fun drugs to not care that I'm awake. Lasts about an hour and a half, then I'm admitted to my room where I need to lay flat on my back for 2 hours. I remember that from last time. Drove me NUTSO. I'll be sure to ask for some happy pills so I can sleep through that part.

I've got my kids covered, but will miss them terribly. I know it's just a night, but I am used to being pinned in my own bed sandwiched by my girls, all arms and elbows all over me. The best way to wake up. I"m supposed to also do a breast cancer walk on Sat - but will speak w/ the doc about that. I know that I need to scale back. The amount of things on my calendar is a bit overwhelming. Back when I was doing the weekly chemo, I was real good about taking care of myself. I haven't been that diligent since then. Mostly cuz I've felt great, and partly because I really enjoy everything I volunteer to do. Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to prove something? Like there's nothing wrong with me? But the point is, I need to take care of myself. I need to scale back. So PJ and I are both looking at my schedule and we are going to see where I can pull back from everything I am involved in. Yikes. I just want to do my part, in conjunction with the awesome therapy I'm getting.

Well, I'm fading, and need to get some sleep so I can get up and eat before 8am. Please send good thoughts around 2pm tomorrow, k? Let's kick this tumors ass once and for all. And if anyone has any bright ideas about how to handle this frickin insurance insanity, please feel free to call me.

Pastor Mary called me right after the results had come in and relayed to me Psalm 91 - the Psalm she read to me during one of my first prayer circles, in fact, this Psalm was the one she read that made me go out and purchase the NLT version of the Bible, the one I carry with me now. This Psalm 91 is by far, the most beautiful and comforting passages of the entire Bible. The whole thing is awesome, but I'll share the ending to tempt you:

Psalm 91:14-16 - The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me, I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation."

God Bless -

Dina

MY LETTER TO AETNA10/13/2011

Aetna Expedited Appeals
FAX -1-860-754-0068 – 2 pages total

RE: Dina L. Mountcastle
Aetna Advantage Plans


Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you to appeal your decision regarding the handling of my recent claims. Please note I am a Stage IV breast cancer patient, currently receiving treatment at Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Goodyear, AZ. I was originally diagnosed in 2009 and was receiving treatment at AZ Oncology in Sedona, AZ. When my cancer returned in March of 2010, I sought treatment elsewhere, as I had exhausted my options for quality care within the rural confines of my living area. I now travel over 100 miles each way to seek the quality care of treatment from Cancer Treatment Centers of America, and have continued to pay my monthly premiums for Aetna coverage on time, and in full.

I do receive disability, as I have been undergoing chemotherapy treatment for my metastatic breast cancer while raising my 2 young girls, ages 6 and 3. I was unaware that I would automatically become eligible for Medicare coverage upon 2 years of me receiving this disability. That is due to my own naivety, but feel compelled to mention nonetheless. This was brought to my attention by my primary care physician located in my rural residence area through a letter saying they would no longer be treating me as I was now enrolled in Medicare, a program they do not accept. I contacted Aetna Customer Service and was informed that Aetna has moved into the #2 coverage position (or supplemental) and that Medicare was now in the #1 coverage position.

I do not wish to receive Medicare coverage. I have dis-enrolled formally in this program and have attached proof of this for your records. I can afford, and have the right to choose, to have my insurance coverage remain with Aetna, through the plan in which I have paid premiums into since 2007. The only way I can continue to receive the quality care I have been receiving, and deserve to receive, is through my Aetna health insurance plan.

I respectfully request Aetna return as my primary insurance carrier effective immediately so I may continue my treatment plan, allowing my life to continue in accordance to the specific guidance of the team of medical professionals assigned to me at Cancer Treatment Centers of America.

I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you promptly.

Sincerely,


Dina L. Mountcastle
dinakay@hotmail.com
928-277-3001 cell