So how was everyone's weekend? It just kept getting better and better here at the Mountcastle abode. I was so excited to have some adult conversation Fri night as my father and his lovely wife asked us to dinner at our local Mexican joint. Little did I know what I was in for. I pack the girls into the car after a yummy cheese filled dinner, decide the girls were so good, we'll go get some ice cream and bring it home. We get half way into town and Ginger, once again, vomits all over. I mean, all over. Then projectile onto the front seat - I kid you not. Needless to say, I promptly turn around and am playing through my head how I can possibly clean all this up by myself. I figure she gagged herself, as she has done may times before, and that's what this is. Boy was I wrong. Ginger had the flu - and she continued to throw up all night to the point of dry heaving until 4 the next morning. So incredibly sad for this little 2 year old, who has no idea what is happening. I covered my bed with blankets and towels and we just laid there sleeping and heaving in 30 minute intervals. This, my friend, is parenthood. At it's rawest. She slowly got better as the weekend played out - and thankfully, my dear friend Sarah delivered pedialyte to me Sat morning since I was trapped in my house all weekend (plus dinner what a Godsend she is) but once I got over the initial panic - which actually set in Sat morning when she begged me for milk, which I gave to her (BIG mistake) and she threw that up all over me an hour later. I was on my hands and knees cleaning this up now and I just looked up and let out this guttural howl of sorts. Strange, yes, but extremely freeing. As if to say ' GOD! ENOUGH ALREADY! OY VEY!'. He must have heard me, she didn't throw up again till Sat night and that was just a little. Once I did this though, this guttural thing, this calmness came over me in a way that I have a hard time explaining. I'm not a 'go with the flow' kind of person usually - I prefer the structure and schedule of a day. Suddenly, it just was about me being a mom and screw the rest of the world. It was pretty cool. Sat afternoon the three of us all took a 2 hour nap on my bed - all of us, together. It was so peaceful and awesome. I don't think I've ever done that with them before. What a gift. As screwed up as this sounds, if I had to go through the stomach flu with Ginger to get that nap experience with them, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Ginger, however, may feel differently. I'll ask her when she's able to actually tell me. Needless to say she is doing much better and is on the mend. PJ thankfully returned home safely Sunday night, conveniently to a vomit free home, and all is now right with the world.
I didn't have one moment this weekend where I had a chance to think about my breast cancer - and ya know what - it was really nice. Well, I thought about it when I took my pills as I started my new cycle on Sat morning, but for the most part, it was all pretty 'routine' feeling and not 'cancer' feeling. Like, This Is What I Do, kind of thing if that makes sense.
I printed out this collage of pictures of me when I was thinner and taped it on my vanity so I can look at it each morning for motivation to lose this weight. I look at these pictures of me, and I feel so many things. I feel motivation yes, but also anger that I don't look like that anymore, that I lost my long hair, I miss the innocence, or maybe it was ignorance, of what I was about to encounter - but then, when I really look at my eyes in these pictures, I remember the things that used to fill my brain. With the exception of Madeline, everything else now seems so trivial. So silly. I know, I didn't know any better, and those things WERE really important to me at that time. Things like money, stature, power, hair style, clothing, handbags. Seriously. Did it really take cancer to pull me out of that and realize what life is really all about? Did it really? I look at my eyes in these pictures and they aren't nearly filled with the life I see in them now. What a shame. But a blessing. It just sucks we have to fall so hard to learn how to rise up again. I don't know how people deal with heavy shit like this without God. I really don't.
I finished my Steven Ministry class tonight, so, I'm unofficially official. I will be commissioned at our church service on June 6th - but for the most part, I'm done. It was so sad to bring our class to a close tonight, but exciting as well. It's pretty empowering to be equipped with all that I've learned to go out and be the walking, talking (well, listening really) Jesus on earth. How exciting to be able to walk with someone through their journey, whatever that may be. What a privilege.
Well, it's another late night for me and I have to go take my evening chemo pills.
Bottoms Up and God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
How Do Single Mothers Do This?
I have to say, I'm on day 4 of PJ being gone for the week and it's frickin tiring! I thought I was tired before. I mean, I don't know really if I'm tired because I'm 40 (yuk, hate seeing THAT in print), because I'm chasing a 2 and 4 year old around all day, because I have cancer - not really sure - just know by the end of the day (which is like, 9pm for me), I just want to sit on the couch and watch Glee. That's all. And take a shower. Alone.
Anyhoo - the appt on Monday went well for Ginger. He basically said she was fine but has ordered an EEG to be sure it doesn't show anything funky. I'm going to call them tomorrow to see about scheduling this since I haven't heard anything yet. He also validated me being there in front of him, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I was overreacting, but we tend to second guess ourselves as mommies sometimes don't we? Well, I do - all the time. The validation was a nice touch - not necessary and I knew that. He was wicked cool.
I had my calcium treatment yesterday and that went fine. We went ahead and booked my next PET/CT which will be on June 16. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm finding I'm very comfortable in the 'in between' stages right now. I like when I get into a routine and don't much care for that routine to be messed with. I like that I am on this medication (although I prefer my weeks OFF the meds to the ON weeks) and it has been approved for a year and just want to get some more cycles under my belt before we test again. Plus, the guy who read my CT compared it to one that was done last year, not the most recent PET which I found frustrating. Anyway - I just want to not know a little longer. Because that actually gives me more time to not worry or think about it. But my onc was right, more information is better. I know this. Deep in my soul I know this, I just am kinda liking living my life, ya know? I feel like I'm living PET to PET. Sucks. And ya know what? That anger? That doesn't go away. I still have my moments of being wickedly pissed off that I have to be doing this at all. To see other moms and watch them go about their normal business - I have to admit, I get very jealous sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Then I get pissed. Then sometimes I cry. Then I realize how much this disease has given me. Then I apologize. Then I return to the fight. Blah Blah Blah. These tests upcoming seems to trigger this vicious circle to happen more frequently. Very frustrating.
I told my onc that I was taking percocet pretty much every night to sleep and she said maybe we could find something else that would be a better choice. That may have been aiding to me being so tired throughout the day as well. I think I developed a little addiction there to be honest. We've corrected that, so that is good. Weird. Has to be part of that 'shut my brain off' kind of mentality.
I also have been felling the need to write here more often. This blog has facilitated me emotionally in so many ways, and I can feel myself internalizing things again and I need to let them out, so I am going to have to start posting again on a regular basis. I didn't realize how helpful it was to me to express myself through this blog - I've found not doing it is really making me turn inwards, something that is not healthy for me. So starting Sunday evening, I'll be back on track again.
