Anyhoo - the appt on Monday went well for Ginger. He basically said she was fine but has ordered an EEG to be sure it doesn't show anything funky. I'm going to call them tomorrow to see about scheduling this since I haven't heard anything yet. He also validated me being there in front of him, which was awesome. I didn't feel like I was overreacting, but we tend to second guess ourselves as mommies sometimes don't we? Well, I do - all the time. The validation was a nice touch - not necessary and I knew that. He was wicked cool.
I had my calcium treatment yesterday and that went fine. We went ahead and booked my next PET/CT which will be on June 16. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm finding I'm very comfortable in the 'in between' stages right now. I like when I get into a routine and don't much care for that routine to be messed with. I like that I am on this medication (although I prefer my weeks OFF the meds to the ON weeks) and it has been approved for a year and just want to get some more cycles under my belt before we test again. Plus, the guy who read my CT compared it to one that was done last year, not the most recent PET which I found frustrating. Anyway - I just want to not know a little longer. Because that actually gives me more time to not worry or think about it. But my onc was right, more information is better. I know this. Deep in my soul I know this, I just am kinda liking living my life, ya know? I feel like I'm living PET to PET. Sucks. And ya know what? That anger? That doesn't go away. I still have my moments of being wickedly pissed off that I have to be doing this at all. To see other moms and watch them go about their normal business - I have to admit, I get very jealous sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Then I get pissed. Then sometimes I cry. Then I realize how much this disease has given me. Then I apologize. Then I return to the fight. Blah Blah Blah. These tests upcoming seems to trigger this vicious circle to happen more frequently. Very frustrating.
I told my onc that I was taking percocet pretty much every night to sleep and she said maybe we could find something else that would be a better choice. That may have been aiding to me being so tired throughout the day as well. I think I developed a little addiction there to be honest. We've corrected that, so that is good. Weird. Has to be part of that 'shut my brain off' kind of mentality.
I also have been felling the need to write here more often. This blog has facilitated me emotionally in so many ways, and I can feel myself internalizing things again and I need to let them out, so I am going to have to start posting again on a regular basis. I didn't realize how helpful it was to me to express myself through this blog - I've found not doing it is really making me turn inwards, something that is not healthy for me. So starting Sunday evening, I'll be back on track again.
Went and got filled again today in Phx - we're up to 550 cc's now, and I am looking pretty PERKY if I don't say so myself. Seems the limit of 650 was just a myth - Veronica says we can go to 800 if we want to. Wha? I think we'll go to 650 and see where we are. It's so hard to tell how big I am because they are like, well, super hard. I think I've said it before, but engorged? That's how they feel - well, I can't 'feel' them at all - I mean, I have no sensation at all - its hard to explain. I should take another pic. Maybe I'll take a vote when we get to 650 and see what everyone thinks about going further, eh? I can't tell how big they are - I'm just so glad to have boobs again. And I'm loving this 'not wearing a bra' thing. I think I've earned at least that. So, Thursdays are my fill days. I walk in to the exam room w/ Veronica, we start talking about our kids and camping and church and all sorts of stuff, while I'm taking off my shirt, laying down on the table and she is inserting this needle and pushing the saline into my expander. It's surreal. We never stop talking through this whole process - so funny.
Well - have a great weekend all. My hubby gets back on Sunday night (thank GOD) so send good thoughts his way for a safe return.
I've attached a couple more pics from our camping trip that I thought were pretty cute, compliments of my friend Judy.
God Bless -
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