Status Quo - I'll Take It!!!

There is nothing like the feeling of waking up and not knowing what you are supposed to do for the day. Luckily, I didn't have to call my onc office - they called me at 2 minutes after 8 and were able to schedule my CT scan for 10:30am. So, I quickly call Nancy who I have determined is a true God Send to me and my family who magically appears to watch Ginger for me while I run Madeline to school then jet out to Sedona for this scan. I decided at the last minute to take 89A out in lieu of backtracking, which was good because it certainly kept my attention. I love Jerome.

In any case, the news is the lesion on my liver is not really doing anything. It's not growing, which is good, but is still there - which is concerning to say the least. I did hear from Super Max (his new name) and he has been able to get me approved for a years worth of Xeloda at no cost. Seemed we qualified, thank you Jesus. So, I think all in all this is good news - I mean, I only had 2 and 1/2 cycles of these pills under by belt - who knows what more could do. Plan is for me to start back up on these pills and check again in another 2 months. The good thing is, it's not growing - which is actually excellent news. I suppose I never really considered that we could get my cancer to a 'controlled' state - I just either thought it would be there or it wouldn't - period. I'm not real keen on this 'in between' stuff. Like it just sits there in me reminding me of my mortality - not that just having cancer hasn't done that quite vividly already. Annoying. I did feel though all day in this like, well, 'warrior mode' if you will. Like Jesus and I had our fighting gear on and all I could think of were the words 'NO! I won't have it! I am going to be just fine!' I did have a few choice adjectives in there too today, the later it got and I didn't hear from my doc - but you catch what I'm saying here. I wasn't in 'victim' mode as I have been in the past - I am much more vocal, much more aggressive and much more anger/frustration motivated this time. Which, is not necessarily a good thing - but, I believe is probably completely normal. I mean, I just want time - give me time sweet Jesus to be in remission! I had 3 months and I feel like I wasted those 3 months worrying it was going to come back and guess what? It did! Not saying I 'willed' this to happen, just saying that now, now I know - cherish the remission - there was much more to relish there than I actually did. Now I know. I pray for another chance to relish.

So I'm sitting in my Stephen Ministry class this evening, and I'd be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind that perhaps there is just too much on my plate right now. Coordinator for MOPS, WOW, Stephen Ministry, wife, mother of 2 little ones, etc. Then considering my day today, I really thought about just resting this evening. Then, I swear to you I heard God speak to me - saying 'Dina - this is exactly where you need to be - serving others'. And not in a way that puts me and my health and family on the back burner, not like that - but in exactly the way we are called to be in this life. I know I have all my shit going on, but we all do - and to have the opportunity to be trained to walk spiritually with someone going through something heavy, amidst all this shit, is an absolute gift. There is nothing like the feeling of being able to help another - that feeling clearly outweighs anything I am currently going through. What an honor, what a gift. I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I get to go to Mothers Day Tea with Madeline at her school tomorrow. I missed this last year because of my treatment, so needless to say I am thrilled to get to do this this year. I want to do all the things this summer I missed out on last summer - playdates, swim lessons, camping - can't wait. My kids and hubby are just about the most fabulous people on this planet in my book, I am so blessed to spend every waking hour with them. Ginger is really starting to talk more and more - she is so funny. She does everything, and I mean everything Madeline does - good and bad. I remember at the beginning of my diagnosis it being difficult to look at my girls without crying, the fear of me dying and not seeing them grow would just overcome me. Now, I just smile. My whole being smiles when I watch them. They teach me so much everyday, I just need to remember to look, and listen. They have much to say to us all day - we just need to listen.

I need to learn to ride this cancer roller coaster with more ease - I hate the ups and downs emotionally, it is so tiring. I feel like I should be 'used' to this by now, the waiting game after a scan, blah blah blah. And I know when I have my crying moments (had one in the car on the way back home from Sedona) that it is simply me cleansing my soul of the fear - but I get so mad at myself for getting scared, for crying. I'm so tired of crying about this - I feel like I should have it together more by now. Isn't that silly? We women are harder on ourselves than anyone realizes, aren't we?

Well, off to bed with me - I wanted to post this benediction that was read aloud in our Stephen Ministry class tonight, it was amazingly appropriate - but it hasn't been emailed to me yet. I will once I receive it. Have an amazing day tomorrow -

God Bless -