Went and got filled again today in Phx - we're up to 550 cc's now, and I am looking pretty PERKY if I don't say so myself. Seems the limit of 650 was just a myth - Veronica says we can go to 800 if we want to. Wha? I think we'll go to 650 and see where we are. It's so hard to tell how big I am because they are like, well, super hard. I think I've said it before, but engorged? That's how they feel - well, I can't 'feel' them at all - I mean, I have no sensation at all - its hard to explain. I should take another pic. Maybe I'll take a vote when we get to 650 and see what everyone thinks about going further, eh? I can't tell how big they are - I'm just so glad to have boobs again. And I'm loving this 'not wearing a bra' thing. I think I've earned at least that. So, Thursdays are my fill days. I walk in to the exam room w/ Veronica, we start talking about our kids and camping and church and all sorts of stuff, while I'm taking off my shirt, laying down on the table and she is inserting this needle and pushing the saline into my expander. It's surreal. We never stop talking through this whole process - so funny.
Well - have a great weekend all. My hubby gets back on Sunday night (thank GOD) so send good thoughts his way for a safe return.
I've attached a couple more pics from our camping trip that I thought were pretty cute, compliments of my friend Judy.
God Bless -
Anyhoo - the appt on Monday went well for Ginger. He basically said she was fine but has ordered an EEG to be sure it doesn't show anything funky. I'm going to call them tomorrow to see about scheduling this since I haven't heard anything yet. He also validated me being there in front of him, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I was overreacting, but we tend to second guess ourselves as mommies sometimes don't we? Well, I do - all the time. The validation was a nice touch - not necessary and I knew that. He was wicked cool.
I had my calcium treatment yesterday and that went fine. We went ahead and booked my next PET/CT which will be on June 16. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm finding I'm very comfortable in the 'in between' stages right now. I like when I get into a routine and don't much care for that routine to be messed with. I like that I am on this medication (although I prefer my weeks OFF the meds to the ON weeks) and it has been approved for a year and just want to get some more cycles under my belt before we test again. Plus, the guy who read my CT compared it to one that was done last year, not the most recent PET which I found frustrating. Anyway - I just want to not know a little longer. Because that actually gives me more time to not worry or think about it. But my onc was right, more information is better. I know this. Deep in my soul I know this, I just am kinda liking living my life, ya know? I feel like I'm living PET to PET. Sucks. And ya know what? That anger? That doesn't go away. I still have my moments of being wickedly pissed off that I have to be doing this at all. To see other moms and watch them go about their normal business - I have to admit, I get very jealous sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Then I get pissed. Then sometimes I cry. Then I realize how much this disease has given me. Then I apologize. Then I return to the fight. Blah Blah Blah. These tests upcoming seems to trigger this vicious circle to happen more frequently. Very frustrating.
I told my onc that I was taking percocet pretty much every night to sleep and she said maybe we could find something else that would be a better choice. That may have been aiding to me being so tired throughout the day as well. I think I developed a little addiction there to be honest. We've corrected that, so that is good. Weird. Has to be part of that 'shut my brain off' kind of mentality.
I also have been felling the need to write here more often. This blog has facilitated me emotionally in so many ways, and I can feel myself internalizing things again and I need to let them out, so I am going to have to start posting again on a regular basis. I didn't realize how helpful it was to me to express myself through this blog - I've found not doing it is really making me turn inwards, something that is not healthy for me. So starting Sunday evening, I'll be back on track again.
Went and got filled again today in Phx - we're up to 550 cc's now, and I am looking pretty PERKY if I don't say so myself. Seems the limit of 650 was just a myth - Veronica says we can go to 800 if we want to. Wha? I think we'll go to 650 and see where we are. It's so hard to tell how big I am because they are like, well, super hard. I think I've said it before, but engorged? That's how they feel - well, I can't 'feel' them at all - I mean, I have no sensation at all - its hard to explain. I should take another pic. Maybe I'll take a vote when we get to 650 and see what everyone thinks about going further, eh? I can't tell how big they are - I'm just so glad to have boobs again. And I'm loving this 'not wearing a bra' thing. I think I've earned at least that. So, Thursdays are my fill days. I walk in to the exam room w/ Veronica, we start talking about our kids and camping and church and all sorts of stuff, while I'm taking off my shirt, laying down on the table and she is inserting this needle and pushing the saline into my expander. It's surreal. We never stop talking through this whole process - so funny.
Well - have a great weekend all. My hubby gets back on Sunday night (thank GOD) so send good thoughts his way for a safe return.
I've attached a couple more pics from our camping trip that I thought were pretty cute, compliments of my friend Judy.
God Bless -
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Mountcastle's Go Camping!!!!
Well, we did it. We went camping for the first time ever, and even though I caved in the end and got us a tiny cabin, we still did it. And had a blast. I kinda feel like I need a vacation from my vacation kind of thing, but overall - to watch my kids in this environment was frickin amazing. Madeline caught her very first fish and it was soooooo cool. Ginger sat in the muddy part of the river and just threw rocks into it for, gee, must have been an hour, while me and my friend Judy (she came with her kids and a friend of ours child as well)sat and chatted in the sun. It was so much fun. Granted, my 'Monica-ness' was still in full force, but I've certainly come a long way. (by Monica-ness I am refering to my complusive organizing and cleaning) Just knowing we were going to be taking showers and cleaning up at the end of the day brought a peace to my heart. (cue eyeroll from my husband). Speaking of showers - we didn't have a shower in our cabin (see what strides I'm making!) so we had to go to the communal bathroom where there are these shower rooms. The Mountcastle's even showered as a family. I am such a dork, but it was so much fun. So if anyone is looking for the perfect camping area for families with younger children, LoLo Mai Springs in AWESOME!! And perfectly priced too I might add.
So the day we went fishing we came back to camp around, 12:30 and Ginger was literally passed out. So I got her sug as a bug in the cabin for a nap and PJ took Madeline to the pool for a swim. I sat there and suddenly remembered a minister I took in on TV while I was in Santa Fe. (I couldn't get to church that morning so I caught this guy on television, local minister who was pretty good actually). He said 'if you don't read anything in the Bible, read Romans 12 and I Peter 3 - you can live you life by this'. Well, I wrote it down in the front of my Bible, but I had never had the opportunity to actually read it. So, Wha La! Suddenly - here I am in this cabin with this preciously sleeping child, no TV, no computer, no phone service - I read my Bible. (is this seriously what it takes?) I have to say he was right. Have you read these passages? Amazing, truly amazing. I highly recommend it.
