Enough already.............................................................

So - I've been trying really hard to get to bed earlier, which is why I haven't posted in awhile - so I have a bit of catching up to do.

Seems my first dose of the new treatment has done quite a number on me. I went in for my next treatment last week only to be refused because my white blood cell count went from 10,000 to 2,000. Not good. And apparently they couldn't' give me the Nulasta shot, wait a day, then give me my chemo. I asked. My Dr said I was one of the few patients of his who was trying to bargain with him for chemo. I was so upset. I've never, ever, had a problem with my labs - my counts have always been good - so this was shocking to me. So we were sent away, and I was to have my labs done up here on Wed (yesterday) then they would be faxed to CTCA and I'd know if I could have treatment this week - like, tomorrow. Can you frickin believe they are worse now? I was instructed to stay away from crowds, to not eat any fresh fruit or vegetables, and was put on an antibiotic just to be safe. What the chicken is going on???????? Now, when I didn't get the treatment the first time I asked if I was losing ground here on killing this cancer - that me having to wait on treatment was giving a 'leg up' on the cancer. My Dr told me no, that this just meant that the drug was still working in my system. Hmmmm. Didn't know that. Now this time, today being refused treatment yet again, I think I get it a little more. And here's why - I'm showering this evening, and guess what?? My hair is coming out in hand fulls. Can you frickin believe this? It was like I was thrown back to when this all started. I can't believe this. Am I really going to lose my hair again? Really? I guess this means the drug is certainly still working in my system - I mean if it's doing this to my immune system, now the hair, after 1 dose, I would most certainly, prayerfully assume that it's killing the cancer. It didn't bother me in the shower - but when I called PJ in to tell him, I just broke down. I find such comfort in being held by my husband. I didn't realize it, but I haven't allowed myself to be needy of him in this way much through this journey. I was too busy trying to protect him from worrying about me. Once again, God is connecting us deeper. Anyway, just pissed about my hair because I just really like being the one to choose who knows I'm sick and who doesn't. When you're bald - it's kinda obvious. Sucks.

I just need to focus more. I need to focus more on healing, on resting, on taking care of me I guess. I feel like I am, but I guess I'm not. I mean, I'm doing what every mom is doing by taking care of her children, and her husband. I realize not all moms have their mom down the street who is also going through chemo who needs tending to, their special needs niece living with them needing tending to in addition to her own 2 kids and hubby. I know that I listen to my body more now than I have before - I rest when I need to - I don't feel like I'm out there trying to be super mom or anything, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It apparently isn't enough. It's scary to hear you don't have what you need to fight off infection or illness. If I'm not careful, I think I have the power to talk myself into being sick, ya know?

Jennifer and I spoke today and we discussed that when I initially started chemo way long ago we were so focused. I was focused on my treatment and getting better - 110%. Now it's more like treatment is something I do because it's on my schedule. I get that - I also get how easy it has been to just try to have a life - my life - while dealing with this disease. It just got a little more serious this time, and maybe I've not taken the serious mindset along with the serious situation of my cancer progressing. Maybe that's it. Gotta get my brain back in the game. Well, there's nothing like a frickin bald head staring at you in the mirror to remind you of how serious this is.

So I'm quarantined here at the house for the weekend starting tomorrow. Can't even go to church on Sunday. The care manager told me today that when Dr. Nixon read my blood test results he was baffled. I'm really, really tired of baffling people - what gives? Why won't my body respond like everyone else's? Why? I'm whining in this post aren't I? Sorry. I just feel like I keep getting beat down - I pick myself up and I get pounded again and again.

Then - I look at my kids faces. Then - I look at my husbands face. And I'm driven, yes. I'm also scared to death. Am I giving myself too much credit to think they can't survive without me? The mom is the driving force of the family - at least I am for mine - what happens when mom goes down? So scary - so scary. I mean, luckily my 'auto pilot' is to fight - just point me in the fighting direction and I go - but I'm much more effective at it if I am intentional about the fight - if that even makes sense. Right now, I feel like I'm on auto pilot. I gotta get intentional.

When I told Madeline I was back on chemo she said 'oh man! are you going to lose your hair again mom?' and I told her I didn't know - I hate that this is what my kids have to watch. That this evening I had to explain to her what cancer cells do inside my body, and that the chemo is what kills the cancer cells. She's a hell of a lot smarter this time around - her questions are going to get tougher to answer. But I will always be honest with my kids - no lies, no real elaboration either - short and to the point.

Well, my pain meds for my shoulder are taking effect so I best be getting off to bed. Ya know, it's funny. My days I get to spend with Ginger while Madeline is in school are so awesome lately. She is really a great hang. Funny though, she constantly catches me talking out loud - and she will ask me 'mom - who are you talking to?' and I say 'Jesus hun'. I do - I talk to Him numerous times throughout the day - I just need to be more intentional in listening to Him. I certainly have the talking part down, need to put my listening ears on.

God Bless