Here's the part that spoke to me, and the reason I believe why it was now that I had the time to read it. I had a situation go down this week with my father that, without going into it, caused me to suddenly feel like I was 16 years old asking to borrow the keys to the car or something. Have you ever felt like that? Why does that happen with our parents? I'm 40 years old, yet, in an instant I'm thrust back into adolescence. In any case, encased in my anger and sarcasm (which I'm pretty good at by the way) was just plain hurt. Once I got to the hurt part, and let it out and prayed about it, the anger seemed to slip away. However, there's still that sneaky little voice inside you that wants to just have the last word, the last sarcastic comment - thinking this will be received in the manner you are delivering it - which it never is. This scenario was simply just another testiment to as much as my father and I are alike, we are also very different. This passage I read in the Bible showed me how I need to handle these situations in my heart. Be gracious, not evil. Be loving, pray for people, help people. It's siutations like this that make us turn inwards and strike out - become bitter people. That's the easy way out of things, right? I could have easily have chosen to be bitter and hateful about my diagnosis - but I didn't. It would be easier, trust me - but what's right is often not easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it. Loving those who hurt you, praying for those who have hurt you - that is the hardest. But you know what, it works. It makes all the negativity dissipate. Gone. Just like that. Hmmmmmm. Again, I highly recommend the passages. Give them a looksy. They have caused me to start reading the Bible - from the beginning. Literally. ;-)
The only drawback to this weekend is my physical limitations which I'm really trying to talk myself out of. I'm getting used to the expanders, but that doesn't make them any more comfortable. It's difficult to get around at times, and that is frustrating. I also made myself a little motivational collage of 'dina's skinny photos' and taped it to my mirror in my bathroom to get me motivated to drop these extra 30 pounds I'm continuing to lug around on my ass. Just can't shake it - well, not in the way I want to shake it, if you catch my drift.
This is my off week of pills which is good because PJ is gone for the week in NY again. I really hate it when he's gone. I miss him. I love him more than I could ever have possibly imagined ever loving anyone. As hokey as soul mate sounds, he is mine. Anyway, I need to have all my energy for this week. Taking Ginger to Phx Childrens Hospital tomorrow to see about these seizures, so please send good thoughts her way. I am praying that someone in the profession of looking at these types of things will just tell me she's fine. I pray for strength, peace, and the ability to mother my child in the best way posible. To tell you the truth, I'm nervous. If I could barter, I'd say give it to me - give whatever this is to me and let me handle it, and make my baby OK. I'm sure that's normal. She and I bunked together this weekend, which I see now was not by mistake. She is such an angel. I woke up one time during the night with her little hand on my chest. She needed to always have a part of her touching a part of me as we slept. Connection. Awesome.
I'm going to go take a shower now and wash this campsite off me. I was a bit long winded this evening, for that I apologize. This cancer shit sure makes your mind wander.
God Bless -
(some pics from this weekend - more to come!!)
So the day we went fishing we came back to camp around, 12:30 and Ginger was literally passed out. So I got her sug as a bug in the cabin for a nap and PJ took Madeline to the pool for a swim. I sat there and suddenly remembered a minister I took in on TV while I was in Santa Fe. (I couldn't get to church that morning so I caught this guy on television, local minister who was pretty good actually). He said 'if you don't read anything in the Bible, read Romans 12 and I Peter 3 - you can live you life by this'. Well, I wrote it down in the front of my Bible, but I had never had the opportunity to actually read it. So, Wha La! Suddenly - here I am in this cabin with this preciously sleeping child, no TV, no computer, no phone service - I read my Bible. (is this seriously what it takes?) I have to say he was right. Have you read these passages? Amazing, truly amazing. I highly recommend it.
Here's the part that spoke to me, and the reason I believe why it was now that I had the time to read it. I had a situation go down this week with my father that, without going into it, caused me to suddenly feel like I was 16 years old asking to borrow the keys to the car or something. Have you ever felt like that? Why does that happen with our parents? I'm 40 years old, yet, in an instant I'm thrust back into adolescence. In any case, encased in my anger and sarcasm (which I'm pretty good at by the way) was just plain hurt. Once I got to the hurt part, and let it out and prayed about it, the anger seemed to slip away. However, there's still that sneaky little voice inside you that wants to just have the last word, the last sarcastic comment - thinking this will be received in the manner you are delivering it - which it never is. This scenario was simply just another testiment to as much as my father and I are alike, we are also very different. This passage I read in the Bible showed me how I need to handle these situations in my heart. Be gracious, not evil. Be loving, pray for people, help people. It's siutations like this that make us turn inwards and strike out - become bitter people. That's the easy way out of things, right? I could have easily have chosen to be bitter and hateful about my diagnosis - but I didn't. It would be easier, trust me - but what's right is often not easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it. Loving those who hurt you, praying for those who have hurt you - that is the hardest. But you know what, it works. It makes all the negativity dissipate. Gone. Just like that. Hmmmmmm. Again, I highly recommend the passages. Give them a looksy. They have caused me to start reading the Bible - from the beginning. Literally. ;-)
The only drawback to this weekend is my physical limitations which I'm really trying to talk myself out of. I'm getting used to the expanders, but that doesn't make them any more comfortable. It's difficult to get around at times, and that is frustrating. I also made myself a little motivational collage of 'dina's skinny photos' and taped it to my mirror in my bathroom to get me motivated to drop these extra 30 pounds I'm continuing to lug around on my ass. Just can't shake it - well, not in the way I want to shake it, if you catch my drift.
This is my off week of pills which is good because PJ is gone for the week in NY again. I really hate it when he's gone. I miss him. I love him more than I could ever have possibly imagined ever loving anyone. As hokey as soul mate sounds, he is mine. Anyway, I need to have all my energy for this week. Taking Ginger to Phx Childrens Hospital tomorrow to see about these seizures, so please send good thoughts her way. I am praying that someone in the profession of looking at these types of things will just tell me she's fine. I pray for strength, peace, and the ability to mother my child in the best way posible. To tell you the truth, I'm nervous. If I could barter, I'd say give it to me - give whatever this is to me and let me handle it, and make my baby OK. I'm sure that's normal. She and I bunked together this weekend, which I see now was not by mistake. She is such an angel. I woke up one time during the night with her little hand on my chest. She needed to always have a part of her touching a part of me as we slept. Connection. Awesome.
I'm going to go take a shower now and wash this campsite off me. I was a bit long winded this evening, for that I apologize. This cancer shit sure makes your mind wander.
God Bless -
(some pics from this weekend - more to come!!)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mothers Day!
First of all - Happy Mothers Day to everyone! Real moms, the ones that play one on TV, and those who mother others - which, is all of us in my book. What an awesome day I had today. Went to church with no vomiting along the way (thank you God), afterwards we went and had boysenberry pancakes at the same place we went for Mothers Day last year, Blondies - this very sweet po-dunk kinda place in Humbolt that we luuuuuv, came home and the girls and I planted some baby roses in our flowerbed out front that my hubby got me for mothers day, dug for worms and found a ton (ew) - then, here's the best part, I got to take a nap with Madeline while watching Scooby Doo. It was awesome. It's funny, all I really need is the simple things - I am reminded of this more and more each day. Yesterday, I cleaned the house while PJ worked on the backyard then we watched the girls run through the sprinklers. It was like, the best day ever. So simple, so normal, so - us. I don't care where we are or what we have as long as we're all together, that's all that matters. I know how corny that sounds, but I'm not kidding when I say this is how I feel in the deepest place in my heart. I love my family so much - I am so blessed to be this wife and mother - how in the world did I get so lucky?
So need to backtrack for a moment cuz this is a totally awesome God moment - I pull into the driveway from picking up Madeline at school on Friday and see there is a package at our doorstep. I quickly rack my brain trying to figure out what I possibly could have forgotten I ordered (which happens more and more lately) so I send Madeline out to get it since we always enter through the side garage door. PJ meets me out front and Madeline gives me the package and long story short - its my meds!!!! Can you believe this? I filled out the paperwork on Monday, had to sign something else that was required on Tues, didn't get it back to Super Max till Wed - and the medication sits at my doorstep on Friday. 300+ pills too is sitting at my doorstep (you'd think since they charge so much they'd at least make someone sign for it right? not leave it at the door like some sort of ebay item). So I have 6 weeks of pills - I still can't believe it. I of course called Max to tell him how amazing he is. I started back up on Sat and all is going well. I do get frustrated because I keep forgetting to take the nighttime ones - the morning I've got down pat - but I have to take the nausea pill an hour before the chemo pills, so it's just hard to remember. Like tonight, I remembered at 10:30 - so here I sit. ;-)
Pastor George's sermon this morning was outstanding. I want so badly to summarize this here, but feel I would do it a complete injustice if I did. So please go to the website for Prescott United Methodist Church in a couple days and listen to his sermon. It's entitled "Our Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done". Leave it to Pastor George to make me cry in church again today - a good cry though - very good.
I forgot to mention I had another fill this week too - on Thurs. It was fine. I can't believe I only have 4 more left. I know I've mentioned this before, but I am so glad I went forward with this reconstruction. I really was doubting it after having 3 months to heal from the infection - and I was really thinking 'why put yourself through this again!'. But, as I get dressed now and have my cleavage back, I am so happy. I'm happy to not have to think about it - cuz when there was nothing there, I thought about it all the time. And I'm really getting used to the expanders. They are very hard feeling which is strange, but I'm sleeping real good and although I need to build my strength back up in my arms, I'm able to lift things and just feel so great about this. This was soooo the right decision. PJ is a bit nervous around them, I think he's afraid he's going to hurt me which totally makes sense - funny thing is, when he does go to touch them, I immediately blurt out "I can't feel that!" Total mood killer. We both have some adapting to still work through. If I'm doing my math right, I'll have my surgery the first part of July, then I'm pretty much done with that part. So happy to look forward to that. Also, from what Veronica says - others who have had this done say that as soon as the expanders come out and the implants are in they feel 100% better. Considering I don't feel that horrible right now, this is a really good thing. OH - and did I mention the no need to wear a bra thing? Feels really strange but awesomely cool at the same time. My girls are standing at attention 24/7 - what will that look like when I'm like, 60?
Madeline must have told me Happy Mothers Day like a thousand times today. She already tells me she loves me a ton every day, which I soak up like the sun, but she reminds me in these moments to just be present. I laid there this afternoon and counted the sprinkling of freckles on her cheeks as she napped with me, and thank God that I got picked to be her mommy. Yesterday Ginger led me to the couch to sit down so she could climb on my lap, put my arms around her and watch a movie. Sometimes I feel like I just can't love them enough - I have such a strong love for my girls, it overpowers me. Leaves me speechless, out of breath and near tears. I remember feeling this kind of overpowering love when PJ and I first discovered we were in love. I remember hugging him and telling him 'I just can't get close enough'. It's love. It's God powered love. It's amazing. How blessed I am to know this feeling. Many don't get the opportunity, which I can't even wrap my brain around.
So my Steven Ministry lesson this week was How to Care for the Dying. I've been able to handle all of this training pretty well up to this point, but this chapter was pretty difficult for me. I couldn't help but insert myself into these scenarios. I know I'm not dying right now, I'm in fight mode - but every sample story seemed to be about 'so and so losing their cancer battle'. ARG! I guess I need to keep reminding myself that this class isn't about ME - it's about me caring for SOMEONE ELSE. But, I also need to make sure I address some of these uncomfortable feelings - I can't just push them down deeper and not deal with them. They're real fears - I gotta face them. So hard.
Well, my awesome classmate did email me the devotional from class last week, and I'm eager to share this here. Considering this chapter in my studying and how I am feeling, this once again couldn't be more appropriate. Guess I didn't get to share it till now for a reason. I hope you all had a great weekend and a wonderful Mothers Day - how blessed we mommies are, right?
What God Hath Promised
God hath not promised skies always blue
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way.
Graces for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
Here's a pic from our place this evening. We had a pirate theme going as we were arranging Madeline's outfit for her 'pirate party' at school tomorrow. Needless to say she took quite well to the eye patch. What a ham. I don't know where she gets THAT from!
God Bless -
So need to backtrack for a moment cuz this is a totally awesome God moment - I pull into the driveway from picking up Madeline at school on Friday and see there is a package at our doorstep. I quickly rack my brain trying to figure out what I possibly could have forgotten I ordered (which happens more and more lately) so I send Madeline out to get it since we always enter through the side garage door. PJ meets me out front and Madeline gives me the package and long story short - its my meds!!!! Can you believe this? I filled out the paperwork on Monday, had to sign something else that was required on Tues, didn't get it back to Super Max till Wed - and the medication sits at my doorstep on Friday. 300+ pills too is sitting at my doorstep (you'd think since they charge so much they'd at least make someone sign for it right? not leave it at the door like some sort of ebay item). So I have 6 weeks of pills - I still can't believe it. I of course called Max to tell him how amazing he is. I started back up on Sat and all is going well. I do get frustrated because I keep forgetting to take the nighttime ones - the morning I've got down pat - but I have to take the nausea pill an hour before the chemo pills, so it's just hard to remember. Like tonight, I remembered at 10:30 - so here I sit. ;-)
Pastor George's sermon this morning was outstanding. I want so badly to summarize this here, but feel I would do it a complete injustice if I did. So please go to the website for Prescott United Methodist Church in a couple days and listen to his sermon. It's entitled "Our Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done". Leave it to Pastor George to make me cry in church again today - a good cry though - very good.
I forgot to mention I had another fill this week too - on Thurs. It was fine. I can't believe I only have 4 more left. I know I've mentioned this before, but I am so glad I went forward with this reconstruction. I really was doubting it after having 3 months to heal from the infection - and I was really thinking 'why put yourself through this again!'. But, as I get dressed now and have my cleavage back, I am so happy. I'm happy to not have to think about it - cuz when there was nothing there, I thought about it all the time. And I'm really getting used to the expanders. They are very hard feeling which is strange, but I'm sleeping real good and although I need to build my strength back up in my arms, I'm able to lift things and just feel so great about this. This was soooo the right decision. PJ is a bit nervous around them, I think he's afraid he's going to hurt me which totally makes sense - funny thing is, when he does go to touch them, I immediately blurt out "I can't feel that!" Total mood killer. We both have some adapting to still work through. If I'm doing my math right, I'll have my surgery the first part of July, then I'm pretty much done with that part. So happy to look forward to that. Also, from what Veronica says - others who have had this done say that as soon as the expanders come out and the implants are in they feel 100% better. Considering I don't feel that horrible right now, this is a really good thing. OH - and did I mention the no need to wear a bra thing? Feels really strange but awesomely cool at the same time. My girls are standing at attention 24/7 - what will that look like when I'm like, 60?
Madeline must have told me Happy Mothers Day like a thousand times today. She already tells me she loves me a ton every day, which I soak up like the sun, but she reminds me in these moments to just be present. I laid there this afternoon and counted the sprinkling of freckles on her cheeks as she napped with me, and thank God that I got picked to be her mommy. Yesterday Ginger led me to the couch to sit down so she could climb on my lap, put my arms around her and watch a movie. Sometimes I feel like I just can't love them enough - I have such a strong love for my girls, it overpowers me. Leaves me speechless, out of breath and near tears. I remember feeling this kind of overpowering love when PJ and I first discovered we were in love. I remember hugging him and telling him 'I just can't get close enough'. It's love. It's God powered love. It's amazing. How blessed I am to know this feeling. Many don't get the opportunity, which I can't even wrap my brain around.
So my Steven Ministry lesson this week was How to Care for the Dying. I've been able to handle all of this training pretty well up to this point, but this chapter was pretty difficult for me. I couldn't help but insert myself into these scenarios. I know I'm not dying right now, I'm in fight mode - but every sample story seemed to be about 'so and so losing their cancer battle'. ARG! I guess I need to keep reminding myself that this class isn't about ME - it's about me caring for SOMEONE ELSE. But, I also need to make sure I address some of these uncomfortable feelings - I can't just push them down deeper and not deal with them. They're real fears - I gotta face them. So hard.
Well, my awesome classmate did email me the devotional from class last week, and I'm eager to share this here. Considering this chapter in my studying and how I am feeling, this once again couldn't be more appropriate. Guess I didn't get to share it till now for a reason. I hope you all had a great weekend and a wonderful Mothers Day - how blessed we mommies are, right?
What God Hath Promised
God hath not promised skies always blue
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way.
Graces for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
Here's a pic from our place this evening. We had a pirate theme going as we were arranging Madeline's outfit for her 'pirate party' at school tomorrow. Needless to say she took quite well to the eye patch. What a ham. I don't know where she gets THAT from!
God Bless -
Monday, May 3, 2010
Status Quo - I'll Take It!!!
There is nothing like the feeling of waking up and not knowing what you are supposed to do for the day. Luckily, I didn't have to call my onc office - they called me at 2 minutes after 8 and were able to schedule my CT scan for 10:30am. So, I quickly call Nancy who I have determined is a true God Send to me and my family who magically appears to watch Ginger for me while I run Madeline to school then jet out to Sedona for this scan. I decided at the last minute to take 89A out in lieu of backtracking, which was good because it certainly kept my attention. I love Jerome.
In any case, the news is the lesion on my liver is not really doing anything. It's not growing, which is good, but is still there - which is concerning to say the least. I did hear from Super Max (his new name) and he has been able to get me approved for a years worth of Xeloda at no cost. Seemed we qualified, thank you Jesus. So, I think all in all this is good news - I mean, I only had 2 and 1/2 cycles of these pills under by belt - who knows what more could do. Plan is for me to start back up on these pills and check again in another 2 months. The good thing is, it's not growing - which is actually excellent news. I suppose I never really considered that we could get my cancer to a 'controlled' state - I just either thought it would be there or it wouldn't - period. I'm not real keen on this 'in between' stuff. Like it just sits there in me reminding me of my mortality - not that just having cancer hasn't done that quite vividly already. Annoying. I did feel though all day in this like, well, 'warrior mode' if you will. Like Jesus and I had our fighting gear on and all I could think of were the words 'NO! I won't have it! I am going to be just fine!' I did have a few choice adjectives in there too today, the later it got and I didn't hear from my doc - but you catch what I'm saying here. I wasn't in 'victim' mode as I have been in the past - I am much more vocal, much more aggressive and much more anger/frustration motivated this time. Which, is not necessarily a good thing - but, I believe is probably completely normal. I mean, I just want time - give me time sweet Jesus to be in remission! I had 3 months and I feel like I wasted those 3 months worrying it was going to come back and guess what? It did! Not saying I 'willed' this to happen, just saying that now, now I know - cherish the remission - there was much more to relish there than I actually did. Now I know. I pray for another chance to relish.
So I'm sitting in my Stephen Ministry class this evening, and I'd be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind that perhaps there is just too much on my plate right now. Coordinator for MOPS, WOW, Stephen Ministry, wife, mother of 2 little ones, etc. Then considering my day today, I really thought about just resting this evening. Then, I swear to you I heard God speak to me - saying 'Dina - this is exactly where you need to be - serving others'. And not in a way that puts me and my health and family on the back burner, not like that - but in exactly the way we are called to be in this life. I know I have all my shit going on, but we all do - and to have the opportunity to be trained to walk spiritually with someone going through something heavy, amidst all this shit, is an absolute gift. There is nothing like the feeling of being able to help another - that feeling clearly outweighs anything I am currently going through. What an honor, what a gift. I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I get to go to Mothers Day Tea with Madeline at her school tomorrow. I missed this last year because of my treatment, so needless to say I am thrilled to get to do this this year. I want to do all the things this summer I missed out on last summer - playdates, swim lessons, camping - can't wait. My kids and hubby are just about the most fabulous people on this planet in my book, I am so blessed to spend every waking hour with them. Ginger is really starting to talk more and more - she is so funny. She does everything, and I mean everything Madeline does - good and bad. I remember at the beginning of my diagnosis it being difficult to look at my girls without crying, the fear of me dying and not seeing them grow would just overcome me. Now, I just smile. My whole being smiles when I watch them. They teach me so much everyday, I just need to remember to look, and listen. They have much to say to us all day - we just need to listen.
I need to learn to ride this cancer roller coaster with more ease - I hate the ups and downs emotionally, it is so tiring. I feel like I should be 'used' to this by now, the waiting game after a scan, blah blah blah. And I know when I have my crying moments (had one in the car on the way back home from Sedona) that it is simply me cleansing my soul of the fear - but I get so mad at myself for getting scared, for crying. I'm so tired of crying about this - I feel like I should have it together more by now. Isn't that silly? We women are harder on ourselves than anyone realizes, aren't we?
Well, off to bed with me - I wanted to post this benediction that was read aloud in our Stephen Ministry class tonight, it was amazingly appropriate - but it hasn't been emailed to me yet. I will once I receive it. Have an amazing day tomorrow -
God Bless -
In any case, the news is the lesion on my liver is not really doing anything. It's not growing, which is good, but is still there - which is concerning to say the least. I did hear from Super Max (his new name) and he has been able to get me approved for a years worth of Xeloda at no cost. Seemed we qualified, thank you Jesus. So, I think all in all this is good news - I mean, I only had 2 and 1/2 cycles of these pills under by belt - who knows what more could do. Plan is for me to start back up on these pills and check again in another 2 months. The good thing is, it's not growing - which is actually excellent news. I suppose I never really considered that we could get my cancer to a 'controlled' state - I just either thought it would be there or it wouldn't - period. I'm not real keen on this 'in between' stuff. Like it just sits there in me reminding me of my mortality - not that just having cancer hasn't done that quite vividly already. Annoying. I did feel though all day in this like, well, 'warrior mode' if you will. Like Jesus and I had our fighting gear on and all I could think of were the words 'NO! I won't have it! I am going to be just fine!' I did have a few choice adjectives in there too today, the later it got and I didn't hear from my doc - but you catch what I'm saying here. I wasn't in 'victim' mode as I have been in the past - I am much more vocal, much more aggressive and much more anger/frustration motivated this time. Which, is not necessarily a good thing - but, I believe is probably completely normal. I mean, I just want time - give me time sweet Jesus to be in remission! I had 3 months and I feel like I wasted those 3 months worrying it was going to come back and guess what? It did! Not saying I 'willed' this to happen, just saying that now, now I know - cherish the remission - there was much more to relish there than I actually did. Now I know. I pray for another chance to relish.
So I'm sitting in my Stephen Ministry class this evening, and I'd be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind that perhaps there is just too much on my plate right now. Coordinator for MOPS, WOW, Stephen Ministry, wife, mother of 2 little ones, etc. Then considering my day today, I really thought about just resting this evening. Then, I swear to you I heard God speak to me - saying 'Dina - this is exactly where you need to be - serving others'. And not in a way that puts me and my health and family on the back burner, not like that - but in exactly the way we are called to be in this life. I know I have all my shit going on, but we all do - and to have the opportunity to be trained to walk spiritually with someone going through something heavy, amidst all this shit, is an absolute gift. There is nothing like the feeling of being able to help another - that feeling clearly outweighs anything I am currently going through. What an honor, what a gift. I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
I get to go to Mothers Day Tea with Madeline at her school tomorrow. I missed this last year because of my treatment, so needless to say I am thrilled to get to do this this year. I want to do all the things this summer I missed out on last summer - playdates, swim lessons, camping - can't wait. My kids and hubby are just about the most fabulous people on this planet in my book, I am so blessed to spend every waking hour with them. Ginger is really starting to talk more and more - she is so funny. She does everything, and I mean everything Madeline does - good and bad. I remember at the beginning of my diagnosis it being difficult to look at my girls without crying, the fear of me dying and not seeing them grow would just overcome me. Now, I just smile. My whole being smiles when I watch them. They teach me so much everyday, I just need to remember to look, and listen. They have much to say to us all day - we just need to listen.
I need to learn to ride this cancer roller coaster with more ease - I hate the ups and downs emotionally, it is so tiring. I feel like I should be 'used' to this by now, the waiting game after a scan, blah blah blah. And I know when I have my crying moments (had one in the car on the way back home from Sedona) that it is simply me cleansing my soul of the fear - but I get so mad at myself for getting scared, for crying. I'm so tired of crying about this - I feel like I should have it together more by now. Isn't that silly? We women are harder on ourselves than anyone realizes, aren't we?
Well, off to bed with me - I wanted to post this benediction that was read aloud in our Stephen Ministry class tonight, it was amazingly appropriate - but it hasn't been emailed to me yet. I will once I receive it. Have an amazing day tomorrow -
God Bless -
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Garage Sale, Chemo, Birthday, Vomit and Coco - All In One Weekend.
What a whirlwind. Our awesome Ginger birthday weekend started off Friday morning with chocolate cupcakes for breakfast. In our house, if it's your birthday, you can have whatever you want for breakfast. Luckily, I had chocolate Elmo cupcakes for Ginger. ;-) Then, the garage sale started. It was a beautiful morning actually, the previous day was real windy, so this was a nice change - cool and crisp, the last cold snap (I hope) before the warmer weather starts. Just awesome. I love chatting up people at garage sales - you meet such a vastness of the population. Very cool.
All was going fine, then the crunch came to quickly close up the garage sale, get the kids bags packed for overnight at my moms, bags packed for PJ and I to have an evening to ourselves and go see Conan O'Brien in Phx (which was AWESOME! I might add) and PJ quickly run into town to get gas in the car and pick up my prescription. This my friends, is where the stress factor reared its ugly head. PJ calls me from Walgreens to say my pills are going to be $750 - for a weeks worth of pills. Apparently, I misunderstood the context of my conversation with Walgreens last time we spoke - my limit has been exhausted for name brand medication. Now, if we spent our mortgage payment, that would cover the pills - this week - but what about the next? We simply cannot afford this. I am in a state of shock and as I sit and talk about this on the phone with him, I can't help but just cry. I can't afford the medicine that is making me better. Does that make any sense at all???? Who CAN afford this medicine? I know I'm not the only one - and I have insurance that paid for 3 weeks of it at least - what happens to people? How is this fair? I don't understand. My mood obviously went from a high to a low in a matter of seconds. I called my oncologist office and spoke with the insurance guy, Max - the coolest guy on the planet (next to my husband of course) and asked him, through my tears how we can speed up the process of getting a proposal into the manufacturer to see about requesting financial assistance. He says he's already started the process, I just need to sign some stuff and get him our most recent tax return. Of course our first instinct was to cancel everything. Not going to Phx, not go to the show, not have small birthday celebration at my moms - just cancel it all. But as soon as this thought came into my mind, it left just as quickly. PJ and I have never been out alone w/o our kids for an overnight for fun - ever. This had been planned for awhile and screw it - we were going. I knew if I ever really needed to laugh, tonight was that night. Sucks too because I was in the middle of my pill cycle. So my last pills were taken Fri night. Now we just wait. I did speak with my oncologist about possibly doing the CT scan now - I mean, I had it scheduled for next Fri anyway - why not push it up and week and see what it says? Then at least we'll know if these drugs are worth fighting for, ya know? There are a couple intravenous drugs that are options, but one thing my doc said, was if it had continued to grow from the last scan, we would most likely need to bring out the big guns again. The Taxol and Avastin - the ones with all the side effects and I'd lose my hair again (amongst many other yukky side effects I don't care to recall right now). Wow. Ok, well, at least I know that is sitting there on the back burner, looking at me like that stack of money on those stupid Geico commericals, but I don't think that will be the case. I pray it will not be. The good thing about this conversation with my doc is that is exactly what it was - a conversation. A healthy, constructive, logical conversation about what do to, what my options are, and what she thinks is best. Not that I didn't have any emotion tied to it, I did, but I was able to come at this discussion in a way I hadn't ever been able to before. Informed I guess, educated. Felt better than before anyway. The plan is I don't eat anything in the morning and call my doc at 8am - see if they have any openings and then if so - drive to Sedona for a scan. Nothing like last minute, eh? Gee, I was so looking forward to having horrendous gas pains our first night of camping too - bummer.
So, we continued on to Phx - dropped my girls at my mothers house and can I just say, there was something obnoxiously cool about watching my mom hold my daughters 4 year old hand in hers and wave goodbye to me. How cool it is that my girls are creating memories of spending the night at their Mema's house - how frickin awesome is that? PJ and I had the BEST time - I haven't laughed that hard in I can't tell you when. Conan was funny, but he was upstaged, in my opinion, by his opening act, Reggie Watts. Hilarious. PJ and I talked, laughed, ate, drank wine, had a cocktail, I went barefoot in the bar - then had uninterrupted sleep for the first time in - well, ever I think. Together anyway. Then we gathered at my moms and had a little birthday celebration for Ginger. Now, I've been a mom for awhile now, you'd think I would have put a stop to the fact my new 2 year old eating the icing off a very large piece of cake - no. I just thought - 'It's her birthday! What's the big deal?' The big deal was her vomiting all of it back up on the trip back up north - right around Table Mesa Road - which, for those of you don't know the drive -isn't really that long, but - it's not that far from out of town - so we had a whole hour to really take in the fragrance of the birthday celebration. Luckily, Madeline was asleep through all of this, but then awoke when we were minutes from home with "Mom! What is that awful smell?" to which I reply "Your sisters vomit dear - sorry." I was just so happy she used the word 'awful'. I love it when she is articulate.
Got all settled, then up this morning for church and everything was fine - until we were just minutes from church and Ginger does it again. My poor husband - I get the easy part of these scenarios - I get to wash myself, my kid and the clothes. He washes everything else - and getting vomit out of all the crevices of a car seat, not once, but twice? In less than 24 hours??? My husband deserves major kudos for this. So off we stopped to clean the bulk of it out, then back home we went. I hope this is just a side effect of too much junk food and birthday fun. She doesn't have a fever and she has been fine the rest of the day. Just could have used a church service this morning - had to get my God from other areas today I guess.
So, I've had moments this weekend of panic, laughter, crying, fear, complete trust in God, anger - I've pretty much run the gamut of emotions. I trust that if this medication is what I need to keep the cancer away, we will find a way to get it. You don't just switch to intravenous because your insurance won't cover it - that is ridiculous!!!! We aren't talking about frickin erectile disfunction here, we're talking about cancer! (not to demean anyone going through ED - but you catch my drift here, eh?) I just need to trust that all this too is happening for a reason, one I may not understand now, or for quite sometime, I just need to trust. Pray - and trust. Pray - and let Him have it. It does get easier with practice, just not liking all the practicing I've been having goin on lately, ya know?
So, I'll let you know how it all shakes out tomorrow. I hope I get in for my scan early so we can get this going in whatever direction I'm supposed to be led in. I just need to breathe, relax, pray. Not necessarily in that order.
PJ and Madeline went to drop off the things at Goodwill today that we didn't sell at the garage sale, and Ginger and I hung out together and watched a movie. She gets up on my lap, snuggles in on me and pulls my hand over her belly. I am so very blessed. Madeline then says to me tonight 'you're the best mom in the world mom!' which is probably because I was cooking ravioli for dinner, but I'll take it anyway. I am blessed to be their mom - that alone drives me more than I could ever explain here. I'll do whatever I need to do. God has and will continue to give me the strength. I still have moments of pissed off, moments of wishing I was a mommy without cancer, wishing I only had to worry about the things most everyone else has to worry about. But, that kind of thinking doesn't go anywhere. It just sits there, a big hole of negativity. No good. This is the hand I've been dealt, and I will handle it with strength, grace and perseverance. Oh yea, and the fight of heavyweight champ - that too.
God Bless -
All was going fine, then the crunch came to quickly close up the garage sale, get the kids bags packed for overnight at my moms, bags packed for PJ and I to have an evening to ourselves and go see Conan O'Brien in Phx (which was AWESOME! I might add) and PJ quickly run into town to get gas in the car and pick up my prescription. This my friends, is where the stress factor reared its ugly head. PJ calls me from Walgreens to say my pills are going to be $750 - for a weeks worth of pills. Apparently, I misunderstood the context of my conversation with Walgreens last time we spoke - my limit has been exhausted for name brand medication. Now, if we spent our mortgage payment, that would cover the pills - this week - but what about the next? We simply cannot afford this. I am in a state of shock and as I sit and talk about this on the phone with him, I can't help but just cry. I can't afford the medicine that is making me better. Does that make any sense at all???? Who CAN afford this medicine? I know I'm not the only one - and I have insurance that paid for 3 weeks of it at least - what happens to people? How is this fair? I don't understand. My mood obviously went from a high to a low in a matter of seconds. I called my oncologist office and spoke with the insurance guy, Max - the coolest guy on the planet (next to my husband of course) and asked him, through my tears how we can speed up the process of getting a proposal into the manufacturer to see about requesting financial assistance. He says he's already started the process, I just need to sign some stuff and get him our most recent tax return. Of course our first instinct was to cancel everything. Not going to Phx, not go to the show, not have small birthday celebration at my moms - just cancel it all. But as soon as this thought came into my mind, it left just as quickly. PJ and I have never been out alone w/o our kids for an overnight for fun - ever. This had been planned for awhile and screw it - we were going. I knew if I ever really needed to laugh, tonight was that night. Sucks too because I was in the middle of my pill cycle. So my last pills were taken Fri night. Now we just wait. I did speak with my oncologist about possibly doing the CT scan now - I mean, I had it scheduled for next Fri anyway - why not push it up and week and see what it says? Then at least we'll know if these drugs are worth fighting for, ya know? There are a couple intravenous drugs that are options, but one thing my doc said, was if it had continued to grow from the last scan, we would most likely need to bring out the big guns again. The Taxol and Avastin - the ones with all the side effects and I'd lose my hair again (amongst many other yukky side effects I don't care to recall right now). Wow. Ok, well, at least I know that is sitting there on the back burner, looking at me like that stack of money on those stupid Geico commericals, but I don't think that will be the case. I pray it will not be. The good thing about this conversation with my doc is that is exactly what it was - a conversation. A healthy, constructive, logical conversation about what do to, what my options are, and what she thinks is best. Not that I didn't have any emotion tied to it, I did, but I was able to come at this discussion in a way I hadn't ever been able to before. Informed I guess, educated. Felt better than before anyway. The plan is I don't eat anything in the morning and call my doc at 8am - see if they have any openings and then if so - drive to Sedona for a scan. Nothing like last minute, eh? Gee, I was so looking forward to having horrendous gas pains our first night of camping too - bummer.
So, we continued on to Phx - dropped my girls at my mothers house and can I just say, there was something obnoxiously cool about watching my mom hold my daughters 4 year old hand in hers and wave goodbye to me. How cool it is that my girls are creating memories of spending the night at their Mema's house - how frickin awesome is that? PJ and I had the BEST time - I haven't laughed that hard in I can't tell you when. Conan was funny, but he was upstaged, in my opinion, by his opening act, Reggie Watts. Hilarious. PJ and I talked, laughed, ate, drank wine, had a cocktail, I went barefoot in the bar - then had uninterrupted sleep for the first time in - well, ever I think. Together anyway. Then we gathered at my moms and had a little birthday celebration for Ginger. Now, I've been a mom for awhile now, you'd think I would have put a stop to the fact my new 2 year old eating the icing off a very large piece of cake - no. I just thought - 'It's her birthday! What's the big deal?' The big deal was her vomiting all of it back up on the trip back up north - right around Table Mesa Road - which, for those of you don't know the drive -isn't really that long, but - it's not that far from out of town - so we had a whole hour to really take in the fragrance of the birthday celebration. Luckily, Madeline was asleep through all of this, but then awoke when we were minutes from home with "Mom! What is that awful smell?" to which I reply "Your sisters vomit dear - sorry." I was just so happy she used the word 'awful'. I love it when she is articulate.
Got all settled, then up this morning for church and everything was fine - until we were just minutes from church and Ginger does it again. My poor husband - I get the easy part of these scenarios - I get to wash myself, my kid and the clothes. He washes everything else - and getting vomit out of all the crevices of a car seat, not once, but twice? In less than 24 hours??? My husband deserves major kudos for this. So off we stopped to clean the bulk of it out, then back home we went. I hope this is just a side effect of too much junk food and birthday fun. She doesn't have a fever and she has been fine the rest of the day. Just could have used a church service this morning - had to get my God from other areas today I guess.
So, I've had moments this weekend of panic, laughter, crying, fear, complete trust in God, anger - I've pretty much run the gamut of emotions. I trust that if this medication is what I need to keep the cancer away, we will find a way to get it. You don't just switch to intravenous because your insurance won't cover it - that is ridiculous!!!! We aren't talking about frickin erectile disfunction here, we're talking about cancer! (not to demean anyone going through ED - but you catch my drift here, eh?) I just need to trust that all this too is happening for a reason, one I may not understand now, or for quite sometime, I just need to trust. Pray - and trust. Pray - and let Him have it. It does get easier with practice, just not liking all the practicing I've been having goin on lately, ya know?
So, I'll let you know how it all shakes out tomorrow. I hope I get in for my scan early so we can get this going in whatever direction I'm supposed to be led in. I just need to breathe, relax, pray. Not necessarily in that order.
PJ and Madeline went to drop off the things at Goodwill today that we didn't sell at the garage sale, and Ginger and I hung out together and watched a movie. She gets up on my lap, snuggles in on me and pulls my hand over her belly. I am so very blessed. Madeline then says to me tonight 'you're the best mom in the world mom!' which is probably because I was cooking ravioli for dinner, but I'll take it anyway. I am blessed to be their mom - that alone drives me more than I could ever explain here. I'll do whatever I need to do. God has and will continue to give me the strength. I still have moments of pissed off, moments of wishing I was a mommy without cancer, wishing I only had to worry about the things most everyone else has to worry about. But, that kind of thinking doesn't go anywhere. It just sits there, a big hole of negativity. No good. This is the hand I've been dealt, and I will handle it with strength, grace and perseverance. Oh yea, and the fight of heavyweight champ - that too.
God Bless -
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